Being told off for keeping the house running by DH

[Christopherpumpkin]

I really need someone sensible to tell me whether I’m being a normal busy mother or a terrible wife.

We have two children, 2.8 years and 18 months, husband works full time and I work 3 days. On my 2 non-working days I look after the kids on my own, so unless I’m working I don’t get any other time when they’re not around (apart from the odd hour or so if husband takes them to the park at the weekend etc). My husband also has a long term condition which he has treatment for, but makes him very fatigued.

As you can imagine I do A LOT! I also do every bedtime and see to the kids throughout the night. The routine has therefore been that my husband cleans the kitchen in the evenings and tidies downstairs/does odd jobs to keep things ticking over.

This was okay, until he’s stopped doing it. The last 6 months it’s like he’s given up. The kitchen is halfheartedly cleaned each night - dishwasher not run overnight, dirty pots and recycling on the side, food on the floor as not swept or mopped etc. The tidying and extra jobs aren’t getting done either. Although he did make it out for a drink in the pub with a friend on Wednesday night…

I’m trying to be understanding that he’s fatigued and not lose my shit, but he’s starting to get mad when I do any jobs around the house that’s he’s supposed to have done. I came down to a mess this morning, so whilst kids had breakfast and played I got to work sorting it out, loading dishwasher, sweeping floor etc. At no point did I make any comment to my husband about the mess, or berate him for not doing it as I’m trying to be understanding, but he got really annoyed that I’m doing these jobs and tells me to just sit down and have my breakfast. I said I’d rather just get it done now so things are sorted for the day, but his face and body language made me feel almost guilty for getting on with it! Like I was doing something wrong.

This has happened again this evening. The kids are realllyyyy reallyyyyy bad sleepers, both waking every 60 mins between going to bed and about 1am, so I try and escape their rooms and sit with him when I can but I do find it hard. Tonight I managed to escape and found him laying on the bed watching tv. I went to join him but set about folding the absolute mountain of clean washing that has been blocking the entrance to our bedroom door for the last 6 days, hoping to get some done before any wakeups. He’s got so so so mad at me, saying ‘please just sit down’ three times in an exasperated tone. Saying he’ll do the washing later and that I never sit with him.

I’ve just walked out and gone to the kids’ room to cry. I feel like I’m being told off for being a normal, adult woman who has two small children and a job! If I don’t do the household stuff in my limited free time, it’s just not going to get done (or will be done two weeks later). Am I being crazy here? Am I doing something wrong by making sure our household doesn’t go to shit? Is he just being a dick because he feels guilty that he’s not doing it?

I’m staying in here for the night now, fully expecting to get up in the morning with the kitchen a mess and the washing not folded…

If he’s too fatigued to do basic stuff then he should be applying for Pip to pay someone to do it.

I gave CF and Pip pays for a cleaner.

I'm on the same page as @Itshandled and I am often so exhausted by the mental load of working and being mum, life manager, social manager, etc that I just don't have the energy to do housework or laundry or tidy up, and I want to sit down and have a rest and scroll on my phone or whatever because I need the headspace. It really irritates me when DH starts storming about doing jobs, but part of it is he needs it doing there and then, whereas I need to feel up to doing it in my own time. Neither of us like mess, but I can put up with it better than him and prefer to prioritise my sanity sometimes and tidy up in the morning.
It often feels to me like him doing the jobs while I sit down is him being passive aggressive in saying I'm lazy and should be doing it. So it can make me feel inadequate/ guilty/ lazy. When in fact I do so so much that's unnoticed and unappreciated.
DH often says it's not that he's being passive aggressive, he simply likes it done and he is able to basically not sit down til it's done so he doesn't have mess in the morning.
Your DH needs to let you know if he's struggling, but also needs to accept your help and learn to accept if you want to do it. But equally you should listen to his side and perhaps if it does make him feel this way, try to sit down with him occasionally and leave it for him to do as and when he says he will. Maybe he'll surprise you.

Often I'll have a few days of feeling like I just can't get motivated then will just have a big clean or mammoth tidy up and everything is done. Just on my time, not my husband's time.

If he's supposed to clean the kitchen and doesn't then the OP HAS to. Otherwise it's a health hazard. And really, how much effort does it take to run a dishwasher?

And clean laundry left lying about won't stay clean for long and then also no one can find anything.

He either does the jobs or accept that someone else will because they need doing

If he's that fatigued does he need to go back to the doctor?

Is he just being a dick because he feels guilty that he’s not doing it?

Yes.

He really struggles with perceived criticism though, so if I told him it’s upsetting me when he’s like this he’s likely to just play the victim and paint me like the unreasonable wife.

Well, you’re not unreasonable and playing the victim is both extremely unattractive and not constructive so I’d give him both barrels if he tried it, tbh.

The current set up isn’t working, so something needs to change. Him moaning while you do all the work isn’t a solution.

Could you both do bedtime ( a child each) then clean up the kitchen together? Might feel less overwhelming to him.

