Sense check please DP's sister staying

[Fuckstix]

Hello.all,

Huge essay sorry. It helps me.

I would just like opinions please on whether I am.out of order for feeling annoyed here and speaking up. Happy to hear if I am unfair for feeling irritated.

My partner's sister has been staying from abroad (Europe-2nd flight) for 2 weeks. She's a lovely sweet girl but I'm somewhat at the end of my tether. She leaves on Monday.

-I have been very unwell for a few weeks so unable to get out by myself much. Nobody's fault but I would have liked some occasional space to recover without a guest around during the fortnight.

-Dsis has left the house by herself twice in 2 weeks for about 30 mins to an hour at a time. The rest of the time it has been activities or trips with us in the evenings such as going for dinner or DP taking her to another city one day.

-she has parked herself on the sofa with her laptop for the entire rest of the time and showed no interest in moving. I have suggested local stuff to do that she could access. No interest. Fine, it's her holiday but I thought it was standard to.amuse yourself a bit of the time and give your hosts some space.

-she has lived abroad and speaks the language so isn't stuck not knowing how to fend for herself.

-the moment she got here she walked around the kitchen and bathroom with DP pointing out non existent 'stains' and 'filth' saying it would give her a kick to clean such a mess.

I assure you it was neither messy nor dirty. The place was clean.

I was polite but let DP know I would not be tolerating 2 weeks of that in my home. It hasn't happened since but I'm not sure whether he said anything.

-we invited friends from home (more his than hers but she has met them several times over many years) for dinner. I did everything including keep the conversation going as they both largely sat there looking overwhelmed. They shopped as I couldn't go. I cooked, cleaned and dished up. I know I'm the idiot here but the guests were coming and those two simply fannied about doing nothing. Or stayed in their rooms.

-yesterday we went to a city i know well and met some of my friends. It was on both of their suggestion.

I arranged lunch, transport around town, a boat trip, a walk in a historical wildlife park and suggested hundreds of ideas.of other things to do. Literally loads. They showed no interest in any and just complained about the weather. Then when we had had the ride and went to a nice pub I suggested after the walk she sat there moaning about how she loved museums and wanted to.go.to one. It was after 7 so none open. She moaned and sat with a pinched miserable face and petulantly asked what on earth people do in that city after 5 if museums are closed.

I had suggested loads of bloody museums we could have gone to earlier if she had said.

They had no interest in sitting and chatting in the pub or moving on, just sat in awkward silence waiting to be entertained. She kept going 'well I don't know what I want to do, I don't know the city' but wouldn't give any clue or agree to try anything. Just wandering and seeing the place was pooh-poohed as she was tired.

I eventually told them both I was going to leave them to it and meet a friend. I saw them at the station eventually and we went together in the end but it ended up being me apologising for walking off (I didn't lose my temper and was polite, I had just had enough of the complaining and passivity).

-she also moaned about the food despite her picking the cuisine. She hadn't ordered what she usually would so wasn't happy. I thought 'bloody suck it up, you tried something new. It isn't the end of the world'.

-i had a word.with DP last night about yesterday's complaining and refusal to say what she wanted to do and passivity plus pointed remarks about my planning. I apologised for wanting to leave them too. He agreed she had been rude but said said 'I just thought you were looking tired' as though it was me causing the issue.

-she's been back.on the sofa today and has left the living room a mess from breakfast.

I know none of this is crime of the century but I can't wait for her to leave. I just don't get why he hasn't made more effort and she hasn't done her own thing at all. They're both very gentle and sweet whereas I'm quite straightforward and outgoing but I see them both in a bit of a different light now.

He hasn't put the dishwasher on once or a wash, or changed the cat litter, I've done all the cooking and paid for a meal out, neither have taken the bin or recycling out once.

I just feel they're wafting around taking the piss but being in the right because they're gentle characters and I'm more sparky.

I want to say they're entitled to behave however they want and I'm entitled to feel however I want but it feels like I'm being unreasonable to even feel this way when they're so passive and soft together. I can't just leave the cleaning because of her remarks about the place.

