Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need a handhold- Ex, OW and DDs on family holiday

50 replies

Mensuckbigtime · 04/08/2023 15:12

Hey everyone,
Really struggling atm...

STBXH ended marriage last autumn, found out about OW in January, we have two DDs (5 and 2).
Posted here a few weeks ago about meeting OW (long story) and her telling me that she helps Ex with childcare, cooking and cleaning (which annoyed me because I feel like hes getting rewarded for being a cheat and i have to pick up the pieces) .

Ex and DDs are off to the UK today (he's British, I'm not, we live in Europe) to spend a week with his family.

Oldest DD told me yesterday that OW will be joining (as far as I know she's not met his family yet).

And it hurts soooo much. The thought of not seeing my children for a week kills me and to know that OW gets to spend a whole week with them- just awful.

For context, OW had met the girls twice on a playground before she started spending all contact time with ex and DD ar our marital apartment and now she's already going on a "family" holiday with them.

Please be kind!

I know that I have no control over what he does when he has DD, but again it feels.like he's fallen on his feet.

He betrayed me and now it feels like he's replacing me with OW to have a female figure in DDs life whilst they are with him.

The thought of them playing "happy family" is awful.

Also, OW will be meeting my MIL who I love and have been really close to. It feels like yet another loss.

Every time I feel like I'm getting better, something happens again and I'm back to square one.

I don't want Ex to have this power over me to continously hurt me.

Anyone else been in this situation.

Any advice on how to make it through the week and not constantly think about how I used to be with his family and now OW is? That she is playing mummy to my DDs?

Need a handhold, thanks for reading!!!

OP posts:
littlepeached · 04/08/2023 15:23

Ah, I'm really sorry. I can understand how you are feeling and I'm sure it'll be hard for you to see the positives here.

How was the OW when you met her? I'm only asking because if she is nice, then it's a positive if she is around your dc. Just trying to see a good point!!

Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 04/08/2023 15:26

littlepeached · 04/08/2023 15:23

Ah, I'm really sorry. I can understand how you are feeling and I'm sure it'll be hard for you to see the positives here.

How was the OW when you met her? I'm only asking because if she is nice, then it's a positive if she is around your dc. Just trying to see a good point!!

It was the most awkward conversation I ever had, so hard to tell.

We had email contact for a while before the meeting to set it.up and discuss topics of conversation.

She was ambivalent then- from two.page.emails telling me all the things I have done wrong to being apologetic about affair...

My older DD says she's nice.

OW did tell my two year old that she has a "far bum" though (confirmed by ex).

I can't really see any positives atm

😞

OP posts:
lyralycra · 04/08/2023 15:27

That sounds really tough OP. You cannot help but think that he's just gone and replaced you, as if you had served your purpose and now he has new requirements. It does sound incredibly unfair. Why do you think he did it in the first place?

Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 04/08/2023 15:27

Fat bum

OP posts:
Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 04/08/2023 15:28

lyralycra · 04/08/2023 15:27

That sounds really tough OP. You cannot help but think that he's just gone and replaced you, as if you had served your purpose and now he has new requirements. It does sound incredibly unfair. Why do you think he did it in the first place?

Have the affair?

OP posts:
lyralycra · 04/08/2023 15:29

I would not be happy with another woman spending significant amounts of time with my DC at that age. DC take things at face value. Adults seem like all-knowing gods to young children. Why on earth is she saying she has a fat bum?

Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 04/08/2023 15:31

lyralycra · 04/08/2023 15:29

I would not be happy with another woman spending significant amounts of time with my DC at that age. DC take things at face value. Adults seem like all-knowing gods to young children. Why on earth is she saying she has a fat bum?

God knows why she said that.

Another annoying thing in all of this...having to tell ex to tell OW to not use the term "fat" in front of DDs.

Older DD told younger DD she had a fat bum, when I asked older DD about it, she said OW had said it, so she thought it was an OK thing to say...

Retch!

