Withdrawn love and affection because of money.

[Ap1792]

Hi, try to keep this short -
been with my husband 12 years married 2 years. Moved in after 3/4 years together.

Ive struggled with my MH for years, and not always held a job for long periods of time. But always worked.

he slowIy withdrawn sex from from our relationship, when he had to starting paying extra in the house, as I was on long term sick.

we bought our first house and the issues with money just got worse, until he then realised it would never been 50/50 as our wages were massively different.

he'd work two jobs, and I was forever alone in the house, which as you can imagine is lonely.
he was more interested in saving for a house and all other wonderful things than living in the moment.

fast forward 7 years were in our 2nd house, we've not been on holiday since 2014.
he's working harder than ever but we've not been intimate for 3/4 years.

the following reasons were tiredness, resentment for me not paying my way, now it's because it's been so long he's fearful of intimacy.

I feel im being punished, as tho it's I pay your half of the house but you get nothing else from me. Or I pay my way and I can have the man I first met back.

he's totally exhausted but he's always done crazy hours, yet im always the reason.

I don't no what I can do anymore, as I am now contributing but he seems to think intimacy will become natural again?

im at a point where do I want to be in a married where I have to earn the intimacy from my husband?

please help, he does a lot for me, but I also feel I've suffered as his wife, made to feel like such a burden.

Tbh this doesn't really sound like it's about money at all, you both just sound unhappy, maybe the relationship has run it's course and you're not right for each other. Have you sought help for your MH?

We got on amazing but it's like being friends.

yeah I'm on medication and have had several counselling sessions.
I love my current job but if I put in money to joint account I can only afford so much a month xx

From everything you've written my sympathy is with your husband. 12 years of emotionally supporting you, working long hours, trying to make a nice life and not getting much in return is a pretty bad deal for him. I'm amazed he married you (I wouldn't have) because he will lose half of everything he's worked for to you when you inevitably divorce. You sound like the female version of a cocklodger.

I don't want to be harsh OP but I think it would be better to break up. He might just be around from a sense of obligation.

He sounds exhausted.

can you suggest all income comes into one account, then gets transferred out to various pots, bills, savings, holidays, so all your wage goes in and you get personal money back?

That’s standard life though. You work, pay bills first, then have what is left over. You cannot be expected to pay half, but you need to be contributing.

The relationship isn't a romantic one anymore, he's had to fill the role of support/carer/provider, for a long time, that would kill most people's sex drive. Ok you work part time but he's working two jobs, so he's exhausted on top and honestly probably a bit resentful.

I think he's had enough - I feel sorry for him.

I don't believe he has withdrawn sex so much as has nothing left to physically and mentally give- you do sound like sex is the biggest thing for you- whilst for him he's spinning all the plates

I don't think you want the same things

It's sad and I'm sorry for both of you

Do you see yourself staying in this relationship going forward OP?

Do you have a plan if you were to spilt?

I'm sorry to say this and I'm not trying to hurt you but I suspect he'll end up meeting someone else long term when it just gets too much. No one should have to work two jobs to support another adult when there's no kids involved. I can understand how resentment would have crept in.

You need to start getting yourself progressing towards working full time for your own financial security.At 31 you're too young to be so reliant on another adult financially.

Then I'd be long gone.sorry bit this isn't a marriage

You need to leave, move out, file for divorce rather than be the object of his resentfulness. He should have already initiated divorce because he's exhausted and resents you - but he hasn't, so you can get the ball rolling.

Your marriage is dead in the water.

Sorry to say but I feel sorry for your DH, as I am in his position.

Long term relationship, partner is autistic, works less hours and does the bare minimum around the house. Whilst I work a full time stressful job and do the majority for our two children who are also diagnosed on the spectrum.

Resentment sets in and it kills your sex drive.

In the nicest possible way you want a carer not a partner.

You’re equating lack of sex with money.

The way you word it around not moving the business home making it mega expensive seems it’s more likely it’s stress related.

Time to go your separate ways. Sell the house. Divorce.

Sorry are people missing the part where she does all the house work? Which I presume also includes all the care for the various pets?

It doesn’t sound like she’s freeloading- just that she doesn’t earn as much as him. And he sounds like a workaholic. I mean I don’t know what the answer is but I don’t think it’s just that she’s the problem and he’s right to withhold affection.

For better or for worse. In sickness and in health. They’re the promises you make, not “just while you make a relative financial contribution”.

Also where is the indication that he HAS to work 2 jobs to support her? He spent £8k on electric gates when they got robbed. They aren’t on UC scrabbling to pay their council tax each month.

I do, he doesn't do anything apart from the occasional washing up, but that's not really my issue.

but I don't sit and do sweet fa.
he's always been the bread winner but he doesn't have two jobs now, but uses me for the reason he does all the hours.

no one makes him go out and work Saturdays I tell him to stay home but he won't.

:( x