Need a handhold- Ex, OW and DDs on family holiday

[Mensuckbigtime]

Hey everyone,
Really struggling atm...

STBXH ended marriage last autumn, found out about OW in January, we have two DDs (5 and 2).
Posted here a few weeks ago about meeting OW (long story) and her telling me that she helps Ex with childcare, cooking and cleaning (which annoyed me because I feel like hes getting rewarded for being a cheat and i have to pick up the pieces) .

Ex and DDs are off to the UK today (he's British, I'm not, we live in Europe) to spend a week with his family.

Oldest DD told me yesterday that OW will be joining (as far as I know she's not met his family yet).

And it hurts soooo much. The thought of not seeing my children for a week kills me and to know that OW gets to spend a whole week with them- just awful.

For context, OW had met the girls twice on a playground before she started spending all contact time with ex and DD ar our marital apartment and now she's already going on a "family" holiday with them.

Please be kind!

I know that I have no control over what he does when he has DD, but again it feels.like he's fallen on his feet.

He betrayed me and now it feels like he's replacing me with OW to have a female figure in DDs life whilst they are with him.

The thought of them playing "happy family" is awful.

Also, OW will be meeting my MIL who I love and have been really close to. It feels like yet another loss.

Every time I feel like I'm getting better, something happens again and I'm back to square one.

I don't want Ex to have this power over me to continously hurt me.

Anyone else been in this situation.

Any advice on how to make it through the week and not constantly think about how I used to be with his family and now OW is? That she is playing mummy to my DDs?

Need a handhold, thanks for reading!!!

Yup, I told him. he doesn't give a shit.

He keeps telling me how great things between him and OW are...

I don't know if it's part of the script, but I really don't understand the pace at which he's going at and I don't understand OW being up for all of this.

Maybe its so they can justify to eachother that what theyve done is OK, because they are sooo in love

Makes me want to throw up

All I can say is that you have to play the long game. You are their mother and nothing and no one will ever replace that. They are young and don't know this yet but they will in time. Rise above it and as your kids grow up they will realise what an incredible mum you were to them . For all.you know the relationship could crash and burn anyway so try not to let it destroy you because life isn't fair and it is no wonder you feel the way you do x

Where's the proof that he told you he was taking them? Text email, recorded conversation?

My heart goes out to you. I’m so sorry for the pain all this is causing.

Keep in touch with MIL but don’t be obvious with questions etc. let the conversation flow & maybe her feedback (not straight away) will help settle your mind?

Above all keep yourself busy & occupied all the time the kids are away.

Who knows what the future holds. Maintain your dignity, be the bigger person and always, always, act like the loving mum you clearly are.
Let the dust settle and watch from the sidelines. Might be interesting!

He did tell me, he sent an email and I agreed because obviously I don't want the girls not to see their grandparents

I am still in touch with MIL
I told her yesterday that I needed to take some time.away to process everything.

She said she understands but has to accept the changes to the family.

I will see how things go.

I've decided to also make sure that I have boundaries for myself and to also put my own mental health second (after DDs)

Yes - this.

And also OP, your kids will probably ask for you constantly. She's not going to have a great time - will probably be riddled with insecurities about how your ex has more of a history with you, and prefers you and the kids to her.

Genuinely don't worry about it. Your babies will miss you terribly, you'll always be the most important person to them.

And OW sounds horrible (saying a child has a fat bum ffs!), everyone will realise, including your DC and ExH family x

don't know if it's part of the script, but I really don't understand the pace at which he's going at and I don't understand OW being up for all of this

It is part of the script.

Women unhappy in relationships will generally leave to be single because they know their worth and know they deserve better. Men tend to remain in a relationship until they've lined the next woman up so they've got someone else to move on with (pass housework, adulting, childcare onto).

OW will be willing to do all of this because she's probably subconsciously still in the pick me dance stage where she wants to be the cool new woman and not like the boring/moody/nagging ex wife.

You're always your children's mum. No new woman can replace that. Even if there's a phase in a few years where she's dad's cool partner who doesn't (insert boring parent stuff here), they will value your input, guidance, wisdom and unconditional love.

The weather is shite in England at the moment as well. It could well rain all week on them!
Shallow but might help you to know days out will involve dodging alot of rain.
Sorry your mil didn't say they wanted to see the girls this time without the OW as well. You may need to detach from mil too.
Tell you Ex you don't want to hear anything at all about him and the OW anymore. It is unbelievably crass for him to tell you it's going well fgs!
Tell him he will always be a cheating bastard and he has to live with that truth as do you. So you do not want to hear anything about it over his lips. He needs to speak to you only about the children.
I hope your time with a freind helps you.

He also tells me where she goes on holiday (always very culturally interesting places).

I don't give two shits about where she goes on holiday.

Seems.like he wants to assure me that he's made the right choice because she is oh so cultured.

Yeah, might have to go NC with MIL... it is a hard position for her too though.

We shall see

Going for dinner with a friend now... to a wine bar...

😀😃🙂

If it makes you feel any better this holiday is going to be a shock to the system for her; children for a couple of days are fine but suddenly a week and she’s going to realise what it’s like.

you'll always be their real mum X

It's really hard right now. But I promise it gets better.
My ex left when DS was still in nappies and immediately went to having him almost every weekend. The OW was always there and gave up her weekends to play families while I had the freedom to go out and enjoy a bit of life.

