Strategies for dealing with a non stop talker

TheoTheopolis23 · 2023-07-30T17:10:02+00:00

My Mum is a non stop talker. My husband needs "notice" if he has to deal with her for any amount of time. My bil either sats he tired and goes "to bed" or out for long walks if he has to be in the same place as her for long. She doesn't really listen. She has a very short tolerance for listening/discussing anything with you. This was irritating anyway but I see her almost entirely with a demanding small child in tow so I'm getting it from both angles. She is now 79, too thin, and has lost both my Dad and several friends to cancer in recent years. She has, however, always been like this, so it's not loneliness per se. (For example, anyone in our family could have had a trip somewhere very interesting and she would not be interested in hearing one thing about it, and would it instead bombard the person with local, mundane news and her own preoccupations). I am regularly snapping at her. My sister's find the sane thing but I think they manage better than me. Aside from keeping visits etc short - has anyone got any other strategies?

ThatFraggle · 30/07/2023 18:12

Maybe sit down with her and ask, 'mum, why do you talk about yourself, but never ask about others or let them get a word in?'

She might deny it, but it could be food for thought.

Original poster

TheoTheopolis23 · 30/07/2023 18:17

ThatFraggle · 30/07/2023 18:12

Maybe sit down with her and ask, 'mum, why do you talk about yourself, but never ask about others or let them get a word in?'

She might deny it, but it could be food for thought.

I have said at least once that I need a break and she's been offended and says it's just me; she chats and witters away with my eldest sister with no complaints.

It's not me, other people find it hard going.

It's not really chatting because it's one way, but if people respond occasionally with yes, I see, ok etc or gets a comment in, she thinks it's chatting.

She's also embarrassing to interact with acquaintances and strangers with - because she talks until she decides she wants to walk on and doesn't seem to hear or respond to anything they say, so I have to comment on what they've said (or sometimes I don't get the chance). I've seen ppl.almost visibly shake their head and give up/move on.

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Original poster

TheoTheopolis23 · 30/07/2023 18:18

It's worth me mentioning that's she from a family of 14, and they are mostly similar.

She complains about one brother taking incessantly but it's what she does.

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LordEmsworth · 30/07/2023 18:18

Err - accept it? She's not going to change now; you've put up with it your whole life; keep visits short, say "uh right" without really listening, let her talk, make lots of excuses to make tea / go for a wee / see if that was someone knocking on the door...

My mum was the same, I bet yours also doesn't remember what she's told you and gets irritated if you say but I don't know who this person is that you're talking about. She just needs someone to talk at...

Original poster

TheoTheopolis23 · 30/07/2023 18:21

LordEmsworth · 30/07/2023 18:18

Err - accept it? She's not going to change now; you've put up with it your whole life; keep visits short, say "uh right" without really listening, let her talk, make lots of excuses to make tea / go for a wee / see if that was someone knocking on the door...

My mum was the same, I bet yours also doesn't remember what she's told you and gets irritated if you say but I don't know who this person is that you're talking about. She just needs someone to talk at...

I've occasionally gone out with LO on my own, and it's easier to bear and not snap; but the only time we see her is for a concentrated day or two every week; and the whole point is spending time with her.

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HolyShitDrJones · 30/07/2023 18:21

She’s not going to change now.
Carry on doing whatever to manage it.
Maybe she needs to rescue a dog or cat to chat to?

Original poster

TheoTheopolis23 · 30/07/2023 18:24

HolyShitDrJones · 30/07/2023 18:21

She’s not going to change now.
Carry on doing whatever to manage it.
Maybe she needs to rescue a dog or cat to chat to?

I've suggested a dog and that we could look after it if she needed that, she's adamant she's not getting one.

Same with a cat.

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MiddleParking · 30/07/2023 18:25

I think it’s an understandable outcome that someone with 13 siblings never really acquired the art of conversational turn taking. It must be maddening, though; my MIL can be similar (though not as bad as your DM sounds) and it is really painful, especially when they’re competing with a small child for your attention.

