I’m struggling to come to terms with the fact my partners mum doesn’t like me.

[Whydothat1]

I’m not really a huge catch. I’m an ex victim of abuse, I had at the time of meeting him years ago a daughter and a chronic illness (c.f.s).

Whether that’s why she dislikes me or not who knows. We have a baby together now and live together. She is just cold towards me and I’ve done nothing to cause it but be alive.

My own mum was emotionally neglectful growing up so this is really stinging me.

Its pathetic but for example we went away, first time with baby and I uploaded some pics on Facebook, she makes no comment. Her other son and girlfriend with children just gone away and she is commenting all over those pics. That’s just an example but she basically ignores me. I’ve also read messages on parters phone where she is insinuating I don’t do enough. I do as much as I can and I push myself too much as it is with this illness. It’s really stinging me. I don’t want to live my life with this as I’ve spent all my previous life being abused one way or another. My self esteem is low enough.

I think it would help you to emotionally detach. There is no need for you to see her if you don't want to. Your partner can see her out of the house and take baby with him to see her if she wishes to have a relationship.
Unfortunately, some people are just like this. You shouldn't think it's anything personal. It's her loss.

Yes I know but then I’ve got to live a life knowing my own parents didn’t treat me well and now my inlaws. It’s making me wonder all the time what is so wrong with me, it’s a constant reminder and it’s getting me down.

Don’t let this woman and her own judgements affect your self-esteem and view of yourself. She doesn’t have the experience or the empathy to understand what it’s like to live with your chronic illness, her opinion on whether you do enough is irrelevant. Does your partner stand up for you when she comes out with this stuff?

I wouldn’t worry about Facebook likes but if she’s treating you badly then she isn’t a good person to have around your DC either. She doesn’t get to hurt you and have unfettered access to your DC.

Fuck that bitch. Don't let her make you feel this bad, get rid of her off Facebook, she's playing games on there, no doubt about it. What a rotter!

Meh, I've been with my husband for 22 years. My MIL hated me before she even met me because we are from different backgrounds and I simply wasn't good enough for her precious boy! I get the blame for everything, anything I do is never quite good enough, not how she would have done it. It's a running joke now between my husband and I, he doesn't like her much either and only sees her because I insist we go and take our daughter, who funnily enough, she actually adores and the only thing I've ever done right. Water off a duck's back to me, it's her loss and it says more about her than it does about me because I'm utterly fabulous! 😂My husband loves me and that's all that matters.

Lift your chin and take no notice of the miserable old bat. Your relationship is with your partner not her, she's just an annoying sideline, ignore her pettiness and avoid her as much as possible. Honestly, you'll feel much better for realising it's her, not you!

if she doesn't like you then that's her problem, not yours. And I am sure you are a massive catch!!

My mil and I don't like each other at all, it used to bother me but then she didn't bother with ds either and that was that for me, enough was enough. I have zero contact with her, haven't done for years. Dh sees her occasionally on his own and that suits us all.
Because of your past, you're assuming it's you ...it's not! Your partner loves you, you have a baby together, and it's those two who deserve your love and care.

My mil hates me. She considers me far too working class for her precious baby boy. Meh it’s her loss. Fwiw her son isn’t in the slightest bit posh or middle class and her background isn’t either. Mine is but like you I have a chronic illness that affects my ability to work and do housework at times too.

It used to really hurt me how she’d pick on me and subtly bully me when her son left the room but I gave as good as I got and when I came to the realisation of how sad her life must be to behave that way towards me , it became much easier to deal with.

She may see you as a threat stealing her baby boy which is pathetic but in the end you have him and a child together so concentrate on that relationship. It’s nothing to do with you and everything to do with her insecurities

I feel bad because perhaps they’d rather have a women who could do more. I’m unsure of my future and of how bad I’ll get and how much of a burden I will become to my partner. She wants better I’m sure. I do wish I could do more and be a better mum and partner and do more with them.

It's only natural for a mother to want nothing but the best for her son however her idea of the best and her son's idea of the best are likely very different, her son is I presume happy in his life with you. I wonder is it at all possible that your son might the odd time talk to his mam about you, perhaps in moments of frustration mentioning housework not done etc? men can be like this, not realising at the time that mothers can really take this to heart and run with it. If he hasn't and your MIL is just like this then really there's not much you can do except get on with your life in the best way you know how. I'm sorry to hear about your trauma from early life, however keep in mind, it's not your MIL place to make up for that, now a lot of MIL's would be happy to but in your case your MIL doesn't sound as though she's the type to take your under her wing. All you can do is get on with life, have your own family grow and be happy & keep posting your pictures and keep your head up - even if she doesn't like you very much she will have no choice but to respect the grind! Best of luck OP and remember it doesn't matter how anyone else views you - it matters how you view yourself and perhaps you should start there.

Well you can tell from these boards that there’s many women who will dislike anyone here son chooses as a partner. I personally think parents should make a real effort to get on with their children's chosen life partner (unless abuse etc of course) as it causes a lot of upset if you don’t. Mothers especially need to understand the apron stings are severed and it’s up to her son who he chooses as his wife or partner. If it comes down to forcing a choice then mother you’re going to lose, so don’t go there

@Ted43 no he doesn’t say anything to her. He isn’t exactly the most tidy of people. Housework is not a problem and she actually comments that I tidy too much. She comments when I dust that she has never. The comment she made was that I looked after the 2 children, one 7 and one 7 months whilst he put up the tent on holiday on his own; she said well whats “” doing she should help. I would struggle to do that, if I did I’d pay physically.

