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Original poster

Help me not text

38 replies

dickheadtexter · 30/07/2023 18:25

Can someone give me a bit of virtual slap, please? Username changed to reflect my situation, because, quite frankly, I'm an embarrassment to myself🙄

Texting this guy like a compulsive teenager. Like, all day, every day (while at work - reali life takes over for both of us at evenings and weekends). He's actually been very patient about it, but i seem unable to stop myself despite knowing it's annoying him. Apparently neediness and insecurity has come back with a vengeance in my mid-late thirties...

He has, reasonably (I think?), asked that we dial it back a bit for a couple of weeks while he sorts some shit out at work, enjoys a holiday with his kids, etc. Today is Day 3 and I am struggling. Am constantly checking his online status, etc., without having any use for this information and just semi-sulking that he's on WhatsApp and not messaging me.

Christ, I'm hard work. How do I get out of this insane habit? Hoping a bit of a mumsnet reality check will help. Am braced.

OP posts:
neverenoughchelseaboots · 30/07/2023 18:27

How many messages a day are you talking?

And are you not texting at all for a bit or just the occasional one?

Original poster
dickheadtexter · 30/07/2023 18:31

Hmm, I don't know the amount, probably 50+ 😳 In my defence, it's not just me bombarding him, it's a pretty equal back and forth.

We left it as just the occasional text for a couple of weeks - I said I would leave it to him and just text 'when he wants'. Which I think will probably end up being a quick exchange every 2-3 days...? Although there's always that niggling concern that he won't text at all...

OP posts:
Squash24 · 30/07/2023 18:52

Keep yourself busy so that you are not glued to your phone. Hobbies, see friends? Keep some mystery to life and leave stuff to actually talk about rather than it being continuous

Specso · 30/07/2023 19:02

Have you been like this in previous relationships or just this one? Do you have other things you could do to distract you?

I was once in a situation with a boyfriend many years ago where we were taking time apart and I knew I HAD to stand my ground and stop being the one making all the effort. I had to let him figure things out and come to me in his own time. It was torture and I had to put my phone in a box under the bed at one point to stop myself texting but I had to do it! Not the same situation but very similar. If you keep texting and don’t find a way to dial it back, chill out a bit and let him miss u and come to you then he’ll get fed up and feel you haven’t listened to his request for space.

Lock that phone in a box if you have to but find things to distract yourself and step away from the phone!

I’d also take the time to reflect on why you’re feeling so needy and full on about texting him. If he does disappear once you’ve given him the space he’s asked for then he’s not the one for you anyway. Always have your own life, your friends, family and interests. Don’t get your validation from a man being interested or not.

samestyle · 30/07/2023 19:02

Instead of texting throughout the whole day, can you not just leave it, until after work, and just have a different mindset of if he's interested let him take the initiative some of the time in contacting you.
If he is he will, if he doesn't then accept it.
If he wants to leave it days or weeks in-between communication, then perhaps he's not wanting anything serious so don't waste your time.

Original poster
dickheadtexter · 30/07/2023 19:51

Thanks all. I promise I do have a busy life with hobbies, friends, kids, etc! And a full-time job.

I actually have a non-smart phone, so I'm going to try and swap to that during work hours this week.

In terms of wanting anything serious - it's not, neither of us do, and honestly I'm completely fine with that in terms of how often we actually see each other. I just seem to have a messaging obsession.

I can't work out why I'm being so needy and full-on with the texting side of things. He and I have been good friends for a long time (when we did not text intensely!) and then when things took a change of direction, about a year ago, he was the full-on texter/pursuer. So, I guess that sort of set the bar in my head - I was spoiled with attention, and now that's dropped back a year down the line.

We've talked really openly about what we both want, and we're on the same page, it's just this texting thing I need to kick...

OP posts:
hev126 · 30/07/2023 20:29

It might just be that you're past the honeymoon stage (even if it's still casual).

What I've struggled with myself is that when the initial constant chasing/pursuing from the person I've been dating dies down I get a bit panicky that they've lost interest.

Tbh for me it's more a change in pattern that sets off alarm bells in my head as I tend to perceive they are pulling back. In reality, think have usually just settled into more of a routine where you know you like each other and where you stand etc.

