Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Being told off for keeping the house running by DH

43 replies

Christopherpumpkin · 05/08/2023 20:21

I really need someone sensible to tell me whether I’m being a normal busy mother or a terrible wife.

We have two children, 2.8 years and 18 months, husband works full time and I work 3 days. On my 2 non-working days I look after the kids on my own, so unless I’m working I don’t get any other time when they’re not around (apart from the odd hour or so if husband takes them to the park at the weekend etc). My husband also has a long term condition which he has treatment for, but makes him very fatigued.

As you can imagine I do A LOT! I also do every bedtime and see to the kids throughout the night. The routine has therefore been that my husband cleans the kitchen in the evenings and tidies downstairs/does odd jobs to keep things ticking over.

This was okay, until he’s stopped doing it. The last 6 months it’s like he’s given up. The kitchen is halfheartedly cleaned each night - dishwasher not run overnight, dirty pots and recycling on the side, food on the floor as not swept or mopped etc. The tidying and extra jobs aren’t getting done either. Although he did make it out for a drink in the pub with a friend on Wednesday night…

I’m trying to be understanding that he’s fatigued and not lose my shit, but he’s starting to get mad when I do any jobs around the house that’s he’s supposed to have done. I came down to a mess this morning, so whilst kids had breakfast and played I got to work sorting it out, loading dishwasher, sweeping floor etc. At no point did I make any comment to my husband about the mess, or berate him for not doing it as I’m trying to be understanding, but he got really annoyed that I’m doing these jobs and tells me to just sit down and have my breakfast. I said I’d rather just get it done now so things are sorted for the day, but his face and body language made me feel almost guilty for getting on with it! Like I was doing something wrong.

This has happened again this evening. The kids are realllyyyy reallyyyyy bad sleepers, both waking every 60 mins between going to bed and about 1am, so I try and escape their rooms and sit with him when I can but I do find it hard. Tonight I managed to escape and found him laying on the bed watching tv. I went to join him but set about folding the absolute mountain of clean washing that has been blocking the entrance to our bedroom door for the last 6 days, hoping to get some done before any wakeups. He’s got so so so mad at me, saying ‘please just sit down’ three times in an exasperated tone. Saying he’ll do the washing later and that I never sit with him.

I’ve just walked out and gone to the kids’ room to cry. I feel like I’m being told off for being a normal, adult woman who has two small children and a job! If I don’t do the household stuff in my limited free time, it’s just not going to get done (or will be done two weeks later). Am I being crazy here? Am I doing something wrong by making sure our household doesn’t go to shit? Is he just being a dick because he feels guilty that he’s not doing it?

I’m staying in here for the night now, fully expecting to get up in the morning with the kitchen a mess and the washing not folded…

OP posts:

PoochProblem · 05/08/2023 20:27

Hes being a selfish dick. Have you told him how you are feeling?

pointythings · 05/08/2023 20:27

You've nailed it in your OP. He knows he's failing you, he feels bad, now he's trying to drag you down with him. All you can do is tell him that you aren't trying to be passive-aggressive, you're just trying to pick up the slack because he's not able to and because this is stuff that needs doing, and his reaction to that isn't helping.

Ragruggers · 05/08/2023 20:28

If he is not able or doesn’t want to do his share would he pay a cleaner to come in and do it?I find it stressful looking at a mess so would do what you do.To get up to a tip in the morning is so depressing and starts the day off in a bad way.You need to talk to him and tell him this has to change.

AuContraire · 05/08/2023 20:34

Is he just being a dick because he feels guilty that he’s not doing it?

Yes,this is exactly what he's doing.

Not that you should have to explain this to him, but tell him these jobs need done, and for whatever reason, he's not doing them, so you are, because someone has to and most of the consequences of them not being done fall on you. So you're doing them, and if he is annoyed about that then he should do them himself as agreed.

Original poster

Christopherpumpkin · 05/08/2023 20:35

@pointythings Ive tried to explain before that I’m not trying to make a point by doing it, I’m just genuinely doing it because it needs to be done. And that him being frustrated by that isn’t going to stop me from doing it. But understandably this probably makes him feel worse so doesn’t help the situation.

