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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Relationship has ended

27 replies

Bumblebee1119 · 30/07/2023 22:56

So that’s it, relationship has come to an end.
I am ok.
we don’t live together but have a child together. It’s been tough, it’s a blended family. We both parent differently he has declared he doesn’t want my advice in regards to his first child. That’s fine.. I backed off weeks ago! But since I’ve told him not to expect me to be doing school collections and drop offs in September he’s saying he feels he would be better on his own. I honestly feel like if I’m not good enough to give advice then why am I good enough to be his babysitter??

I feel like I’m a single mum anyways.

However, I am not wanting to share my child! He’s a good dad but I’ve also recently brought up that I feel he drinks too much each evening. He worries me when he puts the kids to bed as he goes into such a deep sleep.

I can’t share my baby. I can’t be without her mummy. What do I do?

we have been messaging tonight. And he said about making arrangements. I’ve told him I want to do mediation. He wont be having baby for sleep overs as I need to process all of this. And I will be applying for cms. I always said I wouldn’t but I actually pay for everything for baby. We have had two nice holidays so I’ve always felt like I should feel like that is enough. Back of my mind I know it wasn’t because come end of the month I’m skint.

I want to cry for the loss of the time with my daughter. He came and picked her up today and I was in tears when they left. I can’t do it. I don’t want her away from me. It wont ever work with us, I don’t want to live in his house (he purchased with his ex) I’m in HA and don’t want to give up my security. I stayed at his for two weeks after baby was born. I couldn’t do no longer. It’s not my home. He wont move he wont compromise. But yet I’m in the wrong because I wont move into his mortgaged house. There is no where for our belongings he just says he will clear out the garage!

Im the one that takes baby there for him to see her despite all I want to be is at home.

I can’t be without my baby. I don’t want him to be taking her on holidays I don’t want another woman around my baby!

what do I do??

OP posts:
StSwithinsDay · 30/07/2023 22:59

Is he named on her birth certificate?
And what age is she?

StSwithinsDay · 30/07/2023 23:01

I can’t be without my baby. I don’t want him to be taking her on holidays I don’t want another woman around my baby!

I don't think you will have a choice.
If he wants her and it goes to court then he will be granted access. Mediation is probably a good starting point.

Original poster
Bumblebee1119 · 30/07/2023 23:02

She’s just turned one and yes he is

OP posts:
Original poster
Bumblebee1119 · 30/07/2023 23:03

😢😢 I can’t do it, it will break me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bumblebee1119 · 30/07/2023 23:05

I only ever gave advice because I cared. But obviously I was in the wrong.

OP posts:
SmirnoffIceIsNice · 30/07/2023 23:05

He is also the child's parent, so is equally entitled to spend time with his daughter (she isn't just yours). However, I'd be insisting on no drinking while she is with him.

I find it very strange that you chose to have a child with a man you don't live with, as it was bound to cause problems somewhere down the line.

Azandme · 30/07/2023 23:07

You have to do it for your child. She deserves a relationship with her dad who is as much her parent as you are.

To not allow her that would be very bad and selfish parenting.

Being a parent is also about doing the stuff that hurts you because it's the right thing for them.

Azandme · 30/07/2023 23:08

Bumblebee1119 · 30/07/2023 23:03

😢😢 I can’t do it, it will break me.

No it won't.

Yes it will hurt, but not as much as not doing it will hurt your child.

Original poster
Bumblebee1119 · 30/07/2023 23:11

Deep down I feel I would have walked away ages ago. But I didn’t because I don’t want that life for my baby but I’ve had to admit defeat.. I’m not happy. I’m tired. It reflects in my mood. I’m doing everything on my own mon-fri plus working. He has an input on a Saturday. But yet I’m the one in the wrong.. I’m the only that’s always in a mood. I don’t get time off (not that I want it I want my girls with me) but he doesn’t get it. When I discuss it with him I get told ‘I do enough’ he’s ocd his house has to be spotless which I help out with. But then when he walks into mine he makes comments. I’m not superwoman!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bumblebee1119 · 30/07/2023 23:12

Oh by all means I don’t want to take her away from her dad. Please that’s not my intentions. But I don’t see any way to make myself feel better about the situation

OP posts:
Original poster
Bumblebee1119 · 30/07/2023 23:15

The intentions was to move in with him. But I just couldn’t settle there.. he was making no adjustments for me to move in. He honestly expected me to move in with just my clothes.

