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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should he have stood up for me

44 replies

weneedhelpandlove · 31/07/2023 16:07

This is hugely embarrassing and I realise I'll probably get a lot of negative comments but I'm really upset and I'm trying to work out why.

I've always wanted a septum piercing but a previous ex broke my nose really badly during lockdown so now my nose goes off to one side. I hate it a lot and I try and not think about it but I'll never be able to afford to get it fixed. Anyway I went to a piercer today and my partner went with me, it was just a consultation to see if I had the anatomy to get it done. Anyway the piercer just sat in front of me and just ridiculed me for 15 minutes. Here's a few quotes I remember between my tears.

'Wow I've never seen a nose as fucked up as yours'

'Here's some pictures of septum's I've pierced but obviously non of them are as wonky as yours'

'If I book you in I'll just put you down as wonky nose' followed by laughing.

The list goes on. It was horrible. I felt like a kid being bullied and I just went quiet and tried to stop myself from bursting into tears. My partner just sat there. I realise I should've stood up for myself or even walked out but I had really hoped he'd atleast say something. Even if it was just 'okay no more jokes now'. I know he's not my parent and I'm an adult and should've handled it myself but if it where you would you be upset too? Or am I being a dramatic idiot who needs to get a grip

OP posts:
JibbaJab · 31/07/2023 17:10

I'm a guy and if it was me I would have told him to go fuck himself and taken you out of there as soon as it started. Then I would make a complaint and slate the place on socials.

misssunshine4040 · 31/07/2023 17:10

I'm sorry that you had to go through that.
I completely understand why you froze and couldn't react due to the nature of why your nose was broken.
I would have expected anyone to stand up for me who knew my backstory. Your boyfriend is out of order not stepping in for you and telling the piercer to stop.
Disgusting behaviour from both parties

Blatantlyfemale · 31/07/2023 17:11

The fact you were there with your partner who didn't have your back means it would have been harder for you to walk out. In effect, you'd have had to stand up to both of them. Not just the piercer.

And this. Totally accurate. I was married to a man like this and it really does make it harder to stand up for yourself as you know he will just stand there looking uncomfortable if you do, and the person you are standing up to will, at best, see their lack of support or, at worst, will see it as your own partner not agreeing with you.

It was a lonely marriage and I would not recommend being in a relationship with a man like this. They are only on your side, in any situation, when it’s easy for them.

misssunshine4040 · 31/07/2023 17:11

Wheredoistart78 · 31/07/2023 17:05

Hmmm, I'm not sure I believe this.

I was beaten by my ex husband for 15 years, I wouldn't let a man look at me sideways now. Appreciate we're all different but.....

Can you elaborate on what that means? You wouldn't let a man look at a you sideways now?

Wheredoistart78 · 31/07/2023 17:16

@misssunshine4040 I wouldn't take any shit.

GreyCarpet · 31/07/2023 17:23

Wheredoistart78 · 31/07/2023 17:07

Perhaps the boyfriend was bullied or similar and finds it hard to stand up for others. Works both ways.

It doesn't really matter what his reason is.

The OP needs to know she is with someone who can stand up for her if necessary. If he can't, he is not the partner for her.

misssunshine4040 · 31/07/2023 17:27

@Wheredoistart78 that's great that you can stand up for yourself and feel strong after going through what you've been through.
Some people are affected in different ways and feel traumatised and scared after such an experience and it's out of order to imply the op is lying.

Wheredoistart78 · 31/07/2023 17:35

@misssunshine4040 we are all allowed our opinion.
Not sure I believe that the piercer said all that, for 15 mins...... that's a long time.
Tears in her eyes....no one noticed? Op then goes onto to contradict herself by saying she'd stick up for her boyfriend if the tables were turned.
Just scratching my head at this one.

neilyoungismyhero · 31/07/2023 17:48

Horrible experience OP so sorry this happened to you it must have been mortifying.
As regards your damaged nose why can't you get it sorted on the NHS? A few years ago my nephew was punched on the nose and it was broken. He had surgery and all was sorted. Did you see anyone about it?

Original poster
weneedhelpandlove · 31/07/2023 17:51

Wheredoistart78 · 31/07/2023 17:35

@misssunshine4040 we are all allowed our opinion.
Not sure I believe that the piercer said all that, for 15 mins...... that's a long time.
Tears in her eyes....no one noticed? Op then goes onto to contradict herself by saying she'd stick up for her boyfriend if the tables were turned.
Just scratching my head at this one.

I'd also stand up for my kids because I want to keep my loved ones safe. Just because I allowed a man to physically and emotionally abuse me doesn't give me the strength to hold my own at all times. If I'm protecting my loved ones I turn into a mummy bear to keep them safe. Myself however, with my past, I freeze. I'm not contradicting myself. Perhaps to your definition that makes me a weak person then

OP posts:
Wheredoistart78 · 31/07/2023 17:59

No, I don't think you're a weak person. You do need help though or you'll be walked over for the rest of your life.
It's nice if your partner sticks up for you but you have to learn how to do this for yourself.

Watchkeys · 31/07/2023 18:03

Or am I being a dramatic idiot who needs to get a grip

I think you need to understand that feelings are allowed, whatever they are. You're allowed to feel like you want to kill someone, or gouge their eyes out with a spoon. You're allowed to feel anything at all, because there are no rules, and there is no guide or authority about what feelings we 'should' have.

If you were abused by an ex, that means you will be more sensitive to certain things. Having sensitivities doesn't make you 'over-sensitive', because there's no 'correct' level of sensitivity. If you'd been bitten by a dog, you might have sensitivities around dogs, but it wouldn't be 'over-sensitive', it would just be part of you, that people who cared about you would take into consideration. And if they didn't, that would be them being insensitive to you.

