Starting again after losing my whole family due to narcissistic abuse

[EveryoneWillBetrayYou]

I’m just coming out of months of severe depression , on sertraline and having weekly therapy.
Id had to move as well so have felt isolated.

Growing up I was severely abused by narcissistic mother and had siblings who joined in as they were golden child/flying monkeys and basically they knew to take her side or suffer like me.

I went NC 2 years ago which set off a chain of events that nearly led to absolute catastrophe for me. DM plus my siblings couldn’t cope with losing me as their punchbag so sabotaged every aspect of my life. Wider family were told awful lies about me and wouldn’t speak to me , friends and support network the same and everyone believed the majority.
They reported me for various things and I had to be investigated by my work which although was fine in the end the process was traumatising so I ended up leaving.
They knew where I lived obviously so that became an issue, spread so many lies locally I was feeling I couldn’t go out. My wider family stopped speaking to me.

I moved. I used up all my savings. Changed number. Got rid of all SM. Thought that was it then I had a total breakdown. It started one day and I thought I was coming down with something felt tired and shivery. Nausea and a headache. The next day I had severe palpitations. Then anxiety and couldn’t go out. I had to see the GP and was diagnosed with depression it got so bad that at one point I was having daily visits at home from the mental health team as an alternative to hospital admission.

im much much better now but still have feelings of sadness. I have nobody except my dh ds and dd (who also had to uproot their whole lives) so I feel guilty about that.

Im now looking at next steps. I want a fresh start and to make some friends who won’t pre judge me on lies from my family but I’m so nervous.

Has anyone been through similar or has any advice?

You've done the hard part, now you're healing, rebuilding and finding yourself. Baby steps and lots of self care.

I'm healing from a marriage with a similar dynamic, and I absolutely understand. A lot of the depression is complex ptsd, I think.

I honestly think it is baby steps to build your confidence, boundaries to make sure you don't slip back in at any point. You understand it now, you can see the patterns, so stay strong and work towards enjoying your life.

It’s hard to realise that now I can talk to people / make friends and they won’t have pre existing negative views about me. Which is obviously a good thing but so strange to me in a way ?

Part of me still keeps wanting to find the reason too and I need to let go of that because I can’t understand the actions of others the only part I do understand is that people believed the majority and I’m not angry at wonder family and friends I see now how dm and my siblings cultivated a public image and a united front for a reason. Nobody wanted to take the risk to take my side which used to make me angry but I understand now.

I need to make friends as I can’t lean on dh ds and dd I need to do something I was thinking a course in something as a first step as that’s not 100% social so if conversations aren’t there or it’s not people I really get on with I’m there to learn something. Work has been ok but not really much opportunity to make friends yet maybe there will be soon I think that’s my fault for being so guarded

A course is a great idea. Or a gym class? Or yoga class? I found swimming incredibly beneficial as well, particularly when I was at my lowest.

Don't do too much too soon though. You have to build your confidence slowly.

I'm so sorry you've been through so much. It makes complete sense you had a breakdown when you did, it was probably the first time you felt safe enough to actually process what was done to you. Up until then you were just in survival mode...

You've already come so far and your strength and resilience is what defines you, not the nonsense rumours that others spread. I'd second starting a new hobby where you can meet and chat with others in passing but still do something you enjoy or have always wanted to try. It sounds like you've taken all the steps to cut the poison out of your life, so now is the time to do things for the fun of it. I think if there's anything you thought before looked fun or interesting then give it a go, practice making small talk with people in passing like shop assistants or on the bus etc to build up your confidence. (You might make someone's day in the process). Maybe volunteering would give you a chance to meet others who are empathetic and do something to help others? I think if you manage to get out every day walking (or a few times a week whatever feels manageable to start) and then build yourself up, you'll do great. Just remember progress isn't linear, you'll probably have days where you feel triggered by the past or where you don't get the reception you'd hoped for or you still feel a bit lonely, but it won't undo any of the progress you've already done and every day is a new day. Maybe volunteering to do a few things at your kids school if they're at that age might be a way to let other parents get to know you too.

And the thing to remember is, rumours are just rumours until proven otherwise. I remember working with a woman and hearing really awful things about her before she started and being nervous about it. But then I got to know her and she was so lovely. So opinions can be changed by you just being you even if someone did hear any nonsense. Good luck op.

Have you seen this thread, OP? Awful though it is, it’s clearly not just you… x
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4851155-nc-didnt-stop-my-pain-and-suffering-and-im-only-free-now-ive-lost-everything-and-started-again

That was me Different username I posted before as was so upset

You poor thing. I'd be your friend if you lived near me. You sound like you've been through the absolute ringer.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You are so brave!

I think you're flipping fantastic.

I'm so sorry that your family were so evil and nasty to you, but you're rising now, like a phoenix from the flames and you will be better and stronger without them!

Can you mention even in very wide terms whereabouts you are (I'm really not asking for exact locations based on your circumstances) but if there are mums out there in or around your county they may be able to suggest groups/activities that might help you make new friends and start your new life off with a modicum of positivity.

I want to wish you every good thing and success with your life going forwards. You definitely deserve it.

Ah, apologies. I can sort of understand it in a way — people so awful have to have an outlet for their anger, and I can sort of see it would incense them that you E got away from them, so they’d try to bring you down from afar. I’m so sorry this happened to you and well done for making the break. Stay strong and it will get easier, I promise. X

People who have been the family scapegoat will suffer from complex trauma. You need a good therapist , one who understands narcissistic abuse. You need to avoid people who insist that you resume contact (usually they are well meaning, with happy, supportive families, they don't understand narcissism and as a result can't imagine being NC with family). You should also watch Dr Ramani's videos on YouTube.

There's an organisation called Stand alone which might be useful to look up OP. You're not alone. Get all the support and counselling and help you need and remember that you've already got through the worst and are strong. What happened to you was not your fault. You're really better off out of it and can make a good life for yourself and heal. Good luck