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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me not message and move on for good

36 replies

Imanidiotiknow2 · 05/08/2023 17:55

Wont go into a load of detail but I need some support pls. Been in an on again off again rship with someone for years (4) Hes not right for me and I’m not right for him. Huge attraction and I think we will always love each other but hes a head fuck. We fell out ovwr messages this morning and i messages saying “I wont disturb you again” not heard anything from him since. Childish I know- frankly it all is. I am 38 v soon and this is getting me no where. Ive tried dating inbetween but whats on offer isnt great . I was really strong and went for nine months not speaking to this guy and blocking him wtc and in a moment of weakness in feb unblocked and got speaking . Then started the whole rship back up. Im
and idiot (hence the name) but feel tempted to text him saying “can’t believe you hvent messged all day” but reading that back to myself makes me realise how sad that sounds. Frankly he hasnt messged and so doesn’t care. Help me not message him please!!!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 05/08/2023 17:57

Block and delete his number. Stop being your own worst enemy and move on with your life.

Original poster
Imanidiotiknow2 · 05/08/2023 17:59

Thanks I’ve done that all before. I know his number ofr ny heart sadly.

OP posts:
TheGoodBanana · 05/08/2023 18:02

Lock your phone in the car or take the sim out and put it on top of the fridge then get in the bath. Anything to distract yourself from the urge. Start a book, go for a walk. Just be away from your phone and keep busy!

Whataretheodds · 05/08/2023 18:02

Save his number as HE DOESN'T WANT YOU. Block and archive (or delete) the conversation history and call log.

Switch your phone off.

Make a list of all the things you want to do and go and do them.

Stratocumulus · 05/08/2023 18:04

Stop thinking about getting in touch.
Stop bring a saddo.

Get your glad rags on & go out/ring s friend/take a candle lit bath/ switch your phone off.
This man is not for you. Stop wasting your time & giving him headspace.

Tomorrow is the first day of your new life. Embrace it with both arms.

Original poster
Imanidiotiknow2 · 05/08/2023 18:22

Thanks I need brutal honesty

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 05/08/2023 18:47

You did 9 months ! So you can do it

to be honest I’m not sure if dating helps as for a while you need to fully get over him and re build as a single person

but 4 years
ive had this for 1.5 years and I’m done

4 years is a very long time to have your head fucked up

chocobaby · 05/08/2023 19:01

Wow are you allowing this? I think you lack self control and have a very poor self esteem. If you didn’t, you place yourself in a position for this never to happen. Basically making yourself a toy. Stop it! You’re knocking on 40. Get your emotions together and don’t let them control you.

Pipsquiggle · 05/08/2023 19:05

You deserve more than this.
Just stop.
Block.
Get a new number.

Celynfour · 05/08/2023 19:13

I’ve got one of these OP - over 4 years . It can mess with your head .
on these types of threads people often say you must be lacking in self esteem .
I dont think that’s always the case . My self esteem is good and I’m fairly independent . I just like him more than any others .
no specific advice other than a cost / benefits approach . Does he bring more value or angst ?
I am older than you , so for me , sometimes I think I’m happy with how it fits in with my other commitments so I enjoy what there is . Other times I hate his inconsistency .
only advice is to try and feel that you have agency over the situation .

DarkDarkNight · 05/08/2023 19:22

You will look ridiculous if you send those messages back to back. Telling him not to message you, then asking why he hasn’t messaged you?

I know it’s easier said than done but delete the number and the conversations. Ok, you know the number off by heart but if it’s not in your phone and you have to type it in it will give you some time to think about it before you send the message. Deleting the messages is good as you can’t go back and dwell on them and think about any positive memories.

talkitup · 05/08/2023 19:32

Invest in some therapy sessions to help you understand why you struggle to move on from someone you recognise is a 'head fuck'; concentrate on spending time with people who really want the best for you, like friends & family and focus on loving yourself. Be strong.

BarbaraV · 05/08/2023 19:41

You will look deranged if you message him asking that.

Block

ForestGoblin · 05/08/2023 19:49

Some men are only for fun. If he's a drama queen it won't just be you he's stringing along. You probably already know this. Save yourself the hassle and annoyance.