OP posts:
fullbloom87 · 04/08/2023 15:37

Op you are an incredibly strong and patient women. I'm not sure I would allow it to happen if I were in your position.
Obviously it's too late to put any stops to it now but I would strongly suggest you book a holiday by yourself and start being really selfish and self indulgent. Start making plans, drop them off whenever it suits you and make yourself feel better. You have to or it will make you unwell if you do nothing and just sit back and take it xx

lyralycra · 04/08/2023 15:37

She's influencing your DC already. That must be so tough on you. I can't think of any positive words to type other than you are their mum you will always be their mum and they love you. It's making life so much harder for you though. What a twat he is.

Maddy70 · 04/08/2023 15:38

This is going to be one in a series of firsts for you it's tough , really tough.

But then next time they go away it won't be a first and it will be easier

Try not to feel bitter when your kids come home and tell you they've had a great time. That's what you want

Try to fill the week they're away. Could you go and stay with a friend ? Try to change the way you think of it in your head. I stead of grieving (which you are !) Think of it as free time for you to see friends and family

Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 04/08/2023 15:39

fullbloom87 · 04/08/2023 15:37

Op you are an incredibly strong and patient women. I'm not sure I would allow it to happen if I were in your position.
Obviously it's too late to put any stops to it now but I would strongly suggest you book a holiday by yourself and start being really selfish and self indulgent. Start making plans, drop them off whenever it suits you and make yourself feel better. You have to or it will make you unwell if you do nothing and just sit back and take it xx

I didn't know that OW was going in holiday until a few days ago, so nothing I could do.

Obviously Ex didn't mention it...

How can he be so cruel and unempathetic to the woman he's spent half of his life with?
Why do his family have to meet OW while DD are there too?

I'm baffled.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 04/08/2023 15:41

Maddy70 · 04/08/2023 15:38

This is going to be one in a series of firsts for you it's tough , really tough.

But then next time they go away it won't be a first and it will be easier

Try not to feel bitter when your kids come home and tell you they've had a great time. That's what you want

Try to fill the week they're away. Could you go and stay with a friend ? Try to change the way you think of it in your head. I stead of grieving (which you are !) Think of it as free time for you to see friends and family

I'm off to visit a friend this week and it's a good distraction, but somehow, no matter what I do, I can't outrun the hurt and pain

OP posts:
Summer2424 · 04/08/2023 15:44

Hi @Mensuckbigtime i'm so sorry you're going through this xx
For the whole week please remind yourself of what an amazing, confident, kind, caring, good hearted person you are. You are a wonderful mother and an inspiration to your children. You are so much stronger than you know. Sending you lots of happy positive vibes xx

Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 04/08/2023 15:47

It's the unfairness of it all.

OW had an affair with my husband and now she gets to spend time with DD and I don't.

Her only "credentials" are being the woman he cheated with...

OP posts:
Deargodletitgo · 04/08/2023 15:53

If it was simply his new partner, she'd still be meeting his family and spending time with them, would that feel different?

Smooshface · 04/08/2023 15:53

It is hard but it gets easier. I hate that my ex is taking the girls away with the woman he had affair with but that is life now. Getting upset about it is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die.

They would be having time with their dad anyway presumably, so being on holiday will be great for them. You cannot be so easily replaced, you are their mum and you will always be their safe space. Try and fill your life with some things for you while they are away, eat meals you love, see friends, go to the cinema to see grown up films. Rest and recharge, it is hard not to miss them terribly but having time to yourself for a bit and being your own person can be very rejuvenating.

Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 04/08/2023 15:57

Deargodletitgo · 04/08/2023 15:53

If it was simply his new partner, she'd still be meeting his family and spending time with them, would that feel different?

Yes, it would feel a million times different.

Ex had an affair with this woman, the two of them have caused me a lot of pain.

If he'd separated and then met someone down the line, it would still be hard, but nothing compared to it being OW.

Would you feel there is no difference?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 04/08/2023 15:58

Smooshface · 04/08/2023 15:53

It is hard but it gets easier. I hate that my ex is taking the girls away with the woman he had affair with but that is life now. Getting upset about it is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die.

They would be having time with their dad anyway presumably, so being on holiday will be great for them. You cannot be so easily replaced, you are their mum and you will always be their safe space. Try and fill your life with some things for you while they are away, eat meals you love, see friends, go to the cinema to see grown up films. Rest and recharge, it is hard not to miss them terribly but having time to yourself for a bit and being your own person can be very rejuvenating.

I try and do things for myself.