I feel.so mean for not pasting on a smile yesterday and voicing (politely) my issue with her comments and want to.know if others would have been happy with all.of this. I think I am.an introvert and wonder if others would be happy with a guest sitting on the sofa for 2 weeks.

I am trying to put myself in your shoes and to be honest, as someone who loves their own space, this would annoy me too. Leaving the place a mess is not on. You’ve almost gotten to the 2 week stage, plan something lovely now for when she leaves. And maybe if she ever wants to visit again, make sure it’s for less time or else that she stays in a hotel.

That would do my head in. I would definitely step back and leave them to it for the rest of her visit.

Being blunt, you're being too active and over-invested in her happiness and think you've got the power to make her happy if she'd only do any or all of the things you suggest or respond to them in the way you want.

She doesn't want you to mother her, push her from one thing you've suggested to another, and "solve" all her non-problems. She just wants to waft around doing surprisingly little while making pretentious comments and criticising everything. If she wants to spend a week cleaning your clean house let her crack on.

It's your house and you can do what you want and be annoyed about anything you like but you sound like you're not happy because she's not spending her holiday the way you think ought to make her happy.

So stop suggesting shit. Stop feeling responsible when she whinges that she hasn't done something she wanted to do that you already told her about. Stop feeling responsible for her happiness.

Just drop the rope and stop giving a fuck, she doesn't deserve it.

OP, you are an awful martyr and a doormat.

Your partner is a selfish lazy arse.

You have a really tough life ahead of you if you don't drop the rope and start looking after yourself.

Bending yourself out of shape for selfish people is thankless.

Have a long hard look at that selfish waster you are with who clearly isn't looking after when you are unwell.

You see the real man when you are unwell.

Yours is a selfish arse with a PITA sister.

There's a pair of them in it.

Thanks for all responses, both the affirmative that it's an annoying situation and the straight talking. It's really helped.

I raised this again with DP last night when they got back from dinner. I couldn't go as was feeling too wiped out from yday. His response was rather annoying although I love him very much.

Because he isn't assertive in disagreements I always end up apologising and really hate this. I didn't shout or get nasty or anything, I just find this passiveness hard to deal with. There was quite a bit about how he had been paralysed by worry (not his exact words) at me being so ill, then mentioned how I had.not found a place for an item since moving in 2 months ago (he is not a tidiness freak, and justified this as him needing to say something in riposte). It makes no sense how he is so sensitive as to be scared by my illness but not connect it into practical action day to day (not that he's done nothing, he's taken me to the Dr and hospital, I mean in connection with this visit).

I really love this man despite how he comes across here but don't like feeling like an aggressor just for raising something that concerns me. He agreed that he should have listened to me and helped me have space and that their behaviour on the trip was rude. It somehow feels to have missed the point.

biscuitsandpuffin you are onto something there. I have tried too hard probably thinking 'I would hate being sat in my brother's house for 2 weeks and it would drive him.and DSIL spare'. I feel a bit forced into it as I know what the family are like- Dsis will report back to DM if the place is a tip in her view or she has a shit time and it will be me at fault. Not with DP but more widely. But you're right. If she wants to sit around someone else's living room.for 2 weeks that's her call. I just wish I had been considered a bit more by both of them when ill. As i say, I've always thought that staying at someone's home for more than say a weekend, meant doing your own thing for some of the time.

I love him very dearly and she is a nice person really. I think I need to work on my own feelings- being able to accept that we have different approaches and i don't need to feel guilty about conflict (it doesn't happen with any regularity) just because he is a less assertive person in that situation. In life he isn't.

Like billy1966 says I would just have been grateful to have been given the space I needed a bit more. It's Important to me and he knows that. Also the help. And it grinds as someone who accepts their flaws when someone who drifts around watching cartoons and being childlike and sugary sweet and passive is acting critical and quite selfish but is too much of a 'space cadet' to have to consider other people.

There was quite a bit about how he had been paralysed by worry (not his exact words) at me being so ill, then mentioned how I had.not found a place for an item since moving in 2 months ago
He sounds pathetic, no kindness towards you, more like an annoying flatmate, I'd take your item and move back out.

