DP often “grumpy” and unaffectionate but only at my house …

[AMuser]

DP (or BF I guess) have been together just over 2 years. We don’t live together. I have 3 teens and 2 dogs and a busy life. House is busy but v tidy and not overly noisy / chaotic I’d say. We normally spend the weekend together at either of our houses. And one midweek overnight more often at mine but sometimes at his.

He’s never had kids and not a dog lover. He has a nice home that I enjoy spending time at.

The issue I have is very often he just won’t / can’t seem to relax at my house. My kids like him and he likes them - they are chilled & polite but it’s much harder to get to know older kids so I guess they don’t know each other that well.

Ive been in this house just over a year and it’s just making me so sad that the minute we come to mine he seems tense and in a bad mood. It’s not all the time but it’s like the only time he can ever be really lighthearted and relaxed is at his.

I was going to talk to him again about it today but we didn’t get a chance. After a lovely Friday and Saturday at his where we had so much fun - we came back here and he just seemed grumpy and off. All the kids came back within 15 mins of each other just before midnight and there was a lot of dog barking and noise (the dogs do bark if someone comes to the door particularly if it’s late but otherwise we’ll behaved).

We’ve talked about it before and he says he can’t help it. But it’s like being with 2 different people. I can be happy and relaxed when I’m at his wht can’t he do the same?

I know the answer would be break up but we otherwise get on so well. So sad about it.

Our longer term plan is to buy somewhere together in 2-3 years when my youngest son goes to uni. We currently live over an hour apart so hard to do anything apart from overnights.

I suspect he's just not used to the noise. There doesn't seem to be any rush to move in together so you can gauge over that time, whether it's worth it. Your kids won't be around forever (but are likely to bounce back after Uni with house prices as they are).

I would caution you about moving in with him.
Would he be ok with your children visiting and staying over?
Would he be ok with having your dogs?
By ok I mean not acting like a sulky grump?
He can help it if he wants to but in my experience behaving like this is a tactic used by people to train someone, usually a romantic partner into changing their behaviour or punishing them.

Just imagine that you do buy together... and then he's like this every time one of your DC come to visit. Then add in grandchildren. I don't ever visit my Mum because my stepdad sits there sulky the entire time you're there.

Some people just aren't dog-loving people. I'm one of them and the sound of barking sets off my tinnitus and my teeth on edge. I find most dogs smelly and unlikeable. My in-laws are very dog-loving people and they're used to me now and make a joke of it. I do go on dog walks with them but I shoo off any dogs who try to sit on my lap or lick me and I must sometimes come across as a right sulky grump.

I do think that dog lovers and non-dog lovers aren't compatible as partners. It's just too different a lifestyle.

He’s choosing to be like that and making no effort- that’s who he is- he’s trying to get you to choose him over your family - it’s all or nothing and he just wants you. Selfish - hard but he’s not your long term partner unless you divorce your children

My mother was obsessed by seeing new friends against your own background. I used to think she was just a snob but maybe this is what she meant.

Don't continue with any partner who is 'off' under some circumstances.

Hi @FinallyHere sorry I don’t understand the first half of your post at all.

last sentence I do understand though. Thanks

Thanks for the responses.

I genuinely don’t think he is trying to get me to choose him over my family. I think he genuinely struggles being anywhere other than his own home. Which is troubling.

@Mummy08m - totally get that about the dog thing for sure. I have a whole thread on here about the dog issue which is the major incompatibility of our relationship.

@MillWood85 yes that would be awful. The thought that my kids would feel unwelcome or like they couldn’t be there. No way. I don’t know if it would translate in that way.

I suspect that you're used to it OP so you, as you say, you don't find it noisy and chaotic. But he probably does (I'm assuming he lives alone?). When you're used to it, it's a LOT. He may also be very respectful that it's your children's home and doesn't feel comfortable lounging around like he 'owns the place'. I can understand why he can't feel relaxed there.

Have an honest discussion. If you plan on living together at some point, you'll have to figure out how to carve out personal space. Is there anywhere for him to retreat when he's at yours? Would help if he can be open about things - e.g. stating if he's a little overwhelmed.

Definitely don't buy together if he continues to be like this.

Once you have bought together he will be entitled to house rules and they will appear to be very different to yours.

How he behaves in your house is likely to be his behaviour under stress so either you can tolerate it or it won't work. Don't expect him to get better, indeed most men become grumpier as they get older.

If you could work out exactly what aspect is the stressor it may be possible to change it.

For example the kids running through the living room to the kitchen might be too much. Shut the door and tell them to go via the hall or whatever.

