Tell me your relationship boundaries

[Littlemisslonley]

Following my recent split from my dp who broke my trust boundaries 4 times I'm interested to know everyone's boundaries for their relationship . No judgment here. Boundaries for trust, other women, etc etc

Don’t behave in a way you would be embarrassed to see up on a big screen in front of people whose respect is important to you.

They have to be a nice human being.
And I don't mean in the fake shower 'everyone love me' way. I mean, genuine. Demonstrating empathy, warmth, compassion, and consideration for you and others.

Secondly, they have to be able to introspect. To consider how their behaviour affects other people -and care. To wish to adapt and grow over time to become better versions of themself. To be able to say sorry, admit mistakes.

Finally, they have to want to see you succeed and be happy. To want to support you. To be someone who by being with, you find yourself wanting to become the best version of you.

So basically, anything short if genuinely nice is a no. Anyone with no self insight is a no. And anyone who brings out the worst in you instead of the vest is a no.

Example of ideal personality: Kitt from heartstoppers. Of course, I doubt many people match that energy.

Sorry *nick
(kitt is the actors name)

This is brilliant and relevant to my situation actually my now exdp acted out as a nice person however couldn't do most of the above !! I'm going to take this on board

I think tbf it's a high standard. But it should be a high standard for someone you're going to spend lots of time with.

I think its important to make sure we strive to do those things to though.

But it's important that we get the same energy back. Otherwise its just like pouring...ourselves into a cup with a hole in it.

If you are triggered that makes you feel other than this, get rid of him.

Off the top of my head..

No drugs
No cheating

If I found out he was doing either it would be an instant non-negotiable dumping with no second chances. No matter how much I loved him. No matter if he tells me he won't do it again or it's over and he's sorry. Dumped. After getting a piece of my mind.

And then I'd go and have a good cry.

I'm too long in the tooth now to believe/hope/pray he'll change. No. No, he won't.

What do you define as cheating? Would you say talking to another women emotionally as cheating? Talking to a women he had previously slept with as cheating?

1. Partner has to be nice - a sense of humour based on ridicule of other people is a hard boundary for me. If someone makes fun of others for comedy value and to make themself look better then they are the worst kind of person.
2. Absolutely no cheating
3. No "big secrets" - this includes financial debts
4. Prioritising each other
5. I refuse to take on board arguments that attack my integrity as a person or gaslight me into believing I don't understand something. If I find that I'm not getting my point across, I will re-explain it and keep doing it until its understood and situation is clear and I expect the same.

These are the most obvious ones that came to my mind

Talking to another woman about things private to your relationship wouldn't be acceptable, but just because they had once slept together isn't a problem. I suppose it depends how they broke up, but many couples split because they realise they want different things or aren't compatible and stay friends without it being sexual.

It sounds like you're looking for reasons not to trust, though, and we all have our own boundaries. I am much less tolerant of alcohol than some, because my mother was an alcoholic, for example. I suspect he's doing something you don't like, but saying you should be fine with it? It sounds like your boundaries might already be being crossed, for you to ask the question.

Talking to women emotionally: not acceptable

Talking to Someone the had previously slept with: this wouldn’t bother me actually under the “would you be embarrassed if the content was made public” rule.

But actually it isn’t really about that- I don’t want to have to ‘negotiate’ behaviour with integrity from someone whose values just aren’t the same as mine. I am not going to tell someone how to behave, they have to know that themselves and need to actually have the same value system. If their value system is different you are going to be swimming upstream all the time.

I wouldn’t class either of those as cheating. It would depend on the tone/context of those chats though, and whether or not he’s trying to hide the fact he’s chatting to them, which would raise the question .. why hide the fact? Is he hiding it because he thinks/knows he’ll get earache even though it is genuinely innocent or is it because of something more. So his reaction to the question would tell me all I needed to know. Not his words. His reaction.

I also would bear in mind I might be projecting a previous partners infidelity onto a current partner and seeing demons where there aren’t any, or assuming the worst.

