Husband turns everything around on me

[Aria2015]

When I express being upset or frustrated to my dh, he always gets defensive and starts to reel off examples of how he could say the same about me eg if I said ‘I feel unappreciated because of xyz’ he’ll say ‘I could say the same about you, when do you show me appreciation for abc?’.

If I try and refocus onto my issue, he’ll say how come I’m allowed to be upset about something but he isn’t? He’ll accuse me of being selfish in my thinking.

I’ve said that it’s fine for him to be annoyed at me for stuff but please could he not choose when I’m trying to express my feelings about something to do it. Just tell me another time. I’ve told him that this will help both of us as we can each focus on what’s bothering the other.

But he doesn’t. Only when I bring up a grievance, will he air his straight back. We go around in circles and I end up crying in frustration.

He never allows me just to be upset, to air something, address it and try and make it better. It always gets turned around onto me.

We don’t argue often, if we did, I think I’d be deeply unhappy.

If I’m upset at something unrelated to him, eg work or someone else, he’s always kind and supportive. But when I have an issue with him, this pattern of turning me having an issue into him having an issue emerges.

I’m not sure what I want from this. Maybe tips on how I could approach things differently to stop this happening?

If you want to save the relationship you could ask him to go for couples counselling.

That's what I've done. My H is the exact same as OP's. I suggested couples counselling on numerous occasions, and he always brushed it off. It got to the point where I gave him an ultimatum, get help or get out. He's had his qst session and the second is upcoming. Poor communication does not make for a happy, healthy relationship.

If I try and refocus onto my issue, he’ll say how come I’m allowed to be upset about something but he isn’t? He’ll accuse me of being selfish in my thinking.

I don't know if it would make any difference - but I would ask him why he hasn't approached you about things he is upset with, separately, if he finds anything to he a problem? Why does he choose to wait to bring anything up UNTIL you bring up something you want to discuss?

I'm not really sure he could answer that honestly.

Because his behaviour comes across as deflective and avoiding otherwise surely he would be able to bring up and discuss the things that he is supposedly upset about as they occur, rather than waiting just to throw something back at you when you want to discuss what bothers you. This effectively results in neither of you being able to discuss anything ever. Thus, he is ultimately creating a new issue here between you.

If he refuses to see this and alter this behaviour you likely will end up compromising just to keep the peace and resent him for it.

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar I 100% think his behaviour is related to his upbringing. Both his parents used to give him silent treatment whenever he displeased them. This could go on go on for weeks. He recognises that the silent treatment is toxic and he doesn't do it himself, but I think because he never grew up with good role models in terms of communication and resolving conflicts, he reacts the way he does.

@RedRobyn2021 yes, sometimes I resort to messaging over WhatsApp because I feel like he can maybe digest it better. It sometimes works, sometimes doesn't. But at least when I have ha d proof in messages, he can't say 'I didn't say x' etc... so that's been helpful sometimes to illustrate my point by using his own messages.

It's not how I'd ideally choose to communicate though. I'd rather just speak face-to-face without it turning into a shit show!

@ZenNudist I am perfectly fine with some back and forth. I think the the main issue for me is that resolving my issue is never the priority for him. The priority seems to be proving me wrong or turning it around so that we're talking about his issues.

When he tells me he has an issue (usually only brought up when I have an issue with him!), I still put effort into listening to him and resolving it. I don't like to think he's unhappy about something, so I am motivated to make it better if I can.

@Mom2K I have tried that. I have specifically said, if you have an issue with me, that's fine but please can we chat about my issue now (as I initiated it) and we can address your issue tomorrow. I have even said that it would benefit us both, because if we 'takes turns' to focus on each others issue, we're more likely to resolve them.

The only thing that seems to take the wind out of his sails, is if I take accountability for whatever the issue he throws at me is. Then he's a bit stuck, because I've done what he didn't. I've listened, made myself accountable and promised to make changes in the future.

Also, when I say 'why are you bringing this up now? Why not tell me another time?' he says stuff like 'well I wasn't going to say anything, but since you're said xyz I thought I'd say something'.