Today is just a hard day, tomorrow will hopefully be better.

I think it's because OW gets to meet the family too, all the people that I used to spend time with

OP posts:
DinoSaw · 04/08/2023 15:59

She’s the other woman. So they are used to being the fun bit together. And now her holiday with the new man will include changing nappies and bedtime routines and trips to kid focused venues and parenting because your ex can’t manage to cook and clean and care for his own children. It’s hardly a setting for wild romance is it?

fullbloom87 · 04/08/2023 16:00

Surely if you didn't know then you can report them abduction then. He HAS to by law inform you if he's taking them out of the country they live in.

Resilience · 04/08/2023 16:00

Bless you. I can understand why this hurts. I think the only way to handle this is to 'fake it til you make it' - in other words behave like the better person who's largely indifferent apart from where it impacts on the DC. Eventually your emotions will catch up.

It's not a popular view on MN but not all affairs are doomed to failure. However, this one has all the hallmarks of one of those that is doomed because clearly your XH is not thinking about what's best for the DC or himself and the OW here, or his wider family (who are likely to find this very awkward). This is all far too much, far too soon. Once the infatuation settles this is likely to collapse.

However, there is nothing you can do about it other than be the constant rock for your DC and maintain polite and friendly relations with your XH and the OW. Much as it stings, it's the best thing you can do for your DC. Fighting it will just leave you bitter, exhausted and unsuccessful as no court in the land would allow you to dictate who your XH can have around the DC in his contact time (bar a genuine safeguarding issue). There's a saying that the best revenge is a life well lived and that's especially true here. One day you will wake up and realise you no longer care and you will have moved on. If you're taken the high road you will also have been a fantastic role model to your DC (I suspect in stark contrast to your XH) and they will see very clearly who is the better parent.

The OW can never usurp you. You are the DC's mother. The best she can hope for is to be a fantastic step mother (which is to everyone's benefit) but you will always be their mother. 💐

Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 04/08/2023 16:01

fullbloom87 · 04/08/2023 16:00

Surely if you didn't know then you can report them abduction then. He HAS to by law inform you if he's taking them out of the country they live in.

I did know he was taking them to the UK, I.just didn't know that OW was joining them.

OP posts:
fullbloom87 · 04/08/2023 16:03

Have you told him you're unhappy about it?

waterlego · 04/08/2023 16:03

Ooooof, this must really hurt. I’ve never been in this situation but can only imagine how upset I would be in your shoes.

On the one hand, it’s good that your DDs think the OW is nice (although the fat comment perhaps suggests otherwise). They will be spending time with her and she will have an impact on them. But she is not and never will be their mother. I hope your DDs enjoy the trip (because you wouldn’t want to think of them being all that way from you and feeling miserable) but I bet they’ll miss you loads, and be delighted to see you when they return.

As for your (ex) MIL- are you still in touch? I would hope you could maintain some sort of relationship with her given that you were close. It’s not her fault or yours that her son turned out to be a shit. Perhaps she’d like to keep up a friendship with you- I know of several families like this where couples have separated but have maintained contact with their ex-ILs.

If I were your ex-MIL who had enjoyed a good relationship with you, I would be polite and civil to the OW for the sake of keeping the peace and not upsetting the children. Perhaps your MIL will do this or perhaps she will genuinely like the OW. But none of that changes the fact that you know you had a close relationship to her. That is not all gone and forgotten just because her son has moved on.

Wishing you well OP. Keep as busy as possible and I hope the time flies until your DDs are back home with you.

HighywayToHell · 04/08/2023 16:04

I know how you feel OP, slightly different as i ended our relationship because he had an EA, after splitting he moved in with her and it feels like she has replaced me in my own life. Spending time with our adult son and has seen my young granddaughter more than i have, son and ex are always round each others houses but i have been shut out.

Going on holiday to the same place we went to and doing a hobby that we used to do, i feel weird about it, i cant help it.

I am seeing a new man now and its going well so i am doing new hobbies and doing new things, ex probably thinks that he has been replaced by my DP.

It does feel shit but unfortunately thats what happens and there is nothing you can do. But time helps, i know its a cliche but its true, i dont care about it as much as i used to and it doesnt hurt as much. Still suck though.