DH stonewalling me. Feeling confused, stuck, am I in the wrong?

[noenergyforthis]

Changed my username for this.

We had an argument last week and now DH is stonewalling me, while planning lots of trips away for him and his friends, brother etc. over the next few months and also cancelling a holiday we’d planned later this year with my mum. His reason for this is because I can’t go on an annual holiday with the in-laws for seven days this year as I can’t take the time off my new job or shift my days. He thinks I’m being selfish. I’ve tried to make it work by suggesting a 5 day holiday or even 6 days with them if we fly out after I leave work but he says that only means 3 full days there so isn’t worth it. It doesn’t help that because he has a more senior role he has a lot more flexibility with work and can take time off near enough whenever he wants. He’s been badgering me to get a consistent part time job (I was trying to build my own business back up after maternity but it wasn’t bringing in enough) and now that I’ve got one he’s annoyed that I don’t have the benefits of arranging holiday whenever I want. When we argued about this last week he stooped to some very low insults. This is not new, he becomes a real bully when we argue and puts me down without ever saying sorry and often stonewalling afterwards or pretending nothing happened. Apparently saying “you’re acting like a ‘c’ is a justifiable way to talk to me because it’s not the same as saying “you’re a c”… he also puts me down because our DS is more attached to me at the moment. He’s called me a ‘devouring mother’ and other similarly nasty comments because I still breastfeed (usually just morning feed and evening) at 23months old. I always said I’d like to feed until he turned 2 and then gradually wean unless he self weaned before. Most people I know are supportive of this or have done similar themselves but DH’s family mostly all bottle fed and comment negatively on it (something that never bothered me as I’m outspokenly confident in my decision and he always supported me before but now he’s started insulting me with it too). Our DS is a very bright, confident toddler with a seemingly secure attachment so I’m trying not to take his comments to heart as I don’t think they have genuine merit and are just cruel attempts to get under my skin.

I’m not really sure where I’m going with this post, I’m just starting to feel myself closing off and can’t see a clear way past everything. DH doesn’t seem to value my opinions at all and clearly thinks he’s in the right. I’m starting to notice bitter, twisted and spiteful remarks dressed as humour - even in front of other people now - and frankly feel like the shit on his shoe a lot of the time. Thing is, he goes out of his way to be very charming, witty, and actually heartfelt with others and when he says quite surprising - sometimes even harsh, misogynistic or sexist remarks - they don’t know whether to laugh or take him seriously and he likes using that shock tactic, it actually becomes endearing, like listening to a comedian. New people will laugh nervously and other men will say things like “you’re very brave” and glance at me for reassurance, perhaps hoping he’s just putting on a character while my friends just assume he’s being deliberately inflammatory and find it funny. Anyway, sorry for the very long ramble. I’m feeling very low about it all and don’t really know who to talk to. My friends all really like him and I don’t want to taint the relationship, especially if our marriage is salvageable. Equally, I’m fed up of playing pretend.

I’m wondering if I’m in the wrong for feeling this isn’t fair behaviour, a healthy dynamic in a relationship, or a way to treat someone you supposedly love. Maybe I’m approaching this all wrong. He’s made it clear he thinks the problem is with me and not him and seems to be waiting on me to realise this and buckle? But his insults have gone too far and I’m not happy to let things slide. Trying to make better sense of this dynamic so I can approach it with a clearer head.

Oh wow thank you so much for all your responses, I’m actually in tears. Pretty unanimous. It feels like a big deal to be posting about this and not just reading other threads in search of answers.

@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you for mentioning not to try counselling. I had thought about it as I think his growing misogyny stems from his unhealthy relationship with his mum but we’ve never gone. I won’t try pursuing it now.

Logically, leaving makes total sense but in reality I worry it could make things so much worse and that’s what stops me so far.

