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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Abusive but only now & again...

34 replies

Ihatethezoo · 03/08/2023 07:11

Would you leave a relationship, kids & pregnant or sit tight.
Oh can be abusive but it's once, twice 3 times a year at most. It was good for months, even a year. Tried for a baby there was one episode then great for months.
It always seems to he my fault tho or I start it. I feel like I am just waiting for the next thing to happen so I have a real reason to leave. I feel terrible but can't relax Into pregnancy. I am looking at different schools, I am not content. Also how do you leave with kids, being pregnant, have pets & have no where else to go?
Would it be wise to wait until after Xmas when baby would be a few months old? Hope things become better?
There's no intimacy as I can't bring myself to hug or sleep close after the last argument which was a month ago.
He said he wanted to work on things and look after me, I've had about 3 cups of tea made since, I'm stil cooking his tea.
I'm also ill at the minute on antibiotics he's not even offered Me a glass of water when I couldn't sleep due to coughing.
He just sits on the couch on his phone every night after work, until bed. He has walked the dog a handful of times. Everything else is upto me.

OP posts:
fancreek · 03/08/2023 07:42

He just sits on the couch on his phone every night after work, until bed. He has walked the dog a handful of times. Everything else is upto me.

Why do you think that this is what you deserve? And a man who (I assume) hits you a few times a year? This is not a life for you or your children. Please leave and have the chance to be happy again!

DustyLee123 · 03/08/2023 07:42

Abusive is abusive, now matter how often it is.
Go now before baby is born, it will be easier.

Original poster
Ihatethezoo · 03/08/2023 07:44

Sorry I should have said never physically, just verbal, name calling , shouting but again it's few & far between @fancreek

OP posts:
QuintessentiallyScottish · 03/08/2023 07:47

It always seems to he my fault tho or I start it.

Because you're reacting to something he has said or done? They set you up to react to them so they can call themselves the victim.

I feel like I am just waiting for the next thing to happen so I have a real reason to leave.

You already have a real reason. The next thing might be something that has rest of your life consequences. Why wait?

Please contact Women's Aid, their support is invaluable Flowers

DustyLee123 · 03/08/2023 07:48

Abuse can escalate during pregnancy, or when the new baby appears, so keep yourself safe.
If you are ever scared, ring 999.

OvertiredandConfused · 03/08/2023 07:49

The only reason you need to leave a relationship is that you no longer want to be in it.

Azaeleasinbloom · 03/08/2023 08:08

Your post sounds like you are very unhappy with this man OP. As pp suggested, please call Women’s Aid. They may well be able to help you see a path out of this.

INeedAnotherName · 03/08/2023 08:13

Unfortunately it will get worse the longer you stay. He will never change as he is living a good life doing nothing at home. So you either accept him as he is or leave. (psst, leave)

Whose house is it? Do you have access to your own miney/job after maternity?

Original poster
Ihatethezoo · 03/08/2023 08:17

Thank you all and @Azaeleasinbloom I think you are right, I'm at a point now where I don't know why women would want to be with or live with a man I can't see the appeal.
I do feel down & depressed mostly but trying not too as I have the kids off and wanting to give them a nice summer holidays.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihatethezoo · 03/08/2023 08:19

No it's his house I have no access to money just what he transfers to me. I'm out of work too as only work term time. But won't return after the 6 weeks as il be heavily pregnant by then. I don't qualify for maternity pay either as I only done agency work and it wasn't consistent. @INeedAnotherName

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 03/08/2023 08:20

DustyLee123 · 03/08/2023 07:42

Abusive is abusive, now matter how often it is.
Go now before baby is born, it will be easier.

This.

100% this.

Doesn't matter if it's now and again or every day.
If someone is abusive, they are abusive. End of.

parietal · 03/08/2023 08:24

Can you do online work? Look up sites like prolific where you get paid to do questionnaires and there are others that do transcribing. Look on the £10 per day threads. If you can do a bit and earn money, you can stash it in a separate account as your escape fund.

Original poster
Ihatethezoo · 03/08/2023 08:30

I will look into that thank you @parietal
The thing Is I was waiting for something to happen as my memory has gone terrible and I'm not good at arguing my point. He will say when did I say that or ask for examples and my mind goes blank. Then I'm thinking is it me? Am I being abusive because I have sworn at him, he says I called him a dickhead so I am also abusive to him, and we need to both work on things.

OP posts:
Naunet · 03/08/2023 09:11

Ihatethezoo · 03/08/2023 08:19

No it's his house I have no access to money just what he transfers to me. I'm out of work too as only work term time. But won't return after the 6 weeks as il be heavily pregnant by then. I don't qualify for maternity pay either as I only done agency work and it wasn't consistent. @INeedAnotherName

God OP, you’re in a really vulnerable position, you need to fix this. Do you have any way out, should you need it? Parents you can stay with or something like that?

QuintessentiallyScottish · 03/08/2023 09:13

They accuse you of doing to them what they are doing to you. Do not doubt yourself, he is abusive.

Please do contact Women's Aid, they will be able to advise on practicalities about money and any benefits you may be entitled to. And most importantly how to keep yourself and your children safe.