I already told him today I’d be saying no to her staying over because the drinking. He never offers to have her anyways.

OP posts:
Ohmylovejune · 30/07/2023 23:16

Mediation sounds good so you can work things through. Your daughter has two loving parents and so long as he stays away from drink when he's looking after her as sole carer, she will have both parents in her life.

She's so young you've probably dedicated most of your hours with her, so it is hard but you will be OK.

Original poster
Bumblebee1119 · 30/07/2023 23:20

She’s with me all the time minus the two days that I work. But even then I don’t send her into nursery until 30mins before I’m due to start work.

OP posts:
StSwithinsDay · 30/07/2023 23:20

Do you have an older child with him as well (you mention girls).

Original poster
Bumblebee1119 · 30/07/2023 23:22

He has another child.

I have another child. Her dad has never been in her life. She’s always with me. So I’m not used to sharing. Gosh don’t I pick them!

OP posts:
Ohmylovejune · 30/07/2023 23:27

Your older daughter, because of the situation, only really has you.

Your younger daughter doesn't, she has two active parents and it's about her. She's entitled to have time with you both.

Pamspeople · 30/07/2023 23:40

You say that you don't know how to make yourself feel better - this is something you really need to work on, because we all need to know how to calm ourselves down, distract ourselves from upsetting thoughts etc. Otherwise there's a risk that you rely on your children for your happiness and that's a horrible responsibility for a child, and they pick up on it.

Original poster
Bumblebee1119 · 31/07/2023 00:58

Update. He wants 50:50 custody. Surely that wouldn’t be allowed on a 1yr old? He works 5 days a week… he won’t take time off to have her. So then she should be with me? His eldest he just sent to nursery (the mother was happy with that) I’m not, if I’m at home then she should be with me not being cared for by strangers

OP posts:
mummy21blueeyed · 31/07/2023 01:19

You sound so anxious and paranoid. You can’t stop him seeing his daughter and you should be thankful that he wants to be active many of mums are left to do it on their own.

it is scary but ultimately it’s about your child not you and your feelings

honeyandfizz · 31/07/2023 09:07

Sounds like you need legal advice not MN. Have you seen a Solicitor about contact arrangements?

MrsSchrute · 31/07/2023 09:38

Bumblebee1119 · 31/07/2023 00:58

Update. He wants 50:50 custody. Surely that wouldn’t be allowed on a 1yr old? He works 5 days a week… he won’t take time off to have her. So then she should be with me? His eldest he just sent to nursery (the mother was happy with that) I’m not, if I’m at home then she should be with me not being cared for by strangers

It absolutely would be allowed. Loads of children go to nursery while their parents work, that would not be a reason for your ex not to have 50:50.
It would also allow you to up your hours if you can. There are some benefits.

supercali77 · 31/07/2023 10:22

I think the only reason you'd be able to challenge 50/50 is if you were breastfeeding or something. The drinking, is it documented in emails or texts historically?

Personally, if I were that determined to not do 50/50, I'd make a serious effort in a mediation, and I'd straight up say I wasn't interested in seeking maintenance.

However it works out, you're going to end up not seeing your dd at least some of the time. And some of that time she might be in nursery. So I'd work on your anxiety around that

billy1966 · 31/07/2023 10:39

You need legal advice.

Log his heavy drinking with your GP.

He probably is threatening 50/50 because you have refused school runs.

Stop going near his home.

Stop bringing the baby to him.

Ring Women's aid for advice.

Stop facilitating him until you know where you stand.

TheCatterall · 31/07/2023 10:59

Realistically he can’t have 50/50 can he due to work and he’s certainly not having every weekend.

for babies and toddlers I believe the expectations of custody are different and they should favour the parent they live with.

get advice. Women’s aid, free solicitor 30 mins - anywhere that’s experienced.

stop going down a rabbit hole and getting more worried on here until you’ve had the advice.

id say every other week he can have some form of access. Whether that’s meeting up with you at a park local to you or between your homes or a library etc.

no overnight stays if he’s lone drinking.

how often does he have his other child (if you aren’t around to plant silent nanny and do school runs etc?).

Sparklfairy · 31/07/2023 11:06

Your possessive attitude won't help you one bit.

He's probably going for 50/50 because he knows how possessive you are.

You're acting like a toddler shouting, 'MINE'. You need to stop putting your feelings first, and start putting your child first.

His drinking doesn't sound ideal at all, but if you can't or won't be objective and fair about this, I can't see how you can be a stable figure for your child either.