Silent treatment from parent and I feel terrible for my children

[Lotsofworries]

My mum has given me the silent treatment reasonably regularly throughout my life, mostly when I say I'm unhappy about something she has done, or disagree with how she has handled something, or ask for what I want really.

Recently I expressed that I was unhappy with a decision she had made regarding my DC, and she's now not speaking to me.

I've had enough of her behaviour this time frankly, and won't be reaching out or acknowledging her silent treatment this time. The thing is, I feel so bad for my DC. They absolutely love her and my Dad, and in many ways they are lovely grandparents. I'm so sad that my DC are caught up in this, and being negatively affected. She hasn't spoken to me or them or seen us for nearly 2 weeks.

After some therapy in the last couple of years, I realised how sad I am that I have no relationship at all with any extended family members. She systematically fell out with literally everyone over the course of my childhood. I really resent her for the fact that I don't have grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins etc that I was ever close with.

I worry now that I am doing the same thing to my DC - falling out with someone they love and unfairly depriving them of a relationship.

My husband would certainly take the DC round to visit them without me. I don't have a feel for how that would go or if it would be awkward. I'm really not keen for them to look after the DC unsupervised again for some reason.

My mum is exactly the same she regularly makes up arguments to stop talking to me. Its very odd. Havent spoken to her since December as she left my kids Xmas presents on the bus then blamed me for it. Its draining. My kids aren't bothered though as they arent very close to her.

In really sorry you've experienced this too. I'm glad it's not too hard on your DC though.

You say in some ways she's a lovely grandparent but she hasn't bothered to see her grandchildren for 3 weeks. Doesn't sound that great to me. My mum used to pull all this shit with my sister (even took all the pictures of her off the wall and wouldnt even acknowledge she existed) she didn't see her firdt grandson for about 2 years following that all off the back of one innocent comment my sister made that my mum took the wrong way. With me she knows I would tell her what for and not stand for any of that shit. I took it in childhood until I snapped back one time and told her she's shouldn't have had us then. Please remember none of this is on you. Just make sure your children know how much you love them and leave your mother to it. You're dad also needs to stand up to her if he wants to see his grandchildren.

Wow this is so shitty of your mum. This isn't your fault at all, your mum has chosen to do this. If you disagree on something, it'd be mature to discuss it instead of giving you the silent treatment. Are your kids asking for her?

This sounds like really childish behaviour of your mother, and very unsettling for everyone. It seems like it's a strange coping mechanism though.

Giving someone the silent treatment to punish them is abusive.

That it comes from a parent instead of a friend or partner does not make any difference.

It is a childish, petty and hurtful way of dealing with things. It also sounds like your mother has a pattern of creating drama if people don't do as she says.

As others have pointed she is also choosing to cut herself off from her grandkids to play silly games which does not make her a good grand-parent either.

I would simply call her bluff and leave her to it. Don't make contact and carry on with your life and focusing on your own family.

It sounds like the rest of your family refused to put up with her nonsense and severed the relationship a long time ago. Something you might need to consider if she only brings negativity in your life and has no will to ever change her behaviour.

I had a supposedly good friend pull on me (the silent treatment) last year because I did not do what she asked. I let the friendship go.

My mother also used the silent treatment as part of a pattern of abusive behaviour when I was a child and continued to do so as an adult. Because we now live in different countries she started putting the phone down on me any time she did not like me disagreeing with her. We already had an almost inexistent relationship. In the end I cut all contact with her. Life is too short for constant drama and toxicity.

Silent treatment aka stonewalling is a form of abuse.Would you allow for you children to be abused? Children grow and start having opinion, she will give them the same treatment.Are you ok with it?

@Treacletreacle That's awful for you and your sister. I'm glad you've managed to stand up to your mum. I have stood up to mine on many occasions and each time it has only made a superficial difference.

@mymeatballsmymeatballs Yes and no, they haven't directly asked for her but have mentioned it a few times. It's not massively unusual for us not to seem them for a week, though - pre pandemic, we went through a huge amount of turbulence after I started to set boundaries around things like her undermining me with my DC and I really cut back on the amount we see them (pre pandemic they would have been round multiple times per week)

The thing playing on my mind is...what if she never backs down, as per @Treacletreacle 's mum? I've always been the one to reach out first, either in a panic or out of guilt or by calling it out knowing it will start an argument that will clear the air. I just don't want to give her that attention this time though, I'm fed up of her repeatedly doing this.

What if she never sees my DC again? They would be so sad.

Is there any chance that you can begin a relationship with extended family now? I'm sorry that you are experiencing this from your mum and glad that you are working on strong boundaries.

It would be so sad if they never saw her again. And for you too. But she's doing this. She's caused this situation. You haven't done anything wrong and by giving in, you're telling her that it's okay to treat you like this and she'll just continue to do it. Your kids will think it's okay too cause they'll notice her behaviour as they get older.

Where is your dad, your children's grandad in all this? Why aren't you and they seeing him? Why isn't he seeing you?

What if she never sees my DC again? They would be so sad.

You would be doing them a favour. Eventually the abuse she gave you will pass to them. Protect both yourself and your children and put an end to this absolutely toxic relationship.

Why do you always reach out? Because it's your mum? Would you keep reaching out if it was a friend. My sister and I have always had a hard time on mothers day. Looking at cards with all the words about them being so wonderful and our best friend. We would joke in the card shop reading the words and say nope none of those apply. It's hard when you see how wonderful other people's mums are. But actually even from reading on here I've found comfort from this site that actually many of us don't.
What I find works for me now Is realising I can't change how she behaves only how I react. I focus on my kids and make sure they are happy and feel loved.

Do you know @Greenwitchhorse , I have never considered that the rest of my family could have consciously severed ties with her. The narrative from my mum was always that they had done something wrong to my mum which caused her to give them the silent treatment and therefore the relationship ended because she wanted it to. I can't believe that I have never considered the other perspective, that they cut HER off because they were fed up with her!

You are spot on when you say she "has a pattern of creating drama if people don't do as she says". She will also create this drama if she feels she has been criticized or judged in any way (ironic because she is the most critical and judgemental person I know).

@FrenchBoule no I'm not ok with it. You're quite right - I'm shocked by my realisation that she might start treating my DC the way she has treated me all my life...I can already see her starting to criticise and judge my DC as they get older (not directly to them, I don't think. But in the form of comments about them to me). When they were babies / toddlers they could do no wrong.

You're not doing the same as your mum. Your mum is the constant factor in this. She's the one with a high body count of failed relationships behind her. If she wants to add her grandchildren to that let her.

You must stand up for your children though. You need to tell her that if she's not prepared to be a safe and constant presence in their life, then you can't allow her to be in their life. It will be confusing and hurtful to your children if she has periods were she steps out of their lives. What if they internalise that rejection and start thinking it's something they did? Or something wrong with them?

Tbh the fact she's prepared to stop seeing her grandkids for weeks to punish you, would be enough for me to tell her where to go. Dress it up however you like, that's not the hallmark of a good grandparent.

"I've had enough of her behaviour this time frankly, and won't be reaching out or acknowledging her silent treatment this time. The thing is, I feel so bad for my DC".

Your job here is to protect your children from such malign influences. Deal with your feeling of fear, obligation and guilt through further therapy. Model the approach you would like them to adopt and if you feel doubts fgs do not show it.

Your children need emotionally healthy grandparents as role models, and your mother in particular does not fit the bill at all. Quite apart from the silent treatment aka emotional abuse she has shown throughout her life towards you she has fallen out with various family members over the years. Your mother has more red flags about her than are present at a major Communist Party rally. Would they really be sad if they did not see her again or equally is that you projecting onto them?. Its more likely the latter. Your dad in turn is her enabler; he has turned a blind eye to this abuse of you his daughter and has failed to protect you from the excesses of his wife's behaviour. He is a weak bystander of a man and so he cannot be relied upon either.

Disordered of thinking people like your mother cannot do relationships at all. In addition they never apologise nor do they accept any responsibility for their actions. I presume you only allowed your kids to have a relationship with her at all because you were hoping against your own experience that she would behave better this time around. And inevitably it has not happened. She will do similar harm to your kids as what has been done to you if you continue to have contact. Would you have tolerated this from a friend, no. Your mother and father are no different.

Do read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward and have a read of and post on the current "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages.

"The narrative from my mum was always that they had done something wrong to my mum which caused her to give them the silent treatment and therefore the relationship ended because she wanted it to. I can't believe that I have never considered the other perspective, that they cut HER off because they were fed up with her!"

Abusers always blame others rather than their own selves; in their head its always someone else's fault and never their own. Such people like your mother truly never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

BTW what if anything do you know about her childhood, that often gives clues. I have no doubts it was abusive.

I was going to post a long personal message - basically my mum is the same - and is only in contact again now that I have cancer. But it’s very superficial contact, and really just so others see she’s ‘made up with me’

The sooner you can get rid of your guilt about your mum the better it will be for you and your kids.
Blood relatives don’t have to be the only Grandparent figures.

You be the adult and you mature and find a way of keeping her in her box and not upsetting you.

Children grow up quickly, and it’s much more important they have a good strong relationship with you (for the teenage years) than with your mother. She won’t be much use, anyway.

Read some self help books, go online - understand her and understand yourself and change the pattern for your children.

i'd be willing to bet my money that she will start talking to you after some time and act like nothing has happened - then go silent again if you call her out

i dont believe for a second she was the one to cut ties with everyone else, including presumably her own parents. People probably got fed up with her behaviour and stopped talking to her as the result

if you back down, she will just keep doing the same thing - and it will affect your children in a very negative way because at some point they will disagree with her too

Being on the receiving end of the silent treatment is so damaging (my step-dad did this to me and my siblings as children, the longest being 4 months), so I'd personally try and reframe this as an opportunity to escape from the cycle of abuse.

Yes, it's sad. It's sad that your mother is so warped and bitter that she feels justified in emotionally abusing people she's supposed to love. It's also sad that you're conditioned to pander to her whims out of fear, obligation and guilt. Eventually your dc will notice the dynamic between you and possibly learn unhealthy behaviours in their own close relationships. Being treated terribly and repeatedly putting yourself in the situation to be abused again is not something you want them to reproduce in their own relationships.

I acknowledge that it isn't easy to break free and implement healthy boundaries with parents like this. I'm NC with my step-dad and low contact with my DM, and I'm much happier for it. The initial pain, guilt, and grief is almost overwheling, but eventually subsides.

Are you able to reach out to the other family members? Maybe just one at a time? A Grandparent or an Auntie.
My mil has ignored us on and off for years. Didn’t see our ds for days after he was born (was outside the hospital for dd) because we hadn’t told her I’d gone into hospital- for reason above!
It hasn’t really changed for many years now and the consequence is that my dc don’t really give a shit about them! My dc have been shown that they are second best, in a very obvious manner, so they’ve learnt to give up.
Don’t force the relationship if your Mum is prone to going silent because I think it is really unhealthy for you and your dc. The dc don’t need to see you stressing over it and worrying about it.

Silent treatment is a form of abuse, she will treat your children the same when they are old enough to push back against her for any reason. I would not be sad about cutting an emotionally abusive family member out of their life.

You are the parent. You get to make these decisions without apology or excessive justification. You can assure your child that you are making a wise and loving decision for them as well as yourself. I am not going to script what you should say because you are the only one who knows your children, but you must convey that this isn't up for negotiation. This is not a decision that the child gets to make. Yes, children usually love their grandparents. Children are often quite indiscriminate in their love which is why they need parents to guide them. Not every person is safe to have around and this is a good time to teach that important life lesson. The more matter-of-fact you are, the more matter-of-fact your children will be. When we act hysterical, they will usually reflect our hysteria. If you act anxious, they will act anxious. If you appear unsure, they will push. Model the reaction and attitude you want your children to adopt.

If you have another set of grandparents in the picture then focus on them. It is rare that both sets of grandparents are nasty. Emphasize to your children how much we enjoy being around grandma and grandpa so-and-so (the decent and loving grandparents). Cultivate your children's relationship with the decent, loving grandparents. Teach your children to be grateful for the decent, loving grandparents. Gratitude is a highly effective antidote to loss. Focus them on what they have, not what they don't have. Model that attitude of gratitude.

