Fair split of finances

[Anonfin]

Just needed another opinion as me and my DP both think we are paying more than we should be! We both earn about the same amount if we both worked full time (eg before having child). Now I work 3 days a week and he works full time. We still split all the bills 50:50 (as we continued to do during my mat leave) but my DP pays for all the food shopping (which he does and cooks or sorts out food every eve) while I pay for the nursery bill (and do most of the childcare when LO is not in nursery). He has other expenses due to his job that I don’t have but does this sound fair?

Why don’t you pay into a joint account, you 3/10 and him 7/10, and then just take what’s needed out of that.
And you should both be having equal time off for hobbies etc.

You have not given enough information.

The number of days worked is a red herring, it's how much each of you takes home which matters.

Did you continue to receive full pay on mat leave?

Is the food bill comparable to the nursery fees?

I hope you got full (or close to) full pay on maternity leave or you definitely paid too much then.

Otherwise - not enough to go on. But couples genuinely go with paying for essential costs (which includes bills, food and all necessary household costs and job expenses but not e.g. hobby costs) in proportion to their take home salaries, or putting all money into a joint account and leaving themselves the same amount of personal money.

Irrelevant how many days you work really.

Put it all in one pot and pay for everything out of that.

Neither one of us have ever paid for the food shop or the nursery bill or worked out what proportion of whose money covered anything. It's just family money.

If you are earning 3/5 of what he is then no its not fair. I would have a bills pot you both contribute to proportionately then you've not got the split and debates and messaging that the child's expenses are your responsibility.

Transfer into the joint bank account based on percentage of salaries- you 3/5 of his, pay for all joint expenses out of this. Better still have a joint bank account and put everything in

Also should have same access to fun money not proportionately to your wage.

Our grocery/household bill is the biggest expense after our mortgage, how much is spent on food compared to nursery?

I agree with PP you need a shared bill pot which you both contribute to in proportion to your earnings and all household expenditure comes out of that.

I think it's important that the nursery fees come out of a joint account so that he knows how much it costs and doesn't see all child related expenses as your responsibility.

Tbh this is why we don't pay individual bills, they change.
I have a spreadsheet I enter our incomes at the top which fluctuate due to on call, unsocial payments etc, then it's set up to deduct all bills, then a budget for groceries and household spending, which gives a subtotal, then amounts for saving for us and for DS are deducted . Whatever is left is split in half and that's what we get into our personal accounts for spends. I earn more so I usually pay more in. DH had a bumper load of overtime recently and a bonus so he paid more in that month.

Nursery costs are similar to the food costs but food can obviously vary. We tried a joint account before but we have very different spending habits. DP will spend everything available whereas I prefer to save what I can!

You have your own accounts, and direct debit an agreed amount into the joint account to cover all outgoings.

Oh, DP is also self employed so his weekly earnings vary, he doesn’t get holiday pay and he doesn’t keep track of what he spends on food/other stuff! So it’s tricky to set up a new arrangement!

Why does he think it’s fair you pay 50/50 when you’re earning less because you’re looking after your joint child? And why was it your job to fund your maternity leave? Why wasn’t that a 50/50 cost? Does he think a child is your hobby? My god men have it easy these days, you have to pay half the bills AND do the childcare? No, I don’t think so. And he thinks HE is paying too much?!!

Personally I’d go back to work full time and split the childcare costs, more because I’d never want to make myself financially vulnerable for a man, especially one I wasn’t married to, but that’s your call, just be careful not to financially cripple yourself. And I hope he’s doing 50/50 with housework and not expecting you to do it during your 2 days at home?

With a variable income and no record of his outgoings how has he worked out he's paying more than his fair share?

His inability to manage his finances or set a budget is not a good reason to split everything 50:50 if one of you earns significantly less.

Do you see each others bank statements?

@FOJN I think he’s just annoyed that I’m not contributing to the food shopping money!

But yeah I need to see his bank statements really and work out what he’s getting and where it’s going!

How much money do you each have to spend/save each month after all bills/childcare/food etc has been paid for? Is it roughly equal, or does one have more than the other?

Would you be better off financially if you worked FT or would the childcare costs cancel out your extra earnings. If you would be better off, was it your choice to reduce to 3 days or a mutual decision that you both wanted?

But why does he think you should contribute to that, but he doesn’t have to contribute to child care costs?

You pay into a joint account and you each keep your own personal accounts for personal spending. This way 'spending habits' don't come into it. My dh does way more shopping for what I consider unnecessary things, but doesn't matter, because he doesn't spend our joint money on it. Joint account pays for all food, childcare, holidays, meals out as a family, bills, mortgage, children's clothes and shoes, presents, etc. You should be paying less because you are earning less to save you both jointly on childcare costs.

My dh is also self-employed. It's not at all difficult to figure out how much he earns. He has to do taxes every year and is paying his employees and looking at accounts every month. He will know how much money he draws out of the business on average for his living expenses and other costs. You take that amount and compare it to your salary and then you can easily work out how much you each need to contribute proportionately to spending. It doesn't matter what he spends on 'food and other stuff' as surely that's his personal spending. You both pay into the joint account first and what is leftover each month is for your personal spending, and then he can only spend up to that much on 'food and stuff'. It's quite simple. You'll be amazed how much more you are paying relative to him, I bet.

Anything relating to house or children should be 50/50 if you both earn the same.

So add up
All bills
Food
Childcare
And split down the middle and put in a joint account, then you do what you want with your leftover bit and he does what he wants.

I agree with PP he will have to keep accounts for tax purposes so although his weekly income may vary he will know how much he earns over the year. If he has any sense he will have a business account and pay himself a set wage into a personal account.

If he works in a trade and is a self employed sole trader then good luck, in my experience the majority of them are absolutely chaotic with money, the few that are not make a very good living.

You need to sit down and calculate all household expenses and how much you are both earning. If he is earning 3k a month and you are earning 2k (for example) then the split should be 60/40, paid into a join account, out of which all household expenses are paid.

A single pot of family money won't work if one of you is reckless with money and could potentially jeopardise the whole family's financial security.

I think one issue is that he doesn’t know how much he really spends on the food shopping but it’s probably more than I would because he eats a lot and likes nice food (and ends up wasting quite a bit too!)

Great so he's selfishly extravagant and wasteful and somehow that means he's paying more than his fair share. Not enough eye rolls in the world for that kind of illogical shit.

@FOJN This is the why I don’t contribute to his food shopping and I’m reluctant to include it in a joint spending account!

@FOJN But I also don’t really want to be responsible for the food shopping and cooking myself! 😂