How to end an affair.

[Unknowncreature]

I am in a destructive affair, both to my mental health, marriage and children. The affair is now stripped down to just hooking up for sex really. The other man basically calls the shots, and no part of his character is attractive to me in the least at the moment as he gives me nothing. I constantly wait for him to text me and sneak off when I can . But typically I yearn for his contact and respond to him and obviously provide him with the ego boost that he wants.
I need to figure out why I am doing this and put a stop to my behaviour. I feel like I am in self-destruct mode. I need to find some respect for my marriage and myself. Please give it to me straight. I am particularly interested in those who have been through similar or who have been in limerence with someone and have managed to break away. I cannot afford counselling.

If he gives you nothing and all you're getting is cold hard sex then you might as well start charging for it. At least you'd get something out of it.

This isn't going to go well here.

Find some rl therapy.

Are you prepared to lose everything? That's what you are risking

What are you addicted to?

I cannot afford counselling.

Can you afford a divorce?

Oh this is going to go well

After a lifetime of thinking that affaires are completely pointless I have recently noticed that lift of the heart when someone gets in touch.

It makes us so, so vulnerable

If seriously encourage you to find someone to talk to in real life. Probably a therapist or certainly someone skilled in having difficult conversations.

It's all very well asking for a kicking on MN but there is a lot at stake for you. You need the right space to unpick what you are really getting from this in order to be able to replace that with something less damaging.

All the best best.

Close your eyes and think of telling your children that you won't be living with them all the time because you had a boyfriend and now your husband wants a divorce.

I don’t understand this. You don’t seem to like him and feel used by him, yet…?

Just end it, just like you would any relationship that no longer serves you. Say, ‘it’s run its course. I don’t want to see you again. Don’t contact me again’. Then block him.

See a therapist if you want to talk it through after you’ve done that.

You will have to go cold turkey. Get a new phone. Get a new job if he's at work. Completely blank him at every opportunity.

You’re making your husband live a lie. The only way to move on from this is to come clean.

From what you say you are just a sex toy for the affair man he has no respect or feelings for you and he knows you are gagging for it and when he calls you he knows you will be up for it.

I have no judgement about open marriages and men and women expressing themselves sexually and with whom ever they want to however, making a life partner live a lie is very wrong to me.

And some charities provide free counselling or students studying counselling charge lower rates.

You're thriving on being wanted and the attention he gives you that validates you but you know full well it's at his convenience and that he doesn't actually provide that validation outside of the second he's thinking about his own needs.

That's the reason to end it. You're not getting anything out of this except more delusion.

The best way to end your affair is to tell your husband what's been going on.

There's obviously something very wrong in your relationship to be this desperate for crumbs from a creep so telling your husband will either end the marriage or get you both working hard at it.

Stop degrading your self in this way and stop living a lie and keeping your husband in the dark.

You can't afford not to sort this out, if you don't have the money for an initial block of therapy sessions, then you need to get digging yourself.

I'd suggest you start journalling, that can be really helpful to give you some perspective and reflection on what you're doing and why, and see patterns, however given the nature of what you're trying to deal with it's probably not a good idea to have the details discoverable.

If you want it to stop you need to stop it, you need to go cold turkey, delete the numbers, go scorched earth, tell him you never want to hear from him again and it is over without question, you value your family too much, he means nothing to you, then back yourself up by meaning it.

Now the shine has worn off you're left with a nasty habit much like a drug that you know isn't serving you in general, but it is paying you in some way, you need to work out what that is to stop it reocurring. If it's low self esteem you've got yourself into a vicious circle, because the affair is sending your self esteem lower and lower, and so it goes.

Op you are being used.
You are not having an affair... you are being used for sex.
You are just a hole.. no connection, no emotion.... just a hole.
Get some self respect

Just tell him to piss off, done.

Swap him for another lover who treats you better

total no contact and therapy

Tell your husband.
Apart from anything else your lover is probably shagging many other women so you are risking his sexual health.

Also the fall out will stop your addiction fairly quickly.
However as I very much doubt you will tell DH as someone mentioned up thread therapy will be a darn sight cheaper than divorce.

Don’t let yourself be used by this man.
just think about how it’s affecting your children and how you can’t give them all of your attention. They deserve so much better.
many mum had an affair for years and it ruined by teenage years. We knew it was going on. She wasn’t present for us.
she lied to my dad and to us.
for your own self respect tell him you don’t have time for it anymore and you want to focus on yourself and family.

Tell him to use a sex worker

You are being used as pp said and you are addicted to it all, the drama, the secrets. Maybe you don't feel.you are worthy of anything more.

Either way, take back control. End this. Block him and go cold turkey, because he does not care for you.

Then take time to look at the why you wanted somebody else and what you're going to do about it.

Affairs happen. You are human.

I would go get an STD check. Once clear (hopefully) tell him you no longer wish to continue the arrangement. He will probably up the anti to try and change your mind, pretending he loves you or to be a romantic but the bottom line is it’s all to get in your pants and he’s thinking with his dick.
Your children and family are worth so much more than this! If you’re not happy with DH then be upfront with him and split.. you are making him live a lie here agree with other posters. He’ll find out eventually if it continues.

All you need to do is to decide you’re done with this, really done. No going back done. And then find some resolve to stop. Block, delete and find other things to fill the hole that this situation is currently fulfilling for you. Do some Introspection as to why. Distract yourself for long enough to not go back there.

Because from your description this is not working for you anymore, and it probably never was.