Sometimes, I sleep with my ex husband

[Yorkshirepuddled]

This is all embarrassing and complicated.

We divorced 12 months ago. We just couldn't get along towards the end. I had changed, wanted to live life differently to how he lived it, and we had grown apart. I became interested in healthy living and he didn't. He also became quite egotistical after being promoted at work and he would make sarcastic remarks about me in the presence of his new work colleagues, clearly in a bid to be liked but I found it pathetic and felt betrayed.

We moved to our current town, away from our family and friends 5 years ago. We both love where we live; our two young children are settled here. But in some ways, we are still each other's best friend. We have both made friends, he's a member of the tennis club, I go to the gym and to a dance class. We've both consciously made friends but close friends are difficult to build, particularly in a place where everyone knows each other and already have long standing friendships. We are both quite lonely deep down and still want to spend time together and don't want to move back to our hometown either.

We both come from broken homes. My parents are alcoholics, his are, quite frankly controlling and crazy. We both kind of fell towards each other when we met and married. Neither of us have any desire to move back home and be anywhere near our families. We are both each other's childcare and support when it comes to the children. We both rely on each other heavily. We still care for each other if the other one is ill. Managing the children is so much easier when he's around, he says the same thing about me. Holidays are exhausting as single parents, so we always go together.

Then, every 6-8 weeks, we end up sleeping together. We discuss possibly getting back together, never do then try to continue being divorced again before it happens again. If I had supportive parents/siblings around me, I imagine it might be easier for me to detach from him, but I don't and I don't want to rely on them. He's a good father and I'm glad we have him around to help us.

I'm making friends, going out for drinks sometimes, trying new experiences, but no matter what, I always emotionally gravitate back to my ex.We looked at seriously getting back together 3 months ago with the help of a therapist, but it wasn't successful.

I went on a couple of dates in February but couldn't see myself building a relationship with either of the men I met. I enjoyed the dates, but enjoy my ex's company more.

I don't regret the divorce because I was extremely unhappy in the marriage towards the end. We were arguing a lot, slept in separate rooms and I didn't like the company he was keeping at work and how he appeared to be turning into these people. We probably have sex more now that we're separated than we did when we were together! It's all surreal and bizarre. Part of me thinks that he likely regrets the way he was towards the end of our marriage, as he is somehow being better now that we're divorced. But then when we discuss our issues, he's so obstructive and closed off about what the issues were that it all seems impossible.

I hate how dysfunctional all of this is. Our children are unaware of any rekindling when it happens, but it's all so confusing for me. My alcoholic parents have had the audacity to make comments about my ex husbands presence when they have visited a couple of times over the last 12 months. Yet they offer no support at all. I wouldn't really want it as they're so unpredictable and not good role models to my children, but I wish I could detach from my ex husband or find a way of being together happily.

Please don't judge- I think I just need a hand hold.

I think many will recognise getting on better with the ex after they become the ex. The sex is familiar/reliable, you get to pick and choose when you spend time together, but don't have to co-habit and rely on each other.

But you sound as though this isn't working for you deep down. If you'd like to move on emotionally and meet someone else romantically (doesn't need to be for the same level of commitment as a marriage) you will struggle to do so while you're still entangled with your ex.

How will you feel when he meets someone else?

Sorry that was meant to be a curious question, not a provocative one.

Hand holds from me.

It's really not unusual to have sex with your ex. They're easy and familiar and now you've split up, you can do it when you want to without feeling obliged. I had sex with my ex for three years, until he married the other woman, when I refused to do it again because he was a married man 😂. The fact of his being unfaithful to her, with me, in the years before their marriage was quite entertaining for me, and the sex was ok. Was he using me? Might have been. Was I using him? Definitely.

If I were you, I wouldn't think of 'rekindling'. If he talks about it, shut him down. Keep building your own life, without him, and let him be a cheerful fuckbuddy when you're both in the mood. Don't let him mess with your head or your life. Let him focus on your fanny, or be off.

Sounds like you both have a good thing going the way it is, like living apart together. But how would you feel when he meets someone else and wants a committee relationship with another woman?

@Yorkshirepuddled it sounds like your main concern is that you are doing something wrong. If no one had an opinion on you & your ex having sex regularly, would you be bothered?
Is there actually anything wrong with what you are doing?
I don't think so. As long as you are both wanting to do this and you both feel the same, why not?
It sounds like you both support each other in other ways too, so why not continue as you are.
Some couples end up in a relationship that you are describing where you continue to be close, you support each other and it often works better than when they lived together. There's nothing wrong with this. If you are both happy with this arrangement, long may it continue.

I would just say it's important for you to be honest with each other, if one of you meets someone else, then you need to sit down & discuss things.

Maybe you are more suited to a together but living apart set up
I don’t judge you !!

but you need to talk and either formalise this align ?

