I’m struggling to come to terms with the fact my partners mum doesn’t like me.

[Whydothat1]

I’m not really a huge catch. I’m an ex victim of abuse, I had at the time of meeting him years ago a daughter and a chronic illness (c.f.s).

Whether that’s why she dislikes me or not who knows. We have a baby together now and live together. She is just cold towards me and I’ve done nothing to cause it but be alive.

My own mum was emotionally neglectful growing up so this is really stinging me.

Its pathetic but for example we went away, first time with baby and I uploaded some pics on Facebook, she makes no comment. Her other son and girlfriend with children just gone away and she is commenting all over those pics. That’s just an example but she basically ignores me. I’ve also read messages on parters phone where she is insinuating I don’t do enough. I do as much as I can and I push myself too much as it is with this illness. It’s really stinging me. I don’t want to live my life with this as I’ve spent all my previous life being abused one way or another. My self esteem is low enough.

My xmil was all over kids but had no time for me. In your shoes I would block her on fb. It's a fine line but give her nothing. No warmth, just civility. No invites, but if you do meet be cordial. Radically accept that she doesn't like you and do it with a shrug. A mental shrug.

My xmil wasn't good enough for me. I deserved a better mil
Thank god I never see her now.

Don't let this horrible woman have so much power over you. Your partner obviously loves you. She's not important to you or your life if you hold your breath until she is nice to you to allow yourself to feel happy it's very risky!
Please chat to a counsellor x

I may have read it all wrong. But you can tell I think when you are in someone’s company and they are warm and accepting.

How do you shrug it off?

Decide that you are not going to wither in the face of their coldness.

Think about who you are, what kind of person you are, and calmly be that person, consistently. I. Not saying it's easy. It was being excluded from a group that set me thinking about who I was and cemented my determination to be that person whether I was around people who valued me or not.

Withering in the presence of people who are cold to you is a stress response, ie, "freeze". So be really compassionate to yourself for finding this hard. It is hard.

Make a list if what this mil can prevent you from doing. It will be a short list.

Feel your power, over yourself. The practice if self compassion helped hold my hand through this process. I no longer freeze around people who are cold to me.

There is a good workbook, Mindful Self Compassion by kirstin neff phd and christopher germer phd. It helped me a lot.