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Original poster

Should he have stood up for me

44 replies

weneedhelpandlove · 31/07/2023 16:07

This is hugely embarrassing and I realise I'll probably get a lot of negative comments but I'm really upset and I'm trying to work out why.

I've always wanted a septum piercing but a previous ex broke my nose really badly during lockdown so now my nose goes off to one side. I hate it a lot and I try and not think about it but I'll never be able to afford to get it fixed. Anyway I went to a piercer today and my partner went with me, it was just a consultation to see if I had the anatomy to get it done. Anyway the piercer just sat in front of me and just ridiculed me for 15 minutes. Here's a few quotes I remember between my tears.

'Wow I've never seen a nose as fucked up as yours'

'Here's some pictures of septum's I've pierced but obviously non of them are as wonky as yours'

'If I book you in I'll just put you down as wonky nose' followed by laughing.

The list goes on. It was horrible. I felt like a kid being bullied and I just went quiet and tried to stop myself from bursting into tears. My partner just sat there. I realise I should've stood up for myself or even walked out but I had really hoped he'd atleast say something. Even if it was just 'okay no more jokes now'. I know he's not my parent and I'm an adult and should've handled it myself but if it where you would you be upset too? Or am I being a dramatic idiot who needs to get a grip

OP posts:
growgrowinggrown · 31/07/2023 16:10

That sounds awful, but I think your anger is misplaced slightly.
If you didn't bother to stand up for yourself then it's unfair to have expected your partner to have done so too.
Pop a review on Google of the shop and what was said so other people know what a pick the piercer was and then try to put it to the back of your mind.

Dozycuntlaters · 31/07/2023 16:12

Why on earth did you stay in there for 15 minutes allowing him to insult you. You should have just got up and left. If this had been my partner then I would have said something, and told them come on, lets go somewhere else.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 31/07/2023 16:16

You let him insult you for 15 minutes instead of walking out or telling him that there was no way someone as pig ignorant and rude as him was going to get your custom?

I know customer service has gone down the tubes but come on.

Original poster
weneedhelpandlove · 31/07/2023 16:17

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 31/07/2023 16:16

You let him insult you for 15 minutes instead of walking out or telling him that there was no way someone as pig ignorant and rude as him was going to get your custom?

I know customer service has gone down the tubes but come on.

I was partly in shock and by the fact my ex was extremely abusive, hence my nose, I get scared of men easily. So instead of fight or flight I just freeze.

OP posts:
Original poster
weneedhelpandlove · 31/07/2023 16:18

Dozycuntlaters · 31/07/2023 16:12

Why on earth did you stay in there for 15 minutes allowing him to insult you. You should have just got up and left. If this had been my partner then I would have said something, and told them come on, lets go somewhere else.

I was partly in shock and by the fact my ex was extremely abusive, hence my nose, I get scared of men easily. So instead of fight or flight I just freeze.

OP posts:
Original poster
weneedhelpandlove · 31/07/2023 16:19

growgrowinggrown · 31/07/2023 16:10

That sounds awful, but I think your anger is misplaced slightly.
If you didn't bother to stand up for yourself then it's unfair to have expected your partner to have done so too.
Pop a review on Google of the shop and what was said so other people know what a pick the piercer was and then try to put it to the back of your mind.

I agree I guess it's just that I always go out of my way to stand up for him and then the one time I really needed someone he just didn't

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 31/07/2023 16:19

TBH I'm not very impressed with your DP in that case, standing there and let that happen.

Original poster
weneedhelpandlove · 31/07/2023 16:20

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 31/07/2023 16:19

TBH I'm not very impressed with your DP in that case, standing there and let that happen.

That's how I'm feeling. I just wanted to be protected which I know sounds pathetic but I felt like a child and I can't stop crying now

OP posts:
Defaultsettings · 31/07/2023 16:24

Maybe your partner didn’t want to dominate you? As you sat there and accepted the situation, he probably thought you were ok. Did you not make any kind of eye contact with your partner in 15 minutes? I could easily look at my DP and signal that I wanted to leave.

HelloHello183 · 31/07/2023 16:25

Sorry that happened to you, I can understand why you are upset because you do expect your partner to stick up for you especially when it is happening right in front of them. As for that piercer he is a pure dick.

Original poster
weneedhelpandlove · 31/07/2023 16:26

Defaultsettings · 31/07/2023 16:24

Maybe your partner didn’t want to dominate you? As you sat there and accepted the situation, he probably thought you were ok. Did you not make any kind of eye contact with your partner in 15 minutes? I could easily look at my DP and signal that I wanted to leave.

I looked at him with tears in my eyes and when the piercer went to get their phone with the photos of other septum's they'd pierced I said this is 'horrible and it's making me feel like shit' and still he said nothing. I know I'm an adult but with my previous violent relationship my current partner knows when it comes to confrontation I just can't, I get scared.

OP posts:
Defaultsettings · 31/07/2023 16:30

weneedhelpandlove · 31/07/2023 16:26

I looked at him with tears in my eyes and when the piercer went to get their phone with the photos of other septum's they'd pierced I said this is 'horrible and it's making me feel like shit' and still he said nothing. I know I'm an adult but with my previous violent relationship my current partner knows when it comes to confrontation I just can't, I get scared.

Show quote history

This makes all the difference. My DP would have said “come in then, let’s go” and he would’ve left.

