Help me not message and move on for good

[Imanidiotiknow2]

Wont go into a load of detail but I need some support pls. Been in an on again off again rship with someone for years (4) Hes not right for me and I’m not right for him. Huge attraction and I think we will always love each other but hes a head fuck. We fell out ovwr messages this morning and i messages saying “I wont disturb you again” not heard anything from him since. Childish I know- frankly it all is. I am 38 v soon and this is getting me no where. Ive tried dating inbetween but whats on offer isnt great . I was really strong and went for nine months not speaking to this guy and blocking him wtc and in a moment of weakness in feb unblocked and got speaking . Then started the whole rship back up. Im
and idiot (hence the name) but feel tempted to text him saying “can’t believe you hvent messged all day” but reading that back to myself makes me realise how sad that sounds. Frankly he hasnt messged and so doesn’t care. Help me not message him please!!!

op i really get this, it is soooo soooo hard but i had to go nc, needed to stop. omg sooo hard. but it was not right and i was not being treated as i deserved. i adored this man. loved the bones of him.
but what a head fuck. even 3 years later i'm still thinking about him. i drive past his work everyday so he always pops into my head. he is blocked on everything. i have looked back on pictures once in that time in a moment of weakness. i literally need to have a proper distraction from thinking of him. but looking back, the time wasted, the checking phones constantly. what it does to ur head. u read messaged wrong, get paranoid. it was a head fk and i now respect myself more. i was worth more. i won't let anyone else ever do that to me again. put yourself first. it does get easier.

Squarepegroundholee

I’ve done soooo many lists

the problem is he texts me and if I’m having a bad sad or lonely day my little heart flutters

and as with others the other people I’ve dated havnt been the same in terms of chemistry
which makes it worse !

My current plan is
dont text !

remind myself I have a major milestone birthday coming and I don’t want to enter a new decade stressing over someone who’s unable to be kind when he’s depressed and who’s unable to resolve his issues

Op
thanks for starting this thread

im in the exact same boat !!!

Read some self help books, about self esteem and healing. He isn't a loss to you, but what you should feel sad about is how little you value yourself if you go back to him. Keep reading the books, listen to songs that inspire you & book/arrange something nice to do for yourself. Try to not date for now. Just concentrate on yourself. I went through this & booked a holiday (on the other side of the world!) Amazing what distance can do too!

As yourself this -

"Why do I want to send this message? What do I want to happen as a result? What am I hoping to achieve?"

I've a sneaky feeling you're pissed off that he hasn't been in touch to apologise or talk things through so you want to "remind him" that you're still here but it does sound like he's taken your last message as the relationship's over and his lack of effort to get in touch makes me think he's happy to leave things that way.

Maybe it is for the best, given what you've written about the relationship.

Up thread someone suggested self help books and personal development. Instead of dating one time after a break up I immersed myself in my work.
Changed my attitude and stopped think about my 'job' but thought of it as my 'career', Gave it all of my attention. It took up all of my time and made me think of myself as a manager and it worked.
Almost overnight I concentrated on the industry. I had no time for time wasters, I had no time for trivia.
After 2 years I had better dates and better friends.

Hollyisblue

i like that idea
I’ve been working on a lot of projects the past few years and currently hate work !
dating was kind of a hobby , but as my life slowly improves (and set backs , of course )

@Thisisworsethananticpated Did you write everything in your post?
Dating as a hobby? I like that idea. Blokes do it all the time of course. "Jack the Lad" wanting to fuck as many as he can!

Seriously, were you able to see those projects through to a conclusion?
You are right that there can be set-backs.
It raises the rhetorical question 'are easy things truly worthwhile?' I changed career. Concentrated on the internal management and financial development rather than the technical or engineering.
Will you have a chance to change emphasis of you position?

Holly I don’t know
my current function works in that I’m quite good at it , and I deliver the results

but it’s joyless , and somehow I need to change that
and yes , my other projects have shown results

but as my dating ‘project’ has caused a bit too much angst

I’d like to explore having work be more joyful

how has work being better for you - made dating better ?

Yep been there! On and off about 3 times. One of them even had a 2 year gap in the middle with no contact. Whole thing was ridiculous, managed to go totally cold turkey - deleted and blocked everywhere. You can do it.

Imagine your 'need' for him is an addiction, similar to being an alcoholic. There are a lot of motivational influencers who address alcohol addiction on YouTube - Quit Alcohol Coach, This Naked Mind, William Porter/Alcohol Explained..,... Find one that resonates and immerse yourself.

Secondly, invest in raising your self-esteem. Find a counselor and read one or two of the many books on self-esteem. Women Who Love Too Much is also very good.

And don't even think of ever messaging - or responding to one of his messages - again. You are not a mouse to be toyed with!

@Thisisworsethananticpated
how has work being better for you - made dating better ?
Yes the job change enabled me to meet a different set of people. Some of my women friends were also very set in their life patterns so did not help me change. Which gave me the kind of change that OP might need. Not 'better' just a different outlook. My last relationship which lasted about 6 months happened to be with a woman. We met outside of work.

So as not to Hi-jack this thread I am quite willing to accept a PM.