Marriage issues after having twins

[EL8888]

We have been together getting on for 8 years and had twins a few months ago. They were from our 3rd round of IVF and a fair few years of trying. They are amazing and would be relatively easy to handle if there wasn’t 2 of them! But My husband and l aren’t getting on that well. For example he always seems to be grumpy these days, never wants to do anything or go anywhere. But is super keen to make arrangements with friends e.g. planning to go to a festival for 4 nights when the twins are just over a year old.

Seems to have a downer on me, really started talking down to me and being condescending since they were born. Doesn’t listen to what l say. Im thinking about going back to work early due to the way he is. Not that interested in my wants or needs e.g. day we came home from hospital he moaned about me wanting a shower (hospital wards were so hot and l felt horrible), reluctantly made me dinner etc. For the first few weeks after they were born l struggled to walk due to c-section and swelling from pre-eclampsia. I would ask and ask him for a drink -l couldn’t do stairs. I then might get one at about 2pm.

I appreciate it’s a big change to our lives having child especially twins but it’s really unsettling and we are arguing. To compound it l was out for the evening with some friends from work last week, myself and a male colleague kissed (jointly instigated is the way l remember it). I was mortified -no one saw but obviously l knew and l didn’t want to sweep it under the carpet. I told my husband the next day and apologised for what happened. He was shocked but accepted my apology. Then he admits he had a snog and a grope with a female friend about a year and a half ago. Problem is l also know he had a bit of an emotional thing with someone at work in the early days of my pregnancy. I called him out on it and (l think) he knocked it on the head.

Firstly congratulations on your twins!
secondly I’m really sorry your going through this, no one should be made to feel bad for wanting a shower (after birth especially a c section!!!) especially for wanting something basic like a drink.
He sounds so selfish and is treating you appallingly. Do you think you want to split up from him? You deserve so much better

Girl, what is this relationship.
he didn’t look after you when you was very vulnerable with babies
he wrongly resents you
he is making you miserable
and now you both have cheated ish

When your babies are bigger, it’ll only be more noticeable
don’t get me wrong having a baby is stressful, but why didn’t he wait hand and foot on you when you had them?!?!
that’s so dangerous he left you without water?!?!
I’m actually glad you cheated lok

We were discharged just after 24 hours after the birth so it was relatively quick. I have always showered every day and he knows that. Especially after being in hospital and having an operation

I don’t know what to think. I kind of think it’s like after a big life event like when someone dies and you shouldn’t make any big decisions right away?

I know it doesn’t look good and is quite Jeremy Kyle!

I don’t know why he would resent me. Im at home for 10 hours a day on my own caring for the twins. I see on Facebook groups people have friends, family, paid help etc but it’s just me here. I do as much round the house as l can and have done some keeping in touch days at work for extra money.

Im clutching at straws here but people keeping on saying how well l look. The pregnancy weight dropped off after 3 weeks -combination of breast feeding, caring for twins and not gaining much in pregnancy (extended morning sickness, reflux and then stomach shrunk by the babies). He put on some weight whilst l was pregnant by eating to excess and not exercising as much, which l know he’s unhappy about

For clarity the man l kissed is single. I shouldn’t probably admit this but he cuddled and kissed me which l liked. As l don’t get much of that at home off husband

day we came home from hospital he moaned about me wanting a shower (hospital wards were so hot and l felt horrible), reluctantly made me dinner etc.

This made me feel so deflated on your behalf. My marriage struggled a bit during the baby/toddler years, as many do, but this is a truly awful way to treat the woman who just had your twin babies. Day one and he couldn't be arsed, after everything you went through to have those children. Very sad.

That lack of basic kindness/respect combined with the fact you have both cheated on each other leads me to believe this relationship is dead in a ditch OP.

I'd be making plans to go it alone.

Some men really struggle to adapt to the loss of freedom and change in life circumstances that come with a first child, and this is (logically!) doubled when it's twins. It's quite common for men to be in denial during the pregnancy about how much things are going to change - they don't have the physical and hormonal changes that women do during this period and have to make fewer adjustments to their lifestyle (not drinking, avoiding foods, buying new clothes, adapting to limited movement, etc).

