9 years, 2 kids, and it’s over…

[AppleCrumbling1]

Hi all, I’ll keep this as short as possible.

I decided 3 weeks ago to end my 9 year relationship for which I have 2 DC. It’s been years of ups and downs, but mainly downs. Here are some of the reasons :

• DP has always had issues with MH, but never ever sought help
• DP would always get argumentative when drunk
• DP has been physically abusive to me on multiple occasions throughout the entire relationship (I keep remembering events and it’s so painful)
• DP has always reminded me he earns more, pays for more, everything in our house is his
• DP has punched holes in walls, smashed doors etc
• DP has continuously in the last 12 months accused me of seeing other people
• DP has reminded me I’m the least good looking
• DP has been absent with his children, not interested in family days out, never done a night feed because “I work full time”, laid in every weekend because again “I work hard and it’s my weekend”
• DP wants at least 2 weeks notice before he takes care of the kids on his own because again “I work hard all week and it’s my weekend”

theres so much more I just can’t write it all down.

1 year ago I got a job after being on furlough for a year and then at home with the youngest for a year (born 2021). It was the best thing I’ve ever done besides becoming a mother. I’ve made such wonderful friends, built a name for myself in my profession, been promoted once already and it’s just been wonderful - especially now matching his earnings!

1 year ago it all got worse, EXDP has constantly accused me of having affairs, but can never give an explanation as to who/where/why. I work in a male dominated industry and he tells me it’s only because I’m a woman that I’m a successful. He’s become more absent, not just with me but the DC, zero interest in hobbies, friends or myself.

After ending things, it’s become so spiteful. He’s told me “no one will want to f* you after me” “no one will want you after me” “I hit you because you make me do it, you want me to be the bad guy” “you make me angry at the kids, you want me to be the bad parent” “you’ve sucked the life out of me, you’re the reason I’m depressed and angry”

Hes also refusing to leave the home, it’s a council property with a joint tenancy. He says because he’s earnt more, he deserves it more than me. He acts as if I’ve never worked, I have always had an income through working or maternity allowance. The rent has always come from my account. His family hate me because of the lies he’s told them. The council have told me we both need to apply for a solo tenancy, and they will decide based on our circumstances. My parents offer childcare twice a week, my entire family lives in this town. I cannot leave, I have no where, no money, no where to go. He wants me out.

I’ve spoken to a counsellor, and to my friends, and they all say it’s abuse, emotional and physical. But what if he’s right?? I’ve never been perfect and I know he’s got a short fuse so I should never argue back. I can’t help but feel like it’s my fault, I did deserve it and I’m an idiot for speaking up.

He’s told me he’s depressed and I’m abandoning him, and no good person would do that after he’s stuck by my side through PND when I was (I will admit) not in a good place.

I’m sorry, I just needed to rant. I just can’t see this ending….is this how relationships are after 9 years and I’m just throwing it away because I’m so tired from all the bullying? And am I an awful person for leaving if he is depressed? Is MH an excuse to be so mean and cruel and venomous?

No this is not how good relationships are after 9 years. Husbands are supposed to make you happy and your life better not worse. He's an arsehole and you need to stick to your convictions. You've been so strong, stick with your plan.

Report all his abuse to the police. Speak to Rights of Woman about getting an occupation order in the property for you and the DC.

I’m so angry at myself for accepting it, I feel like a cloud has lifted and I’m just seeing it for what it is now.

Sounds silly, but work opened my eyes to what life can be like - fun, successful, more than just being a mum and looking after him.

I’m also so angry he’s painting this picture of me that I was the horrible one I’m the reason he’s been the way he is. I spoke to women’s aid and they said this is all classic behaviour, it’s control and narcissistic.

I know I’m doing the right thing for me and my DC, but I didn’t think I’d feel heartbroken??

Well done for getting out, you awesome woman!

Only 9 years together and all this shit already. You did the right thing OP. You'll never regret this, don't look back x

You feel heartbroken because you are sad for the family life you could have, should have had with a decent man.

You have to get your children out of this toxic nightmare. That has to be your primary priority. Too much damage has already been done, you have to prevent any more.

Report all of his abuse to the police. It is possible that you can get a non-molestation order and an occupation order which means he will have to leave the home.

If you want your life to change, you are going to have to take the steps to make this happen. Stop listening to the bullshit coming out of his mouth. It's meaningless and just noise to try and keep you right where you are. Don't fall for it. You are stronger than he is, so prove it to him.

@RandomMess @fullbloom87 @Diddykong @lordloveadog thank you all. You’re all strangers to me, but I’ve just felt utterly alone like I’m the one in the wrong.

don’t get me wrong I am absolutely no saint, I’ve done wrong, said wrong, but this is another level - this is 9 years and it’s been over and over and over again.

We’ve had lovely times, memories for a lifetime, and he can be so lovely - but I can’t take the bad times anymore, they’re so intense and so long lasting.

