Sense check please DP's sister staying

[Fuckstix]

Hello.all,

Huge essay sorry. It helps me.

I would just like opinions please on whether I am.out of order for feeling annoyed here and speaking up. Happy to hear if I am unfair for feeling irritated.

My partner's sister has been staying from abroad (Europe-2nd flight) for 2 weeks. She's a lovely sweet girl but I'm somewhat at the end of my tether. She leaves on Monday.

-I have been very unwell for a few weeks so unable to get out by myself much. Nobody's fault but I would have liked some occasional space to recover without a guest around during the fortnight.

-Dsis has left the house by herself twice in 2 weeks for about 30 mins to an hour at a time. The rest of the time it has been activities or trips with us in the evenings such as going for dinner or DP taking her to another city one day.

-she has parked herself on the sofa with her laptop for the entire rest of the time and showed no interest in moving. I have suggested local stuff to do that she could access. No interest. Fine, it's her holiday but I thought it was standard to.amuse yourself a bit of the time and give your hosts some space.

-she has lived abroad and speaks the language so isn't stuck not knowing how to fend for herself.

-the moment she got here she walked around the kitchen and bathroom with DP pointing out non existent 'stains' and 'filth' saying it would give her a kick to clean such a mess.

I assure you it was neither messy nor dirty. The place was clean.

I was polite but let DP know I would not be tolerating 2 weeks of that in my home. It hasn't happened since but I'm not sure whether he said anything.

-we invited friends from home (more his than hers but she has met them several times over many years) for dinner. I did everything including keep the conversation going as they both largely sat there looking overwhelmed. They shopped as I couldn't go. I cooked, cleaned and dished up. I know I'm the idiot here but the guests were coming and those two simply fannied about doing nothing. Or stayed in their rooms.

-yesterday we went to a city i know well and met some of my friends. It was on both of their suggestion.

I arranged lunch, transport around town, a boat trip, a walk in a historical wildlife park and suggested hundreds of ideas.of other things to do. Literally loads. They showed no interest in any and just complained about the weather. Then when we had had the ride and went to a nice pub I suggested after the walk she sat there moaning about how she loved museums and wanted to.go.to one. It was after 7 so none open. She moaned and sat with a pinched miserable face and petulantly asked what on earth people do in that city after 5 if museums are closed.

I had suggested loads of bloody museums we could have gone to earlier if she had said.

They had no interest in sitting and chatting in the pub or moving on, just sat in awkward silence waiting to be entertained. She kept going 'well I don't know what I want to do, I don't know the city' but wouldn't give any clue or agree to try anything. Just wandering and seeing the place was pooh-poohed as she was tired.

I eventually told them both I was going to leave them to it and meet a friend. I saw them at the station eventually and we went together in the end but it ended up being me apologising for walking off (I didn't lose my temper and was polite, I had just had enough of the complaining and passivity).

-she also moaned about the food despite her picking the cuisine. She hadn't ordered what she usually would so wasn't happy. I thought 'bloody suck it up, you tried something new. It isn't the end of the world'.

-i had a word.with DP last night about yesterday's complaining and refusal to say what she wanted to do and passivity plus pointed remarks about my planning. I apologised for wanting to leave them too. He agreed she had been rude but said said 'I just thought you were looking tired' as though it was me causing the issue.

-she's been back.on the sofa today and has left the living room a mess from breakfast.

I know none of this is crime of the century but I can't wait for her to leave. I just don't get why he hasn't made more effort and she hasn't done her own thing at all. They're both very gentle and sweet whereas I'm quite straightforward and outgoing but I see them both in a bit of a different light now.

He hasn't put the dishwasher on once or a wash, or changed the cat litter, I've done all the cooking and paid for a meal out, neither have taken the bin or recycling out once.

I just feel they're wafting around taking the piss but being in the right because they're gentle characters and I'm more sparky.

I want to say they're entitled to behave however they want and I'm entitled to feel however I want but it feels like I'm being unreasonable to even feel this way when they're so passive and soft together. I can't just leave the cleaning because of her remarks about the place.

