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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to protect myself in unmarried relationship

29 replies

Doihavetoputaringonit · 02/08/2023 18:22

Hello

I would really appreciate some advice on this. Thank you for listening.

My partner and I were planning to marry in COVID but restrictions, and surprise baby Numero 4, caused us to postpone. We then went through a bit of a rough patch, thanks to lockdown mainly, so didn't ever get married. We talked recently and I'm not sure it's on the cards right now but I do believe it is in the future. We have a big, busy, family and the thought of marriage/ a wedding feels overwhelming to me. Sometimes I like the idea but I was never the girl to be day dreaming about it or that sort of thing.

Fast forward to today- our household is solely owned outright by my partner- Everything is in my partners name. EVERYTHING. I have supported him in his career etc and have been the main parent (in terms of being at home more) so careers a bit of a...mess (a little mess though as I have worked part time since the kids)

After a couple years of talks my partner accepts I should be financially represented in someway in our household. This is huge. For years he argued I had no right to anything/ or to even feel vulnerable in our situation. I admit I've brought zero deposit to our home unlike him who has inherited £££. I admit I could have just married him (but it felt wrong when things were so rocky).

That being said I have worked in our home and paid out for things as and when. And of course, when we were as poor as church mice, I worked and contributed. I've always paid for our groceries and the kids stuff just not anything to do with the house.
We don't have joint accounts. He has accounts all over but I've no access.

Please could someone help me with a list of things that would help me to be financially protected in our household? He said he feels my name should be added to certain things but I don't know where we start and it almost makes me feel marriage would be easier

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 02/08/2023 18:27

Marriage would definitely make it easier. You don't have to have a big expensive do. A pub lunch after a small service would do, or a buffet after at home. If he wasnt prepared to marry me, id be thinking about leaving him tbh. I think him not marrying you shows a complete and total lack of respect. I honestly wouldn't be able to look at him, let alone sleep with him.

Out of interest, what does he think your name should be added to then?

Dacadactyl · 02/08/2023 18:28

Whether he marries you or not, you need to be getting yourself on the deeds of the house ASAP.

Original poster
Doihavetoputaringonit · 02/08/2023 18:31

He did want to marry me and I think he was very hurt because I didn't want to marry in lockdown or preggo/ with newborn. That being said the big wedding thing is what he wants and I never did so we really clash over that, hence not being able to face it right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Doihavetoputaringonit · 02/08/2023 18:31

He mentioned adding me to the deeds/ bank accounts.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 02/08/2023 18:33

You're looking at it the wrong way IMO. For your future security you NEED to be married as far as I can see. In your shoes I'd be doing whatever it took to make that happen.

Original poster
Doihavetoputaringonit · 02/08/2023 18:33

Do you think I should be on the deeds 50/50 as he paid for house outright when GP's passed on? Perhaps equal is unreasonable in that scenario.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 02/08/2023 18:33

Doihavetoputaringonit · 02/08/2023 18:31

He mentioned adding me to the deeds/ bank accounts.

Make sure you're joint tenants. Also, has he got a will. If not, make sure he gets one and names you as beneficiary.

dickdarstardlymuttley · 02/08/2023 18:34

You can be married in three weeks. Banns up, register office, 2 witnesses, job done. I've never understood the madness of 'we can't afford to get married'.

RandomMess · 02/08/2023 18:34

Why not have a quiet simple registry office wedding. Then a big fancy party he can sort out himself?

Original poster
Doihavetoputaringonit · 02/08/2023 18:35

@dickdarstardlymuttley sounds perfect to me!
He wants the whole show :(

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 02/08/2023 18:37

Doihavetoputaringonit · 02/08/2023 18:33

Do you think I should be on the deeds 50/50 as he paid for house outright when GP's passed on? Perhaps equal is unreasonable in that scenario.

Yes. You have 4 children with this man and have put your career on the back burner. Of course you should own everything 50 50. However, you are at his mercy because you've given him everything without setting out your stall first.

I was an unmarried mum once, but gave DD my surname and refused to move in with DH unless we got married. I'd have left him if he hadn't married me.

Keykaty · 02/08/2023 18:40

I'm wondering if the "wedding" with bells and whistles, that DP wants but cannot afford, is his way of postponing things indefinitely?

Nothing to stop you getting the legal bit done ASAP, tell no one, and follow it up with the party of your dreams with a "celebrant" of sorts. As if it was the "wedding" you see....

Would he go for that?