@PoochProblem I think I could vocalise more about how it’s making me feel. He really struggles with perceived criticism though, so if I told him it’s upsetting me when he’s like this he’s likely to just play the victim and paint me like the unreasonable wife. It’s really frustrating!

@Ragruggers Im the same, it makes my mood so low for the whole day when I come down to a mess.

OP posts:

FOJN · 05/08/2023 20:37

I agree he knows he is not doing enough and feels guilty but that is not your problem.

I would feel really bloody hurt too if I was trying to hold the household together to support a partner with a chronic health issue and then they resented me.

I wonder if he feels guilty because he knows he's using fatigue as an excuse to be lazy.

I think you need to have an honest conversation with him and tell him you won't tolerate being spoken to in that way when you are just trying to keep on top of things.

Could you afford a cleaner or to pay for someone to do the laundry. It sounds like you are carrying a lot on your shoulders and could do with some help.

Paperbagsaremine · 05/08/2023 20:38

Is he just being a dick because he feels guilty that he’s not doing it?
Sure looks like it.
This is the time for the Shit Sandwich.
Something positive : You know he's got this fatiguing health problem
The key yet unpalatable message: not only is he changing the deal without discussion, but he's taking his guilt about it out on you !
Something positive: you know he's capable of being the wonderful man you married

.... That sort of gubbins.

Or, "I know you're ill and knackered, but taking your guilt out on me when I do your chores is 100% a dick move and I expect better from you".

Try to avoid blame. If he's a decent sort at bottom, a calm, factual, but resolute approach should be received by sheepish reform, and action on any problems that are making the situation work.
If he's essentially a dick, well, I guess you're about to find out for sure. If he is, remember life is short.

Gymmum82 · 05/08/2023 20:43

Can you not speak to him and say look. The jobs need to be done. So if you don’t do them. For whatever reason then I will. And I don’t expect you to get pissy with me for doing the jobs that are needed to keep the house running

Greentree1 · 05/08/2023 20:48

I have a husband like this, he doesn't do stuff he's meant to/promised to, but if I do it. it's always I was going to do that and he gets irritated. I've given up the 'this is you're job', so if I do it it's no longer some sort of slight, annoying but works better. He's just really annoyingly slow doing anything, it takes hours, days, or forever!

pointythings · 05/08/2023 20:49

I think @FOJN and @Paperbagsaremine have it in a nutshell. I understand you feel sympathetic towards him, but his behaviour isn't acceptable and he shouldn't be allowed to get away with it. If that makes him feel worse, so be it - he doesn't get to treat you that way. Tim for some tough love.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/08/2023 20:51

Why you haven't told him to get off his arse and do his fair share is beyond me. He's taking the piss.

talkitup · 05/08/2023 20:54

If he was keeping up his end until recently, perhaps his health is deteriorating and he's really struggling to keep it up or to admit this to you?

Lapflop · 05/08/2023 20:55

FOJN · 05/08/2023 20:37

I agree he knows he is not doing enough and feels guilty but that is not your problem.

I would feel really bloody hurt too if I was trying to hold the household together to support a partner with a chronic health issue and then they resented me.

I wonder if he feels guilty because he knows he's using fatigue as an excuse to be lazy.

I think you need to have an honest conversation with him and tell him you won't tolerate being spoken to in that way when you are just trying to keep on top of things.

Could you afford a cleaner or to pay for someone to do the laundry. It sounds like you are carrying a lot on your shoulders and could do with some help.

I agree with this. Sure due to his health condition it sounds like he can't do as much as some would, but that doesn't mean he can talk to you like shit or to leave stuff to fester. I think you both need an open and honest chat, if it is genuinely too much for him then either together need to figure out stuff he could do ie can he take on more of the mental load? Can the children go to childcare 1 day you're not working so you actually have time to get stuff around the house done? Can you afford a cleaner/outside help?

TortolaParadise · 05/08/2023 21:04

Go ahead and clean your home as you wish. You don't want to invite any pests into your home which would only add to the issue.

