Feeling differently towards a parent after counselling... what to do?

[Beanstalks]

I've been having counselling for some time due to a messy divorce, but we recently moved on to the topic of my parenting.

My mother has been a big emotional support during my divorce at times, however there have been some things that she's said which have made my counsellor gasp a few times. One of the them being an implication that she made that it was my fault for leaving home and moving in with my ex husband that she met her last partner who turned out to be an alcoholic.

Anyway, we've dug a bit deeper in recent weeks and now things that happened in that past appears to be impacting on my relationship with my mum in the present, despite us being close over the last few years. I actually feel at a point where I don't want to speak to her. We've unearthed feelings of neglect during my teen years, affairs which I shouldn't have known about but did, the times she got drunk and embarrassed me infront of my friends. Her spoiling my 30th birthday party by getting very drunk... etc

I have argued with her twice in two weeks and we never usually argue at all. She's definitely emotionally healthier than she used to be, but there are still things she says that don't feel very supportive at times. I am really struggling as the trips down memory lane have altered my current perception of her.

How do you deal with this when counselling has this kind of impact? How do I manage my relationship with my mum now that I'm experiencing these negative feelings about her? I know that if I talk through anything with her, she'll just become the victim.

saying to the parent you may want to limit your contact because of their consistent pattern of neglect, crowned by a recent allegation that you're responsible for your mother's latest failed relationship, may not go down well either - but that's not because the adult child in question is wrong to do it.

in terms of being on the self-pity trade-mill - i think the mother in this scenario could easily run the marathon with all the training she had

Person centred counsellors may indeed gasp at something a client has said as it is a congruent and honest reaction. This may have the effect of making the client realise how they have been normalising something bad or make them feel like the counsellor understands the significance of what they have said.

I think it's strange that many people have said that parent's behaviour in the past should be "gotten over". If that behaviour was happening now from say a partner they would be told that it's not healthy and to leave. And why would they be told that??? Because the behaviour is damaging in one way or another. But they're expecting someone not to mention damaging behaviour because it's in the past. Processing is a very important part of getting over something, it's not indulgent

But anyway op I'd give it some time and see how you feel. It takes time to adjust to new information, there's no rush

I think you looking back and blaming your mum for everything that has gone wrong in your life is as helpful as your mum looking back and blaming you for the relationship with the alcoholic.

Looking back at the past is useful if it allows you to understand why things are as they are now but then I think you really need to focus on moving forward. I moved in too quickly with my OH who turned out to be a narcissist because my mum didn't want me at home - but me blaming my mum and holding her responsible 25 years later doesn't help me or change what's already happened.

What sort of relationship would you like with your mum and even more importantly what sort of relationship can she offer? Are you ok with accepting what you know she offers? If you are then what are her flaws and how can you manage them without them negatively impacting your life? I think that is what you need to be concentrating on now.

The visible 'gasping' should never happen. If it does, a clear and immediate explanation should be provided, e.g. sorry, I responded viscerally there ... and explain why, e.g. it resonated with something that happened to me ... then emphasise that the reaction should not be used to steer the thought processes in any way - the therapist is still an ordinary human being after all, and brings with them baggage, cognitive bias etc.

Many people will look to the therapist for answers, it's the 'white coat' effect of the scientist example - people will assume therapists are experts and sometimes each word uttered by a therapist will be hung on to.

I would recommend seeing a psychotherapist rather than a counsellor.

It's normal to be feeling a bit different about things, it shows the therapy is doing something. I second the poster upthread who said discuss this development with your counsellor about how to handle your difficult feelings. As a parent of adult children I welcome my dc wanting to talk about things they are hurt about from the past. When I do this it shows that I value their inner experience and our connection. And lord knows I screwed up badly at times.

No one runs towards criticism but allowing and welcoming your children analysing their childhood is just as much parenting as teaching them how to cross a road. I value my relationship with them and their wellbeing more than my ego. And aren't we teaching them how to be with their children when they are adults and wanting to approach difficult events?

I suspect it's knowing how her mother will react to any discussion about her childhood that is causing the feelings, rather than the incidents themselves.