DH has a large, close-knit and very wealthy family, and I have no doubt he’d get the best solicitors, etc. I have only my mum who’s amazing and who I’m very close to but has very little money and has experienced a lot of tragedy in her life recently so I don’t want to stress her more. She has no working shower and lots of basic things need doing in her house that she can’t afford to fix yet like a shattered glass door. I don’t think I could move in with DS until that’s fixed. On some level, I know if I had a bigger support network I’d find it easier to leave and this does get me down. She’s witnessed some of DH’s treatment of me but she’s the type of person who tries to brush it over as a normal marital row once it’s over and I think she also worries how I’ll cope if I leave because she was a single mum with me after leaving an abusive relationship, her divorce was messy, and she’s since struggled financially her whole life, even while working full time and with the support of my grandparents. Also, DH generally has a really positive relationship with her too so on some level, like me she wants to continue that.

The thought of a 50% split breaks me. Also, I feel like because there are so many children and younger adults in DH’s family and they have big houses and can afford to do more exciting things, over the years DS would gravitate towards going there and become closer with them, leaving me alone. I want the best for DS but that terrifies me and sometimes the thought of putting up and shutting up so I can be part of the big family with DS seems like a better option because in reality these stories of leaving don’t always end positively. On the extreme end I worry DH could be vindictive enough to actually go for full custody and that thought is unbearable. He’s a likeable, very articulate person with lots of connections and that makes me nervous. I’m not saying he would do that, he’s just so unpredictable sometimes and if he knew it would hurt me, maybe he’d go that far.

When we are good we’re really good. It’s just the small percentage of time we aren’t it feels abnormally toxic. Like being with Jekyll and Hyde. I’m careful not to argue in front of DS but I agree I don’t want it to impact him and eventually he will pick up on things. I do ask how would DH feel if DS grew up to treat women like that but he seems to think men are now becoming more unfairly treated in society and feels sorry that DS is going to grow up in the kind of world where “if he puts his hand up in school a girl will be picked to answer over him”. There’s little getting through to him and his opinions on things like this seem to have stemmed out of nowhere over the years. Makes me very sad.

He’s an abusive cunt. That’s it.

He cancelled your holiday because the job he badgered you to get means you can’t drop everything to go on another holiday with his parents? He calls you names and abuses you for the way your parent your child? He’s punishing you with silence and unsettling you by booking holiday after holiday for himself?

He’s a controlling, nasty, spiteful, abusive, misogynistic malevolent presence in your life.

For the time being build yourself up and try to ignore his abuse. So easy for me to say but I think its important that you realise that nothing he says to you is personal. Mad isn't it? He's an abuser, you could be earning 250k working an hour a day and he would still abuse you. He gets enjoyment out of hurting you. It's really nothing to do with who you are or anything you are doing. Keep your head down, work on YOU and plan a life for you and your boy. You really do need to leave though, your son will grow up just like him and so the cycle continues. A little thing you might like to try for when you do split up, if he threatens 50/50, very neutrally say something like 'yes, I think its really important he spends equal time with us both AND we get time to ourselves to move on with our lives'. The thing is with abusive men like this, the 50/50 threat is used because they know it hurts you. He will not like the idea of you having any time to yourself in reality so act like you have really thought about it and are on board. Play smart.

He's abusive. There is nothing right in the way he is behaving. Whatever you do, you're Wrong in his eyes.

He needs to be gong on holidays without you for the rest of his life.

My abusive XH tried suggesting the 50/50 thing - to our 7 year old daughter, not to me - because he knew she'd come home and tell me. As @pillsthrillsandbellyache says, it's a threat they like to use. But it didn't work because I (terrified that she might actually want to do it) said to her very gently if that's what you want, then let's talk to daddy about it; she has never mentioned it again.

So XH is trying a different tack - he has flatly refused to have her any more than the EOW and 1 night in the week that we do in term-time, because it puts all the pressure on me (I have to work full-time to keep us) with regard to childcare, and of course there is no time for me to have a life.

These are the games they play @noenergyforthis and whilst I understand the allure of the big family and all that goes with it (me and DD are also just the two of us, with my dad) it is in no way worth the damage staying with XH would have done to both me and DD. We are free, and happy. Skint, and tired, but free, and happy.