Hibiscrubbed · 05/08/2023 21:10

He is angry with you because you’re making him face how he does fuck all.

You don’t need him. If he can go to the pub to drink, he can pull his fucking weight.

Molehillminnie · 05/08/2023 21:16

Interesting OP. Have had similar with a DH with a long term condition. Used to have a cleaner but can’t afford any more. Each weekend we have a fun day and a jobs day, as it were. I make a list and it’s all the things that keep life running smoothly for the next week - ironing/washing/pets/sports kits bagged for the right days/cooking/meal plans/insurance renewals/holiday bookings, endless.

When he’s tired, rather than say he’s knackered and needs a rest, he’ll sit and read or chill with the TV and then almost get actively annoyed that I’m beetling about trying to do his and my own jobs as otherwise by Tuesday, it will all have gone to shit. He sometimes almost takes the piss out of the lists and I find it so demeaning. It’s literally everything that keeps our family life on the road!!! I’d also rather be relaxing, wouldn’t I?! Seems to forget that!

As a PP has suggested, maybe there is a sense of guilt or something in there. I’m sure a psychologist would have something to say. I tend to ignore any eye rolling and just get on with it. At some point he will apologize and I think he is grateful deep down. It helps that his DM and brother pull him into line every now and then.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 05/08/2023 21:29

Maybe get him the t shirt I got my DS. "I said I'd do it and I will! You don't need to remind me every month!"

HotPringles · 05/08/2023 21:31

Has he said if he is feeling worse atm with his condition? Or even the fact his sleep must be disturbed in some ways, even oh he doesn’t get up?

Im wondering if there isn’t an explanation for him not doing the jobs he used to do but he doesn’t want to talk about it/puts brace face on etc…

Fwiw when I’ve been exhausted, I’d have reacted like your DH. Seeing someone doing stuff when I knew I ought to do them is hard when you ALSO don’t have the energy to do it. It’s (for me) not a criticism but the reminder of how poorly I am p. A reminder if my limitations. It took me a long time to accept all of that.

h3ll0o · 05/08/2023 21:34

if he’s unable to get on with these tasks due to medical reasons when he sees you doing the work it likely makes him feel even more like a failure, hence, why he tries to stop you supporting him

Twyford · 05/08/2023 21:46

I take it you've pointed out to him that you would have more time to sit with him if he helped you more?

LoisPrice · 05/08/2023 22:00

it maybe he knows you do so much and wants to encourage you to sit for a few minutes?

Id tackle the dc sleeping issue first and then sort out a better routine for you both

BatheInTheLight · 05/08/2023 22:27

"I'd love to be able to sit with you, but to be honest, I can't relax knowing there's X, Y and Z that has to be done, so I have to attend to that first"

BatheInTheLight · 05/08/2023 22:29

Adding, "I'd thought you'd be more appreciative of everything I do, making your life easier as we both know your health isn't great. Why are you so angry at me for sorting things out which helps all of us? Can you guess how that makes me feel?" Etc

Itshandled · 05/08/2023 22:31

I think I’m in your husband in this scenario. I will do my jobs but I need to do them when I feel up to it or I need to break them down into smaller chunks (e.g. I can sort the clean laundry now but I’ll put it away tomorrow).

Sometimes I ask/tell my husband, not to do my jobs - I want to feel useful to our family by doing them, I feel guilty I already don’t do more, it’s my exercise and I actually want to spend time with him, not watching him pick up my slack! Sometimes I will be grumpy, even though I know he’s just being helpful. Sometimes waiting for the job to be done will annoy him too much and he’ll say that and we agree he’s going to do it this time.

Your husband shouldn’t make you feel bad or be rude to you. Maybe a chat about what’s going on would help. He may not understand that having mess etc stresses you out to the extent that you can’t wait for him to do things.

WtP · 05/08/2023 22:59

He's being a knob, either you are a partnership that works to keep the whole family unit working. Or you need to tell him to step up to the plate.
If not he's got a big shock coming?

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread