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Original poster

I might need to leave him

34 replies

doubtit1 · 04/08/2023 20:49

Please be gentle, I feel desperately sad over this. I think I might need to leave my relationship and was hoping to get some advice.

I’m 27, DP is 30, we’ve been together for 8 years. Have lived together for almost 5 years and have a joint mortgage. No DC, just our dog who we both adore. Neither of us have very good family support, but I do have my sister.

There have always been issues, he has a short fuse and gets frustrated by things easily. In stressful situations he loses his rag and speaks to me horribly. He has ADHD and I’m fairly certain he has autism. It’s almost as if his ‘bucket’ is full and the stressful ‘thing’ dysregulates him.

He's terrible with money, he has no savings and has 1k of credit card debt. If he has money, he buys stupid stuff with it. It totally burns a hole in his pocket. We discussed finances today and I spoke about the importance of having savings. He said he doesn’t think having savings is important. He said ‘why would I have savings? Give me one good reason to have them?’ When I reeled off the obvious benefits to having an emergency fund saved up he scoffed and left the room.

The arguments and bad days are getting more and more frequent.

Today I realised I’ll never feel financially secure with him. Nor will I ever be able to have childred which is something we both want. I couldn't bring a child into a the relationship as it is at the moment. I don’t know what to do. We have the house and the dog and the car. I wouldn’t be able to take the dog on my own.

The thought of leaving him is so scary. My entire adult life has been spent with him and I don’t think I know how to function without him. I know I’ve listed all the negatives above but he’s a huge support to me, he’s a great partner in so many ways, I trust him 100% and I’m extremely comfortable in our relationship. The thought of starting again turns my stomach.

I love him, but don’t know if I like him.

What do I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
doubtit1 · 04/08/2023 20:53

I forgot to add that I went to a counsellor recently to get some support/advice and he told me he needs to see DP, not me. He was a lovely counsellor and didn't even charge me for the hour.

DP has been resistant to counselling for years, even through his MH struggles, but I've finally convinced him to see the counsellor on his own (I paid for it) and his first session is soon.

Should I wait to see if the counselling improves things?

OP posts:
1stepforward2stepsback · 04/08/2023 20:56

Ohhh I really feel for you.

You say that you want children, get out of this relationship before you waste all of your fertile years on him. His priorities will never match yours. It sounds like you’ll be financially better off without him too.

TheYear2000 · 04/08/2023 21:00

It sounds like you already know on some level you're not happy/secure.

My ex was like your partner and it drove me slightly nuts, his irresponsibility about money and other things (he was a high earner so it took a while to realise how bad it was).
We were in our 30s and our relationship couldn't take the pressure- our attitudes to money, health, everything were just too different.

You could give it a chance if you really want to but to me it sounds like you already know on some level the spark/hope/belief in the relationship is gone. You're still very young, you have your whole future ahead of you and you deserve a happy and less stressful partnership

Stratocumulus · 04/08/2023 21:04

Maybe the counselling will help him so if you feel you can wait and see, why not do so? However, why not also set a deadline and tell yourself if there is no improvement in (say) a year, you’ll move on.
In that year research your possibilities for a future and first steps without him.

It’s not looking hopeful but at least you can look back and be satisfied you’ve done all you can.

Littlemisslonley · 04/08/2023 21:08

I'd wait for his counselling but give yourself a time frame if no improvement is made then your out
Then you've done all you can

Original poster
doubtit1 · 04/08/2023 21:15

The OP is really one sided so to add some balance...
he doesn't drink, smoke. do drugs or gamble. He certainly doesn't hurt me or belittle me or pressure me into things.

As above I trust him 100% and I'd eat my hat if he ever cheated.

He's extremely concerned about my happiness, well-being and safety. He'd do anything for me.

He'd support me in any endeavour. 3 years ago I decided to go back to uni to retrain. This was a huge strain for us in terms of time and money but he supported and encouraged me from the get go, no questions asked.

He's got a small but lovely group of friends who he's known since school which I think is a green flag.

