Husband turns everything around on me

[Aria2015]

When I express being upset or frustrated to my dh, he always gets defensive and starts to reel off examples of how he could say the same about me eg if I said ‘I feel unappreciated because of xyz’ he’ll say ‘I could say the same about you, when do you show me appreciation for abc?’.

If I try and refocus onto my issue, he’ll say how come I’m allowed to be upset about something but he isn’t? He’ll accuse me of being selfish in my thinking.

I’ve said that it’s fine for him to be annoyed at me for stuff but please could he not choose when I’m trying to express my feelings about something to do it. Just tell me another time. I’ve told him that this will help both of us as we can each focus on what’s bothering the other.

But he doesn’t. Only when I bring up a grievance, will he air his straight back. We go around in circles and I end up crying in frustration.

He never allows me just to be upset, to air something, address it and try and make it better. It always gets turned around onto me.

We don’t argue often, if we did, I think I’d be deeply unhappy.

If I’m upset at something unrelated to him, eg work or someone else, he’s always kind and supportive. But when I have an issue with him, this pattern of turning me having an issue into him having an issue emerges.

I’m not sure what I want from this. Maybe tips on how I could approach things differently to stop this happening?

@Kj92 he never says anything about his childhood or criticises his parents. In fact, he's on a constant mission to gain approval from them (it never comes). What I know about his childhood comes from what I've been told by his siblings and also what I've observed firsthand with how they behave.

It's difficult because he's supportive and loving when I'm upset due to something unrelated to him. But as soon as it relates to him, it's like he gets in such a mess with his emotions that he comes out swinging (not literally).

Not much in terms of support, but just to say my DH can be like this so sometimes not worth saying anything.
He's also very much 'you just want to pick fights'. Erm no, it's perfectly justified actually.

You’ve just said everything you need to hear.
He is supportive until you critique him? Is that want you want?

I don’t mean to sound funny I am just genuinely trying to offer support to someone who’s in a position where I was. I’m unsure what you’re wanting to hear on this. Looking at your replies you are jumping to defend him when someone is honest as to what’s happening.

I think you know what the answer is. If you want to live quiet life, where you’re feelings and thoughts are seen as being argumentative and moaning then continue, but believe me (and I write this after going through a heartbreak for the exact reasons you are askin) some “men” are not emotionally mature enough to allow for people to communicate with them and that’s fine but god don’t do what I did and bend over backwards to try and make it get through them it never will.

Sending love of love xxx

Apologies, I should have said your husband is the weak person. Who knows whether he actually has that strategy by design or if it's instinctual though...

@Kj92 @Cheesandcrackers @Aria2015

Although mine is more extreme, this is what I did year after year and put it down to childhood issues, struggling and tried to sympathise, work through it and hoped it would get better and it got worse. In my case I was being abused around a month after we met but I just didn't see it, understand it and I didn't listen to my gut.

So again, may not be similar just another perspective, something I wish I had years ago because if I knew what I know now I would have got out long ago. Verbal and silent treatment was only the beginning and I never in my wildest dreams thought they would be capable of what they did and are doing now.

Some people have issues with trauma and emotions which is understandable and they seek help or understand how it feels, they can listen to others and treat others right as a result.

Others on the other hand have deep set issues related to being unable to be to blame, accept fault or be wrong and in my experience they cannot change or seek help because that would be admitting they are not right and are not okay. The total opposite of how they see themselves.

Again, may not be like mine but I see similarities. Also, empathy can be mimicked and only surface level, should there be a lack of genuine empathy be wary.

Hi I know this is an old thread but have you had any luck? Any meaningful changes? If so, how did you go about it? I read this post and I swear I thought I was reading my own writing about my own SO.

This is a running joke in our relationship “you do it too”. In essence the exact same thing, can we discuss your snoring it’s kept me awake all night and I’d like you to find some remedies. His reply “you snore too”

Do you think you could maybe make less noise when eating “you make noise too” and on and on and on.

he will even drag up things from years ago to defend himself and all I’m asking is for some support or for him to listen but nope “you do it too” comes out.

so now after 20+ years just start the conversation with … before i start talking can we agree you won’t say “you do it too” and he agrees and he listens.

he just needs to be reminded it’s his way and it’s hard for him to stop, so he does still do it occasionally but less and less after being called on it.

Arhh sorry zombie thread. Ignore my reply

@JustSadAF actually things have got better. We did some marriage counselling and it helped a lot. Not excusing the behaviour entirely, but I've come to learn that my dh tries to avoid conflict. He was raised in a very emotionally stunted environment so never really learnt how to manage and resolve things and so has just opted to avoid conflict as it's easier. As a result he'll tend not to air any grievances that he has, but obviously this just bottles up feelings. When I come to him with a grievance he had this feeling of injustice that he doesn't complain about me (even though I inevitably do things to annoy / upset him) and so that was triggering him to respond the way he did.

So we've worked on him being more open when I do things to upset or annoy him and he's worked on actually listening to me when I raise something and to hold back on airing his issues until mine is resolved. It's a work in process, but he's definitely more mindful of doing it. I'm also trying to be on the look out more for signs he's not happy about something and giving him a nudge to be open about how he's feeling. I think he's coming to realise that he can raise things and it doesn't have to be a big fall out. Most of the time, it's unintentional on my part so I'll just genuinely apologise and he feels better straight away. So a positive change that will continue to improve (I hope!).

Just found out DH is subscribed to and frequently visits this subreddit. I felt very uneasy going through it, as it feels like a bunch of (mostly but not entirely) men who blame their SOs for trying to hold them accountable for their actions -- what do you all think?

https://www.reddit.com/r/BPDlovedones

I'm disturbed and upset for several reasons -- and it makes me feel like he will literally never recognize or take accountability for his actions towards me.

It's like a whole ass subreddit full of DARVOs.

This kind of issue really does benefit from a good couple's therapist. It's about unpicking what's underlying it (childhood wounds and family patterns) and then giving you both the chance to practise handling conflict differently with a neutral observer there to pause and redirect.

Couples wait many years too long to come to therapy which is a huge shame because wounds and resentment build up over time and eat away at the bond. Really do consider it.

Editing to say just saw this this was a zombie thread. I'm so glad you got counselling @Aria2015

Maybe a zombie thread but clearly resonating with so many of us still, glad it's being found and that it's helping provide validation for some of us, including me❤️

Hi everyone I'm new here!¡!

This! My SO is notorious for saying “I never said that” “agreed to that” etc. he’s 20 years older so it’s hard to tell if he just playing games or if he really doesn’t remember sometimes. We start couples therapy tomorrow. Hopefully he goes. If not, I’m out. This happened with my ex husband. I finally just left. I’m also starting individual therapy this week in case we do break up. I’ve tried leaving several times and always come back. I will need professional assistance to do it indefinitely.