'As a parent of adult children I welcome my dc wanting to talk about things they are hurt about from the past. When I do this it shows that I value their inner experience and our connection. And lord knows I screwed up badly at times.'

That's very generous and brave of you. I'm sure it's very tough and even scary at times. Not many parents can prioritise their child's feelings like this

"That's very generous and brave of you. I'm sure it's very tough and even scary at times. Not many parents can prioritise their child's feelings like this"

What would be scary is my children thinking that my feelings trump theirs. I wouldn't want to leave that legacy behind me. What do you have to lose? You're showing your children how to grow and learn rather than modelling unhealthy patterns. Everyone wins.

'What do you have to lose?'

Well my mother gives every impression of feeling annihilated by any challenge or criticism. She cannot tolerate it and either lashes out (verbally), denies, minimises or gets angry. Not a chance of her ever taking my feelings seriously

I'm curious - do you find that making space for your children's feelings comes naturally to you, or have you had to consciously work at it, through therapy or otherwise?

Yeah I appreciate not all parents can offer the same. Mine couldn't and sound like yours. That was enough for me to know I wouldn't want my kids to view me like how mine were. I see that my parents lost out by not being mature about it. I'm doing things very differently.

https://open.spotify.com/show/2jCy27ZdATq6C4PZQtbHys
You might find this podcast helpful op. It addresses people who say "it happened a long time ago, you should put it behind you" as well as contact with people when it is difficult particularly in the context of narcissistic parents. I don't know whether your mum might be classified as narcissistic or not but I do get the whole thing of not realising how shocking/ traumatic/difficult things were for you as a child until it is explored in therapy.

Thank you I wasnt expecting so many responses. My counsellor has been very helpful and unpicked why I feel the way I do and actually, it has made me realise some of the negative behaviour is actually still playing out in the present.

Today I realised:
-My mum does not respect my boundaries
-She is still an alcoholic
-She is quite selfish and can not empathise easily

• She sometimes puts bullets in my gun regarding my ex which has not helped at all. She actually competes with him for my affection and has done for years.

I feel more at ease with my feelings and understand why they have cropped up again. I guess I have been leaning on her because I've felt quite alone in all of this. She has also been helpful at times and supportive in some ways, however, in others she hasn't.

I think I'm going to lean on her less and try to strengthen my boundaries a little.

@Beanstalks Ah, the fact that your mother is still an alcoholic puts a different spin on things. Relationships with people who suffer from substance abuse issues are so tricky and getting them to respect boundaries can be especially frustrating.

Sounds like you have a plan in place and I sincerely wish you the best of luck going forward. Take care!

It’s a huge shock when, through therapy you realise your parents have affected you as an adult and it takes time to process it all. It sounds like you have a good plan going forward.
I would keep talking to your therapist about it all, it’s very difficult dealing with an alcoholic parent. (My mum was one).

'I feel more at ease with my feelings and understand why they have cropped up'

Very best of luck to you. Therapy can be painful, unsettling work but it's so worth it

I’m my opinion your therapy is doing exactly what it should be doing. Your last paragraph is definitely what I think you should do.

When we understand the past and the affect it can have on us now in the present, we can move on and do something about it.

Yes we are invested in that.

The description of the mum could be a description of my dear friend. In most things she was an excellent mother but she wasn't perfect and had her own demons.

Where is the benefit for the OP in reducing her relationship with her mother to a list of complaints?

I agree with this.

I would hope that therapy resulted in less black and white thinking, ie "mum was a good/bad parent",, and encouraged you to hold onto the both/and.

So it's perfectly possible to acknowledge that some of your needs weren't met growing up and that your childhood has had an impact on your adult life, as well as recognising that your mum was raising you during a specific set of financial, emotional, practical circumstances and against the backdrop of her own childhood.

Most people are trying to do their best with the hand they've been dealt and for me to expect perfection from people implies that I feel I am completely faultless in all of my actions and relationships too.

I don't think op is expecting perfection which would be black and white thinking. It would alsi be binary to suggest that its never appropriate for an adult child to evaluate their parent She would like space to discuss real ongoing hurts and have her mum acknowledge that. Isn't there room in a good enough relationship to work towards healing? Isn't that what we would offer to people we love, for them to know the relationship can cope with the acknowledgement of how we have hurt and let down others. It seems that people are so threatened with honesty and accountability and would rather a fake trivial connection over anything real.

