How to end an affair.

[Unknowncreature]

I am in a destructive affair, both to my mental health, marriage and children. The affair is now stripped down to just hooking up for sex really. The other man basically calls the shots, and no part of his character is attractive to me in the least at the moment as he gives me nothing. I constantly wait for him to text me and sneak off when I can . But typically I yearn for his contact and respond to him and obviously provide him with the ego boost that he wants.
I need to figure out why I am doing this and put a stop to my behaviour. I feel like I am in self-destruct mode. I need to find some respect for my marriage and myself. Please give it to me straight. I am particularly interested in those who have been through similar or who have been in limerence with someone and have managed to break away. I cannot afford counselling.

Hi @Unknowncreature I tried to send a PM but couldn't get it to work.

I made a thread here at the time but didn't say in the thread that the bloke was married. This was a few years ago and I hadn't been on these boards long- just a feeling I had. That way you get advice about the 'relationship'/interaction itself based on how awful the bloke is.

It further encourages you to see the light and bin him. You could do it in a couple of days under a different name.

Of course I'm not saying you shouldn't listen to the advice on your current thread, too.

You just need to tell him straight out, that it’s the end of the affair. Block him then on everything he’s got you on. You don’t sound like you want to be doing this. Are you doing it to suit him? You’re being used and you’re getting absolutely nothing out of it. You’re just used to it now and it’s routine but you need to break that. Messaging you when he’s free to come and have s** because he’s free and can slot you in? Forget him and block!

tell your husband about the affair so he can decide what he wants to do. The man you are cheating with has absolutely zero respect for you and is sleeping with you simply because he can. I can point this out as you say he is calling the shots and is basically treating you as nothing more than a booty call. he has no respect or care for you. I am sorry but you are little more than a shag to him and he needs blocking out of your life.
The more you carry on with this affair the worse it will be for your mental state. You aren’t getting what you need from this man, he isn’t treating you well at all and I think your self esteem must be rock bottom for you to allow yourself to be treated like this.

Walk away before everyone gets hurt, he is not worth hurting your family for. X

Surely this is a troll post

I am in a similar situation, although I have some clarity as to what I am doing. I know why I am doing it yet I don’t seem to be able to stop. In my case I fancied this person for many years, I found out it was mutual yet it took a further 10 years for it to become physical. It has been physical for 4 years now. I can relate to the contact ve

hit send by accident … contact being like a drug. What I know now is that I am love with being in love with someone I can’t have… if he was available to me I ultimately don’t think I’d want him.

Affairs are disgusting. You’re treating your husband appallingly and risk fucking your kids up.

Tell your husband, end the relationship with the other bloke and put your kids first ffs.

Great response.

Please do seek help from a therapist op.

Why do you think you're in self-destruct mode? What do you dislike/are unhappy with?

Exactly what I came on to say. If she was a man she'd have been ripped to shreds.

Leave your husband if you aren't happy.

If you're AP doesn't make you happy leave him too.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself for a mess you created.

Take a minute out your day to think about your own children and all the awfulness they'll need to go through once the affair comes to light and you can't co parent properly because of it. Because I guarantee you once your H finds out he'll be upset.

But you keep feeling sorry for yourself. You're the only one who matters.

*your

Basically you feel sad now you realise you're being used and are now trying to paint the AP as the bad one when you are both as bad as each other.

Is it a self esteem thing? Like you want to feel desired, even if that moment is fleeting?

What is missing from your marriage? That is what needs to be recognised for you to move forward.

Is the sex even good/satisfying with this guy you’re hooking up with?

It is so hard. I know, I’ve been there. Find a hobby or something you want to learn/enjoy and block the guy. Invest all your time and energy into your new hobby/course/learn a new language/gym. Not only are you bettering yourself (so your self esteem increases), but you’re also taking back control in where you channel your energy.

I have written with empathy for the OP, but not out of double standards. If a bloke were to soul-search about having an affair, I'd do the same. People are not perfect and life is complicated.

I struggled with this. And ultimately I didn't have the strength to end it until it all.came crashing down around my ears.

I had to find the money for counselling and the money for divorce and it took me years to recover from the trauma.

I don't know how you end it other than sending him the message that it's over and block, delete EVERYTHING and leave no way of getting back in touch.

You will then need to pick up the pieces of your life and try to piece it back together. Does your work or your DH work provide some free counselling service, many employers do. Just call them or call the Samaritans because this will be hard to get through alone. I'd avoid friends as they won't really understand.

Good luck and I hope you can be stronger than I was

To be honest I’d get a loan for the therapy
as this is your life and your kids life

something is really off with your self worth and this is how it’s manifesting (and you are not alone in this )

It’s very hard when you get stuck in something so bad , and it’s primarily the attention etc

but one way or another it will fuck you and the kids up
and your husband too

I’m not having a go , but sometimes we need a helping hand to make the right decision

Seems OP isnt likely to come back…

Well , all the best to her

I know from experience sometimes you need years of wise MN posts to make the change

as it is ….

I imagine what you're doing in responding to him now is chasing the high you got in the beginning and looking to recapture whatever was so special its made you sacrifice so much of your integrity and self esteem.
Its bad enough to behave in an ultimately self destructive way if the prize seems worth it. When it doesn't, well that's a lot to take in, and so you keep chasing to try and find the justification.
There's also going to be something of a Pavlovian response. You've learned to associate his texts and your meet ups with huge high and excitement and it takes a while to retrain your brain.
You will also likely be fearing that the gap in your life that led to the affair will be a chasm without it, so are hanging on to even a bad situation rather than face the void.
However, take heart, once you off load this situation your life will improve in many ways. Imagine the freedom of not caring if your phone goes. Imagine being free of the exhaustion and guilt of lies and sneaking about. To be able to give the people you're with your full attention, rather than having him constantly taking up headspace. To move forward in life with integrity and authenticity rather than always knowing you're not who people think you are.
Whatever happens in the rest of your life and marriage, you will feel better without carrying this huge sack of rubbish around with you.

Hi OP, you’ve been given a lot of good advice here so I will try not to repeat what’s already been said.
OP, it might be useful for you to read through some postings on other threads, by those who’ve been on the receiving end of unfaithful spouses/partners. The sadness and upheaval caused by affairs is surely hell on earth.
Please familiarise yourself with real life stories of unimaginable misery brought about by cheating - broken families, financial hardships, resentment, divorce courts, solicitors, shared custody etc. etc.
Let that motivate you to consider your ways soberly. There is more than enough suffering in the world, please don’t add more.
Go back to the beginning, what drive you into another man’s arms? Why couldn’t you tell your husband you wanted out, instead of lying?
Don’t put your hope in counselling alone - begin now to ask yourself some difficult questions and be honest with yourself. Take control of your life and conduct yourself with dignity.

I'm not surprised, after the first responses! So much for support on MN