Pinkbonbon · 05/08/2023 19:54

Ask yourself this - is he a kind human being?

And to clarify, by kind I mean - having empathy, compassionate. Considerate. Warm-hearted.

If the answer is no,no he is not kind. Then why should he be on your life in any capacity? I wouldn't even want a friend who wasn't kind.

Life is too short to waste a second with people who cant even meet the very low bar of basic human kindness.

Olika · 05/08/2023 19:59

The longer you are with a wrong person the less time you have left to be with the right one.

00Aybee · 05/08/2023 20:00

I’ve been here , it’s an awful feeling. As one op said, I also don’t think it’s always down to self esteem or lacking in self confidence. Until you’ve been in a toxic situation like that it’s very difficult to understand. The games are energy draining but keep you on the “hook”. The silences are deafening and on the return when things are good it makes the bad times not seem to bad…. You’ll always chase the high of a “ normal relationship with them”. You don’t need me to tell you you’ll never get that and this is not healthy. You can also justify it as many ways as you like , it’s just a casual thing, il see him in my free time etc and play it down to make the “head f*€k” seem not too bad - like it’s better the devil you know then the devil you don’t .

I did this for 3 years! Wasted my time on someone I knew wasn’t right. As hard as it is to walk away I’d do it for your health and sanity. Throw yourself into something else , YouTube videos , exercise anything but you’ve done 9 months you can do more. To him you are weak, show him you’re not !

Thisisworsethananticpated · 05/08/2023 20:52

The longer you are with a wrong person the less time you have left to be with the right one

i don’t know , it’s not that simple

but the misery of these liasons really are not sustainable

waiting for the message
the disappointments
the excuses you make
the false hope when it restarts
the compromises you make

fuck that

Original poster
Imanidiotiknow2 · 05/08/2023 21:04

Please keep them coming. This is helping me ever so much

OP posts:
YoSof · 05/08/2023 21:21

Imagine his smug smile when you message him again. He’s sat there waiting for you to come running like you always do, so what if this time…..you don’t?

What if you block and go no contact, start healing, build a better life and go on to have a healthy relationship?

Or just message, and continue the fucked up cycle for another few years. Which sounds like the better option?

RandomForest · 05/08/2023 21:23

Op, I once was listening to two guys playing pool, one of them was obviously getting texts from his partner, she was also trying desperately to call and he put the phone on silent.

Every text that his partner sent was read and mocked by both of them, clearly she was in such pain by her voicemails that he proceeded to play and laugh at, it ammused them greatly, it was cruel, sadistic and unnecesarry.

I always think if someone refuses to engage then don't bother.

He's not right for you, you know this.

Birthdayblu · 05/08/2023 23:17

Write down everything you dislike about him.

once you make it to a week of no contact, treat yourself to something nice. Book a trip

he’s not the one. Don’t message him, take control!

Hiddenvoice · 05/08/2023 23:30

block, delete and move on! Maybe even, if not too difficult, change your number? Would mean he wouldn’t know it in the future.

I had a guy like this and I felt like all my dates were rubbish because I was still hung up on him. We had a huge attraction to each other but we just didn’t fit. We tried a lot but would always end up with me feeling lost and heart broken. Once I decided to really go no contact with him, I managed to move on. I won’t lie, it was tough but I just needed to keep reminding myself that it it was meant to be then it would have worked long before now. Once he was fully out my life I actually felt relieved.

Hawkins009 · 05/08/2023 23:34

@Imanidiotiknow2
Sorta similar perspective, saw an ex couple of weeks back, and the way I got the stare from them was very puzzling, and then the same again at different supermarket, I had considered texting to see how she is doing these days, as words in the winds are that the marriage is on the rocks etc, overall I figured its better to let them text me first, as then they are sure it's what they want rather than they just replying to be polite.

Squarepegroundholee · 05/08/2023 23:45

You need ‘the list’ in your phone notes write a list of every awful thing he’s done and add to it everytime you think of one …. Store his number as ‘ read the list ‘ and read it rather than respond