Feeling differently towards a parent after counselling... what to do?

[Beanstalks]

I've been having counselling for some time due to a messy divorce, but we recently moved on to the topic of my parenting.

My mother has been a big emotional support during my divorce at times, however there have been some things that she's said which have made my counsellor gasp a few times. One of the them being an implication that she made that it was my fault for leaving home and moving in with my ex husband that she met her last partner who turned out to be an alcoholic.

Anyway, we've dug a bit deeper in recent weeks and now things that happened in that past appears to be impacting on my relationship with my mum in the present, despite us being close over the last few years. I actually feel at a point where I don't want to speak to her. We've unearthed feelings of neglect during my teen years, affairs which I shouldn't have known about but did, the times she got drunk and embarrassed me infront of my friends. Her spoiling my 30th birthday party by getting very drunk... etc

I have argued with her twice in two weeks and we never usually argue at all. She's definitely emotionally healthier than she used to be, but there are still things she says that don't feel very supportive at times. I am really struggling as the trips down memory lane have altered my current perception of her.

How do you deal with this when counselling has this kind of impact? How do I manage my relationship with my mum now that I'm experiencing these negative feelings about her? I know that if I talk through anything with her, she'll just become the victim.

"I'd sympathise with them and say that his behaviour is shit. What would you do?"

And if they ask how to cope would you tell them that they just need compassion? I'm trying to see if you would be as happy for your dc to be controlled by your ex's behaviour as you were.

I wouldn't tell them to do anything. They're adults.
How am I controlled by my mother? I'm also an adult.

Please don’t cut your mum out based on your therapy sessions.
This is happening far too often in society at the moment and it is very sad for everyone involved.
where is the path to healing and reconciliation if you just cut her out?
you can speak to her about how you need an apology for her behaviour whilst acknowledging that she has become more mentally healthy over the years.
Look at her upbringing and the difficulties she was surrounded by when trying to parent you. She was likely doing the best she could.
we are all human and imperfect and though your inner child/teen needs acknowledging and being kind to, so does your mum.

Sorry did I say you were controlled by your mother? You said your ex behaved like your mother so you divorced him. So you acknowledge that that behaviour damages relationships. Storming off when someone approaches something that hurt them is about control. It's very much about controlling what is spoken about.

I am a bit lost, sorry :)
I divorced my ex because he cheated on me, but yes, if he had behaved like my mother I'd have left him before then.
I left home when I was 18 and see my mother once a year. Does that make my behaviour consistent, or what was your point? :)

Storming off when someone approaches something that hurt them is about control.

It can also be about fear and hurt, physically running away from a problem you can’t cope with.

There is a tendency nowadays to always associate ‘unwanted’ behaviour with control/abuse. I don’t think that’s the only thing that ever happens.

personally i think some people baby their parents too much. they were bloody adults - even if it was a different time, neglect or abuse were not a "norm". thats why some parents went to great lengths to hide what they were doing

they know what they did and are old enough to deal with consequences...and sometimes consequence is that people do remind you of what you did