No, he isn't great with money, but he also isn't interested in money, or really work for that matter. He doesn't value money. He's all about life outside of work and family time which is a great thing. He grew up in a house with parents who prioritised work over everything else and they barely knew him growing up, this effects him even now and he swears to not be like them. While I've been at uni he's offered so many times to pay more than his fair share to make things easier for me. He simply doesn't care about money. It's a blessing and a curse.

He's fabulous with babies and children, he'd be the absolute best dad. He's also the best dog dad ever. He has so much love and patience for our pup. It's been a real challenge, but he's so dedicated to him and his training. He does the vast majority of dog training/care and I can't fault him for this.

OP posts:
Original poster
doubtit1 · 04/08/2023 21:18

Thank you all for the balanced responses. I think a mental deadline is the right choice.

The thought of leaving feels wrong at the moment. Although i've only ever broken up with short term teenage boyfriends in the past and don't really know if leaving someone ever feels 'right'?

I'm really hoping the counselling helps him.

OP posts:
Ami1234 · 04/08/2023 21:24

I don’t see what your problem is? He seems like a great guy. Only ‘problem’ is money and his attitude towards it and even then I think it’s quite nice it’s not his priority.

Zanatdy · 04/08/2023 21:40

The green flags outweigh the red one. Some people just aren’t great at saving. Sit down and have a proper chat about it, say it’s because you want a child one day, so need a rainy day fund. With COL crisis and mortgage rates it’s essential to have some savings these days. He might need some guidance. I wouldn’t throw it all away if otherwise he’s a great guy. We all have our vices, and his could be a lot worse

Original poster
doubtit1 · 04/08/2023 21:47

@Ami1234

Like I say, the bad days are becoming more frequent than the good. The arguments and bickering and moaning is tiresome.

I feel I can never say or do the right thing.

He speaks to me horribly, he gets extremely frustrated and flies off the handle.

We saw his mother recently who heard how he was being and said 'I'm sorry but as your mother I can't sit here and not say something. Why are you speaking to her like that? You're being nasty, there's no need for it.' Which was extremely embarrassing.

He did it the other day when we were out with friends with the dogs. I did a bit of dog training wrong and he got annoyed and started moaning at me I have to whisper 'please stop speaking to me like that, you're embarrassing me' it's small things like that, but all the time.

Last night I started a list of things I've done 'wrong' that he's had something to say about, there's 8 things on it already. I feel constantly attacked and moaned out. It drains the life out of me.

Examples from the list are:

The food clip I used on the cereal bag had pinged off and he moaned that the cereal will go stale. I didn't know it had pinged off as it was in the box.

My phone automatically connected to the cars bluetooth and I didn't know how to change the settings to stop this happening.

The car parking machine didn't take cash anymore and required an app to pay. My phone didn't have signal so I couldn't download the app. He had a major meltdown about this and acted like it was all my fault. Completely ruined our day out, made me feel anxious and I cried.

I just feel constantly stressed and like everything I do is wrong. It's making me feel anxious.

OP posts:
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 04/08/2023 21:50

Bin. You are very young and can do a lot better. He sounds like more of a child than a boyfriend.

JibbaJab · 04/08/2023 21:52

I may be similar to him in ways, I've had it suggested by a specialist to find out whether I am autistic as my children are but it takes a long time for a referral.

I don't drink, do drugs or gamble either and I'm introverted, quiet and just content in general. Similarly I grew up in a workaholic childhood and although I understand the need for work and money, I'm not really interested in it in the way others are and can't quite understand how people go about living...it's hard to explain but feel like I'm born in the wrong time or something.

What I do prioritize is people, especially my partners and like to experience things rather than material and I would do anything for anyone, which generally ends up being taken advantage of. I don't like people being sad or upset, especially my partner as they are generally the one and only person I trust and will do whatever I can to make things right.

Any of that kind of familiar?

If so, the issue for me at least at times it's hard to remember that other people don't think the same as me and I can get lost in it. It's not that I don't want to do things differently, it just doesn't cross my mind because I have all manner of other things, that aren't on others minds racing and I can get fixated.

I always wanted children but it also scared me at the same time and I was anxious all the way up until they were born. I actually ended up raising mine it came naturally, just like I am with animals. Not quite the same obviously but you get my drift. Sometimes you want things but a part is holding you back, I needed a push.