If you knew your adult dc were mulling over things would you rather they keep it to themselves and pretend or come talk to you? I guess it comes down to how real you want things to be.

I think society is changing. 50 years ago you got married and were largely expected to accept however your spouse behaved. Gradually we recognised that being married to someone didn't mean we couldn't want to be treated well, that we had a voice. Our family relationships are undergoing this new awareness now too and that makes a lot of people feel very uncomfortable. Crying 'but nobody is perfect' is just a way of pushing back and trying to suppress the need for accountability.

If your adult children come to you with things they're hurting about and your response is as above you're explicitly telling your child that their inner world doesn't matter to you and that you feeling okay is front and center at all times. How would we advise a spouse who posted here that they were hurt about something and their partner shut down any communication about it. Would we be telling them to just accept it even knowing it would be harmful and knowing that that is not how real relationships work and grow.

i find it really off that "mothers" are seemingly getting much more lenient treatment when it comes to their failings as a parent

forgive and forget does not and should not be applicable when someone's years of continuous failings have a long-lasting impact on their children's lives....and the person refuses to talk about or even acknowledge how much they messed up

@Beanstalks leaning on a parent, even an arguably bad one, is normal. this is supposed to be our first and greatest source of support, the literal minimum she is expected to do as a mother is to be supportive of her child during difficult time...and it sounds like she has failed you (again), by making it about herself. so don't feel bad about introducing some boundaries

It sounds like my counselling was quite similar. Personally I found it helpful if the therapist reacted with surprise or in some other way that maybe I was not expecting. These are often things that you have never talked about to anyone, so you still see them partly from the perspective you had at the time, as a child. Seeing it through someone else's eyes and realising properly that your habitual reaction is not the only reaction is helpful. My psychotherapist is highly qualified and experienced, and I'm pretty sure she does everything for a reason, including her reactions!

Maybe you don't need to lean on your mum very much, OP. You're hurting because of the divorce, but look at you seeking professional help, thinking through your issues and otherwise acting like a mature adult. You're doing all the right things to take care of yourself.

It sounds like your mum loves you and wants to be supportive but can't do it well. I listen to a podcast by a German psychologist, and one thing that comes up regularly is the idea of a parent's "tragic" lack of knowledge or skills. Meaning that it was unintentional (e.g. due to their own upbringing) and terribly sad. I quite like that, as saying "she can't help it" alone (without acknowledging the sadness) makes it sound like you should forget the bad behaviour - but focusing on blame fosters bittnerness.

It's no wonder so many people end up in dreadful relationships when we see how many parents modelled the art of pretending bad things don't hurt. And even modelled that wanting to talk about bad things makes you bad. There's a lot of people in their 50's going through an honest appraisal of their parents and trying to balance the two desires of authenticity and 'making things look okay'. And how else do we teach the next generation about acknowledging when they hurt others without modelling how we make amends for when we hurt people.

@Cleotolstoy I agree with you re making amend etc…

BUT we are talking about historical stuff here. How can you make amend on what you have done 30 years ago or more? Yes you can acknowledge that your behaviour wasn’t the best. You can apologise and then….? There isn’t a lot that they do. Their memory of what happened will be, understandably different. And there will be a hell of a lot of other stuff going on that a child didn’t know or couldn’t have comprehended too.

IF this is about what is happening NOW, then yes by any means, letting people know is essential. I’ve done that with my own parents though and I can promise you it’s not as easy as ‘well if they love you, they’ll do something about it’.

The reality is that we are all humans. We all make mistakes. We all do the best we can with what we have. And sometimes it’s not enough. But we need to be careful not to expect our parents to be perfect, esp if we can’t actually do that ourselves - with a reminder that we are probably failing in others areas that our parents didn’t fail on iyswim….

I went through a similar process when I had counselling, found myself feeling really angry towards both my parents. I processed that, with my counsellor, and reached a place of peace. They tried their best, were made from their own childhoods and do love me.

I'm sure you will get there.