Changed my username for this.
We had an argument last week and now DH is stonewalling me, while planning lots of trips away for him and his friends, brother etc. over the next few months and also cancelling a holiday we’d planned later this year with my mum. His reason for this is because I can’t go on an annual holiday with the in-laws for seven days this year as I can’t take the time off my new job or shift my days. He thinks I’m being selfish. I’ve tried to make it work by suggesting a 5 day holiday or even 6 days with them if we fly out after I leave work but he says that only means 3 full days there so isn’t worth it. It doesn’t help that because he has a more senior role he has a lot more flexibility with work and can take time off near enough whenever he wants. He’s been badgering me to get a consistent part time job (I was trying to build my own business back up after maternity but it wasn’t bringing in enough) and now that I’ve got one he’s annoyed that I don’t have the benefits of arranging holiday whenever I want. When we argued about this last week he stooped to some very low insults. This is not new, he becomes a real bully when we argue and puts me down without ever saying sorry and often stonewalling afterwards or pretending nothing happened. Apparently saying “you’re acting like a ‘c’ is a justifiable way to talk to me because it’s not the same as saying “you’re a c”… he also puts me down because our DS is more attached to me at the moment. He’s called me a ‘devouring mother’ and other similarly nasty comments because I still breastfeed (usually just morning feed and evening) at 23months old. I always said I’d like to feed until he turned 2 and then gradually wean unless he self weaned before. Most people I know are supportive of this or have done similar themselves but DH’s family mostly all bottle fed and comment negatively on it (something that never bothered me as I’m outspokenly confident in my decision and he always supported me before but now he’s started insulting me with it too). Our DS is a very bright, confident toddler with a seemingly secure attachment so I’m trying not to take his comments to heart as I don’t think they have genuine merit and are just cruel attempts to get under my skin.
I’m not really sure where I’m going with this post, I’m just starting to feel myself closing off and can’t see a clear way past everything. DH doesn’t seem to value my opinions at all and clearly thinks he’s in the right. I’m starting to notice bitter, twisted and spiteful remarks dressed as humour - even in front of other people now - and frankly feel like the shit on his shoe a lot of the time. Thing is, he goes out of his way to be very charming, witty, and actually heartfelt with others and when he says quite surprising - sometimes even harsh, misogynistic or sexist remarks - they don’t know whether to laugh or take him seriously and he likes using that shock tactic, it actually becomes endearing, like listening to a comedian. New people will laugh nervously and other men will say things like “you’re very brave” and glance at me for reassurance, perhaps hoping he’s just putting on a character while my friends just assume he’s being deliberately inflammatory and find it funny. Anyway, sorry for the very long ramble. I’m feeling very low about it all and don’t really know who to talk to. My friends all really like him and I don’t want to taint the relationship, especially if our marriage is salvageable. Equally, I’m fed up of playing pretend.
I’m wondering if I’m in the wrong for feeling this isn’t fair behaviour, a healthy dynamic in a relationship, or a way to treat someone you supposedly love. Maybe I’m approaching this all wrong. He’s made it clear he thinks the problem is with me and not him and seems to be waiting on me to realise this and buckle? But his insults have gone too far and I’m not happy to let things slide. Trying to make better sense of this dynamic so I can approach it with a clearer head.