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Original poster

Coming out as lesbian at 53, any hope?

73 replies

EmmasRegurgitatedShrimps · 01/08/2023 21:49

Struggled with this all my life, am married to a man I’ve not slept with in years and who I’m breaking up with, and now it’s really clear to me I’m gay. Does this ever work out? Would any woman ever take me seriously if I’ve never had a relationship with a female before? I’ve been such an idiot. How common is this?

OP posts:
Whydoineedaname · 01/08/2023 23:16

I came out this year at 39, been keeping it hidden since I was. Congratulations- you’ll be fine :) x

Whydoineedaname · 01/08/2023 23:16

17

SapphosRock · 01/08/2023 23:20

I'm always delighted to hear a woman has come out, no matter what her age. OP I am sure there are many lesbian veterans who will happily show you the ropes.

There is an active Facebook group for older UK lesbians and I suggest seeking out local lesbian social groups (would avoid any that use the word queer). Enjoy!

WtP · 01/08/2023 23:33

One of my best friends of 25 years finally came out before Christmas, she had been married M&F since she was 23.
Her ex Husband was so understanding it took many of us by surprise!
Though a few of us had suspected she could be more lesbian than hetero, it almost felt like we were seeing the real woman she was?
She's 54 and happier than any of us can remember.

BristolLily · 01/08/2023 23:36

Absolutely, go for it. You only have one life Smile

Quickdraw23 · 02/08/2023 06:27

ilyana · 01/08/2023 23:07

I'm 38 and feeling the same. Not even sure I'm a lesbian but am fantasising about women constantly, getting crushes on female celebrities, and men are basically invisible to me now unless I'm trying to avoid their unwanted advances.

I'm also very worried I'll be seen as a fraud or as weak for not being too cowardly to come out sooner, even though I didn't know (and still don't know tbh). I have absolutely no idea what to do sexually with a woman!

So just to say you're not the only one!

No one who isn’t a total douchebag would think of this as cowardly at all! Coming out is a milestone with no fixed age expectation.

also I would say don’t underestimate the power of being the new kid on the block! If you meet someone and you like each other enough to sleep together and can communicate with each other it really won’t be a problem.

good luck 😊

TheAverageJoanne · 02/08/2023 06:44

SapphosRock · 01/08/2023 23:20

I'm always delighted to hear a woman has come out, no matter what her age. OP I am sure there are many lesbian veterans who will happily show you the ropes.

There is an active Facebook group for older UK lesbians and I suggest seeking out local lesbian social groups (would avoid any that use the word queer). Enjoy!

@SapphosRock why's that? (About queer?)

PearlHandle · 02/08/2023 07:50

why's that? (About queer?)

Let's not derail this lovely supportive thread.

Darhon · 02/08/2023 07:55

I came out at 46. After a long het relationship. I joined OLD (I have lesbian friends, I didn’t need more) and was just brutally honest, so no-one thought I was experimenting or just trying it for size. No-one minded. Over 40s I dated had tended to have had relationships anyway with men at some point due to compulsory heterosexuality. Under 40s were more likely to have just been with women if that is what they were into, as social attitudes changed more rapidly in the late 1990s. I’ve been with a woman for over 2 years now and dated a few. By the way, she was someone under 40.

SapphosRock · 02/08/2023 08:21

PearlHandle · 02/08/2023 07:50

why's that? (About queer?)

Let's not derail this lovely supportive thread.

Agreed. Just trust me on this.

Original poster
EmmasRegurgitatedShrimps · 02/08/2023 10:12

You’re all so lovely. Thank you for sharing your stories and opinions and for your support. It really has helped me.

OP posts:
UnpropitiousNightmares · 02/08/2023 11:31

Adding my Sapphic voice too..

Yes, it does work out!

Yess, you'll be taken seriously!

You're not an idiot.

It's very common and there are many women loving women who have come out late in life having been married to men.

Please don't worry, you'll be okay!

Congratulations on coming out to yourself and to us here!

Welcome to the family OP! 😁🏳️‍🌈

dogsweetdog · 02/08/2023 14:55

One of my friends had her first relationship with a woman in her late forties and is now engaged at 53! Never been happier ❤️

ilyana · 02/08/2023 15:20

How do people go about finding partners? It feels even tougher than it is to find a male partner. I'm not a big fan of apps so was hoping it might be possible to meet someone IRL, but how? I've been to a couple of meetups and felt comfortable and as if they were my crowd, which I think is a very good sign, but nothing really came of it. Nobody asked for my contact details or anything, and I wasn't sure if it was appropriate for me to ask.

I'm so incredibly anxious that I think the only way it's going to happen is to go to some event at a club or something and have a few drinks and get off with someone like I used to do when I was 21, but even that feels so overwhelming now! I was hoping we'd get a lovely hot summer in London and I'd be out all the time, but it's been so wet and miserable and people don't seem much in the mood for socialising. Where is everyone hiding?

goldcheese · 02/08/2023 15:25

I tried coming out earlier in life and just wasn't ready, and finally finally came out as a lesbian at 51
Its very common, I think for most lesbians that you might date they just want to know that you are definitely in your sexuality and not just curious.

