Help me not text

[dickheadtexter]

Can someone give me a bit of virtual slap, please? Username changed to reflect my situation, because, quite frankly, I'm an embarrassment to myself🙄

Texting this guy like a compulsive teenager. Like, all day, every day (while at work - reali life takes over for both of us at evenings and weekends). He's actually been very patient about it, but i seem unable to stop myself despite knowing it's annoying him. Apparently neediness and insecurity has come back with a vengeance in my mid-late thirties...

He has, reasonably (I think?), asked that we dial it back a bit for a couple of weeks while he sorts some shit out at work, enjoys a holiday with his kids, etc. Today is Day 3 and I am struggling. Am constantly checking his online status, etc., without having any use for this information and just semi-sulking that he's on WhatsApp and not messaging me.

Christ, I'm hard work. How do I get out of this insane habit? Hoping a bit of a mumsnet reality check will help. Am braced.

Ah, I'm sorry you've got this as well. If you're seeing him twice a week, surely that helps in terms of not needing/wanting to text so much...? I think part of my texting problem is that I don't see him much at all (maybe once or twice a month). I'm happy enough with that, but perhaps the issue is I'm over-texting to compensate.

To the poster who suggested deleting his number - this would be a great idea if it wasn't one of the handful I know off by heart! Argh.

I think you might be onto something with this dopamine hit thing. Am working on a substitute, but unfortunately life/responsibilities/finances don't permit anything that appealing! I've been to the gym a lot this week 😅Need another vice, really...

I only see him twice a week at a club we are both members of. We flirt but it's the in-between time that I then feel the need to message him so much. I definitely feel he is a little cooler now, yet I want to message him ahhhhh!!

Are you seeing him, as in sleeping together etc? We aren't even at that stage so it doesn't bode well for me 😂

I don’t understand what people mean when they say it’s not serious but they’re in a relationship

Ah, I see! Feel free to PM me instead of messaging, if it helps. I've got at least 50 messages-worth per day of useless waffle 😁(Yet not hugely chatty IRL!)

We are (were?!) sleeping together, here and there. I'm not sure if moving to that stage has made it more or less of a mindfuck, tbh, so be careful what you wish for!

Today is Day 4 of Me Not Texting. Well, only the second working day...

Good question!

Because I like a good text conversation as much as anyone, but if we’re talking

hi
hi yourself
wot you up to
not much
work boring today
yup

I would sooner die.

Personally I can't see this working out OP. You've presented this in light hearted way, but seriously, needing help to resist messaging someone you know doesn't want you to, is quite extreme and a poor barometer of your readiness to engage in a relationship. It really can't be much fun for you, obsessed with your phone and fighting the urge to message. Are you sure you wouldn't have more peace of mind if you weren't in this situation at all?
As for practical tips I'd suggest:
Typing the messages you would like to send him, and sending them to yourself.
Messaging other people
When he does message don't respond immediately as a lot of your anxiety will be from waiting for a response to your messages. Eke out the time when you're not expecting a reply (because its your turn) to break the habit.
Wherever possible leave your phone in another room.

You must turn off your time stamp on WhatsApp. Game changing. You can never check the time they were online ever again

He's doing a slow fade isn't he? He hasn't got the guts to end it and is hoping you just get fed up.

Absolutely agree that's how it looks, and I've asked him about exactly this. Apparently that's not the case, and we've been friends for long enough that I believe him, but time will tell.

I think this is just the problem with casual almost always one side ends up wanting more whether you want to admit that or not. Texting all day every day is not casual and it’s a mismatch between both of your needs. You feel insecure and anxious and stopping texting is just feeding into that where you will not get used to the feeling as much as you will be on a rollercoaster of up and down when you hear from him. The chase you describe when you first met with him putting in all the effort and some is the issue as he went overboard to secure your attention in an exciting chase then couldn’t or didn’t want to keep up the momentum because he doesn’t want a RS. He’s also secure - he has you now.

If you had entered into a relationship you would know the parameters and both of you would text less as you see each other physically and have solid future plans. But you haven’t, so the texting contact has become the main relationship you have with him and why it feels so desperate to keep it going. You are in denial about what you want from him and he knows it, hence he is backing off

Are you sure you wouldn't have more peace of mind if you weren't in this situation at all?

Yes, I definitely would. It's a weird situation, and I have repeatedly weighed up whether things are worth the hassle. I have told him a couple of times that they're not, but then he manages to convince me otherwise! I am well aware the dysfunction runs deep on this; I was just looking for tips to resist texting (why is there no shrug emoji? Am I missing it?)

Anyway, we've both been super-clear about what we want out of this, and he tells me in a couple of weeks that he'll be delivering on what he says he wants. So I just need to sit tight and cool off the messaging. If it turns out not to be the case, so be it and we'll have to see if we can navigate the return to just being friends.