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Original poster

I might need to leave him

34 replies

doubtit1 · 04/08/2023 20:49

Please be gentle, I feel desperately sad over this. I think I might need to leave my relationship and was hoping to get some advice.

I’m 27, DP is 30, we’ve been together for 8 years. Have lived together for almost 5 years and have a joint mortgage. No DC, just our dog who we both adore. Neither of us have very good family support, but I do have my sister.

There have always been issues, he has a short fuse and gets frustrated by things easily. In stressful situations he loses his rag and speaks to me horribly. He has ADHD and I’m fairly certain he has autism. It’s almost as if his ‘bucket’ is full and the stressful ‘thing’ dysregulates him.

He's terrible with money, he has no savings and has 1k of credit card debt. If he has money, he buys stupid stuff with it. It totally burns a hole in his pocket. We discussed finances today and I spoke about the importance of having savings. He said he doesn’t think having savings is important. He said ‘why would I have savings? Give me one good reason to have them?’ When I reeled off the obvious benefits to having an emergency fund saved up he scoffed and left the room.

The arguments and bad days are getting more and more frequent.

Today I realised I’ll never feel financially secure with him. Nor will I ever be able to have childred which is something we both want. I couldn't bring a child into a the relationship as it is at the moment. I don’t know what to do. We have the house and the dog and the car. I wouldn’t be able to take the dog on my own.

The thought of leaving him is so scary. My entire adult life has been spent with him and I don’t think I know how to function without him. I know I’ve listed all the negatives above but he’s a huge support to me, he’s a great partner in so many ways, I trust him 100% and I’m extremely comfortable in our relationship. The thought of starting again turns my stomach.

I love him, but don’t know if I like him.

What do I do?

OP posts:
JibbaJab · 04/08/2023 22:33

@doubtit1 No worries. I mean I may not be but apparently chances are high as I have two with.

I know some can be more blunt and come across aggressive at times, especially if worked up which is true for one of mine but it's not constantly just when overloaded. I may just be really placid and laid back in general, I dunno.

Nn9011 · 04/08/2023 22:37

I have ADHD and whilst I can sympathize with the struggling with money there are things you can do to help - for example I put money into savings which I can't easily access or with a different bank than my main account so I don't see it every time I'm checking my balance, the lack of object permanence helps me forget it's there and let's it build up.
However it takes effort to do that and he needs to want to do it.
ADHD is an exhausting condition/mindset however as a partner you should still want to work with your partner to achieve the life you want. His attitude towards savings is not a direct result of his ADHD.
You also shouldn't have to put up with how his actions make you feel.
Honestly, even being able to see how some of it might be stemming from the ADHD, I would absolutely not have children with a man like this.

Original poster
doubtit1 · 04/08/2023 22:49

Re children, I know.
That's why I've posted this thread. Typing it all out is one of the first things I've done outside of mulling it all over in my head.

What will I do about my dog? He's my baby. I love him to death and can't leave him but I also can't look after him full time on my own.

Also, I can't imagine meeting someone else. Surely all the good, nice, normal men are taken?

Online dating wasn't really a thing in 2015. How do you know? You could end up getting into a relationship with anyone and it not work out! And you've wasted more years!?

My thoughts are so jumbled. This is such a horrible feeling. I don't know what to do. If I could just tweak his personality a bit everything would be fine.

OP posts:
Pontiouspilate · 04/08/2023 22:50

You leave. I left a 20 year relationship with children - you have none of that baggage. Do it

Pontiouspilate · 04/08/2023 22:53

He speaks to me horribly, he gets extremely frustrated and flies off the handle

seriously stop with all the example and justifying. You don’t love him

Butterfly44 · 04/08/2023 23:21

Sometimes a relationship just runs it's course, and your feelings towards that person change and you are where you are. And because they are not all bad and have so many good qualities it's a much harder decision and you question yourself. You think about the past, all the great memories, you think about them in future and feel like an awful person as you imagine they'd be lonely and not able to find someone else as easily. Also, you are so comfortable with your routine...life isn't so bad right.
But you don't feel the same about them. You don't like how they behave, how they do certain things, the future doesn't look how you want it to be, nothing they say can change your current feeling. You're staying because leaving is hard and the unknown is scary. This is natural.
Let the counselling happen and then talk. Talk about leaving, talk about staying, talk about what you want for your future. Then decide. You are young enough to start again. Nothing good comes easy.

Jellyx · 04/08/2023 23:24

doubtit1 · 04/08/2023 20:53

I forgot to add that I went to a counsellor recently to get some support/advice and he told me he needs to see DP, not me. He was a lovely counsellor and didn't even charge me for the hour.

DP has been resistant to counselling for years, even through his MH struggles, but I've finally convinced him to see the counsellor on his own (I paid for it) and his first session is soon.

Should I wait to see if the counselling improves things?

No. You don't agree on money or how to raise children - huge factors in whether a relationship will be successful or happy.

There's no evidence he will go to therapy or it will work. There's evidence he will 'scoff' at real, practical honest information.

I've no doubt it's scary to leave. But I'd be more scared of staying with him or god forbid having children with him

JibbaJab · 04/08/2023 23:28

@doubtit1 Online dating was way before then that's how I met my wife, although turned out that was a bad decision in the end but nevermind.

I'll likely go that route again as suits me best but still kinda nervous as been a long time was in my 20s then. Kinda like you I got used to it even though it wasn't good but guess give it a shot again at some point.

Least know the warning signs this time.

Original poster
doubtit1 · 04/08/2023 23:37

Butterfly44 · 04/08/2023 23:21

Sometimes a relationship just runs it's course, and your feelings towards that person change and you are where you are. And because they are not all bad and have so many good qualities it's a much harder decision and you question yourself. You think about the past, all the great memories, you think about them in future and feel like an awful person as you imagine they'd be lonely and not able to find someone else as easily. Also, you are so comfortable with your routine...life isn't so bad right.
But you don't feel the same about them. You don't like how they behave, how they do certain things, the future doesn't look how you want it to be, nothing they say can change your current feeling. You're staying because leaving is hard and the unknown is scary. This is natural.
Let the counselling happen and then talk. Talk about leaving, talk about staying, talk about what you want for your future. Then decide. You are young enough to start again. Nothing good comes easy.

Thank you, all of that resonates so much. You hit the nail on the head

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