No guy is going to admit he’s cheating (emotional or otherwise) so I have to work with my own gut feelings and once the trust is gone, there is no point to the relationship. There lies the path of anxiety, arguments and resentment which will kill the relationship anyway.

It’s really difficult to describe where that line is because it's different for everyone. And that’s the boundary thing. It’s not what they are doing, it’s having the balls to say no, I won’t accept that, and walking away. It's not a boundary if you keep taking them back.

Avidmerrian has put it far better than I have:

“I don’t want to have to ‘negotiate’ behaviour with integrity from someone whose values just aren’t the same as mine. I am not going to tell someone how to behave, they have to know that themselves and need to actually have the same value system. If their value system is different you are going to be swimming upstream all the time.”

My husband and I are both bisexual so I find the concept of worry about the gender/sex of the other person my husband difficult to grasp.

My husband has a friend he slept with many years before we got together. They had a one night stand and remained friends. I don’t consider them still talking cheating.

Can you define talking emotionally for me? Do you mean about an issue in our relationship or a generally around his emotions? Because if about our relationship and not too personal and he’s trying get another perspective than that’s usually ok. I guess the line would be, would I do the same with someone else. It’s just whatever a mutually acceptable line is. My relationship is different from other peoples.

Angry men need not apply.
So many men feel they are entitled to be angry, aggressive, bad tempered and fucking rude.
The first sign of an angry man and he is GONE.

This astounds me...
It's actually 1 of my own hard boundaries, where the basic concept of communication is ignored. It's necessary to deal with behavioural adjustment, collaboration and compromise or a relationship simply isn't possible.

People aren't mind readers, they are flawed, and every couple will go through periods of adversity. The hard boundary for me is:

"Is this person capable of self reflection, giving and receiving appreciation/criticism, and mature and calm dispute resolution...?"

Because at some point, we WILL disagree on something and we will get upset with each other.

Ability to apologise and also to accept an apology and move on
Trust
Same basic values - honesty, integrity, behaviour matches his words
Broadly politically aligned
Generosity of pocket and of time
Act as a family team - financially, domestically, childcare

Emotional disclosing about our relationship or current issues with my ds
Or saying stuff to female friend such as "you look gorgeous darling" or sending love hearts and having female friend trying to facetime at 1am... that sort of stuff...

Getting defensive when pulled for something even tiny and not being able to talk after but then claiming communication is everything.

Shared values
Good communication
Having a 'holding' conversation if an argument isn't quickly resolved
honesty
integrity

And yes, actions speak far louder than words.

Suspect my boundaries with DH are a little different, we have and can sleep with others if we want to, but are always open about it, we're into BDSM (as my name suggests). However, all that only works if we're totally open and can communicate effectively.
Everything boils down to honesty and communication. As soon as trust is lost, you have a problem for sure.

Don't collude in the exploitation or potential exploitation of women.

Model good relationships for our children.

Be an adult human being capable of looking after himself and others.

Don't train the bloody cats to expect titbits from the cooking so they get under my bloody feet when I don't give them anything.

Don't talk to other women or message other women in a way that you wouldn't do in front of me.

No drugs

Be respectful and kind to others.

I always think it is unfair when so many women talk/moan about their husbands/partners to their mothers, sisters and friends but are then hugely indignant if their husband talks about the same stuff to his mother and friends. Posters want emotionally open partners but only it would appear if they are emotionally open with them.
I think my husband and I would probably fail lots of the necessary requirements, see above, but I live him dearly and trust him above anyone else. He is not perfect but then neither am I. In fact, I always think he is a better person than me.

It's interesting to notice for a lot if people the boundary is cheating.

You often see that even from women in abusive relationships posting here, that its only when he cheats they decide they want to leave.

There's a gazillion things as bad as cheating of course.

But unfortunately we are somewhat conditioned as women to tolerate a bunch of shite qnd it's as if for many of us, it's not until they cheat that it finally shakes us out of that spell somehow.

Usually if they cheat, not always, but usually, there were a lot of other things we should have left them for, long before then.

Temper of any kind. There are more mature, reasonable ways of dealing with issues.

You raise your voice, you're out.