Sometimes, I sleep with my ex husband

[Yorkshirepuddled]

This is all embarrassing and complicated.

We divorced 12 months ago. We just couldn't get along towards the end. I had changed, wanted to live life differently to how he lived it, and we had grown apart. I became interested in healthy living and he didn't. He also became quite egotistical after being promoted at work and he would make sarcastic remarks about me in the presence of his new work colleagues, clearly in a bid to be liked but I found it pathetic and felt betrayed.

We moved to our current town, away from our family and friends 5 years ago. We both love where we live; our two young children are settled here. But in some ways, we are still each other's best friend. We have both made friends, he's a member of the tennis club, I go to the gym and to a dance class. We've both consciously made friends but close friends are difficult to build, particularly in a place where everyone knows each other and already have long standing friendships. We are both quite lonely deep down and still want to spend time together and don't want to move back to our hometown either.

We both come from broken homes. My parents are alcoholics, his are, quite frankly controlling and crazy. We both kind of fell towards each other when we met and married. Neither of us have any desire to move back home and be anywhere near our families. We are both each other's childcare and support when it comes to the children. We both rely on each other heavily. We still care for each other if the other one is ill. Managing the children is so much easier when he's around, he says the same thing about me. Holidays are exhausting as single parents, so we always go together.

Then, every 6-8 weeks, we end up sleeping together. We discuss possibly getting back together, never do then try to continue being divorced again before it happens again. If I had supportive parents/siblings around me, I imagine it might be easier for me to detach from him, but I don't and I don't want to rely on them. He's a good father and I'm glad we have him around to help us.

I'm making friends, going out for drinks sometimes, trying new experiences, but no matter what, I always emotionally gravitate back to my ex.We looked at seriously getting back together 3 months ago with the help of a therapist, but it wasn't successful.

I went on a couple of dates in February but couldn't see myself building a relationship with either of the men I met. I enjoyed the dates, but enjoy my ex's company more.

I don't regret the divorce because I was extremely unhappy in the marriage towards the end. We were arguing a lot, slept in separate rooms and I didn't like the company he was keeping at work and how he appeared to be turning into these people. We probably have sex more now that we're separated than we did when we were together! It's all surreal and bizarre. Part of me thinks that he likely regrets the way he was towards the end of our marriage, as he is somehow being better now that we're divorced. But then when we discuss our issues, he's so obstructive and closed off about what the issues were that it all seems impossible.

I hate how dysfunctional all of this is. Our children are unaware of any rekindling when it happens, but it's all so confusing for me. My alcoholic parents have had the audacity to make comments about my ex husbands presence when they have visited a couple of times over the last 12 months. Yet they offer no support at all. I wouldn't really want it as they're so unpredictable and not good role models to my children, but I wish I could detach from my ex husband or find a way of being together happily.

Please don't judge- I think I just need a hand hold.

@Yorkshirepuddled In that case I would try to stop the sex part. I’m the same in that if I still have an emotional connection with one person I find it hard to move onto someone else until that’s gone but men do tend to be able to separate their feelings better than us. Not saying he is going to meet someone else but just from other situations like this I have seen in the past; it’s usually the man who meets someone else first. So do what’s best for you but also protect yourself.

If you know you’d be devastated if he met someone else then actually this isn’t okay. You need to either formalise it, in terms of being apart but exclusive, or you need to separate more and stop sleeping together. You’re going to end up really hurt otherwise.

Also, just to add it does sound like you are more invested in the idea of possibly rekindling than he is. You say in your OP he is obstructive and closes down when discussing what your issues were. So just be careful he’s not happy with status quo but also having his cake and eating it (unknown to you). Whilst there’s nothing wrong with your set up I think these situations only really work if you are both on the same page, otherwise there could be heartache down the line which risks the friendly co parenting. It does take time though to untangle lives together so your current situation is understandable. I went through a phase in the past of still seeing an ex every weekend, we still did stuff together because we still enjoyed each others company but it slowly fizzled out over about a year because I eventually felt stuck and wasn’t moving forward. We didn’t sleep together during that time though which is think is the difference here.

It will happen eventually (he will meet someone) and you don’t know where you’ll be, maybe you’ll have met someone by them, maybe not. I would continue having sex and not worry. If he meets someone and it breaks your heart so be it, you knew the risks. Life has painful moments take this as one of them.

This would be my main concern. As others have said, absolutely nothing wrong with the situation as it stands. You're both consenting adults and as long as the parenting situation is stable and happy for the children, then no harm done. But it sounds like you're not ready to move on. Obviously we don't know if he is. He could just be biding his time until he does meet someone else. I don't like to generalise but I reckon in this situation a man could move on much quicker and easier than a women, if an alternative appeared that he preferred. And I'd worry how that would leave you emotionally and also the potential impact on parenting of the children, as the dynamic would almost certainly shift massively. Don't put yourself in a position to be the one left with emotional upset and having to coparent with someone you may end up resenting for rejecting you. You deserve better.

Agree

I agree with this reply. Others aren't wrong, either, that you're in danger of clinging to a vain hope of a new, better permanent relationship with him. It could happen but is very unlikely, and terminally daft to base decisions on that hope.

Just as it's foolish to place your trust in hopes against the evidence, it doesn't make sense to end a convenient arrangement just because it's going to end at some point! It will start getting in the way when one of you wants to start another serious relationship. It may end sooner if the shine wears off and one of you feels taken for granted.

Until then, you're in a mutually beneficial 'situationship' that marks a phase in your development of an eventual co-parenting arrangement. It's a stage of separation, if you like. There isn't much point in rushing to the next stage, as long as you're comfortable.

Yes. I am rather jealous.

@Sandra1984 / @GarlicGrace

I strongly disagree. Having what is essentially a FWB arrangement with someone who you are clearly very emotionally attached to is just inviting inevitable heartbreak. It's madness.

In the OP's position, I think she should either look to formalise the arrangement as a post-divorce relationship that's exclusive but recognising clear boundaries, or knock it in the head. If she simply wants sex, then she should be able to find an obliging man somewhere.

And it's good we're not constrained by traditional set ups any more.

However continuing to shag your ex whilst they are developing a relationship with another woman, even to the point of their engagement, is grim and messed up.

It's very common. All of my friends who broke up with their ex because he had another woman ended up sleeping with him behind o/w back . Interestingly they all said the sex was better and more exciting than it was in the marriage!

I was 100% with you until you said you wanted to remarry (to someone else).

Whilst you are sleeping with your XH, you remain emotionally attached (even if you tell yourself you aren't) and your chances of meeting anyone else are slim because any other man you meet will not measure up.

Whereas men don't have the same attachment to women they have sex with and he will easily move on leaving you the loser here.

If you're happy tootling along like this for the foreseeable then do so but I would caution against it if you are genuinely interested in remarrying.

My colleague was always sleeping with her ex, even got pregnant with him and co parented a second child. I was v naive and confused at the time. Actually makes sense.

Sounds like you need more friends though. Maybe find a way whilst he's looking after your kids. Try holidaying with other mums instead?