It’s half 10 as I write this and I’m exhausted and up in bloody tears of frustration, so any help is greatly appreciated!
DH and I had our first baby 5 weeks ago, it was a horrific birth (very traumatic emcs) and I’m still getting my feet on the ground and feeling very weepy and tired. DD was born small at 5lb and has just been promoted to newborn size, so we’re constantly feeding and changing and it’s all very hectic, but what we were warned she would be small, we expected and planned for it, and we are so deliriously in love with her.
The issue is my MIL. DH and I have been together for 6 years, married for 2, and she is usually very lovely and considerate. As soon as we told them I was pregnant, something seemed to snap. She insisted that she came to every ultrasound (no), that she helped decorate the baby’s nursery (very grateful but no thank you), have a say in the baby’s name (no), and that she would be in the birthing suite with me (absolutely not).
We very gently let her down towards the start, but by the end I was so swollen it looked like my legs belonged to someone else, I had gestational diabetes, and I was on bed rest for a fortnight so I was knackered and I must admit I did tell her to back off once (or twice or maybe three times). I apologised to her soon after each time, and she seemed to understand and would settle before flaring up again. DH did have some stern words, but she kept saying it’s her first grandchild, she’s a grandmother too (in rebuttal to my own mum being at the birth) and DD is “25% hers” 🤨
Yesterday was honestly the day from hell itself. We were picking them up to go into town, and DD had what can only be described as an apocalyptic poo, so I asked to dash inside to hose her down and get her (and myself) changed. Once inside MIL hovered over my shoulder the entire time, and even lit and began to smoke a cigarette right next to me and DD. DH and I both asked her to stop or go outside, but she said it was her own house (true) and that smoking doesn’t harm babies that young (not true, obviously). I was already ticked off but could do without the row so did what I needed to and we went out.
In town MIL kept asking to push the pram, and when I didn’t let her she held onto the side of the handlebar instead. DH could see I was almost at boiling point and tried to intervene but it all fell on deaf ears. FIL seemed oblivious.
By the time we sat down in a cafe I was beyond peeved. Whilst burping DD over my shoulder, MIL came up and round to my side of the table and gave her a whacking great smack on the back before I could even process what was happening. DD obviously screamed like a banshee, DH nearly erupted, and I started to cry (and leaked through my tshirt, which was a joy). I’m so so so fed up, and whilst DH is doing what he feels he can, I keep wondering if he could do more.
She will not listen to me at all now DD is here, and there have been more than one occasions where I’ve turned to find her smoking next to DD, being a bit rough with her, or being altogether negligent, like when she was changing her nappy whilst smoking and got ash on the changing mat (I had stepped out for a wee and nearly sprung off the walls when I saw).
Would it be right to ‘suspends’ visits for now? DD is just so small, and I’m so unbelievably tired, and she’s doing my absolute head in. DH has promised he will talk to her, but I fear we’ll enter another settled phase and a flare will linger on the horizon and cause me undue grief.
My mum has had some choice words with her, but they seem to be in a war of the grandmothers at the moment, so might not be best to active that weapon right now.
DD is once again wailing for a feed, or a change, or just because she feels like it and to be honest I don’t blame her! Either way I’ll end it here. All views welcome (esp any MILs, would be brill to rationalise some of this behaviour if I can).
Ta x