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Original poster

Marriage issues after having twins

39 replies

EL8888 · 02/08/2023 21:55

We have been together getting on for 8 years and had twins a few months ago. They were from our 3rd round of IVF and a fair few years of trying. They are amazing and would be relatively easy to handle if there wasn’t 2 of them! But My husband and l aren’t getting on that well. For example he always seems to be grumpy these days, never wants to do anything or go anywhere. But is super keen to make arrangements with friends e.g. planning to go to a festival for 4 nights when the twins are just over a year old.

Seems to have a downer on me, really started talking down to me and being condescending since they were born. Doesn’t listen to what l say. Im thinking about going back to work early due to the way he is. Not that interested in my wants or needs e.g. day we came home from hospital he moaned about me wanting a shower (hospital wards were so hot and l felt horrible), reluctantly made me dinner etc. For the first few weeks after they were born l struggled to walk due to c-section and swelling from pre-eclampsia. I would ask and ask him for a drink -l couldn’t do stairs. I then might get one at about 2pm.

I appreciate it’s a big change to our lives having child especially twins but it’s really unsettling and we are arguing. To compound it l was out for the evening with some friends from work last week, myself and a male colleague kissed (jointly instigated is the way l remember it). I was mortified -no one saw but obviously l knew and l didn’t want to sweep it under the carpet. I told my husband the next day and apologised for what happened. He was shocked but accepted my apology. Then he admits he had a snog and a grope with a female friend about a year and a half ago. Problem is l also know he had a bit of an emotional thing with someone at work in the early days of my pregnancy. I called him out on it and (l think) he knocked it on the head.

OP posts:
Naunet · 03/08/2023 08:46

Ugh, I’m so sorry OP, he sounds fundamentally selfish. Does that mean the first time was whilst he was planning another round of IVF with you? I’d be very suspicious of the second one too, it doesn’t look good.

I don’t know what to say, he’s put you in an awful position. Could you leave if it ever came to that? I’d make sure I had a plan in place at least, just in case as he’s clearly not someone you can rely on.

Belizenavidad · 03/08/2023 08:49

Hi OP, sorry you are dealing with this!

I won’t comment on the cheating as I think you already know from both sides it shows some problems, however I think its abhorrent that he left you thirsty and didn’t care for you after you C-Section. That’s cruel, and I’m sorry he did that to you.

Have you tried talking to him openly? Laying everything on the table and saying these are our problems, what do we want to do?/ How can we fix this.

My daughter is 15 months now and me and my DP had some really hard times for around 4 months- arguing, pettiness etc. We did however keep communication open when things got really bad about how we had made eachother feel and such and it really did help, almost like a reset. Having one baby is an absolute game changer and its so hard so I can only imagine it doubles with 2! Plus all the other day to day stresses of life.

Speak to your husband be honest with how you both feel and go from there.
Xx

Shortbread49 · 03/08/2023 11:52

I have twins and had a c section it was really tough at the start you need a supportive partner who will look after you and get you drinks I sometimes didn’t even go downstairs at the start he used to bring me up tea and food , go out and leave him alone with both babies for the day so he grasps what it is like

Whatitdo · 03/08/2023 12:13

Actions speak louder than words...you should do the the same to get his attention.

Original poster
EL8888 · 07/08/2023 13:14

Sorry for going awol, last week was busy with babies and the fall out from them having vaccines. Plus lots of arguing over the weekend. What has come to light is my husband thinks l should be thanking him regularly and heartily for any care he does of the babies. For clarity he doesn’t think he needs to do the same for me. Despite me caring for them 10 hours a day on my own, every week day. At the weekend we are both looking after them. So he hadn’t done much solo parenting. Another Pearl of wisdom is he cheated on me “because of the way l behave”. Mixed in with lots of him shouting at me and talking over me so l can’t speak. All of this just reiterates it’s good lm going back to work sooner rather than later

I have also been contemplating his friend who he cheated on me with and why she attended our wedding -this was after what happened between them. Who does that?! Has a thing with someone’s fiancé and then goes to their wedding?! I wouldn’t have the brass neck

OP posts:
Original poster
EL8888 · 07/08/2023 13:17

Mummy08m · 03/08/2023 07:04

I could forgive the cheating and I could forgive myself the cheating. I'm a minority on this but I can see why someone would do that in certain circumstances. It's thoughtless and selfish and hedonistic but ultimately a human act.

What I could never, ever forgive is leaving you thirsty and vulnerable when you'd just had a c section. That's a cruel and unusual torture that tells you much more about what a uniquely awful man he is, far more than just snogging a mate. He was fit to use stairs like a gazelle while every step would have been impossibly painful for you (I remember well my own c section recovery). It's more than selfish and lazy, it's cruel, and it's cruel to a woman at her most physically vulnerable.

It's that spark of chilling evil cruelty I could never, ever see past. You must leave him imo.