Or the dog barking at every damn person that walks by - would the dog be more content in another room away from the road, or in the room with you where he can lie down instead of guarding.

Perhaps these arent the best examples but you know what I mean.

You need to get to the bottom of what it actually is. And if it’s all of it is just overwhelming for him then it may be that it just won’t work. If he’s crabbit just now he’s not going to get better as he ages and has arthritis or whatever etc that hurts…..

The dog compatibility thing is impossible to overcome in my experience - my dh affectionately calls me cruella de vil so I appreciate I'm quite far along the spectrum of non-dog-lover - but it's something I always clear up very early on in dating. I even said it again before marrying dh even though we'd been living together over 5y at that point! I said I'm only marrying you if you can promise you won't change your mind and want a dog when we're retired or whatever.

I'm sorry if this sounds really black and white but I just don't think a dog lover can have a serious relationship with a non dog lover. It can never progress to living together, it would cause too much resentment on at least one side.

No one is right or wrong - I disagree with pp above who says he isn't making an effort (purely based on what you've said here, haven't read any other of your threads). You can't learn to love pets ime.

I've been on the other side of it - your boyfriends side - and I'm afraid to say it didn't work out. We were great in every other way but our homelives were so different , it meant we could have never lived together.
Very similar situation to yours , I felt like as a couple we were fine / fun etc at my house, but whenever I went to my boyfriends house , I was on edge , couldn't relax and -yes , grumpy! It was the little incompatibilities that showed themselves.

The smelly , noisy, hairy dog, for example. I'm not a dog person . One particular incident that put me in a grumpy mood was walking into the kitchen and getting wet socks from where the dog had slobbered their water all over the floor. And having a tea and biscuit at the coffee table was impossible without the dog jumping up trying to get the food. Trivial, yes . But as a non-dog owner , it's really annoying. The different levels of tidiness, clutter , and noise can cause issues between couples looking to live together. Some things can be compromised on. But others can't.
I tried , but generally did get grumpy every time I was there so it didn't work out because we couldn't find a common ground and the incompatibilities were too much either way.

I think what I'm trying to say, not every eloquently, is that you're not compatible. Find someone who embraces your life and enhances it , don't settle for someone who is trying to change it !

I don't think any of you are in the wrong. He's just not used to noise and several other people in his 'Home' environment. I don't think I could properly settle either.

I'd caution ever moving in with him if noise/ busyness is an issue. I wouldn't never want to be in a position where my adult children and potential grandchildren couldn't come to my home and feel relaxed and welcome.

@Mummy08m I sooo agree with you , you're spot on that some of just can't tolerate dogs and it's just a no-goer having a long term relationship with a dog owner. My own experience tells me , it never works !

He can help it. He is choosing to be bad tempered at your house to train you into getting rid of dogs and kids.

I haven't read op's other threads but here she's said her bf does get on with the kids. As I interpret, it's mostly the dogs that are a problem.

He got grumpy when the kids came home because it made the dogs bark, not because he didn't want to meet the kids (that's how I read the OP).

Also we don't know that the BF is wanting op to get rid of her dogs. More likely he's got attached to OP and is trying to keep visit her even though they're incompatible and it's not going to work.

I'm bad tempered around dogs and it really isn't a choice. I sometimes get up and leave the room abruptly, is that any better...?!

I wouldn’t ever learn to relax in a house with a dog living in it, no matter who else lived there.

You're incompatible. It will not work if you live together. Either your children will increasingly not be welcome and\or you will be perpetually walking on egg shells.
No way to live with a grumpy man. Find someone else. He's not capable /wanting to be flexible and you can't just kill off your affection for your children/dogs.

I love dogs, make beelines for them, but I cant stand the barking. If its all kicking off at midnight with kids and dogs then my stress levels would go through the roof, especially if he's thinking of your poor neighbours (or even if your neighbour gets angry and he feels he might have to deal with it).

Many people live near train lines or airports and become accustomed to the noise. Visitors rarely do. Maybe you are noisier than you think.

It's time for an honest discussion and see if there are any compromises to be made.

I couldn't relax in that environment either, but then I wouldn't date anyone with children and/or a dog.

You sound incompatible. Definitely don't move in or buy anything with him.

3 teens and 2 dogs is on the high end of chaos. I've lived that and it's a lot to cope with.

It sounds to me like he is doing his best, but yeah this probably isn't going to work long term.

I dislike both dogs and children so I wouldn't date someone who had either...and I certainly wouldn't want to stay anywhere that had both!

Like others have said, this is basic incompatibility and isn't going to change. I'd end it now.