I feel.so mean for not pasting on a smile yesterday and voicing (politely) my issue with her comments and want to.know if others would have been happy with all.of this. I think I am.an introvert and wonder if others would be happy with a guest sitting on the sofa for 2 weeks.

Can I also point out that if you were as ill as someone else being "paralysed by worry" they have done zero, nothing, nada, rien, nichts to actually help here? They haven't cleaned the bathroom or the kitchen and neither has their sibling. They are living there, creating the mess and not cleaning up after everyone, not just themselves. Why is that? Why do you have to be the 'cleaner upper' here? Even when you're ill???

He also never found a space for the thing that was obviously irking him after 2 months. Why didn't he just put it away or somewhere and say "This is where X is going to be located now" and just deal with it. He sounds really irritating and you don't need that when you're ill.

2 weeks is long enough. Tell her she needs to go home. If that doesn’t get her moving, out her to work cleaning like she bragged she wanted to do. Give her very messy, tedious jobs to do and I guarantee she’ll be gone in a flash.

Anytime one needs to get someone to leave or quit coming over is to put them to work.

Tell her to go out- this afternoon, or tomorrow (pr both), alone or with your dp.

Thanks so much everyone:, too tired and dizzy to reply individually but you've all really helped.

Definitely there are aspects of northern/ southern European clash also me trying too hard. I do feel a bit uneasy about the future though although I haven't the energy to think in detail.

I was left feeling very uncomfortable at Christmas when his parents started a long and very grave conversation about me, in front of me (it was to do with not speaking their language well)and he was pushing back but didn't change the subject or take any control (I understand a lot but don't speak confidently). I felt horribly guilty for being uncomfortable at that as though I was causing problems between him and his family.

It's a complicated family and I do feel responsible for supporting him as I have withstood a lot in my life and he isn't as tough in some ways.

We did feel like soul mates but this 2 weeks has been hard. Wish I could just have taken it all in good humour.

They've both finally buggered off out. Lunch first. Something I cooked a couple of days ago. Plates and leftovers all over the kitchen. Didn't offer to bring me any when I was in bed feeling crap. Downstairs is strewn with her stuff.

I would have thought of him if he was ill and hadn't eaten.

Please leave the dirty dishes there for them to return to. It is not your job to clear up after them.

Rest and recuperate.

Send your DH a photo of the state that he's left the place in and say that you expect BOTH of them to clean up after themselves going forwards. This is not a hotel and if they expected kitchen and room service and housekeeping to be done, they should have moved into a hotel to get it!
State you're not well and this is an insult to you to come down to such a disgusting mess!

I think DP is assertive but in a different way. He won't engage in discussions and you end up apologising to him. He's got you cooking and cleaning for everyone and he doesn't help. You're unwell and he doesn't care for you. He's getting exactly what he wants.

As pp said, take photos and tell him this is unacceptable bullshit.

Is he really a viable partner?

I won't be touching a single plate, no worries there.

God love you OP if this is what being "paralysed with fear" looks like to you.

He clearly couldn't give a monkeys about anyone but himself.

He thinks you are the house skivvy and is treating you thus.🙄

I feel sorry for you, but he is showing repeatedly exactly who he is.

Honestly, this doesn't sound like a relationship between soul mates.

Hmm…. I have a north/south marriage as well as the language issue (dh doesn’t my mother tongue)l
However
1- my parents would never have dare speaking about me in front of me like this. It was extremely rude.
2- I’d have translated what was going on to DH. So HE could have a say.
3- neither of us behave in that way.

It’s not a north/south issue.

im wondering why yo have some feeling of responsibility towards him tbh. He isnt a child and, if anything, he should be the one to support you if he has had much less hardship than you??

Basically what your are saying is that he is acting like a child and is hoping you’ll take care if him like his mum. Which the events if the last 2 weeks seem to confirm too.

Can you go of home for a few days? Or somewhere else.
Leave them to it, recover yourself and have a think about what you want?

