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Original poster

The ultimate betrayal

33 replies

lincolngirl1097 · 05/08/2023 21:30

I'm sorry but this is a bit of a long post. I'm not sure anyone will reply but just feel like I need to write this all down to process things a bit clearer in my head.

Back drop - I'm kid 30's divorced with 1 child.

My childhood behind closed doors wasn't great, my parents divorced when I was 7 and my mum made sure we all knew that my dad had an affair and she threw him out, she was bitter, restricted us seeing him and had a wave of boyfriends throughout our childhood. On paper i had it al - privately educated, expensive holidays, lots of expensive hobbies and a loving mum who would do anything for her children but to be honest I never had any loving parents, I grew up hating my dad because of my mum and she was cold and unloving. The only parent figure I had in my life was grandparents who I adored.

l met my child's dad around 12 years ago and to begin with we got on great. We married, had a child but with a few month he became abusive towards us. This was physical, emotional and sexual. I left a few times and went to stay with my mum but each time she told me I was over reacting and to go back, which I'm ashamed to say I did. When my child was 2 years old I finally found the courage to leave for good.

Over the years the relationship with my child's dad has improved and we managed to amicable co-patent however it's mainly because I have let things go to avoid further conflict.

The relationship with my mum has been very strained and she just appears to hate me. We've fallen out a number of times but I've always make up with her for the sake of my child.

For example

  • the arrangements was always our child would spend 2 nights a week with their dad but my mum then told my ex that he wouldn't have to pay child maintenance if he had my child half the time. So after going backwards and forwards through solicitors (she even paid for his) I agreed to this.
  • My ex is taking our child on holiday this year as am I, my mum has bought clothes for the holiday with dad but told him not to let me use them on my holiday.
  • my mum was selling some property which was linked to some land that I have in a trust so I signed the land over to her with the promise of payment once the sale went through. She's now refusing to give me any money / I really didn't think I needed to legally protect myself from my own mother
  • she's bitter about my child spending time with my dad and makes awful comments and says awful stuff to my child about their grandparent
  • she rarely sees my child but thinks because she buys lavish gifts it's okay even though she spends lots of time with other grandchildren.
  • when I've spoke to her about how my ex treated me (she's seen the bruises) she's told me I probably deserved it

Also it transpires that my mum was actually the one who had an affair first. So for years I hated my dad for nothing. I'm pleased to say we have found peace now and are closer than ever but I lost so many years because of this,

Anyway hopefully that gives you a bit of a backdrop but the final nail in the coffin has come this week - I haven't spoken to her for a few months due to the money situation but have let her see my child as I don't want their relationship to suffer but she has told me ex (child's dad) that my current partner who I have been happily with for 3 years was still married when I met him, (he was but well under way with divorce) and she's made out I had an affair which had resulted in my ex having a huge go at my and calling me a slag and then trying to spit in my face.

I'm absolutely heart broken that he could do this to the mother of his child but more so than my mum is so bitter and twisted she has to do this. I've cried and cried all day but slowly coming to the realisation that I can't have this women in my life anymore.

So sorry for the long post just needed to get it off my chest. Im not expecting any replies just wanted to get this off my chest

OP posts:
beeny · 05/08/2023 21:33

I just wanted to say I am sorry you have had to endure so much.

Tilllly · 05/08/2023 21:34

Horrific and heartbreaking

Do you have siblings?

Appreciate you want your child to have a relationship with your mum - but is this the best thing?

FlickFlackTrap · 05/08/2023 21:37

Tilllly · 05/08/2023 21:34

Horrific and heartbreaking

Do you have siblings?

Appreciate you want your child to have a relationship with your mum - but is this the best thing?

All of this.

so sorry OP. I hope you find some peace 💐

Ghostjail · 05/08/2023 21:37

Do not have any contact with your mum and report your child's father to the police for his assault on you then block him. I'm so sorry you have been so let down by people who were supposed to love you.

Luckingfovely · 05/08/2023 21:37

I think your realisation is very sadly right, and you and your child will be much happier without her in your life. I wish you strength and peace.

Shirtella · 05/08/2023 21:38

Oh Lincoln. Your Mum sounds awful. You poor love, your ex is just as bad.

determinedtomakethiswork · 05/08/2023 21:41

You poor thing. Your mother is horrendous. You need to go to a solicitor about that money she owes you because if you stop talking to her you won't see the money otherwise. I also think you should speak to the police about your ex husband's assault on you.

I definitely think you should go no contact with her. What a horrible woman.

LittleBrownJug · 05/08/2023 21:47

I’m so sorry. You shouldn’t have had to endure any of that. I agree with PP. FWIW if I were in your shoes I would go extremely LC and very probably NC with a narcissistic & spiteful mother like yours. You’re not doing your DC any favours letting her in your life.

Chowtime · 05/08/2023 21:48

Please go no contact with your mother. She is no good for your son to have a relationship with either. He won't be missing out. She's probably dripping poison in his ear too.

Do you have siblings? I just wondered what sort of relationship they have with your mother.

Build bridges slowly with your father. Keep your own counsel. Focus on your new partner and having good times with him. Where was he when your ex spat at you? It might be best if you ensure your current partner is always there at handover time. Or, as others have said, report the assault to police.

You've had a shit time really haven't you? Only you can end this.

thecatinthetwat · 05/08/2023 21:52

How awful, and yet you put your child first consistently and clearly do great job. I guess I’m trying to say, you are an excellent parent to your child, focus on that relationship and not either of these abusive ones. Low or no contact.