You need to have a heart to heart with him and tell him how you are feeling about how he is handling things. Together you can find a way forward.

I have a fatiguing condition and it does impact on what I can do at home, but I do recognise that me not doing my part means more for DH to do. Unfortunately for me maintaining working the number of hours I do means less energy to do things at home. There is a trade off.

If cleaning the kitchen fully in the evening is too much then re-delegate the jobs or flex the jobs around his energy levels. He could do part of a job cleaning the kitchen in the evening to make it usable for you in the morning and then do the rest in the morning. I have to do this, it is called pacing.

For example when I have more energy I will do more active cleaning, cooking etc, but at low energy times I will sit and fold clothes. I can do meal prep sitting down to reduce energy outlay. Sitting with the kids while they settle could also be something he does so that you get some kid free time. Bedtimes/evenings sound really hard because you get no downtime.

When I first started pacing I made a list of jobs and put them into low, medium and high energy lists then I would which helped me still be productive and contribute on lower energy days/times of day.

The guilt that comes with no being able to help your partner with the household burden is not easy to handle at times because you feel like a failure as a partner and a parent.

It is also hard being the parent pulling more weight with young kids. I have been there too before I became unwell.

He sounds like he is missing spending time with you, but doesn't understand that you are feeling overwhelmed and you doing the jobs to compensate for him reduces your stress levels. He could have offered to help you fold clothes whilst sitting watching TV together.

Also him going to the pub once in a while isn't an awful thing so long as you also get time for yourself out of the house sometimes too. It can be quite depressing constantly dealing with fatigue and social contact with friends can help with mood.

Talk to him.

You need to get your little ones in a routine we have a 2 year old and twin 1 year olds they all go at 7 one of us stays to read a story and by 7.30 that's them for the night, you will feel better having that down time before you go to bed. Why not just ask why hubby has stopped. Hubby and I do everything together so it's not just on one person. He still works full time and dives in when he gets home. He has a back injury which causes severe pain and sometimes I insist he goes sit rather than help as I can see the pain in his face when he gets in from work but when it's not bad he helps

Learned helplessness aka lazy twat

Well I’m pretty sure he is well aware about that!
If you wanted to make someone bad about being ill, something they have no control on and could easily happen to you/the OP, that’s the way to go.

Compassion out of the window.

I don’t know what CF is. Chronic fatigue?

But if he is still working full time etc… he is going to struggle to get PIP. I mean there is nothing in the OP posts showing he has issues to Cook, clean himself etc… doing the HW isn’t part of PIP assessment.

Sounds like he's having a flare and needs his medication looked at. If it's autoimmune, a steroid shot could tide him over until any change in the more systemic medications takes effect.

By the way, uncontrolled inflammation can have a direct effect upon mood, completely unconnected to depression or pain - sort the inflammation, the mood lifts pretty much instantly.

As someone with a long term condition it is really hard when you are used to being able to do things and then you can't, for me it was demoralising and asking for help can be extremely difficult for some people as it's like admitting you aren't well.

I saw a psychologyist within the pain department at my local hospital and she really helped me see things from a different perspective. I didn't like asking for help at work with things like lifting boxes of photocopier paper, she made me think about my colleagues not looking at it in a negative way and that by not causing myself unnecessary pain I would be in a better state to work and that I helped colleagues in other less physical tasks.

How are you investing in your marriage? There won't be a household to clean if the relationship goes south. Remember to sit and spend time with him, ig isn't all go go go.

I have this issue in my marriage too. My dh is slow at jobs and keeps going until 10pm when we go to be. He gets no downtime and we get no couple time. I try to encourage him to do both (and go to the pub). He is less appreciative of my efficiency tips though!

Don’t know how you haven’t exploded in anger. I couldn’t live like that. Just cos he is ill doesn’t mean you have to stay with him, his health shouldn’t mean a life sentence for you. Especially when he doesn’t even appreciate it.

His behaviour is awful: if his health is impeding his ability to do even a small share of weekday/night parenting and domestic work (but not to work full time) he should raise that directly with you.

What is his health condition? Does he do as much as possible to manage it?

it’s very unfair that you have been doing all the evening and night parenting and with DC of that age waking frequently that will be bad for your health. Would prioritise your own health, since your H has little regard for it.

Thread is from four months ago.

Sounds exhausting, just something that I started doing when I had a toddler as I was desperate for some alone time. I joined a local gym and they have free crèche from 9-12 non- fri for babies and pre schoolers, dropped her off and had 3 hours to sit and drink coffee, do a class, go for a walk, catch up on life admin. Know it doesn't solve the housekeeping issues but gives you a time out to think.

I think you are both right.
As a couple you need to keep your relationship healthy and spend time as a couple , even if it’s watching just tv .
But like you OP I couldn’t relax with a big pile of clothes staring at me.

I don’t know what chronic condition your H has but with some working full time is a massive strain
Does he need to see a doctor about his condition if he feels worse?

Could you talk and look at changing your jobs allocation/days etc

You both need to talk about this before your relationship breaks