Thanks for this, I appreciate it and it's helped me see clearly. I somehow made it about me causing a problem but no, you're right, that is rude in anyone's culture.

Why do I feel responsible for someone... that comes from much earlier. I was made to feel all sorts of things were my fault and now it's my default. I have done therapy etc but it's quite deeply ingrained. I have a tendency to want to look after people too.

We had it out about the mess etc. He said his sister and he were questioning whether I was really ill (it's am unusually nasty exacerbation of a physical condition I've had for decades, I'm usually fine) and thought I was spending time in bed out of anger with them. I've explained the situation really clearly and spent a lot of time with her.

So theyre making themselves some sort of delicate victims and me an aggressor just because I've asked them to do something other than loll on the sofa all day every day. This wasn't every day or most days. I was utterly hurt and sad. Nobody has accused me of using my condition as an excuse for anything before and I have worked bloody hard to make my life a success despite it.

It's poor timing that it coincides with her visit but I can't believe they've made this all about themselves and me feeling pushed to apologise again. I've been nothing but kind to her (I was never angry in front of her or unreasonably so with him, the only time maybe when i left to meet a friend but i was polite and clear, not rude or angry) and have only ever asked him to arrange a bit of space at intervals so I can recover in my own home without having to constantly make conversation with someone I don't know enormously well. Not every day. Nothing personal. No reason he couldn't manage that nicely.

Sorry for the rant, I was just a bit disbelieving about that. I have no idea where he has got the idea from. If I was well I would simply take myself out.

So not paralysed with fear at all then?

Just doesn't believe that you were unwell at all?

So he really is the selfish lazy liar we thought he is.

So nasty.

He couldn't possibly genuinely care about you and behave, think and say that.

God love you OP if you think this awful man, with his rude awful family are all you deserve.

Your self worth must be on the floor.

Get back to therapy before its too late.

Look at moving out asap is my advice.

I was really knocked for six by that. Yeah. I'm going to reevaluate everything as soon as I don't feel so exhausted etc.

I honestly thought I had found a good un but that is just weak and self serving.

How bloody difficult is it to say 'you're more than welcome to stay. We want you here and will see a lot of you but my DP is really not well at the minute so here are a few ideas of places to go yourself for couple of the days. Happy to give you a lift to the station'. Who the fuck just ignores clear signals that someone is struggling.

Yeah, he's not your knight in shining armour.

He's a bit of a shit to be honest.

Neither he nor his sister actually believed you were unwell. That's despicable. So you would have had to have a severed limb or something that they could see like vomiting to believe you were sick. What about all of the 100's of hidden illnesses that are out there - do they think that the people affected by those illnesses are faking it too????

Can I ask if the place you're staying in is yours alone, yours with him or his alone? If it's yours alone, then I'd be kicking them both out with immediate effect!

They are not sweet or gentle natured. They are spoilt, ineffectual, lazy, unorganised, whining, petulant, immature who want the world serves to them on a silver plate just so they can then complain about it.

Is this not another attempt at manipulation? You being sick inconveniences them. So they pretended they thought you weren't unwell so you could continue to skivvy for them

He’s not passive and gentle. He’s deeply unkind and selfish and makes you feel he is gentle and you have to do everything in a manipulative and unpleasant way. Nothing you have said about him makes him sound like a catch.

sorry you’re ill . focus on getting better and then move out.

My ex would never agree I was unwell. But You Look Fine was his mantra. Migraines that had my head down the loo but I looked fine. His solution was to get his dps over to watch the dc while he woke me every half an hour to say I looked better.
Exh.

Even better now a dead exh.
Get rid op. This is the real him.

Oh you poor love.

Time to put yourself first.

Neither of them (or their extended family) ever will.

Please don't live the rest of your life like this.

He and his sister are two nasty ugly people.

He also is a manipulative liar.

Don't lift another finger in that house and 100% focus on minding yourself.

So the minute you are well you can move out and dump the selfish prick.

If you have family or friends who can help and support you with a room, reach out.

He's a Class A prick, believe me.