DS is a young adult now, ex and OW married and had 2 more kids who adore their older brother. OW's family have always treated my DS the same as their other grandkids and although it stung at the time, I am glad it worked out that way rather than having a series of people come and go in his life.

You can never be replaced as a mother but equally, if more people love and care for your DCs then that's no bad thing.

I really hope I can get to that place.

Are you friendly with OW?

Did you manage to find someone else and move on too?

I had this when my kids were little and it's just horrible. You have to understand though that no OW will ever be able to replace you, it really is as simple as that.

It is crazy to read this, as I could have basically written this not so long ago from a different perspective- I was the DD in my situation. Mum had an affair, left my dad for the other man, moved in with him straight away and it was all about how well travelled he was, how amazing he was, how in love they were, how much happier she was, fancy holidays together, involving him in mine & my sisters lives, introducing him to her side of the family as the best thing since sliced bread. We were much older and could see both sides, my dad struggled with the situation but didn’t bite back or argue, he always used to say to us if she was happier with him she should stay with him.

not even a year later, that relationship broke down, the other man is now described by my mum as the worst thing in the world…and she is back with my dad!

she openly admits now that she always thought the grass would be greener but that as soon as she took the step to leave my dad for him she regretted it, but at that point she felt she then HAD to be so “in love” with the other man to justify the fact that she left her husband & family for him.

so just a reminder that everything is not always as it seems, and that you are doing your best! x

Thanks for that!
Can I ask how it felt for you to be introduced so quickly with meeting the family, holidays and all?

Honestly, it was really difficult. But maybe that was largely because both me and my sister were older and so both of us were very conscious of how my dad would feel about the situation, and both my mum and dad weren’t shy about telling us details, their feelings, their anger at each other etc. We both knew all of the ins and outs of the situation and we knew how they both felt which made playing happy families either way really difficult, maybe the benefit of being younger is as children we likely wouldn’t have been involved in any of the “adult” conversations and so those details wouldn’t have been on our minds.

and I have to say, it’s no easier now that my mum and dad are back together, because again- they both openly slagged the other off to me and my sister and now they both seen to have forgotten that and expect us to play happy families together again as if nothing ever happened!🙃

It takes time, it's all new for you so go easy on yourself.

I get on ok with her now, we speak very occasionally- most recently when ex was quite ill. She was very wary of me at first.

I subsequently had a tumultuous marriage but am happily divorced and have finally met Mr Right. We've been together 5 years and he gets on great with DS 😊

Pretty sure she won’t want to dump her kids on this woman and start doing whatever. She sounds a much better mum than that!

I think I do need to use the time when DD arw with their dad to look after myself

I've created something called a "slob" day, where I moap around in my PJs, eat cookies in bed and watch SATC and do absolutely nothing which I have thoroughly enjoyed!

But no, I wouldn't just drop off DDs, especially not with stupid OW

Huge hug.

Pleaseeee start saying "That's nice dear" when ur STBXH tells you ANOTHER thing about OW.... Feign complete indifference! He WANTS a reaction... Don't bother telling him you don't want to know, he won't listen. Just totally blase. Practice makes perfect - soon you won't care at all!! Look after YOU and DDs.... Self care (and lots of it!), Make the absolute most out of every child free weekend (not much you can do about them, so don't let yourself fret. You don't seem to have safety concerns, and that's actually brilliant!) Unfortunately you will have to take a huge step back from MIL. Be civil, sure, but don't involve her in your new single life. No moping! You are strong, you will rebuild a better life and you will show ur daughters how to deal with pathetic excuses for men!! We are all behind you!!! That weasel will be sorry, and you'll be so far out of his league he can only dream! Let your rage/sorrow/envy fuel your new life! Repeat it a million times a day, I DON'T CARE ANYMORE. Oh and don't quiz the kids on OW, if they tell you another RIDICULOUS thing she said or did, just chuckle and say 'bless'. And explain how YOU and YOUR daughters behave - we don't call people fat, it's terribly vulgar darling. And move on. You have got this!!!! I know you do!!!!

@notahappybunny7

I know she's a better mum then that..clearly.
What I meant was she should start making time for herself and rather then waiting till it's convenient to them to have the children, take life by the bullet and make the most of her freedom. So for example if she gets an invite on a Thursday evening, go for it, don't just wait till it's time for dad and wicked stepmum to have them round. More chance of stepmum checking out and dad getting a reality check this way.

Thanks everyone for your responses and your kind words!!!

Appreciate it so much

Yeay, my ex and ow are going abroad with his whole family, so i really do understand your pain. I was close to MiL before the affair, but when i told her what her son had been up to she basically told me that he was unhappy because i was terrible at housework... Never mind that he had been unemployed for 3 years and i worked full time! MiL's aren't all terrible, but likely they will do whatever they have to do keep the peace and continue to see grandchildren when it suits them, so you might have to accept that your relationship with them won't recover.

It is all so unfair, having to mourn the loss of the life you had and the future you were sure of is so hard... But you do get to go to bed every night knowing that you are no longer with a cheating arsehole, the OW will never get that peace.