Sex with the ex is very common, 80% of my relationships I continued having sex after we broke up (the ones that involved a friendly break up obvs), I believe that’s the natural or organic way of disengaging. The sex usually lasts a few months to a year (depending on the length of the relationship or how deep the bond was). It always ends at some point, usually when you or him start dating someone else.

@Yorkshirepuddled I think this type of situation is quite common. It’s you both trying to find a new normal. You get on better as you no longer have the same expectations of each other. But with you still being familiar you fall into sleeping together every so often. Its confusing when these types of situations happen but you both must know deep down it doesn’t work as a relationship otherwise you would be back together by now. It’s ok to depend on each other for now and you will both take comfort in being each others security blanket. But what happens if and when your ex meets someone else? Until you both make stricter boundaries it will be harder for you to move on, and you will feel hurt if he moves on. You think he seems better but that’s because you are only seeing him in snippets, he is showing you he’s still the same person though as when you try and talk to him about the issues he’s closed off. To start off with it was probably easier to transition doing what you do but 12 months down the line I think it would be wise to stop blurring the lines. You will struggle to start a new life still attached in this way.

Sounds great.

Don't have to live with a man but great co-parenting and regular sex

Exactly this OP! And I hope you take comfort that no-one has judged. All that really matters is how you feel. Don't worry about anyone else.

It's really not unusual to have sex with your ex. They're easy and familiar and now you've split up, you can do it when you want to without feeling obliged. I had sex with my ex for three years, until he married the other woman, when I refused to do it again because he was a married man 😂. The fact of his being unfaithful to her, withme, in the years before their marriage was quite entertaining for me, and the sex was ok. Was he using me? Might have been. Was I using him? Definitely.

All of this! 18 months in my case - until they got engaged.

It's kind of an FWB arrangement, isn't it? Doesn't mean the relationship's any better than it was towards the bitter end.

Sounds to me like you have the best of both worlds. If you’re happy, then you’re happy.

Thank you for the support here. It's like a weight off my mind hearing people say that actually, this set up is ok!

I can't say I'm "happy" with the situation. When I married 7 years ago, I thought it was for life and I envisioned a happy future together.

Given the short marriage and the fact that I'm 37, I'd like the opportunity to meet someone else and marry again eventually. I know that can never happen with the current set up the way it is, but I also don't feel ready to meet someone else either yet.

Maybe I'll feel differently in a few months. I feel like I've spent the last year justifying to my friends and family why I still spend time with my ex, why we still spend time together as a family. I'm angry with my parents for their interferences in particular when infact, they are of no help whatsoever.

I enjoy our family time together and it feels a shame that it should end because we couldn't get along as husband and wife.

It does sound kinda perfect. You are getting the best of each other without the drudgery of domestic life and annoying work mates. Maybe someone else will come along at some point but in the meantime it seems to be working.

Society puts patterns and expectations on us that we don’t have to follow any more. Who cares what your parents think.

All of this! 18 months in my case - until they got engaged

Sorry what??

@Yorkshirepuddled If there’s no one else involved and it works for now then don’t rush to change it if you’re not ready. I do think it’s common when kids are involved (so you can’t have that clean break) to go back and forth. But maybe you should slowly start to change your thinking into that it’s you both transitioning into just co parents rather than rekindling. If you seriously tried a few months ago which didn’t work and he’s shutting down talking about issues then it’s just a no go. Not forgetting how unhappy you were when together. It’s easy to forget the reality when you are just getting the good bits and have no relationship expectations. I would also ask yourself truthfully how you would feel if he met someone else. Because if you are co parenting great now, don’t ruin that by letting things get to the point of you being hurt and upset if he meets someone. You will get to a point where your life feels at a stand still and you will find it harder and harder to keep doing what you’re doing. But don’t care what anyone else thinks, do what’s right for you all as a family.

This is an interesting thread! I remember starting a thread a while back about having a fwb situation with an ex and all the comments were no don’t go there don’t do it, all negative and trying to advise against it so interesting to see this one so positive!

Sorry what what, @EarthSight? I was shagging my XH until he got engaged. Apart from the time period, word for word the same as @StopStartStop.

I also knocked it on the head, btw. He made some virtuous noises about his commitment to his new fiancée, but it was me who pushed him out the door.

transitioning than rekindling

I was just thinking this is a really important point, @Shapemyeyebrows. It's a transitional state that suits the current circumstances. It's a phase in moving towards a different future, not backwards to the past.

CONTRACEPTION!!!??

Works well!

Sounds like you're making things work in the best way you can given that you couldn't stay married and living together.

I think it's fine as long as you're both happy It will doubtless end when you meet someone else in due course

I like the phrase "transitioning" too. It makes me feel much more at ease with the situation.

I won't lie, if he met someone else, I'd be devastated.