Have you told your partner how you feel? Because if not, then you're at risk of being the bitten person who doesn't mention their dog sensitivities, and then is offended when someone simply doesn't guess their feelings and takes them to the kennels to look at the puppies.

Calling yourself a dramatic idiot (or being willing to entertain the idea that you are one, just for having feelings) shows a low level of self respect, as does having a relationship with an abusive partner. What was family life like for you when you were growing up? Did your parents teach you that your feelings matter? Did they respect you and listen to you?

You've learned somewhere that your feelings are 'dramatic' and 'over-reacting'. Put simply, feeling can't be either of those things. The way you choose to respond to them can be. Calmly saying 'I felt really unsupported earlier when that tattooist kept criticising me, and you didn't say anything to back me up' is very different from 'You didn't have my back, you unsupportive arsehole!!' Share your feelings with your partner, in a way that respects you and respects him. Find out from his response if he's supportive of you in the way you want him to be, and work out from there if you still want to be with him. Drop all this 'Am I somehow awful?' stuff. You're just a normal person, with experiences, and feelings.

Watchkeys · 31/07/2023 18:06

You do need help though or you'll be walked over for the rest of your life

@weneedhelpandlove , you may well be able to help yourself, and I think 'being walked over for the rest of your life is a bit exaggerated. 'You can minimise the risk of people crossing your boundaries in future by looking into the feelings behind what's happened' is probably a less inflammatory way to phrase a similar feeling.

GreyCarpet · 31/07/2023 19:42

Wheredoistart78 · 31/07/2023 17:35

@misssunshine4040 we are all allowed our opinion.
Not sure I believe that the piercer said all that, for 15 mins...... that's a long time.
Tears in her eyes....no one noticed? Op then goes onto to contradict herself by saying she'd stick up for her boyfriend if the tables were turned.
Just scratching my head at this one.

I grew up in abuse and have a lot of trauma related to it.

I find it very difficult to stand up for myself in some situations and very easy in others. It all depends on the situation amd circumstances.

I've managed to bring children up to have great boundaries and be able to stand up for themselves.

I also find it incredibly easy to stand up for others.

Trauma is a 'funny' thing and affects people in different ways.

Original poster
weneedhelpandlove · 31/07/2023 20:10

@GreyCarpet I am so sorry you went though such trauma. You're a strong person and I'm sending huge hugs to you via the interwebs.

I completely relate to this post. Everyone is different and we both share the understanding that it's very different protecting ourselves then it is protecting our loved ones.

Your kids are lucky to have you! I really hope you're okay now! Take care xx

OP posts:
Original poster
weneedhelpandlove · 31/07/2023 20:13

Watchkeys · 31/07/2023 18:03

Or am I being a dramatic idiot who needs to get a grip

I think you need to understand that feelings are allowed, whatever they are. You're allowed to feel like you want to kill someone, or gouge their eyes out with a spoon. You're allowed to feel anything at all, because there are no rules, and there is no guide or authority about what feelings we 'should' have.

If you were abused by an ex, that means you will be more sensitive to certain things. Having sensitivities doesn't make you 'over-sensitive', because there's no 'correct' level of sensitivity. If you'd been bitten by a dog, you might have sensitivities around dogs, but it wouldn't be 'over-sensitive', it would just be part of you, that people who cared about you would take into consideration. And if they didn't, that would be them being insensitive to you.

Have you told your partner how you feel? Because if not, then you're at risk of being the bitten person who doesn't mention their dog sensitivities, and then is offended when someone simply doesn't guess their feelings and takes them to the kennels to look at the puppies.

Calling yourself a dramatic idiot (or being willing to entertain the idea that you are one, just for having feelings) shows a low level of self respect, as does having a relationship with an abusive partner. What was family life like for you when you were growing up? Did your parents teach you that your feelings matter? Did they respect you and listen to you?

You've learned somewhere that your feelings are 'dramatic' and 'over-reacting'. Put simply, feeling can't be either of those things. The way you choose to respond to them can be. Calmly saying 'I felt really unsupported earlier when that tattooist kept criticising me, and you didn't say anything to back me up' is very different from 'You didn't have my back, you unsupportive arsehole!!' Share your feelings with your partner, in a way that respects you and respects him. Find out from his response if he's supportive of you in the way you want him to be, and work out from there if you still want to be with him. Drop all this 'Am I somehow awful?' stuff. You're just a normal person, with experiences, and feelings.

Thank you so much for taking the time to make such an intricate and understanding reply. You're right I suppose my childhood and the relationships afterwards have shaped me into a person who believes any negative feelings I have are idiotic and a burden. Nomatter what the situation I feel as though I am being ridiculous. Even with my ex, I blame myself for the situations I was in, regardless of how bad he beat me I still felt like I deserved it and it was my fault. If only I had just not shown any emotions.

You're a very intelligent and wonderful person who clearly has a beautiful way with words so I thank you so much for your input.

Have a wonderful evening!

OP posts:
Wheredoistart78 · 31/07/2023 20:23

@GreyCarpet I also grew up in abusive home as a child, terrible abuse. I'm sure it opened the door to my abusive marriage.

Original poster
weneedhelpandlove · 31/07/2023 20:27

Wheredoistart78 · 31/07/2023 20:23

@GreyCarpet I also grew up in abusive home as a child, terrible abuse. I'm sure it opened the door to my abusive marriage.

I'm so sorry you went through such pain. Are you still in that abusive marriage?

I hope you're okay!! Sending hugs

OP posts:
Wheredoistart78 · 31/07/2023 21:45

@weneedhelpandlove no thank God, I escaped ten years ago. I hope you recover from your own experience. It can take a long time.

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