Restinggoddess · 30/07/2023 18:26

I once timed my mum - 45 minutes about mundane stuff
Hadn’t seen her for months

Not sure I have strategies - other then sometimes tell her stuff something so unmundane it makes her stop and listen
At this stage in life I doubt you can change her

Perhaps try again with the comment about incessant talking - ask her what she has learnt from chatting with you, if you have managed to say anything. what’s my friend called? When did X happen?
maybe it’s a bit unfair but if she looks blankly at you you could say she needs to listen more

However, brace your self for becoming the next long topic everyone is going to hear about !

Original poster

TheoTheopolis23 · 30/07/2023 18:26

MiddleParking · 30/07/2023 18:25

I think it’s an understandable outcome that someone with 13 siblings never really acquired the art of conversational turn taking. It must be maddening, though; my MIL can be similar (though not as bad as your DM sounds) and it is really painful, especially when they’re competing with a small child for your attention.

She's telling my 5 yr old that it's her turn to talk etc.

She's also made comments like "do you ever stop talking" and "do you have an off switch" ...

From a 80s woman who talks incessantly.

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Original poster

TheoTheopolis23 · 30/07/2023 18:27

70s, not 80s

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DaisyThistle · 30/07/2023 18:30

My dad was like that. I got into the habit of saying, "Hang on! I've just remembered..." and I'd walk out of the room for as long as I needed to, to get a breather. Or, "Back in a moment!" Then I'd go for a walk around the block. Don't be shy of doing things to keep you sane and not snapping. Then once my ears were no longer throbbing I'd come back in and announce what we are all up to.

Does she talk over TV? Can you set her up with some good films and TV series or comedy to watch when she's with you? Does she like to feel useful? Can you get her peeling spuds or making tea or playing Snap with younger DC? Would that ease the flow?

Original poster

TheoTheopolis23 · 30/07/2023 18:31

I think it’s an understandable outcome that someone with 13 siblings never really acquired the art of conversational turn taking

Definitely, but I think there's also an element of PD. One of my sisters is similar (talks at length, in detail on and on, can't read her listeners interest/exasperation level or doesn't care .... Would not listen to similar from anyone else for 2 mins).

I recognise the trait in myself but try hard not to let myself do it.

Both sister and Mum also have a significant selfish steak. With my Mum it's always knee jerk, thoughtless, filterless selfishness followed by a kinder response. With my sister, it stays selfish.

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topcat2014 · 30/07/2023 18:32

I think I might be your husband..

I knew when MIL was recovering from a heart scare ( I had taken her to a and e) because she started moaning about neighbours. It was one time I was actually pleased with the wittering.

It won't ever change, but I know at some time in the future I will miss it..

mellicauli · 30/07/2023 18:32

Get her ears tested? My Mum does this because she can't hear a word anyone else says . If she does join in a conversation rather than launching into her favoured monologue mod it becomes apparent that she can't follow

narniabusiness · 30/07/2023 18:33

I was about to say potential hearing problems too. Worth considering.

Original poster

TheoTheopolis23 · 30/07/2023 18:34

I knew when MIL was recovering from a heart scare ( I had taken her to a and e) because she started moaning about neighbours. It was one time I was actually pleased with the wittering.

i shouldn't laugh but that's hilarious.

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TomatoSandwiches · 30/07/2023 18:36

By the sounds of it you won't have to put up with it for much longer so just hold onto that.

continentallentil · 30/07/2023 18:36

I don’t think you’re going to change her now, but can you reduce the time you spend with her - a concentrated day or two is a lot. Reduce it to a couple of hours once or twice a week. If you don’t work invent a course you are taking.

I presume she wouldn’t do anything like U3A?