AguaLavanda · 05/08/2023 21:59

I'm so sorry that you went throug such a horrible time with your mother. She sounds unhinged. Prioritize your own and your child's happiness now and cut all contact with her. You will feel much better without her in your life. Flowers

Merryoldgoat · 05/08/2023 21:59

What an awful mother you have OP.

I’m so sorry.

determinedtomakethiswork · 05/08/2023 21:59

She is playing a very nasty game with your ex as well where she wants him to prefer her to you. Very very strange behaviour and very toxic.

Original poster
lincolngirl1097 · 05/08/2023 22:13

Thank you so much for all the replies. Im say here in tears reading them.

I've developed a great relationship with my dad over the last 10 years or so, I see him several times a week and he's great with my child. I think this has made the relationship with my mum worse.
I have 2 siblings - 1 is the double of my mum personality wise and I have no contact with them. The other I get on great but maintains a relationship with my mum but they know exactly what she is like.
Neither of my siblings have much contact with my dad which my mum likes so favours them.

The spitting was today, as I left his house after collecting my child. He asked about what had happened with my mum after showing me the wardrobe full of clothes and shoes she bought our child but said she had told them i wasn't to take them on holiday with me. He is fully aware of what my mum is like and has said this many times. He then said he could see why she was annoyed with me and would be if his daughter turned out to be a slag like me and told me what my mum had said. As I went to leave he tied to spit in my face.

I can't call the police, they wouldn't believe me anyway. I can guarantee you both ex and my. Mum would give a statement against me. They are both respected and well liked. I just know I'd be fighting a losing battle

OP posts:
Original poster
lincolngirl1097 · 05/08/2023 22:14

I really struggle seeing all of my friends with such close relationships with their mums and then I look at mine and it's heart breaking

OP posts:
Ghostjail · 05/08/2023 22:30

Then only do handovers in a public place and keep your phone recording.

Original poster
lincolngirl1097 · 05/08/2023 22:37

Usually there are no handovers as one drops at school the other collects but with it being the holidays it's different.
I'm no longer scared of my ex but I don't want my child to witness it

OP posts:
Bluesandwhites · 05/08/2023 22:39

@lincolngirl1097
OP, it sounds as if your bitter, twisted DM is extremely jealous of you. Taking your ex's side against you would be a game changer, not to mention her dishonesty regarding the property/land you signed over to her.
She is no help to you or your child as a grandparent, she sounds like a nasty piece of work, I would go NC and forget about her.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/08/2023 22:41

See a solicitor ASAP and have them help you get your money your mother stole.

emmylousings · 05/08/2023 22:43

You have gone out of your way to maintain the relationship but she has let you down too many times now. Must be very painful. Agree with others that you need to go low/no contact, but I bet she won't make that easy!

Mensuckbigtime · 05/08/2023 22:50

So sorry that your Mother is treating you so appallingly.

I'd recommend doing therapy, it's important you grieve the relationship you so wish you'd had but we're never able to have with her.

Your not at fault, she is clearly a very troubled woman.

I would recommend completely cutting her out of your life, she doesn't deserve to have you as her daughter.

I have a very strained relationship with my mother too and its been really hard but I've come to terms with the fact that she will never be the mother that I needed her to be.

Luckily I get the chance to be the mother that my children now need me to be and so do you!

You're breaking the cycle and ensuring that yiur child will have a really good, loving and caring relationship with you.

You unfortunately didn't get the chance to choose your mother, but you can choose what kind of mother you want to be and that gives you back some agency

Take care!!!

Seaoftroubles · 05/08/2023 22:54

So, so sorry to read this O.P. Your mother is a very abusive, cruel and and manipulative woman and has treated you abysmally. It is all credit to you that you have managed to rise above this and are a good and caring mum to your own child, that takes real strength of character.
Please go completely no contact with your awful mother, and after today's experience l would go very low contact with your ex as well, his behaviour was despicable. Your mother has somehow managed to manipulate him for her own ends, so cut them both loose. If possible try to make sure your partner is there to support you at handover times too. Going forward concentrate on your child, your partner and your Dad, please ignore your Mother's twisted efforts and you will be so much happier. You might also consider having some counselling as well, to support you and help you stay strong.

Original poster
lincolngirl1097 · 06/08/2023 09:06

Thank you for all your kind messages. I've blocked my mum. I was re-reading some of the messages and when I have asked her about her behaviour and said I can't imagine doing this all she says is I have given you everything your whole life. Like money makes up for abysmal behaviour. That's just her though, money orientated and thinks she can buy her way through life.

OP posts:
Mensuckbigtime · 06/08/2023 09:13

lincolngirl1097 · 06/08/2023 09:06

Thank you for all your kind messages. I've blocked my mum. I was re-reading some of the messages and when I have asked her about her behaviour and said I can't imagine doing this all she says is I have given you everything your whole life. Like money makes up for abysmal behaviour. That's just her though, money orientated and thinks she can buy her way through life.

Thats all she can give you unfortunately, money...

Please think about doing therapy, coming to terms with who your mother truely is, is something you need to look a, so you don't carry that weight with you

Seaoftroubles · 06/08/2023 09:22

Well done for blocking her OP. Going no contact is the best thing you can do for yourself and your child, it will take away her power and give you some peace. Please do seek counselling to help you through this. Wishing you all the best and a much happier future.