Silent treatment from parent and I feel terrible for my children

[Lotsofworries]

My mum has given me the silent treatment reasonably regularly throughout my life, mostly when I say I'm unhappy about something she has done, or disagree with how she has handled something, or ask for what I want really.

Recently I expressed that I was unhappy with a decision she had made regarding my DC, and she's now not speaking to me.

I've had enough of her behaviour this time frankly, and won't be reaching out or acknowledging her silent treatment this time. The thing is, I feel so bad for my DC. They absolutely love her and my Dad, and in many ways they are lovely grandparents. I'm so sad that my DC are caught up in this, and being negatively affected. She hasn't spoken to me or them or seen us for nearly 2 weeks.

After some therapy in the last couple of years, I realised how sad I am that I have no relationship at all with any extended family members. She systematically fell out with literally everyone over the course of my childhood. I really resent her for the fact that I don't have grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins etc that I was ever close with.

I worry now that I am doing the same thing to my DC - falling out with someone they love and unfairly depriving them of a relationship.

My husband would certainly take the DC round to visit them without me. I don't have a feel for how that would go or if it would be awkward. I'm really not keen for them to look after the DC unsupervised again for some reason.

Think you’ve received good advice here OP. I know you feel bad for your kids, but it’s important you protect them from her doing it to them. Don’t chase after her and don’t let her come back pretending nothing is wrong when she’s got over her hissy fit.

My mum can also be similar - I remember being a young child and her ignoring me if I annoyed her or misbehaved, it used to feel awful and I would cry and say sorry over and over. It’s an awful thing to do to anyone let alone your child!

My Mum is also very passive aggressive and like yours does it if she feels judged in any way or doesn’t like/agree with what is being said. She will say one thing to someone’s face and be nasty behind their back. She will never be straight up about issues and just ignore or drop heavy hints she’s annoyed. Tbh it gave me anxiety issues as a young adult as I didn’t feel I could trust what people said!

When I was about 17/18 I started calling her out on it and she now views me as ‘aggressive’ 🤣 I just don’t rise to it these days and she’s a lot better!

My friend's parents cut off the rest of the family, she had no other family in her life. As an only child she felt quite alone. When her parents died, she advised the aunts and uncles she could find contact details for. Now she is in contact with several cousins, and making up for lost time.
Perhaps you could contact the rest of your family so you aren't so reliant on your parents as the only family?

How awful for you and others with parents like this.
I definitely echo others that it'd be good if you can contact other family members that are estranged.
Your DC really are better off without her or your df if he's doing the same.

Do they have grandparents in your oh side?

I would consider contacting some of the close relatives that you mum cut off/who cut themselves off from your mum.

I realise that doing so might lead to repercussions from your mum, but you deserve to have family.

Getting in touch with some photos of your DCs, and saying that having your own family has brought home what family means, and that you'd like to reconnect if they feel able to do so, might gain a positive response.

You need to not put your kids through a similar upbringing to your own with all the drama and falling outs. My mother (now deceased) was like this, it took me until I was in my 40's and my DC early teens that it was all wrong and I'd been brainwashed into thinking this was normal. I couldn't cut her out entirely but I did become a lot less available and start a policy of thinking what would she have done and doing the opposite. It worked for my DC, our relationship improved immensely. With my extended family who she'd fallen out with years before, I have reached out and they have been very welcoming. They're about 4 hours drive away so I don't see much of them, I want to speak to my aunt and find out more about where all this awful behaviour stems from, my brother is just the same as her. I speak to him as little as possible, and once my parents affairs are completely wound up, I don't intend to stay in touch with him.

“Is there any chance that you can begin a relationship with extended family now? I'm sorry that you are experiencing this from your mum and glad that you are working on strong boundaries.”

This. Start reaching out to the rest of your family.

Mine too I would step back and leave her to it she is not going to able to acknowledge anyone else’s feelings or opinion. I knew what the silent treatment was at the age of 11 took me until I was early thirties to realise it wasn’t my fault and there wasn’t anything wrong with me , had casted me problems with trusting other people though. I regularly got ignored for a few days at a time when growing up I used to buy her presents in the hope she would be pleased and start talking to me, never worked and I never even got a thank you. I don’t pander to it anymore she clearly doesn’t care about her only daughter and only grandchildren , we are now on month 16 of being ignored because I told her off for making dodgy comments about refuges (straight from the daily Mail, she prefers that to me!)

I think you could talk to your children about things like stonewalling and how awful it is. You have a really good example right in front of them how toxic it is in a relationship. It will help them spot it in future relationships and help them understand why you won't tolerate it.

It sounds like this will be good for the kids as it's a matter of time before they experience the silent treatment from her. The fact that they've seen you experience this abuse and go running back to her each time will be highly damaging to them as they will be learning that it's normal to appease abusive people. (Silent treatment is a form of abuse)
On the surface they may seem to love her but it sounds like the love is conditional on them being a certain way. How would she react if one of the kids weren't there because they wanted to see their friend or a boy/girlfriend instead that day? A very possible scenario for an older child that they shouldn't feel bad about. You don't want yhek made to feel guilty or face the silent treatment for going through something very normal.
I think that you should put out some feelers to extended family. It sounds very likely that they may be NC with your mother but open to a separate relationship with you.

My mother is like this, now on month 2 of her silent treatment. She's just picked DD 14 up to go out for the day and won't even knock on the door.

I just ignore her.

I've told her what I think of her, that she's manipulative and controlling and she doesn't like it.

I won't stop my DC, who are now old enough to make their own choices, from seeing her, but my eldest is definitely wary.

Your mum is a very damaged person, but she has chosen to make no effort to fix herself. She has damaged you too but it seems the scales are now falling from your eyes, and once this behaviour has been seen, it can't be unseen.

My "mother" favoured the silent treatment although she has many other abusive behaviours. Because she was covert about it, it was a complete head-fuck for me and others didn't see it.

She was awful to my children, critical about my parenting, and I believed all my life that I was the wrong one. My kids had nothing to do with her when they grew up & that was OK with me, I stayed in a relationship with her due to FOG.

Eventually she tipped me over the edge with a truly nasty comment designed to cut me to the core - she did this for years but eventually went too far and this time there was no forgive & forget.

So now, at over 50, I have been 2 years in therapy for lifelong emotional neglect and narcissistic abuse.
I feel HUGELY guilty that I couldn't see how abusive she was and inflicted her on my family for so long. If only I had got her out of our lives earlier.

This is a long winded way of saying these people accept no responsibility for the hurt they cause others, they will not change, and therefore you need to look after yourself and your family, with as much distance from her as you can possibly manage.

@BubblesWoo and @Shortbread49 , I want to gather the child versions of you up in my arms and tell you how sorry I am that someone that's meant to love you is ignoring you. It makes my heart hurt to think of you both crying and pleading and buying gifts to appease your mothers. I'm so sorry.

That goes for everyone on the thread with similar stories - my heart hurts for you all. I wish it had been different for all of us ❤

For everyone that suggested reaching out to remaining family, I will. I had some contact during the pandemic with a couple of cousins that now live abroad, but we all lost touch again as things returned to normal. I'm lucky in that I have a lovely family of in-laws comprising plenty of aunts and uncles and a horde of cousins and a grandmother for my DC and I protect and nurture those relationships like my life depends on it! I am determined never to fall out with any of them.

@Escapingafter50years "scales falling from my eyes" is exactly it, I've no idea why it happened when it did. I'm so sorry for all you've been through.

@lifeturnsonadime how do you feel about your teenage DC seeing your mother?

@Lotsofworries
definitely reach out to wider family - I did it when I could barely cope after being ignored by my family for about 18 months.

My family have hinted that they think my mum is strange. But they will not get involved at all and will not overtly support me. When I developed cancer one of them actually told me to make amends with my mother. Which still angers me.

So definitely make contact - because there’s something innate in us that needs family. But it’s very separate to your relationship with your mother, and don’t expect too much from your relatives. But it’s just nice seeing them, and will be good for your children - if they have a relationship with them.

Stay mature with your mother - don’t play games as she is doing.

Your mum is damaged, but that’s not your problem

My mum got in touch today to see if she could "pop round on her way home". A horrible chain of text messages ensued after I asked her to confirm whether she has indeed been giving me the silent treatment for the last couple of weeks, and if so, I'm not prepared to pretend like it didn't happen.

She hadn't been ignoring me, apparently - she was upset with me and "staying away" to "protect" herself. She wasn't sure if I wanted to see her, after I "had a go at her" about that decision of hers I was upset about.

Furthermore, she is upset that I don't get in touch more often and that I wasn't interested in a recent problem they had. I guess I should have been checking in daily to see if their problem had resolved itself? Other people brought flowers and offered up their home to help them apparently. Not me.

Oh and you know those estranged family members? What's my big problem that I can't keep in touch with them by myself?

This is DARVO, right?

Yes, she's denying, attacking and trying to reverse the victim and offender. Classic response of a narc. My "mother" tried the same. I cut her off in person and blocked her on the phone, but I wrote to her. Over 6 months I sent 4 letters.
This is from the last one "Sending me to Coventry for weeks on end, or lashing out with a horrific statement designed to hurt as deeply as possible, is not an appropriate way to deal with displeasure. I now know that I am better than this, I do not deserve to be treated this way, and I will not accept being treated this way. But if you gain an insight into yourself then there can be a way forward."

In every letter I included the phrase she had said to me which tipped me over the edge, where I finally realised I'd had enough. She didn't like that. Her 5th and final letter to me started with calling me a liar. She said "I don’t mean to punish you when I take so long to reply to your lectures. I can’t eat or sleep - no longer has one lecture come in reprimanding me like a child, when another comes."

So there she was denying her behaviour, attacking me by guilt tripping and reversing the victim and offender.

Unfortunately you can't do anything with someone like this. It takes 2 to work at a relationship. Your mother sees nothing wrong with her behaviour so she won't change it or even discuss the situation with a therapist. I suggested it but a flying monkey told me she said she wasn't crazy. As I said in my letters I was getting therapy, she is probably telling lots of people that I'm the crazy one. But the longer it is since I've seen her, the calmer I feel.

I regularly post this link on these threads as I've found it hugely validating, therapists Helen Villiers & Katie McKenna read a letter from a listener - the daughter of a narcissistic mother - and then they go right through the letter explaining the behaviours. I'd suggest you try listening to a couple https://podcasts.apple.com/ie/podcast/in-sight-exposing-narcissism/id1613030538

You may also find this article about the silent treatment helpful http://narcissisticandemotionalabuse.co.uk/the-sound-of-silence/

Your mums behaviour sounds so abusive OP. Are you prepared (without too much detail) or to say what kind of decision you challenged your mum on - was it something that undermined your parenting and was manipulative, or something else? Definitely DARVO behaviours, my mum is out of the picture now, but I wish I had challenged her on some of her awful manipulative behaviours.

Exactly: that's what my DH says until I point out it's her fault! Mine makes out I don't want her to see the children, I've never said this. They don't especially want to see her and I wouldn't make them...