Sounds like my H. In earlier days I recall getting so frustrated that I told him he "couldn't argue properly!" It's really really exhausting as I have to constantly what I would describe as "manage the argument" to say "yes we can come to your issue but can we deal with mine initially" its hard to keep track of the discussion as he will constantly deflect. On the rare occasion we make any progress I try to if I'm not seething with frustration acknowledge and show appreciation for a change in behaviour !

I have my own thread running about my DH, but I'm finding this thread and the one about silent treatment quite eye opening. In light of what happened to me I now believe these are both controlling behaviours designed to put you in your place (in the wrong), so that they never have to take any accountability for their behaviour and are always in the right and therefore better than you. Be careful with this one. I never would have dreamt it could happen, but I had years of dealing with deflections and tactics like these whenever I tried to raise or discuss issues (and silent treatments whenever he'd decided the conversation was over or I did/said something he didn't like) and he assaulted me in front of my children a few days ago. Please watch out for other red flags.

This happened to me

@twinklystar23 omg, so much of what you said is exactly how I feel! Spooky similar!

@Cheesandcrackers i'm not sure I've understood this properly? Are you saying I'm weak for saying he's defensive? I do identify with the last part you've said. I do try and avoid arguments because it ends up feels like I'm wading through treacle when we have them and so it's often not worth it to me. It's probably why it gets to me so much, I don't just casually bring up issues daily, I only address stuff that really bothers me. So it's frustrating to never get anywhere when I do.

That's it. Eventually you won't bother to speak.

No : cheesesndcrackers is saying your dh is attacking back and having a meta conversation about styles because he is weak.

@Aria2015 Yeah, not you but him. You're trying to express your problems and he's moving the conversation in another direction by raising his own and dismissing yours. You are trying to deal with the issue at hand but your being diverted with the sole intention of not dealing your issue. The point of is they don't give two fucks, to avoid blame and mentally wear you down by going in circles so you give up and eventually you won't even air your concerns in future.

Like some do it to a degree without realizing but it's also an abusive tactic and it really does wear you down.

Also sometimes it happens when you're not raising issues but for things they don't want to do. I had this thing going where people we due to come over or visit, even people they had invited and we would need to tidy up beforehand or get stuff ready.

Used to spur up their own issues while trying to get sorted and would try and discuss them but would just keep moving the conversation around in circles and would last several hours. So instead of getting sorted, nothing was done and I would be rushing around minutes before people arrived while they did nothing, only to then taken all the credit and not have those issues after people left like it never happened.

Thanks for clarifying. That makes sense 😊.

Run girl.

I've been here myself and it took me 4 years to realise how gaslighting and manipulating this is.

People who don't want to be held accountable for their actions are toxic and you're much better off without, major red flag 🚩

Also, just to say.

I used to ask if it bothered you at the time why didn’t you say anything and my response would be “if I can keep quiet about things that bother me why can’t you” made to feel like I was in the wrong for trying to communicate my feelings.

Ah the martyr thing! Yes, this too! What if one’s model for a happily married life isn’t based in silent suffering? These guys are not problem solvers—they are seethers. And they are fine with their wives having no needs or submerging their needs. Why live like that?

Exactly.

They are boys, not men.

@Kj92 when I've asked why he didn't bring up issues before he's said similar, stuff like 'I was going to let it slide because I don't like to get on at you' - implying that I don't let things slide and I get on at him (not true!).

I think his upbringing has a lot to do with how he is. His parents were emotionally neglectful and never dealt with things openly (just punished through silent treatment).

That’s what I used to get. It’s because of my upbringing this and that, you’re capable as an adult of changing your views on things regardless of how you’re brought up. I was brought up in a very hostile and argumentative environment, it doesn’t mean I’m the same. Honestly it’s extremely manipulative behaviour and it’s not okay.

If that was the case he wouldn't bring it up at all. No, what it actually is he saves up grudges in order to throw at you when he needs them.

It may well be childhood I think was same in my situation and I thought that all along. However, I've recently found out that everything I was told was a lie by multiple sources and they were always the same even as a child.

Regardless though it doesn't make it right. If he suffered it he should know the impact it has, I don't buy it myself.