I’ve SH in the past, and so many times he’s been drunk and burst into the room and asked “have you done it yet?? Are you finished yet???” Laughed and walked out. I’ve got so much anger towards him, so much anger, but also to myself. I’ve told him I hate him, and he’s told me I’m a horrible person for saying it. But I do, I really do. I’ll always have love for him, he’s the father of my children, but I feel so angry.

I know I’m worthy of more, maybe from someone else one day, but from me today.

Just the last post about his attitude to your deep distress is enough. He's abusive and he isn't on your side. Use the resources of police and women's aid and everything to Get. Him.Out.

@Aquamarine1029 i’m stronger, so much stronger and I don’t think he’s expected it.

I protect my children, and have always done, from all of this but ultimately it will have an impact. This is my final shield as their mum, leaving, starting again, and showing them what life is about - love, strength and kindness.

I just can’t help but be angry at myself

You're doing the right thing in ending the relationship.

@EthicalNonMahogany womens aid have been amazing, as have legal help/counselling through my company. They’ve offered so much help and resource.

I am actioning it, it’s just so much to deal with all at once. I feel like a deer in headlights at times

Good for you op. You need to put you and the children first. Life will be much happier once he is out of the picture. 💐

@pilates thank you.

I just want him out of our house but he won’t leave, and even if he’s ordered too, he won’t ever let me live it down. He will forever remind me that I “took” it from him.

Who cares what he says.

It's his behaviour that'll leave to the police/courts removing him.

Oh bless you, none of this is your fault and you definitely don't deserve the abuse! Well done on getting away from him, I hope you and your children have a lovely life without him x

Who cares what he says. If you left the house with a hair shirt on your back and left him a mountain of £50 notes in the hallway he would blame you for something. Probably for creating dust and causing a trip hazard in the hallway.
That’s his problem. Hear it for the hot air it is. Imagine him saying blah blah blah when he is talking and tune out. In fact play a game, how long before he moans and how many complaints does he have each time.

Report anything that is coercive or abusive.
Read love myself like my life depends on it.
keep a secret diary documenting loser boys attitude. And go and live a good life.

Love yourself like your life depends on it - see it works 😂

@Mumsrock18
You need to open your own thread as that query has nothing to do with helping the OP....

“We’ve had lovely times, memories for a lifetime, and he can be so lovely - but I can’t take the bad times anymore, they’re so intense and so long lasting.”

The bad times are the best measure of the relationship. All relationships feel lovely when they’re going well. It’s how bad they feel when things are going wrong that counts. When DH and I are annoyed with each other, things are a bit meh. Occasionally we’ll have a shouting match. When it’s over, it’s over. No-one holds a grudge. Nothing gets smashed.

Abusers, btw, can love bomb like there’s no tomorrow. They have to, otherwise no-one would stick around. Also the good times are intensified because the bad times are so awful and there’s just such huge relief that the nasty partner is treating you well. My DH and I don’t feel relieved that the other is treating us well because that’s what we expect of ourselves and each other.

This is not on you. No-one’s perfect. Pretty much everyone can be a bit of an arsehole some of the time. It doesn’t excuse your H’s behaviour. But he won’t take responsibility and he won’t approve of what you’re doing. So don’t look to him for affirmation because you won’t get it. You’re doing so well to break free.

Run. Get the police involved ring them daily if needed get a non mol protect yourself and your kids and get the police to remove him time and time again

This is abuse. This has to end and you can do this.

Thank you @Littlemisslonley @Dery @Monkeylimas @Brill1antdisguise

I don’t know why I’m finding it so hard, I absolutely beyond anything know that this is right for not just me and the boys, but him as well - but I feel so conflicted. Like this is my fault for staying so long so I can’t be a victim?

FYI he’s not my husband, or even fiancé, 9 years and 2 DC and “I just can’t afford it” and “it’s not on my to do list” were the reasons.

I will be looking at “love yourself like your life depends on it”!! I love a good book, and am loving podcasts lately….although exDP thought it was appropriate to hide my headphones so I couldn’t listen…it’s all so messy.

It’s very normal to feel conflicted. This is not how you planned things going. You loved this man enough to share a home with him and have his children. You said you have lovely times sometimes - no-one gets things wrong all the time. Amongst all the shittiness, he probably has some good characteristics which you can appreciate. And perhaps he’s very physically attractive. You will have some feelings of loyalty to him for all these reasons.

It’s just that his bad qualities make him utterly toxic, dangerous to you and your sons and impossible to have as a life partner. Therefore your duty to yourself and your children must trump any feelings you might have for him. But he’s trained you to put him first and planted his voice in your head. That training doesn’t vanish overnight. You will need to re-educate yourself.

If you’re able to have support getting him removed from the tenancy due to abuse, perhaps you could then look to do a house swap so that you can make a fresh start and don’t feel like you’re in “his” house anymore.