Thistooshallpsss · 03/08/2023 09:25

Op you might be entitled to maternity allowance you apply to the government for that.

INeedAnotherName · 03/08/2023 09:39

If you are both abusive to each other (and I highly doubt that), then the relationship is toxic and needs ending for the children's sake. He has the financial means to leave so why hasn't he? Big clue, it's not you being abusive.

Please contact Women's Aid for the best advice or contact your GP or health visitor. You must explain you are in an abusive relationship and need help with leaving and they should signpost you to the relevant services.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

I need help - information and support on domestic abuse

Not sure if you're experiencing abuse? Worried about someone else? If you or a friend need help, we are here. Learn more about our information and support.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support

christmasbarbie · 03/08/2023 09:42

I have been in this situation, it's hard but there is a way out. Contact women's aid as soon as it's safe to do so. you need to get out, it doesn't matter if it's only verbal it can escalate, and probably will. Right now make sure you know where all your important things are (birth certificate etc). If you can put them all together somewhere safe do that, if not just make sure you no where they are. Not sure if you have other kids. But if you have a dd do you want her thinking she should be treated that way by her partner. Or if you have a dc do you want him thinking that's how you treat their partner

Original poster
Ihatethezoo · 03/08/2023 10:21

Hi thanks all, I do have 2 other dc and pets so can't just up and leave to stay with family, especially since we are not in danger. He I'd being ok right now.
I will contact womans aid for advice on thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihatethezoo · 03/08/2023 10:22

@christmasbarbie I hope youe OK now, how did u get yourself out and sorted.

OP posts:
christmasbarbie · 03/08/2023 10:34

Ihatethezoo · 03/08/2023 10:22

@christmasbarbie I hope youe OK now, how did u get yourself out and sorted.

Yes I'm ok now, my situation was over 10 years ago. I contacted women's aid who helped me a lot.it was hard but worth it.

Alicenwonderland · 03/08/2023 11:00

How much abuse is too much abuse? I'd imagine its actually a lot more than three or four times a year, you're probably just thinking of the major blow ups like I did. I expect there's quite a bit more abuse going on that you've gotten so used to you think it's normal. You are in a very vulnerable position especially as you are pregnant, lots of men ramp up the abuse at this time. Mine did. Then he was able to gaslight and blame me, it was my hormones ect. I tried to leave mine after I had the baby (our second one together, I had two from a previous relationship) but it was too difficult. A baby, a toddler, a tween and a teen. We were apart a month and he promised to change and get counselling. He obviously didn't, the abuse ramped up and he would then taunt me that I'd never leave him. I did, after 8 years together, after numerous violent incidents towards my older children and myself. Please contact womens aid, they can support you. Also your health visitor will be very supportive.

Sprogonthetyne · 03/08/2023 11:34

There's no need to wait, your unhappy now so start making plans. Doesn't mean you need to leave tomorrow, but start getting things quietly in place.

You may qualify for maternity allowance if you worked for 13 weeks in the 66 weeks before due date. The eligibility is here
www.gov.uk/maternity-allowance/what-youll-get

You will also be entitled to child benefit, make sure this is paid to you not partner. If they are a high earner, your partner may have to pay it back through tax. If doing this will put you in danger wait until you have left, but you can plan it in future budget.

Once you leave you will likely also qualify for universal credit, and with a new baby will be put in the no requirement to work category. Use an online calculator like 'turn to us' to get an idea of what you might get.

Tell your midwife and/or health visitor for older children, that you are experiencing domestic abuse. If it's documented then it can be used to put you in a higher priority band for council housing (as you can't safely stay at current home, so are effectively homeless).

Get yourself on the waiting list for council housing either way. Although it will be very dependent on area how quicklythey can help you.

Start squirreling money away, eg. If you get shopping, ask for £10/20 cash back and stash it. Then it's there for emergencies, and in time could cover rent deposit, if the council doesn't get you somewhere.

If you have someone you trust who can store stuff for you, get important documents and some essential out of the house. If they have the space you could also look out for anything offed on pass it on sites, that will be needed when you leave, and ask them to keep until your ready.

That's all the practical steps I can think of for now, but once you get through to women's aid, they will be able to guide you.

Best of luck to you, wether you leave next week or next year.

Original poster
Ihatethezoo · 03/08/2023 12:02

Thanks so much @Sprogonthetyne that's helpful and other comments. I will start the above . I feel ashamed phoning womans aid tho,

OP posts:
JibbaJab · 03/08/2023 18:28

That's how it works it's always your fault and never theirs, you have to accept responsibility and change but they never have to. They are perfect, superior.

I can't speak for others but for me it started off sporadic, only a couple of times here and there, mostly verbal. Then it ramped up in intensity and became more frequent was months, then weeks, sometimes days apart and included the full toolkit including physical at times. In the end it was like, wonder if today is gonna be a good day or not. Wake up fine and by afternoon sometime changed, never knew day to day.

So, yeah I would say...be wary and get support and plan accordingly and be careful how you do it if you do because it could hit a nerve.

Also, don't ever feel ashamed, nobody should be treated that way in a relationship and it can get a lot worse and that's what they are there for.

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