Original poster

TheoTheopolis23 · 30/07/2023 18:42

DaisyThistle · 30/07/2023 18:30

My dad was like that. I got into the habit of saying, "Hang on! I've just remembered..." and I'd walk out of the room for as long as I needed to, to get a breather. Or, "Back in a moment!" Then I'd go for a walk around the block. Don't be shy of doing things to keep you sane and not snapping. Then once my ears were no longer throbbing I'd come back in and announce what we are all up to.

Does she talk over TV? Can you set her up with some good films and TV series or comedy to watch when she's with you? Does she like to feel useful? Can you get her peeling spuds or making tea or playing Snap with younger DC? Would that ease the flow?

I do think maybe I need to give myself intervals .... Make excuses to get away for a bit regularly.

She talks while doing any task. She'd need to be concentrating incredibly hard to stop talking. And even then she'd be asking her questions, rhetorical or not, and asking for input .. because she's a technophobe.

She talks when watching TV, narrates what happening, comments constantly, is even louder than usual. She enjoys game shows and singing, dancing contests and shouts her answers and comments over the already loud programmes.

The contests anf her shouting winds my LO up and then she comments that she's very hyper.

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Original poster

TheoTheopolis23 · 30/07/2023 18:44

continentallentil · 30/07/2023 18:36

I don’t think you’re going to change her now, but can you reduce the time you spend with her - a concentrated day or two is a lot. Reduce it to a couple of hours once or twice a week. If you don’t work invent a course you are taking.

I presume she wouldn’t do anything like U3A?

I'd feel bad, she's 79, on her own (my nephew lives with her but works shifts and escapes to his room or out with mates when not working), shez always buying little things for LO, and my sister who sees her the most needs a break/help.

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Merapi · 30/07/2023 18:45

My neighbour is like this and occasionally she catches me unawares in the street when she's walking the dog. The conversation goes something like this:

NDN - Hello yes we're out for a walk before it rains, you like going for a walk don't you <Dogsname> and we're going to church on Sunday and by the way, Betty's leg has been playing her up again and the vicar told her to go back to the doctor, and have you heard about... on and on ad infinitum.

Me - There was an armed siege in the high street this afternoon, it was all cordoned off and the police were hiding behind parked cars, pointing their guns up at his window.

NDN - (without pausing) I'm taking <Dogsname> to training classes tomorrow, aren't I sweetie, yes I am,, that's if Betty's husband can givve me a lift and he isn't taking her to the doctor's of course, and oh look over there, that's the window cleaners coming round in their van and... on and on and on.

Me - ................................

Original poster

TheoTheopolis23 · 30/07/2023 18:47

(No, there is not a chance on this planet she'd do U3A, she has absolutely no interest or apparent aptitude for education. She considers people who get educated hoity toity).

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Original poster

TheoTheopolis23 · 30/07/2023 18:49

Merapi · 30/07/2023 18:45

My neighbour is like this and occasionally she catches me unawares in the street when she's walking the dog. The conversation goes something like this:

NDN - Hello yes we're out for a walk before it rains, you like going for a walk don't you <Dogsname> and we're going to church on Sunday and by the way, Betty's leg has been playing her up again and the vicar told her to go back to the doctor, and have you heard about... on and on ad infinitum.

Me - There was an armed siege in the high street this afternoon, it was all cordoned off and the police were hiding behind parked cars, pointing their guns up at his window.

NDN - (without pausing) I'm taking <Dogsname> to training classes tomorrow, aren't I sweetie, yes I am,, that's if Betty's husband can givve me a lift and he isn't taking her to the doctor's of course, and oh look over there, that's the window cleaners coming round in their van and... on and on and on.

Me - ................................

Lol.

I think this type of character was portrayed in Jane Austen's Emma by the vicar's daughter.

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Original poster

TheoTheopolis23 · 30/07/2023 18:54

TomatoSandwiches · 30/07/2023 18:36

By the sounds of it you won't have to put up with it for much longer so just hold onto that.

She's too thin buy in good health.

But I am aware of her age and that's why I feel so guilty about the snapping and want to stop.

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