Well there you go. That's how he is going to be in life; a passenger waiting for mummy (that's you) to organise everything for him and jolly him along. His sister is the same, no gumption. She'll be gone soon but he'll still be there wafting around indecisively, waiting for you to pick up the slack and make it all happen so he can then complain about the bits he didn't like.

How you feel about that is up to you.

2 weeks is too long for visits ime. But I get antsy after 2 days. I have relatives who tend to waft about, doing nothing much, when they come to stay. I don’t expect much , other than they clean up after themselves and don’t expect room service. Drives me nuts.

But the bigger issue sounds like your DP doesn’t do enough. I was struck by the fact that you felt insulted at her comments that the kitchen needed a clean. It’s DPs job too . And while he may have been mentally concerned about your illness, he needed to do some practical stuff to help.

I hope this illness gets better soon. Then when you feel well, take a long look at your relationship and decide whether it’s giving you what you need.

I think you should have just left her to it. She didn't want to be dragged around a city she didn't know and you didn't really want to drag her! She was your DPs guest really, not yours. I don't organise complicated visits for my in laws when they come - I'll set out options for them and I'll come if it's a family outing but I'm not a tour guide. Do you work? If so I'd suddenly need the lounge for zoom meetings in the mornings so she'll have to hang out in her room/other space...

OP, you are still denying and explaining away your feelings.

His sister isn't lovely.

He isn't assertive in disagreements but still manages to have you apologising when he and his sister have behaved very poorly, him especially, knowing how unwell you are?

Not good.

You are young and really love him and have moved into his home?

All things that are persuading you to not be honest with yourself.

Loving someone who isn't very considerate of you isn't a wise move.

Do you really want to spend your life apologising for bringing up very valid points when you are not being treated properly?

An awful way to live.

You desperately need to start listening to your gut and what it is trying to warn you of.

If you feel off, confused, dissatisfied and wronged after you have apologised for mentioning HIS poor and selfish behaviour? ....then you need to be very careful.

Long term this is not going to be a happy loving relationship where your needs are met.

You have strong people pleaser tendencies and this leads women into long term resentment within their relationships.

I would strongly recommend that you do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk and afterwards some counselling to help you find your voice and boundaries.

You sound like a lovely woman and you deserve to be loved and valued and to most certainly not feel like you have to apologise for daring to verbalise your objection to not being treated with consideration.

That you feel obligated to apologise is ultimately on you, but it is a red flag.

The thing is to acknowledge and deal with red flags, not collect and ignore them.

Well done for posting your thread, I hope it gives you food for thought.

Not sure why you seemed to be the host and not her db....

you were too polite

the first time she said something about stains and dirt and how it would motivate her to clean, i'd tell her it sure didnt motivate her brother and im not bothered

what a pair of miserable, passive (and passive aggressive) twats...

@Fuckstix there are some red flags here that you are just ignoring and hoping will go away and they won't.

You have a massive DP problem.

He has you doing 100% of the life and mental load and when you reach out to ask for help he has you apologising. He and his brat sister treat you like a maid and you just let them.

This is really awful. You may love him but it doesn't seem like he loves you back that much.

Stop doing the housework and entertaining. Tell him you've done your fair share and now it is his turn. Then leave them to it. In fact, try to go away for a few days and stay with family and friends. When you get back, do NOT lift a finger until he has put the house back to rights and don't try to entertain the sister anymore. That is her brothers job, not yours.

If you don't stand up for yourself now, you won't have a relationship in the near future.

Don't try to rant or complain. He knows exactly what he is doing. Don't try to have drawn out conversations fighting your corner, he will manipulate you.

Tell him that you've done your fair share and now its on him to entertain and that you'd like for him to keep on top of the house chores as well and you'll see him in a few days. No arguments or discussions. Do it then go.

These two weeks might have been torture but at least they have let you clearly see that a future with this man will be worse.
You do know, I hope that men do not change. After the age of 15 they are set, y'know like concrete.
You have good advice upthread, please read that analysis and follow up on the Freedom Programme. It will be more valuable than a degree and is worthy of similar time and effort.
Keep DP for now whilst you plan your next move and be sure of your contraceptive status.