I focussed on finding social groups and making friendships first and have the best social life and network of friends I've ever had. If you are in the east of England pm me and I can help point you to some groups.

Darhon · 02/08/2023 15:27

I decided to use apps, mind it was still lockdown, but at least everyone is upfront that they are looking to meet someone (though not always about the length of time they want to be with them). My understanding is that outside of the 5 big cities, the lesbian scene is small or non-existent. Also, I was never very successful meeting people in pubs and clubs as a young heterosexual. You’ve gone to the meet ups though, so maybe keep pursuing that. But I didn’t need to make friends as I have lots and they were all accepting of me. So a meet up of it was not to find a partner would feel messy for me in this context.

goldcheese · 02/08/2023 15:27

ilyana · 02/08/2023 15:20

How do people go about finding partners? It feels even tougher than it is to find a male partner. I'm not a big fan of apps so was hoping it might be possible to meet someone IRL, but how? I've been to a couple of meetups and felt comfortable and as if they were my crowd, which I think is a very good sign, but nothing really came of it. Nobody asked for my contact details or anything, and I wasn't sure if it was appropriate for me to ask.

I'm so incredibly anxious that I think the only way it's going to happen is to go to some event at a club or something and have a few drinks and get off with someone like I used to do when I was 21, but even that feels so overwhelming now! I was hoping we'd get a lovely hot summer in London and I'd be out all the time, but it's been so wet and miserable and people don't seem much in the mood for socialising. Where is everyone hiding?

Meetup groups are usually primarily friendship groups and I think older lesbians are more likely to want to get to know someone first, past the age of copping off in clubs!
There are lesbian dating apps such as Her, or look for lesbian groups for interests that you have

Verv · 02/08/2023 15:32

You'll be fine. Honestly.
There are loads of women who came out later in life, and there are friendship / activity / Facebook groups for older lesbians.
(though I would caution against "older uk lesbians" as its got a lot of men in it)

Loads of women in the same boat as you though, and they all seem pretty happy with their lives and friendships.

ilyana · 02/08/2023 15:44

goldcheese · 02/08/2023 15:27

Meetup groups are usually primarily friendship groups and I think older lesbians are more likely to want to get to know someone first, past the age of copping off in clubs!
There are lesbian dating apps such as Her, or look for lesbian groups for interests that you have

Show quote history

I don't know, at one Meetup they were referencing a thing called Mint and had some stories about people copping off! And these were women in their 40s+.

Wouldn't normally be my thing at all but I think I need to get past the mental block of never having been with a woman at all. Even a drunken snog would get me past that barrier, I think.

ilyana · 02/08/2023 15:46

Darhon · 02/08/2023 15:27

I decided to use apps, mind it was still lockdown, but at least everyone is upfront that they are looking to meet someone (though not always about the length of time they want to be with them). My understanding is that outside of the 5 big cities, the lesbian scene is small or non-existent. Also, I was never very successful meeting people in pubs and clubs as a young heterosexual. You’ve gone to the meet ups though, so maybe keep pursuing that. But I didn’t need to make friends as I have lots and they were all accepting of me. So a meet up of it was not to find a partner would feel messy for me in this context.

I thought I could meet people through the meetups who might introduce me to others, or at least recommend places to go, and to an extent that happened. I heard about a few things I hadn't known about.

Is it true the apps are full of men? I keep hearing that.

Watchkeys · 02/08/2023 15:50

Meetup groups are usually primarily friendship groups

No they're not. There are ones named 'Over 50s dating for lesbians' and stuff like that.

AltitudeCheck · 02/08/2023 15:53

Congratulations 🎉 Everyone above has shared really good advice & you're going to be fine.

There were some really inspiring and touching coming out stories in the documentary Gentleman Jack Changed My Life and as a late blooming lesbian / lesbian after marriage, whatever you like to call yourself you'll find you're not alone.

www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2022/may/24/gentleman-jack-changed-my-life-review-who-knew-art-still-had-such-power

Verv · 02/08/2023 16:16

ilyana · 02/08/2023 15:46

I thought I could meet people through the meetups who might introduce me to others, or at least recommend places to go, and to an extent that happened. I heard about a few things I hadn't known about.

Is it true the apps are full of men? I keep hearing that.

Show quote history

Yes. "Her" is particularly bloke infested to the point that they got banned on Twitter for being really grotesque about lesbian women.
If you specify on the app that your interest is only in females then they'll ban you.

MsCathy · 02/08/2023 16:25

I did this in my mid 30's. Very difficult and stressful at the time. Best thing I ever did. I met my wife online and we've been together 15 years. Don't wait any longer. Good luck!

Atethehalloweenchocs · 02/08/2023 21:57

I have absolutely no idea what to do sexually with a woman!

And I could not let this go by - unless you have never ever touched yourself, you absolutely have a massive advantage in this area!!!!!!!!!

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