GreyCarpet · 31/07/2023 16:44

weneedhelpandlove · 31/07/2023 16:26

I looked at him with tears in my eyes and when the piercer went to get their phone with the photos of other septum's they'd pierced I said this is 'horrible and it's making me feel like shit' and still he said nothing. I know I'm an adult but with my previous violent relationship my current partner knows when it comes to confrontation I just can't, I get scared.

Show quote history

Do you know something? I usually come onto threads on here and try and see it from both sides. Not because I'm an apologist for shit men but because I tend to think not everything is obviously black and white.

I read you posts thinking - maybe he was taking his cue from you; maybe he didn't want to draw attention to your discomfort; maybe he misread the situation. You should be standing up for yourself.

But I got to the post I've quoted and I'm not sure who behaved the bigger dick in that situation - your boyfirned or the other bloke. If my boyfriend and I found ourselves I that situation, he'd have said we were leaving once he knew I was upset.

The fact you were there with your partner who didn't have your back means it would have been harder for you to walk out. In effect, you'd have had to stand up to both of them. Not just the piercer.

Have you spoken to him about it?

UsingChangeofName · 31/07/2023 16:47

Yes, with your information about your history (which I presume you have shared with your current dp?), then I do think he should have stood up for you.

From the title, I was expecting to say you should stand up for yourself, but your history does make a difference.

I think you need to sit down calmly with you partner now, and explain this to him though. He probably has no concept of the fact you were triggered, and that is why you froze. Don't be angry, but EXPLAIN, and talk to him about how he could help if ever (God forbid) you meet another dick like the piercer again.

Original poster
weneedhelpandlove · 31/07/2023 16:49

@GreyCarpet I left the shop. Felt like I couldn't move. I genuinely just froze outside the shop and started to cry. In his defence he did say I'm beautiful and not to let it get to me but it just didn't go in. All I kept thinking was 'why didn't you help in that situation' we had a silent walk home and he's not just gone for a nap. I struggling with how I'm feeling because I appreciate that he gave me a compliment but at the same time it was a situation that brought me straight back to my ex and I felt so trapped and humiliated I feel so let down and alone about it. Which is what's making me think I'm just being dramatic but if it was the other way round I would've stuck up for him, especially with my history 😭

OP posts:
Summerhillsquare · 31/07/2023 16:50

Yeah, he's a coward.

tribpot · 31/07/2023 16:55

He gave you a compliment when it was going to cost him nothing to do so. When you actually needed him he had checked out.

I don't think this is a person who is ever going to have your back when it matters.

Have you done the Freedom Programme? If not, I think this might be a good starting point for you.

RedDoughnut · 31/07/2023 16:58

I think you should do on social media and review the piercing person.

Your boyfriend is another problem.

I'm really sorry this happened to you OP. I hope the piercer goes bankrupt!

AuntieDolly · 31/07/2023 17:00

Might your boyfriend have felt intimidated by the piercer?

GreyCarpet · 31/07/2023 17:03

weneedhelpandlove · 31/07/2023 16:49

@GreyCarpet I left the shop. Felt like I couldn't move. I genuinely just froze outside the shop and started to cry. In his defence he did say I'm beautiful and not to let it get to me but it just didn't go in. All I kept thinking was 'why didn't you help in that situation' we had a silent walk home and he's not just gone for a nap. I struggling with how I'm feeling because I appreciate that he gave me a compliment but at the same time it was a situation that brought me straight back to my ex and I felt so trapped and humiliated I feel so let down and alone about it. Which is what's making me think I'm just being dramatic but if it was the other way round I would've stuck up for him, especially with my history 😭

He gave you a compliment when it was going to cost him nothing to do so. When you actually needed him he had checked out.

This.

This is a weak man.

You are not being dramatic. He doesn't have your back and he isn't on your team.

It's easy to be lovely and amazing when all is going well. That's why 'fairweather friends' are a thing. These little moments, these incidents are opportunities together strengthen the bond of a relationship or weaken it.

If he'd defended you, it would have reassured you, strengthened your trust in him, built the bond between you. As it is, his behaviour did the opposite.

Blatantlyfemale · 31/07/2023 17:04

Yes he should have stood up for you. I would stand up for a friend or partner.

If you have friends or a partner you shouldn’t have to go through life alone. You have each other’s backs.

Blatantlyfemale · 31/07/2023 17:05

GreyCarpet · 31/07/2023 17:03

He gave you a compliment when it was going to cost him nothing to do so. When you actually needed him he had checked out.

This.

This is a weak man.

You are not being dramatic. He doesn't have your back and he isn't on your team.

It's easy to be lovely and amazing when all is going well. That's why 'fairweather friends' are a thing. These little moments, these incidents are opportunities together strengthen the bond of a relationship or weaken it.

If he'd defended you, it would have reassured you, strengthened your trust in him, built the bond between you. As it is, his behaviour did the opposite.

Show quote history

I agree with all of this.

Wheredoistart78 · 31/07/2023 17:05

Hmmm, I'm not sure I believe this.

I was beaten by my ex husband for 15 years, I wouldn't let a man look at me sideways now. Appreciate we're all different but.....

Wheredoistart78 · 31/07/2023 17:07

Perhaps the boyfriend was bullied or similar and finds it hard to stand up for others. Works both ways.

DeadbeatYoda · 31/07/2023 17:10

If I was with a partner and that happened I'd make it clear that I was shocked at the comments and if my partner confirmed my worry I would have spoken out.