So you’re very ill and he’s letting you clean, etc, because he is ‘paralysed with concern’. Pathetic.
How did you listen to that without kicking his sorry arse out on the spot?
This is not a life partner.

You are far too generous with your time, management, organising, and money. Tell them that you are pleased to be able to give them some family time today and take yourself out for the day. This is his relative and he should be taking the lead -cleaning, planning, cooking - or even better, getting her to help.

PS, it doesn’t matter what his mother thinks. That’s not not your problem.

Is the housework share you describe above typical? Or is he doing less because his sister is there?

When does she leave? I’d let your husband take her out if she is staying any longer - leave them to it to be miserable together.

This would have done my head in. She sounds a nightmare. And you were not in the wrong.

I have to jump on the bandwagon though and say you have a DP problem. Yes, you love him, but this will be your life forever if you stay with him. Imagine having children with him. Maybe a difficult pregnancy and a c-section. Is he going to be paralysed by fear then? Because if he is your are doomed. Having children with this man will magnify his passive behaviour. Even not having children but just going through some hard life experiences when you need to pull together and both knuckle down. He's going to be floating about passively doing sweet FA!!!

Ponder the last two weeks and project forward a few years. It's not good.

Guests are like fish, they go off after three days.

Your DP saw "victim here" written on your forehead when he met you and he, along with his lazy arsed sister, have taken full advantage of your innate kindness.

And who gives a stuff what his mother thinks?.

Tell DH to take her out for the day tomorrow, no excuses, and to book lunch out on Sunday. Before lunch announce that we are all going to spend an hour /90 mins cleaning up, perhaps visitor could do the bathroom, DH could do the kitchen and you could do the lounge. Then lovely treat at restaurant!
Hang on in there, she will be gone on Sunday.

This. I'd take a long hard look at him.

Whoa there op says she loves him so that's that really.
This sounds like a culture clash of North (Europe) meets South (Europe) . I'm a northern european but have spent years in a southern country. It is challenging but not insurmountable. I expect his sister loves you to bits for being so kind to her.

I think you have fell into the trap of thinking that because it would be obvious to you to leave the host in peace, find your own entertainment etc… then others will do that too (or you can expect people to do that).

I don’t think it works that way. Often we simply need to ‘demand’ those things and act as if it was obvious this was going to happen.

In your case, I’d have gone to bed and tell them both that you are unwell and need to rest. That’s it. (And I’m sure that’s exactly what your DP would have done too). I’d made clear to DP that it’s up to him to look after her too and then not done ANYTHING
The fact they can’t communicate with each other and stay silent is their problem, not yours. You dint have to be the entertainer between two siblings!

Seriously, some times, it’s simply about actually meaning what you say.

fwiw my experience of me being (chronically) ill is that it wasn’t taken seriously when I pushed myself and did stuff even I felt awful. Because obviously I wasn’t so unwell to have an issue doing those things because otherwise I’d not be doing them??
unfortunately, pushing yourself to be nice to people/doing stuff isn’t rewarded by people taking things iff your shoulders…l

1. Stop apologising to your partner because you're no longer up to being "hostess with the most-est" for their sister. Why are they not more active in looking after their sibling? Why didn't they take time off from their work to entertain their sister?
2. Do nothing more to entertain this woman.
3. I'd even say to them "You need to go out now as I need space and time to 'clean' the mess that you highlighted earlier during your stay. We'll see you back here at 6pm for dinner. You have your bus ticket and you know how to get into town? Brilliant. See you later!" and then sit down with your feet up!
4. Talk to your partner and say that if relatives from either side of the family are coming to stay in future, it is necessary for time to be taken off work to schedule entertainment or day trips or whatever. Never again is a situation like the one you've encountered to happen, on either side of the family.
5. See point 3 again.
6. See point 2 again.

Btw when posters say that your DP is a twat and should have AUTOMATICALLY looked after you, I agree.

But the next best step is to do that for yourself and not do all the stuff that make you unwell/stop your recovery/means you are pushing yourself.

Because unfortunately, many people fall into the lazy pattern of not moving/doing stuff if there is always someone to fill in the gap.