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Original poster

Cancelled meet up because I didn't text him - advice please

37 replies

Idontknowwhattothink94 · 05/08/2023 15:47

I met a guy a few months ago though work. We work for the same company but different departments. We exchanged numbers and at the start, he would text me once or twice per week, mostly work related and general chat. I bumped into him a month ago on a night out and since then, we had been texting almost every day, the texts have been very flirty. We would text throughout the day until night. We would also chat on the phone.

We agreed to meet for coffee a few weeks ago and it went great. He texted me afterwards saying he can't wait to see me again and asked if I was available to meet for coffee on Friday . We agreed to meet and both said how much we couldn't wait to see each other again. We were texting each other up to last Saturday night and then I heard nothing from him last week.
I text him on Friday morning and asked him if he was still ok to meet and he replied by saying that he wasn't sure if I still wanted us to meet because I didn't text him and thought I had changed my mind. He said he didn't want to text me because he didn't want to be annoying me and said he'd love to arrange another date (even though we had both agreed on this date). He does initiate most of our texts, but he never mentioned this being an issue before.
I was really hurt but tried not to come across as too clingy, I replied no worries and that I hadn't changed my mind and that I would have let him know if I couldn't have made it. He never responded to this text and I haven't heard from him since. I really like this guy and this has really affected me. I just can't understand the sudden shift from texting everyday to nothing? Should I initiate contact with him again or wait to hear from him?
I would appreciate any advice please.

OP posts:

PurpleGreenandWhiteAreTheNewPrimaryColours · 05/08/2023 15:51

Sounds like he got cold feet, sorry

The not texting thing is an excuse

Otherwise he'd be back to the meet up thing like a shot

LivingitLarge · 05/08/2023 15:54

You explained what happened and said you still wanted to meet up. You can’t do any more.

INeedAnotherName · 05/08/2023 15:57

Sounds like he's found someone else, sorry.

MatthewBroderick · 05/08/2023 15:59

Sounds like the texting thing is a mean excuse, making you feel bad for him calling it off, either because he’s changed his mind or it’s some sort of PUA power play.

Helpmepleaseimbusy · 05/08/2023 16:01

I'd leave it. You were clear about how you felt. He probably just changed his mind and used the texting thing as an excuse.

determinedtomakethiswork · 05/08/2023 16:02

We would text throughout the day until night. We would also chat on the phone.

Would you text in the evening as well then? Would you talk in the evening? I wonder whether he's married.

His excuse is absolutely pathetic.

Helpmepleaseimbusy · 05/08/2023 16:02

But also OP. I'm curious as to why you didn't initiate contact over the week you never heard from him.

littlebopeepp234 · 05/08/2023 16:11

Oh get rid he’s just gaslighting and wasting your time! You didn’t hear anything from him for a while so I’m assuming you was the last one to message him?? And then when you text him again he said he wasn’t sure because you didn’t text him? What a weirdo!! He’s just making excuses! If he wanted to see you he would have put in the effort

Pinkbonbon · 05/08/2023 16:12

Sounds like he love bombed you then blew cold.

Texting all the time and calling ect when you've only had one date...ugh.

It's designed to hook you fast.
It's too full on.

Then once they think they gave you hooked, they blow cold for a bit to test it. Before suddenly reappearing. If you just go back to normal.with them, without calling them out - thry onwards you're a sucker.

Alternatively, if they think you aren't falling for them fast enough through their love bombing, they lose interest and drop you.

In future, set boundaries. No texting every day with some guy you've been on one date with. Keep contact between dates to arranging the dates. And the occasional mid week how's it going chat or meme share.

Don't get hooked on people you barely know. You have to meet them over a longish period of time to suss them out.

Pinkbonbon · 05/08/2023 16:13

*they know that you're a sucker.

Epidote · 05/08/2023 16:14

If you like him, text him and see what is his response. It could be a misunderstanding and he felt bad because he was always initiating the conversation it could be just a excuse.

You will know soon but you lost nothing texting him.

QuintessentiallyScottish · 05/08/2023 16:15

I really like this guy and this has really affected me. I just can't understand the sudden shift from texting everyday to nothing?

It could be he thinks you're already hooked and this is him testing your boundaries. Keep a hold of that feeling you're feeling, listen to it, it might help prevent you getting in any deeper if you're next move doesn't make things much better.