Keykaty · 02/08/2023 18:42

Sorry I think my post should read "you don't want" instead of "cannot afford".

WantingToEducate · 02/08/2023 18:42

Doihavetoputaringonit · 02/08/2023 18:35

@dickdarstardlymuttley sounds perfect to me!
He wants the whole show :(

My guess is that this is just an excuse to avoid marriage….making out he wants the Big Do but that there isn't enough
money for it etc.

And not meaning to be sexist but really, how many men do you hear of who want the “Big White Wedding” and won’t get married unless there is enough money to pay for that type of wedding?!

If he wanted to marry you then he would, even if it was just at the local Registry Office

AnSolas · 02/08/2023 18:43

Elope

You have 4 children!

Elope to the local registry office.

Sort out the notice
pop a note on MN for witnesses
Do the deed
Agree to throw a party for your 50th anniversty

https://www.gov.uk/marriages-civil-partnerships/give-notice

Marriages and civil partnerships in England and Wales

How to get married or form a civil partnership in the UK, giving notice of marriage at a register office, visas, paying fees.

https://www.gov.uk/marriages-civil-partnerships/give-notice

Original poster
Doihavetoputaringonit · 02/08/2023 18:45

Nope you are quite wrong. He desperately wanted the wedding and I essentially cancelled 2 of them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Doihavetoputaringonit · 02/08/2023 18:50

Looks like the general consensus is to get married. I better get my arse into gear.

OP posts:
FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 02/08/2023 18:50

Doihavetoputaringonit · 02/08/2023 18:35

@dickdarstardlymuttley sounds perfect to me!
He wants the whole show :(

Do the marriage as a quickie registry office thing, then do the reception as the big party, you can still have the celebration, table plans, dress, speeches etc just do it as a separate event.

I did not want to be watched walking down the aisle, or making the commitment, but DH wanted a bit of a shindig so we got married in Vegas then we had an evening do with buffet a couple of weeks after we got home. It still wasn't a big formal thing, just a few of our friends and family, in a hired venue with cold buffet and a DJ. Our wedding cake was big, medium and small sized chocolate cakes from Tesco that we piled on top of each other 😂.

If you don't want to go that route then yes you need to get your name on the deeds, you can portion the house in whatever way feels fair to you based on the deposit he bought to it, but really if you've given up your earning potential to raise your joint children then it is not right that he should be able to walk away from the relationship with 100% of the house, all his savings and a better wage.

Feverly · 02/08/2023 18:50

Just get married, have a party for it some other time, that’s the irrelevant aspect of it.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/08/2023 18:51

Doihavetoputaringonit · 02/08/2023 18:35

@dickdarstardlymuttley sounds perfect to me!
He wants the whole show :(

Well that's just fucking ridiculous and a massive waste of money. He wants to spend thousands upon thousands for a party?

Tell him you're making an appointment at the registrar's office and just get married already. You have four kids together, for crying out loud. The ship has sailed on having a big fancy wedding. It would be rather ridiculous, honestly.

If he is genuine about wanting you as an equal partner he will readily agree. If he doesn't, then this blustering about having a big wedding has been nothing but a con.

WoolyMammoth55 · 02/08/2023 18:54

OP I've been to some genuinely LOVELY and meaningful quickie registry office weddings. I think you could compromise on something now and then a big "wedding" party on your 1 year anniversary if he still feels something is missing?

Nothing else comes close to the protection that you AND the kids get from a marriage certificate. Get on it.

WantingToEducate · 02/08/2023 18:55

Doihavetoputaringonit · 02/08/2023 18:45

Nope you are quite wrong. He desperately wanted the wedding and I essentially cancelled 2 of them.

He’s probably too scared to pay out for another wedding then in case you cancel that one too 😂

AsterixAndPersimmon · 02/08/2023 18:58

Ok I’m sorry about that question @Doihavetoputaringonit but do you actually want to get married to your DP?
Do you want to build a life with him?

Youve pulled the plug twice (and yes there was some special circumstances there too). You refuse to budge on the big wedding. You say things have been rocky.
Where is your marriage now? And is the talk about protecting yourself coming from the feeling/knowing that actually things are not rosy and you might well be left in the shit?

rwalker · 02/08/2023 19:04

It’s a difficult one because the house was basically given to him by his grandparent
not as a result of his efforts at work and yours at home

definitely get bank accounts sorted
look at pensions provision for yourself being out of the workforce is having bud implications on this

doesn’t sound as though he has a problem with any if this it’s up to you if you want as share of the house his grandparents gave him