My theory on this is that because in general men don't have as drastic changes to their bodies that women do (periods, pregnancy, menopause, male puberty changes being a lot milder), they react much more dramatically when these do happen. I think this also explains why male midlife crises (often provoked by awareness of ageing through things like balding, reduced sexual performance, etc) are so fierce compared to female ones - they are the first time these men have had to deal with a drastic change to their bodies.

Anyway, back to the point, his behaviour hadn't been ideal, but I wouldn't give up on it. Maybe say how disappointed you've been in his lack of support but say that you understand that it is hard for him to deal with the changes to his life that's re perhaps more drastic than he was expecting - this might help reset things and encourage him to be nicer to you. Having twins will put significant strain on even a strong relationship - be kind to yourself 😊

If both of you have now cheated, perhaps it’s time to see this isin’t going to work/ sounds like the relationship wasn’t good/lacking something before the kids…
What’s the point?
Wait until one of you ’fall for’ somebody else that gives the courage to leave.

I could forgive the cheating and I could forgive myself the cheating. I'm a minority on this but I can see why someone would do that in certain circumstances. It's thoughtless and selfish and hedonistic but ultimately a human act.

What I could never, ever forgive is leaving you thirsty and vulnerable when you'd just had a c section. That's a cruel and unusual torture that tells you much more about what a uniquely awful man he is, far more than just snogging a mate. He was fit to use stairs like a gazelle while every step would have been impossibly painful for you (I remember well my own c section recovery). It's more than selfish and lazy, it's cruel, and it's cruel to a woman at her most physically vulnerable.

It's that spark of chilling evil cruelty I could never, ever see past. You must leave him imo.

I don’t have much advice but I’m in a similar boat to you, I had twins they’re nearly 6 months now and my relationship is struggling!
my partner has acted very differently since having them, I don’t know if it’s maybe the shock of such a lifestyle change? As you said if you had one it wouldn’t be such a shock!
I know you’ve both technically cheated and everyone will say to leave but you’ve just had two little miracle babies and I think that’s worth trying to make it work again.
why don’t you try some counselling so you can both air your feelings in an appropriate environments and maybe get some understanding back for each other.
I hope thinks work out for you and congratulations on your twins, only the luckiest mamas get two babies x

Get into therapy if you want to save your marriage. It sounds like it wasnt in a good place prekids so if you want it to work there are some points to address urgently.

Separately i think someone meeds to give him a wake up call.

You were discharged 24 hrs after a c section with twins ?

This is totally standard now unless there's been an infection or other complications.

Yep. This is post-pandemic maternity. The ward was so hot and noisy, so it was even harder to sleep.

Quite possibly. But being blunt it’s quite pathetic really! I was literally at work until the week before l had them and it was a tough pregnancy. The other day he was talking about being 3 months into this. Im like “lucky you, lm a year into it”. My life has been constrained way longer than his! He goes to work each day but lm always at home. I don’t think he realises what it’s like never being on your own and the relentlessness of it all

Im not up for giving him lots of understanding e.g. saying it’s hard for him to deal with the changes in his life. It might sound brutal and petty but l have had to contend with way more. But he doesn’t extend the same understanding to me. Plus lm not into encouraging people to be nice to me. I remember requesting an ex be nice to me, these days my mindset is more be nice or that’s it

He sounds ABSOLUTELY awful
remember who treats you badly when vulnerable

ask yourself, if he had just had a operation would you grumble to fetch him a DRINK?

FFS what an Ahole he is
furious on your behalf!!!!

Yep the twins thing is a massive curve ball! He is so different. Whereas l don’t feel that changed in myself. Im a realist that life is less spontaneous and more regimented but don’t see why we can’t go on holiday, pop round to see friends etc

Im genuinely shocked at the cheating from both sides. I didn’t see that coming. Im also a bit gutted he didn’t admit to what he did with his friend until l confessed. Part of me wonders if he ever would have told me, unless l told him what l did

Im reluctant to try counselling even just because of the practicalities of the effort, time and money of finding someone to look after them. Surely the understanding should be more forthcoming. I have literally never envied anyone on maternity leave as l thought it would be relentless and boring -which it is.

