Abusive but only now & again...

[Ihatethezoo]

Would you leave a relationship, kids & pregnant or sit tight.
Oh can be abusive but it's once, twice 3 times a year at most. It was good for months, even a year. Tried for a baby there was one episode then great for months.
It always seems to he my fault tho or I start it. I feel like I am just waiting for the next thing to happen so I have a real reason to leave. I feel terrible but can't relax Into pregnancy. I am looking at different schools, I am not content. Also how do you leave with kids, being pregnant, have pets & have no where else to go?
Would it be wise to wait until after Xmas when baby would be a few months old? Hope things become better?
There's no intimacy as I can't bring myself to hug or sleep close after the last argument which was a month ago.
He said he wanted to work on things and look after me, I've had about 3 cups of tea made since, I'm stil cooking his tea.
I'm also ill at the minute on antibiotics he's not even offered Me a glass of water when I couldn't sleep due to coughing.
He just sits on the couch on his phone every night after work, until bed. He has walked the dog a handful of times. Everything else is upto me.

It's not your shame to carry @Ihatethezoo , he is the abusive one. The first time I met my WA support worker I said that I didn't think I should be there. She said every single woman who goes to them says that. And it's a cold day in hell when they tell a woman she doesn't need to be there, sadly.

Do be careful about changing your behaviour, try and keep things as normal as possible - they can sense when something's 'off' so might escalate the abuse. They might also be on their best behaviour, which is designed to have you think it's all over and will be safe to stay. It never is, please do phone them and get the support you need

Abuse IS intermittent
That is how an abuser keeps you there, if they were always horrible, no one would stay
It is called intermittent reinforcement

You are in danger. That is what you need to recognise. Violence is not just physical. It is not jus5 about the punch in the face. Actually, at least there is an honesty to that. We all know that it is not OK to punch a partner in the face.

Far more pernicious is the low key psychological violence. The stuff that we end up struggling to decide if it is even wrong. Or maybe we are wrong.

NO! Abuse is abuse. Why are you cooking for him?! Why are you giving him the time of day?

How far along are you? Have you considered if having this baby is a good idea?

I think that you really need support in place, as you are incredibly vulnerable right now. Tell your midwife what your relationship is like. She can signpost to resources in your area.

Look at the other thread about the "non violent" husband who trailed the op out of bed and downstairs while ill because he didn't want to pick up the slack like everybody else in functional relationships when a partner is ill.

Remember that even shouting and turbulance with poor boundaries makes you more likely to turn up dead than a woman in a partnership with an equal. Look after yourself and your children.

@Snugglemonkey I am too far along now, I did consider things when I was 10 weeks which was also the last time there was an incident but he persuaded me to keep it and was outraged I was even suggesting otherwise. He was sorry etc, now I am 6m gone. Its been fine since then upto now.
I've not seen that post, is it on here? It does sound all too familiar.
I am trying to get on with things cooking etc.. I can't live any different especially with no where else to go and the children being around 24/7. Although yes I need to make plans but not sure where to start.

You're caught up in the cycle of abuse and optimism/ illusion of control.

www.peaceoverviolence.org/iii-the-cycle-of-violence-and-power-and-control

Abuse tends to be cyclical/ occasional. A "guess what will set me off and don't do it" dynamic tends to develop, and you find yourself 'walking on eggshells' or being hypervigilant, aware of small shifts in mood, aware of looks and tone of voice, signs of anger building.

Victims can be fooled by the cyclical/ occasional nature of abuse into thinking that they have caused the episode of rage or violence, and that they have had some part in bringing it to an end. So they keep on trying to 'make the relationship work'. This usually involves making themselves smaller and smaller and keeping very quiet.

The illusion of control and the accompanying optimism is very dangerous because it keeps you locked into the toxic dynamic.

Start by calling Women's Aid and asking for support.
0808 2000 247. Leave a message. They will call you back at a good time.

You can also talk to your midwife. When is your next scheduled visit?

No one can be “ a bit abusive” same as no one can be “a bit pregnant”.

Kind men, who are worthy of love, do not behave this way, ever!

Has anyone called womans aid themselves? What do they do? How can they help & is it anonymous?
Would the suggest I left to a refuge as that seems too extreme. Would they inform ss if I didn't go?

I called Women's Aid, initially just for recommendation of a solicitor - thanks for asking but no, I don't need your services, I just need a good solicitor. The first thing that solicitor said to me once I had finished speaking was please contact Women's Aid, so I did, just to keep her happy. I'm so glad I did, their support was so valuable to me, emotionally was well as practically.

They don't force you to do anything you're not ready to do @Ihatethezoo . They are there to support you and advise you of anything that might help. They will advise how best to keep you and your children safe. They have done this many, many times, it's what they're there for. They understand what you're going through.

I know it's scary, but it's just a wee phone call