My partner has told me how she was so desperate to be in her other grandchildren’s lives as a baby but the mum was anxious to let them out of her site. She isn’t bothered about our baby. No offers of support. Given my illness and how lack of sleep has a bad effect, no offers of help, or dinners or take off hands for a few hours, no visits, nothing. Oh she’s loud when around the baby about how much she loves her, it’s just not often. I’m very surprised she doesn’t want to help her son more.

Now listen here OP - if your MIL is giving out because your partner is putting up a tent and you are minding two children then YOU are not the problem okay - just accept that first of all. I am aware of the MILs that are all talk online or around friends about the grandchildren but in real life they are useless so how about you take the high road and before giving up - ask her around for dinner, no agenda just dinner and spend time with the grandchildren. After a while why not ask her if she would mind babysitting them one evening while you and partner go out? don't wait for her to offer, ask her - all she can say is no and you'll have your answer, she might even feel useful. Don't write her off, she is your partner's mother and she'll be in your life regardless and it's better to keep the peace with her but don't take great stock in her opinion of you either - if she doesn't like you, it is okay, that's allowed just the same way you're allowed to not like her either - it's not a reflection on you!

@Ted43 we have already asked her if she could take the baby for a night so we could have a night away and she said no to take the baby with us. We’ve asked several times and always get a “I don’t know what I’m doing that day”.

You say you're not a catch. Is she a catch as a MIL? Have you had therapy for your issues with self-esteem? Maybe you need some (more) now?

By reading her private comments about you, you're deliberately poking a stick in that wound and wiggling it around.

@80s I’ve had some. It’s the chronic illness and the constant fatigue that brings me down the most. This just makes me feel more unlikable. I was told it developed from the abuse I sustained from my abusive marriage of 10 years. It really stings that my ex can do a lot more then me with out daughter we share. He gets to have so much more of a life and because of him I’m going to suffer physically and mentally because of it forever. I am down at the moment and no one notices or would even care.

Interesting - I wonder is her other son the golden child? How does she treat your partner? Is he doing most of the work in the relationship with his mother?

What happened to you as a child is not your fault. (I've been having to learn this in the last couple of years). Your mother had her own issues which she didn't deal with and you unfortunately suffered because of that.

However, when we are brought up by dysfunctional parents, we do not have the bar as to how we should be treated very high, we are in danger of entering unhealthy relationships. I'm not saying that the relationship with your partner is unhealthy or abusive by the way, but our values are skewed and we can easily end up with damaged people.

So if your partner has been damaged by his mother's behaviour, it would be more difficult for him to stand up to her and to refuse to allow her to treat you (and him) unfairly.

For your own mental health (and if you're not receiving therapy for your abusive childhood, please try), it would be best to put distance between you and her. Such women cannot be appeased. It's all about them and nothing you do will make her feel or behave more kindly towards you. It's shit, but all you can do is accept it, you can't change her. Also in time such a woman will not treat your and your partner's child/ren fairly so better to keep the relationship to a minimum.

Ignore it. It's tough. I've never been good enough for my MIL for a variety of reasons - I went to a state school, I expect DH to take responsibility for some household chores/childcare (waaaay below 50%!!!) and I went back to work (part time) at the end of my maternity leave instead of being a SAHM until they were all at secondary.

If someone doesn't like you, they don't like you. I'm afraid you just have to tolerate it and try to keep bland/cordial relationship when you see each other. Try not to let it upset you.

@Escapingafter50years it is odd as his brother said growing up he called him golden balls as he could do no wrong but his brother is definitely treated better and more respectfully. My partner has attachment issues to his possessions and struggles to throw things away. I wonder whether something has always been happening.

She is awfully nosy, knows everything going on in her village, who does what, who died, on all the committees for everything. She comes across as thinking she knows everything. Gets involved in what we take on holidays, making comments about how we pack to much and less stuff means more adventure, it is none of her business what we take. Makes comments about the baby, how she doesn’t need this and that etc, yet her house is stuffed full of things.

OP, you have posted about this before but nothing is going to change unless you decide to stop caring, and go either very low contact or no contact with your MIL. Just ignore her, enjoy your life with your children and leave it to your D.P to deal with her. She's not worth your time or headspace.

When you say 'we' - which one of you asked her?

I don’t think it’s personal - it’s just not the life she envisaged for her son. I would feel the exact same way. A partner who can’t do their fair share in the house and with the children due to an illness, the reality that her son will be a carer, a step child and now a baby to add to everything. She sees the pressure her son is under and doesn’t like it. However, the son has made his own life choices, so she needs to respect it.

@Merapi he did:

@Fairydustandsparklylights I do all the housework and the majority of caring for the children, albeit I’m knackered I do it all. It is personal as the illness is part of me. I’ve worked all my life, own my own home with very little mortgage left, which he’s moved into. The other daughter in law has never worked a day in her life and she’s almost 30. Going by what you said she should be the one dis liked, her other son has to pay for it all.

The comment she made was that I looked after the 2 children, one 7 and one 7 months whilst he put up the tent on holiday on his own; she said well whats “” doing she should help.

How did your partner respond to her saying this?