He reckons he was busy and l needed to be patient re drink. Worst thing was it was a very thirsty pregnancy -twins make you more thirsty is my experience. So for months he knew l had to drink a lot

OP posts:
Original poster
EL8888 · 07/08/2023 13:21

YRGAM · 03/08/2023 08:23

You don't have to give him any understanding of you don't want to, but right now he is for whatever reason not behaving in the way you would like to, and the above is a guess as to why that might be and how the situation might improve. Presumably he hasn't always been an arsehole? No matter how unfair he is being, making the first move might give you a chance to explain how inadequately he's behaved and the effect it's had on you.

Righteous anger and waiting for him to see the error of his ways isn't going to get you anywhere, and ending your marriage is easy for a bunch of usernames on a screen to suggest but I assume you want to do whatever you can to avoid it at this stage. Having Mumsnet tell you how unfair your situation is (and don't get me wrong, he is being an absolute dick) is a useful validation of your feelings, but aren't you posting here to try to improve your situation?

Show quote history

He hasn’t always been an arsehole no. Or l wouldn’t gave married him or had children with him.

I tell him how l feel but he doesn’t appear to listen or acknowledge it. Mostly he says it’s just as hard for him and deflects. I feel defeated by it all

OP posts:
NoWayNarc · 07/08/2023 14:57

YRGAM · 03/08/2023 06:26

Some men really struggle to adapt to the loss of freedom and change in life circumstances that come with a first child, and this is (logically!) doubled when it's twins. It's quite common for men to be in denial during the pregnancy about how much things are going to change - they don't have the physical and hormonal changes that women do during this period and have to make fewer adjustments to their lifestyle (not drinking, avoiding foods, buying new clothes, adapting to limited movement, etc).

My theory on this is that because in general men don't have as drastic changes to their bodies that women do (periods, pregnancy, menopause, male puberty changes being a lot milder), they react much more dramatically when these do happen. I think this also explains why male midlife crises (often provoked by awareness of ageing through things like balding, reduced sexual performance, etc) are so fierce compared to female ones - they are the first time these men have had to deal with a drastic change to their bodies.

Anyway, back to the point, his behaviour hadn't been ideal, but I wouldn't give up on it. Maybe say how disappointed you've been in his lack of support but say that you understand that it is hard for him to deal with the changes to his life that's re perhaps more drastic than he was expecting - this might help reset things and encourage him to be nicer to you. Having twins will put significant strain on even a strong relationship - be kind to yourself 😊

Are you for real 😂

NoWayNarc · 07/08/2023 15:04

YRGAM · 03/08/2023 08:23

You don't have to give him any understanding of you don't want to, but right now he is for whatever reason not behaving in the way you would like to, and the above is a guess as to why that might be and how the situation might improve. Presumably he hasn't always been an arsehole? No matter how unfair he is being, making the first move might give you a chance to explain how inadequately he's behaved and the effect it's had on you.

Righteous anger and waiting for him to see the error of his ways isn't going to get you anywhere, and ending your marriage is easy for a bunch of usernames on a screen to suggest but I assume you want to do whatever you can to avoid it at this stage. Having Mumsnet tell you how unfair your situation is (and don't get me wrong, he is being an absolute dick) is a useful validation of your feelings, but aren't you posting here to try to improve your situation?

Show quote history

maybe she’s posting here to validate that she’s not going mad / isn’t a crazy bitch / f*ing nag and the man is indeed, a monumental a**hole.

seriously found the “pick me” that excuses men of their vile, selfish, abusive behaviours (that are very easy for any person with any compassion to identify).

NoWayNarc · 07/08/2023 15:05

Always starts for real after the babies OP, I mean, maybe there were some red flags but they’re harder to see (and easier to excuse) and far more subtle than when you’re trapped on the sofa with your tits out healing external and internal wounds.

NoWayNarc · 07/08/2023 15:08

Honestly it’s wild that YRGAM is suggesting that OP extend more compassion to her husband, GTFO here 😂 she just needs to “understand his man problems” FFS get me outta heeeeere

SunRainStorm · 07/08/2023 15:14

He sounds horrible, I would be preparing to leave him.

Original poster
EL8888 · 08/08/2023 11:29

NoWayNarc · 07/08/2023 15:08

Honestly it’s wild that YRGAM is suggesting that OP extend more compassion to her husband, GTFO here 😂 she just needs to “understand his man problems” FFS get me outta heeeeere

Thanks for your support. So it’s not me who thinks this!

OP posts:
Original poster
EL8888 · 08/08/2023 11:30

NoWayNarc · 07/08/2023 15:04

maybe she’s posting here to validate that she’s not going mad / isn’t a crazy bitch / f*ing nag and the man is indeed, a monumental a**hole.

seriously found the “pick me” that excuses men of their vile, selfish, abusive behaviours (that are very easy for any person with any compassion to identify).

Show quote history

This. He tells me lm a nag a lot of the time and / or blames my mental health being poor. My mental health is actually quite good at the moment, no thanks to him

OP posts:
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