As much as constant texting is nice in the first wee while when everything is new and exciting, 50+ texts a day is not sustainable - for either of you!

Magssss · 30/07/2023 20:38

Perhaps the neediness is because deep down you do want something more serious? I'd find it hard not to feel a bit used in your situation. Maybe only respond if he texts you first then you'll know if he wants to get in contact or not?

Original poster
dickheadtexter · 30/07/2023 21:16

I can't seem to get the quote/replying thing down. But to the poster above - I honestly don't want anything more serious. In a parallel universe, maybe, but casual genuinely suits both of our situations.

When I've left it a day or so previously, he does text first. We had a bit of a falling out a few months back and I told him he'd need to pick up the slack and make the effort for a couple of months - and to be fair, he did.

You've all been a bit too kind - I just need someone to give my head a wobble on this blood whatsapping 😂Will aim to do better this week! 💪

OP posts:
KPops22 · 30/07/2023 21:20

He has, reasonably (I think?), asked that we dial it back a bit for a couple of weeks while he sorts some shit out at work, enjoys a holiday with his kids, etc.

What does he mean by this? The texting or are you not seeing each other for a while?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/07/2023 21:31

I couldn't have a relationship where we only texted 2-3 days. If you need more communication that that tell him, he can either adapt and compromise or you can find someone more similar

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/07/2023 21:32

Oh sorry just seen you're 'casual' well if you're not committed to him then get on a dating app and do your chatting with someone else?

PrettyScotland · 30/07/2023 22:00

If someone was texting me 50+ times a day I'd fuck off to the other side of the solar system and change my identity

justanothermanicmonday1 · 30/07/2023 22:05

PrettyScotland · 30/07/2023 22:00

If someone was texting me 50+ times a day I'd fuck off to the other side of the solar system and change my identity

This.

SunflowerTed · 30/07/2023 23:20

I’d switch his phone off if I were him. You sound very sad and very needy

Hardcoresporn · 30/07/2023 23:28

I could have written this. I promise myself not to WhatsApp him and wait for him to initiate, then I cave. I think he is getting fed up with it too. I see him twice a week (we aren't in a relationship) and like messaging in-between, but he's been a lot cooler recently.

OP turn off 'last seen' and then you won't get disappointed when you see he's been online, yet not messaged you.

BitOutOfPractice · 30/07/2023 23:31

Delete his number so that, between exchanges, you can’t be checking sbd you can’t initiate contact.

hev126 · 30/07/2023 23:34

BitOutOfPractice · 30/07/2023 23:31

Delete his number so that, between exchanges, you can’t be checking sbd you can’t initiate contact.

Perfect solution

pictoosh · 30/07/2023 23:34

What do you text about?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 30/07/2023 23:35

I had this and it got way intense

first of all we turned off ‘last seen’
then we turned off online
now we leave messages unread and take time out

it’s so easy to fall into this bit you have to stop
put phone away and LIVE your own life

take a step back and focus on your own life and get busy elsewhere

pictoosh · 30/07/2023 23:36

That sounds nosy sorry. I'm just trying to imagine what 50+ texts a day are about.

StickSeason · 30/07/2023 23:46

It sounds like you're hooked on the dopamine hit of message and response. Try finding other ways to give yourself a hit - exercise, music, the right foods, meditation. Don't pick your phone up first thing. Think of it like an addiction - you need to wean yourself off then match his energy.
Good luck - it's hard but doable. Keep busy and living that full life.

Original poster
dickheadtexter · 31/07/2023 08:43

KPops22 · 30/07/2023 21:20

He has, reasonably (I think?), asked that we dial it back a bit for a couple of weeks while he sorts some shit out at work, enjoys a holiday with his kids, etc.

What does he mean by this? The texting or are you not seeing each other for a while?

Dialing back the texting for a couple of weeks. We aren't likely to see each other anyway until the end of the summer hols due to each other's holidays, etc. Which is no problem in itself.

OP posts:
Original poster
dickheadtexter · 31/07/2023 08:44

PrettyScotland · 30/07/2023 22:00

If someone was texting me 50+ times a day I'd fuck off to the other side of the solar system and change my identity

Thank you. THIS is the sort of comment I needed 😂

OP posts:
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