He resented letting her have a fucking shower after giving birth to twins! That’s got nothing to do with his loss of freedom, he’s a selfish, uncaring prick.

OP, am I reading this right, he cheated on you twice during your pregnancy?

God, I remember the baby twin days, it’s fucking savage and mine were relatively easy babies. I hated my dh a lot of the time because his life seemed relatively unchanged whilst I was drowning with the demands of two babies and pnd, and he was less use than a chocolate teapot in my opinion. His version of that time is obviously different.

I think they were around 18 months when our relationship started to become more ‘normal’ again. If you want your marriage to continue, I’d suggest allowing some time to pass and to write off his behaviour and your own as being in the trenches of babyhood and cut each other some slack. Obviously if you want out then disregard that!

There are a few people I really dislike. Like a bully ex-boss, if I saw him on the street I'd glare at him and not say hello.

But if he was lying there with a serious abdominal wound begging me for a drink of water, I'd f'ing get it without hesitation because I'm a human being not a monster.

I'm no angel and I've made my mistakes, worse than just snogging a mate.

But the way your husband treated you back then is not even human.

The cruelty when you came out of hospital is shocking. I felt so sad for you reading that.

@Mummy08m I completely agree with everything you said.
i think someone would have to be a killer for me to refuse them a glass water after a serious abdominal surgery !!! It’s UNSPEAKABLY awful and needs highlighting as such

Also what a nasty selfish way to behave with long awaited babies.

take care OP you do NOT deserve this xx

You don't have to give him any understanding of you don't want to, but right now he is for whatever reason not behaving in the way you would like to, and the above is a guess as to why that might be and how the situation might improve. Presumably he hasn't always been an arsehole? No matter how unfair he is being, making the first move might give you a chance to explain how inadequately he's behaved and the effect it's had on you.

Righteous anger and waiting for him to see the error of his ways isn't going to get you anywhere, and ending your marriage is easy for a bunch of usernames on a screen to suggest but I assume you want to do whatever you can to avoid it at this stage. Having Mumsnet tell you how unfair your situation is (and don't get me wrong, he is being an absolute dick) is a useful validation of your feelings, but aren't you posting here to try to improve your situation?

He goes on that his life has changed “just as much as mine”. It really hasn’t! His body shape hasn’t changed, he hasn’t got a nice permanent scar, he’s not at home everyday etc

Perfect example was the other weekend at a friends birthday. We get there, he vanishes to get himself a drink, leaving me with the twins. He’s gone for ages, it’s hot and lm thirsty. In the end I go to see where he’s gone, he’s procrastinating (wish l had the opportunity to do that) and only got himself a drink. When the boot is on the other foot, l make sure he has food and drink etc

His neglectful behaviour when you came home with your babies was disgusting and his subsequent attitude sounds not much better.Twins are hard work and he should have been supporting you in every way possible, especially as you'd just had surgery! Added to this he has cheated on you twice before and now you've had a kiss with someone too. It's not looking good OP. Do you really want to try to salvage this relationship or would you consider going it alone? It will be tough with twins but he doesn't sound like he cares about you or respects you.

@Naunet sorry if it’s reading in a confusing way. Person 1 was the friend, about 6 months or so before l got pregnant according to him.

Person 2 was the person from work, l have been led to believe nothing happened with but the truth of that l don’t know. There was an acute case of mentionitis, work nights out etc. This reached a head in the early days of the pregnancy; he’s on a night out, told me he’s coming home at x time and will give me my medication. Meanwhile lm dying at home from morning sickness. He swears blind he will be home in half an hour -problem is we live over an hour from where he was. Eventually he gets home hours late and l get my IVF medication late. We have a massive end of days type row