You will find that the children will eventually stop mentioning the loss of the nasty grandparent if you are not bringing it up. If you are talking about your parents in the hearing of your children then you are inviting them to keep talking about it, too. I can not over-emphasize the need for your explanation to a younger child to be calm, pragmatic, measured and short. Long explanations make you look defensive which will tend to peak the interest of the child and prompt him to push the issue. You can gauge what is appropriate information depending on the age of the child. If the child is older and has experienced or witnessed the grandparent's nastiness in action then you can say more.

Young children are not known for their long attention spans. This works in your favor. With younger children you have the advantage of distraction. It is easy enough to get the child's mind off onto another track. Every parent has done the distraction routine at one time or another. "Mum, I want to see NastyGram today!" "Honey, we aren't going to see NastyGram today because we get to go to the park and eat ice cream." (Make up fun time on the spot if necessary for this distraction.) "Yay!!" says the kid and off we go. Subject changed, kid distracted. In time, NastyGram will fade from memory. Any bonding that may have occurred will dissipate in the process of time.

Remember, you are the parent. You're older and therefore more experienced which is the point of being the parent. The child is dependent on your good sense and protective wisdom. You're smarter than your child; use that to your advantage (such as using the distraction method). You are the final authority. This is not a negotiable issue. The child doesn't get to decide on this one because they lack the understanding, wisdom, experience and good sense that, hopefully, you have. So don't look like you're unsure or open to quibble. You'll undermine yourself if you look anything but firm and resolved on it. Use your advantages as parent to smooth the effects of the cut-off. Over time this will all quiet down. Kids tend to accept what is. It will happen more quickly if you follow the above advice.

Thank you so much to every single one of you who has posted - such a lot I hadn't considered and different perspectives that I am finding very helpful. I really, really appreciate the support - please keep it coming, it's really helping me figure out how to deal with this.

@RedRosesPinkLilies I'm so sorry you are ill. It's awful that you are dealing with that and with a horrible mother at the same time. You have an excellent point about the teenage years, I get a sick feeling of panic when I imagine how mum might behave when they are teenagers. She is extremely permissive and likes to undermine me, for instance she has form for getting my then-4 year old to lie to me about sweetie consumption and some other things (small beer I know, it feels so trivial when written out!) but I have horrible visions of her doing the same to my DC in their teen years, only obviously for much more serious matters. In her childhood she escaped her mother by spending the whole of her weekends with her grandmother...I have always had fears that she would try to do the same with my DC (ie "don't worry about that mean nasty mummy of yours, come and stay with me and I'll let you do X".

@Aria2015 that's such a good point I hadn't considered so far. What if my DC do start to internalise the rejection? That makes me heart hurt. Your comment about "safe and constant presence" also really resonates with me.

@AttilaTheMeerkat such a lot of things to consider in your posts, thank you so much. As a initial reply, yes, I speculate that she was the scapegoat in triangulation with her mother and her golden child youngest brother. I have done a little reading on narcissistic mothers and think my grandmother fits that bill pretty well. My dad told me once that my grandmother had an extremely sharp tongue and would constantly criticise my mum.

@saraclara my dad teams up with my mum in situations like this and then it's the two of them against me. He wouldn't cross the picket line alone; he doesn't do anything on his own without my mum, in fact. They are codependent I guess? He also has his own form for giving me the silent treatment when he's upset with me.

@AttilaTheMeerkat your posts are really helpful in terms of me recognising that I am feeling FOG - didn't really understand that term before but now of course it's obvious that my feelings about this are being driven by that. Also your post about dealing my DC and how to guide them was like a very welcome gut punch. You are entirely right. I need to step up and be the emotionally mature, calm pilot here.

And all of these posts are helping me feel much more empowered. You're all right - I'M the parent, I'M the senior leader in my own house and with my own children, it won't be MY fault that she ruins her relationship with her grandchildren. She has chosen this. I knew that rationally before of course, but after reading all of your posts I feel much more robust about it.

I don't want her behaviour to continue to bear fruit for her, so I am going to be strong about this and call her bluff, and take all of your advice on how to cushion and support my DC through it all. I love them so much and realise now that I have been short-termist in my worries.