If he has someone else lined up he'll probably remain cold, if he's a headfucker he'll be back all lovey dovey. And you'll forgive and forget this little 'oops'. Until the next time, which will make you feel even worse.

Should I initiate contact with him again or wait to hear from him?

Don't let him make all the decisions. Please be careful with this one. Good luck.

Gowlett · 05/08/2023 16:19

You’re not the only one. He was definitely texting during the week. It just wasn’t to you. Been there…

BigFatLiar · 05/08/2023 16:22

I text him on Friday morning and asked him if he was still ok to meet and he replied by saying that he wasn't sure if I still wanted us to meet because I didn't text him and thought I had changed my mind. He said he didn't want to text me because he didn't want to be annoying me and said he'd love to arrange another date (even though we had both agreed on this date). He does initiate most of our texts, but he never mentioned this being an issue before.

I suspect he thinks you're cooling off.
He's doing all the chasing and is starting to think he may be becoming a pest as you're interested when he initiates contact but you don't initiate. Once you contacted him he was fine. If you like him don't sit around waiting for him. Why not be more proactive and make contact.

livethislifetoday · 05/08/2023 16:26

Not to get too forensic, but who was the last to text before the week of silence?

If him - maybe it was a mixture of him thinking you weren't bothered, and then him losing interest/having other options.

If it was you - expecting a double-text is unreasonable and he's definitely lost interest/has other options.

Either way sounds like the interest isn't there, so chalk it up, brush yourself off and move on.

In the early days, especially when only texting - there's a lot of face-saving, not wanting to appear clingy, over thinking, but generally speaking if you're both keen and it's a match, it tends to flow quite naturally. This one's not for you x

BristolLily · 05/08/2023 16:29

When you said he initiated most of the texts, what does this mean? He was the first to text most days or start a text conversation? If so I’d be thinking the same as him, that you’re aren’t that keen

Hairyfairy01 · 05/08/2023 16:33

So he started all the texts, never you? And when he stopped doing that you didn't text him? Then when he explained that he thought you weren't keen as you never started the texts, you still didn't text him first? If so I think he has a point to be honest.

Ladyoftheknight · 05/08/2023 16:34

It sounds like you both didn't message though, if he'd been ignoring multiple messages through the week from you then bin him, if neither messaged you're both silly for hesitating!

annonymousse · 05/08/2023 16:38

Consider it a bullet dodged. He sounds like hard work.

WimbyAce · 05/08/2023 16:38

I'm guessing he cooled off a bit as you weren't messaging so he didn't want to look needy.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 05/08/2023 16:41

Honestly?! I’ve had much more success when I haven’t put all my eggs in one basket and had a few guys on the go and texting and meeting them. I was fairly honest about this and am now dating one of them.

Another man I didn’t meet but still texts is very keen still, i might meet for a friendly drink but he has a daughter he sees a lot of etc.

With this man you’re texting way too much and chatting and on the phone and not meeting in my opinion/from experience.

Coffeetree · 05/08/2023 16:49

Gosh this just happened to a friend of mine(honest, not me)!

She was due to have a third date with promising new guy. Didn't hear from him as much in the preceding week, figured he was busy, no biggie. Then when she said, "Hope we're still on for Sat etc etc" he messaged back that there was no need, he could tell that she'd had a change of heart.

She was like, "I literally just said I was looking forward to seeing you?"

Gaslighting nonsense, OP. Just block and move on.

SameOldTed · 05/08/2023 16:58

Agree on gaslighting - he's playing you. I suspect he wants you hooked in as a text/attention/possibly sexting buddy rather than a real life social or dating person.

There's loads of these types out there sadly - they know they need to "occasionally" suggest a FTF but rarely follow through, and the rest of the time they just want flirty/sexy messages and photos and attention on tap.

I suspect by ignoring your last message (which he should have replied to with another date suggestion if it was a genuine misunderstanding ) he wants you to start begging him to meet/being his personal OnlyFans star for free.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 05/08/2023 17:11

Sounds to me like he felt that he was putting all the work in and you didn't seem that interested.

He spent weeks showing you he was interested, now hes waiting for you to reorganise the next date. It's a bit game playing if you ask me, but if your still interested then just ask him if he's free tomorrow, Tuesday etc.

Smineusername · 05/08/2023 17:25

He's had a better offer. Move on

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