I would say if you can communicate, explain how you feel and what you do appreciate but make him see that it's too much of one thing and not enough of something else. Explain you would like children and that's what you want in your future and a part of that is going to be you need money for them too.

If it's likely he's autistic and he happens to have a skill, he could harness that just like I did and made a career out of it. I work when I want to in my own time at my own pace, I got out of the grind I hated so much.

Hope that helps in some way!

category12 · 04/08/2023 21:55

He's not that supportive or concerned with your happiness, if he'll turn on you and tear you down at any given moment. 😕

catsnhats11 · 04/08/2023 21:56

He can't be that bad with money of you managed to get a mortgage/ house together? It sounds like you could work through this if you want stay with him.

JibbaJab · 04/08/2023 21:57

Oh, just seen your lastest post...hmm, not sure. I personally don't talk or treat anyone that way...

That's coming across more like an arsehole than autism, I would say.

Persipan · 04/08/2023 22:03

We saw his mother recently who heard how he was being and said 'I'm sorry but as your mother I can't sit here and not say something. Why are you speaking to her like that? You're being nasty, there's no need for it.' Which was extremely embarrassing.

Not that I want to tell you how to feel, but from the outside I don't think you have any need to feel embarrassed about that. You've described lots of incidents of him being nasty to you and there is indeed no need for it. Good on his mother for calling him out on it.

INeedAnotherName · 04/08/2023 22:07

as your mother I can't sit here and not say something. Why are you speaking to her like that? You're being nasty, there's no need for it.'

So he can't even control his nastiness in front of witnesses? That's a bad sign. He's not a good man.

TheProvincialLady · 04/08/2023 22:10

He categorically would NOT make a good father. He would make an emotionally abusive father. Sorry but he won’t change. No one needs counselling to know that you don’t treat someone the way he treats you. You’re right to plan to leave.

HerAvatar · 04/08/2023 22:11

How did he respond when his mother called him out OP?

Original poster
doubtit1 · 04/08/2023 22:12

@JibbaJab thank you for sharing that, it's a really good insight!

OP posts:
Original poster
doubtit1 · 04/08/2023 22:16

catsnhats11 · 04/08/2023 21:56

He can't be that bad with money of you managed to get a mortgage/ house together? It sounds like you could work through this if you want stay with him.

It was my deposit. I saved £14k, he saved £2k.

Sounds mad but I don't regret it. The house has increased in value by over £100k in 4.5 years. Good timing.

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TomatoSandwiches · 04/08/2023 22:18

Some people with ADHD get worse and more overwhelmed with each additional life stressor or addition to their daily life, it's often why you see mothers of multiple young children be diagnosed in their 30s & 40s because they have taken on too much.
He wouldn't make a good dad, he is already verbally abusive to you, he will just get worse as he gets older, please don't inflict him on a poor child.

Pashazade · 04/08/2023 22:22

As a thought does he ever talk to anyone else in the way he talks to you when he's being nasty. Because if he doesn't then it shows he can control this behaviour, which is a big red flag with how he actually regards you.

Original poster
doubtit1 · 04/08/2023 22:32

Pashazade · 04/08/2023 22:22

As a thought does he ever talk to anyone else in the way he talks to you when he's being nasty. Because if he doesn't then it shows he can control this behaviour, which is a big red flag with how he actually regards you.

Not quite the same but he doesn't have the same kind of professionalism I would have at work, for example.

He calls out people in situations where i'd just crack in with it. If he feels disgruntled with his managers, he tells them so.

He was once put in a situation at work with a young person that wasn't his fault. It shouldn't have happened, his workplace were at fault and it left both the young person and him vulnerable. He was enraged by this. He had a meeting with his manager about it and the manager didn't support him. He walked out of the meeting and never went back to that job.

I agree what happened was wrong, but there are appropriate channels! He's very impulsive like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
doubtit1 · 04/08/2023 22:33

That was years ago, he would have been about 21 and we didn't have any responsibilities then. I don't think he'd do that now.

OP posts: