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Original poster

Is he using me or am I getting finally getting somewhere with him

33 replies

Kiki29 · 30/07/2023 12:40

So I met a guy 3 years ago and the both of us had amazing chemistry but he kind of freaked out and things turned into a more casual thing. At times I would have texted him and he would have read it but never responded then when he would randomly respond and ask to see me. I cut contact with him for 6 months and I was able to get over him.

I then met him again back In January and all of a sudden the feelings came back and we started to see each other again then he went back to the casual thing of only responding when he wanted to. Although this time it’s different in a way as he still only pops up every 4 or 5 weeks he now invites me to his house where his family live, I’ve sat and had coffees with his mum but then I’ll leave and hear nothing from him again for a few weeks.

I’ve been honest with him and told him how I feel about him but there’s a part of me that feels like I’m wasting my time a bit as although I’ve been asked on dates by others I don’t go hoping that each time I see this guy it will be different and he might want to peruse a relationship with me but I left his parent’s house yesterday afternoon and I’ve heard nothing since. Should I run after him or move on?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/07/2023 12:42

Do not waste any more time on this man.

SeaToSki · 30/07/2023 12:46

When people show you who they are, believe them

He is showing you that he is a once in a while, off and on again communicator and casual/intermittent commitment kind of person.

If you really like that kind of person and his style works for you/makes you happy and fulfilled then continue the relationship.

If not, then move on and find someone that better meshes with your personal relationship style

something2say · 30/07/2023 12:48

He's not building trust is he, that's the thing.

I am just out of a thing like this - he would not read texts for hours or maybe even a day. He had reasons, ie 'I don't like being a slave to my phone' - but that just made me think 'he isn't looking to see if I've messaged, he doesn't care that much.' I saw him regularly and he was reliable that way, but the comms style did not ever work for me - and that is because he was not the right man for me, and this was just one example of the whole feeling.

In your case, the fact that he turned away right at the beginning says either a) he wasn't as into you as you were to him and he chose not to see you and progress things or b) he is messed up and is going to continue to be messed up and that is going to impact you - he is flakey and noncommittal and you don't know up from down and won't feel safe and cherished.

I am sorry to be writing this. Is there anyone else interesting in your life?

One thing I've learned is to let the door close because another one WILL open, but only if I'm open to it. If I'm mooning about over a non-choice, I just waste my own time.

Original poster
Kiki29 · 30/07/2023 12:56

My biggest problem is I look at everyone else and they just arnt him and i don’t really understand why I do that myself. Before it would off hurt when he would of came and slept with me then ghosted me for weeks now it just confuses me as he brought me to meet his family which makes me think I’m getting somewhere then I don’t. After the last time there I cut contact with him and didn’t text him at all and for the first time he texted me first which made me think he must’ve been thinking about me. I always think I should maybe try harder but then I think he’s not going reply so why embarrass myself

OP posts:
ExtraOnions · 30/07/2023 13:00

He’s just not that into you

He’ll never be that into you

He’s not going to suddenly change

There is nothing you can do to change him

You are wasting your time

Go find someone who isn’t emotional incontinent

something2say · 30/07/2023 13:05

Kiki29, no one else is him and yes there will be grief and loss at stopping hoping for this particular man.

But there is always another man. Remember that. Always.

We all think, oh but THIS one is so special, and here's why - xyz - and we cannot conceive whatsoever of another man.

That is just a stage. The fallow stage. It is natural. And it speaks well of you I think because it shows that the man mattered to you.

I think you will be happier on the other side of the fallow stage, the new growth stage.

I am like you, I need to qualify them better at the beginning - my last few relationships have been good except for fatal flaws, all of which I ignored, and let attachment build.

That's what you've done, he showed right off that he could not be trusted and your mistake was probably letting him in that second time, as it has set up a pattern - and wasted your years when you could have been going out and having the better time with a man who was clear that he loved you. I'm never doing it again, I'm never NOT listening to my gut.

Dery · 30/07/2023 14:44

“So I met a guy 3 years ago and the both of us had amazing chemistry but he kind of freaked out and things turned into a more casual thing.”

This is always bollocks. Men who are capable of being decent partners don’t panic and go casual because they really like a woman. Men who are capable of being decent partners want to be available for and spend time with the woman who has caught their interest.

What he’s done is concocted a story which makes it all seem terribly star-crossed and romantic and which keeps you in thrall to him without giving you any commitment or stability. You walked away once. You can do it again. You owe it to yourself to do so. You’re wasting time with this guy.

Ansjovis · 30/07/2023 15:32

If he wanted to be with you, he would be. Time for head over heart here.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 30/07/2023 23:53

If a man wants to be with you they pursue you strongly and openly. He's not doing that.

Sorry to say it but he probably likes you... but will drop you like a stone if he meets someone he prefers.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 30/07/2023 23:55

Also he's probably taking you to meet his family as a casual friend. To make you stay. To keep you along as you've shown you can ditch him. He wants to casual sex and company so he's giving you a tiny bit more this time to keep you hanging. But really it's meaningless without greater commitment.

MimiSunshine · 31/07/2023 04:18

Stop wasting your time. He isn’t in to you, you’re a booty call to him and nothing more.

Letting you meet his family means nothing because his actions haven’t changed. If you do believe your finally getting somewhere with him, do you really feel happy with this glacial snail pace, are you happy for it to continue at this pace for YEAES and do you really want to be with someone this hard work?

of course you don’t.

he got you interested and then dropped you with just enough interest afterwards that he’s basically made you addicted to him. That’s what this is, your addicted to the high of him contacting you and you manage the low in between.

i was caught up with an ex like that for six years. We were on and off more than a lightbulb. Thankfully I’d met him young and one day I had a moment of clarity and realised I would spend the next six years no happier or further on in the ‘relationship’ and I didn’t want to waste my time like that.

so I cut him off, I bumped into him again a few months later and he tried all the same moves to pull me back in but I just told him that I knew how it would go, and I didn’t want that anymore.

i moved on, made changes in my life and i met my now husband 18 months later.

ClementWeatherToday · 31/07/2023 06:44

The standards by which you define "getting somewhere" are far, far too low. As a PP said, even if this is him "committing" (by once texting you first and taking you for a cuppa with his family - to whom I'm assuming he didn't introduce you as, "this is my girlfriend, with whom I am head over heels") then it will take years to make any progress in the "relationship". But it isn't him committing, it's him calculating how little he can get away with giving you in order for you to continue to let him pick you up and drop you as suits him. Raise your standards for how you expect a man to treat you.

CurlewKate · 31/07/2023 07:24

He should be delighted and eager to see you. That's what relationships should be like.

Please, please don't get pregnant.

LadyOfTheCanyon · 31/07/2023 07:33

A man who wants to be with you will pursue you, be there for you ( not just because he wants sex), be interested in you and your friends, family, interests and hopes and dreams.

This prick is breadcrumming you - and I feel like I ought to add, with the bare fucking minimum of breadcrumbs-

There will be other women he's doing this to when he's not with you. Raise your bar.

78Summer · 31/07/2023 07:39

Many women will have experienced this. He is probably fond of you but no more than that. I would end it and find someone who will cherish you.

Copperoliverbear · 31/07/2023 08:02

Don't waste your time he is a commitment fobe probably has a personality disorder too, been there done that, 100% don't waste your time. X

KPops22 · 31/07/2023 08:30

Kiki29 · 30/07/2023 12:56

My biggest problem is I look at everyone else and they just arnt him and i don’t really understand why I do that myself. Before it would off hurt when he would of came and slept with me then ghosted me for weeks now it just confuses me as he brought me to meet his family which makes me think I’m getting somewhere then I don’t. After the last time there I cut contact with him and didn’t text him at all and for the first time he texted me first which made me think he must’ve been thinking about me. I always think I should maybe try harder but then I think he’s not going reply so why embarrass myself

Ah you see that is where you are going wrong. He wasn't thinking about you when he texted - he was thinking about himself, how to maintain this convenient situation for himself, he was bored, he needed a boost. This may sound harsh but it is the truth. We have all met men like this and yes they are not worth it. He could continue like this for years. Why waste your time?

ChocolateCinderToffee · 31/07/2023 08:40

I’d guess he’s seeing other people when he’s not seeing you - or when he is. The situation is going nowhere. Dump him.

Copperoliverbear · 31/07/2023 09:10

Good advice

Is he using me or am I getting finally getting somewhere with him
Grumpigal · 31/07/2023 09:21

He’s not available. It’s as simple as that. He’s not available, either to you or just in general but either way the outcome is the same - he doesn’t want a relationship or a commitment and you’ll be wasting your time keep pushing it or waiting around.

Maybe you should start to explore why you are chasing a man who is clearly telling you he isn’t interested (actions if not explicitly by words) - perhaps you are actually scared to find a man who could be available and ready for commitment for example? By chasing this man, you’re actually protecting yourself from the vulnerability of a real relationship… just a thought.

i would doubt it’s specifically about HIM and more about you. There’s no way a man who is so negligent with another persons feelings is overall that great a catch surely? Sounds emotionally immature at the least

RuthTopp · 31/07/2023 09:37

When you do meet up , how many of those times do you end up having sex ?
I'm betting more times than not.

villamariavintrapp · 31/07/2023 10:52

Sorry, he's just not very interested and doesn't want to be with you.
When you say other men just 'aren't him' what is it you like about him? Can you try to explore what the attraction actually is? Is it the excitement? The unpredictability? I mean that genuinely-I think the anxiety of being in this kind of situation, chasing for crumbs, the adrenaline of waiting for replies, the relief when you meet up and it goes well, sex etc can be really addictive, whereas more mutual interactions with other people and normal relationships can feel 'boring' because they lack some of those highs and lows. But obviously in the long term this isn't going anywhere, and long term anxiety is unpleasant not exciting!

urbanbuddha · 31/07/2023 10:57

Talk to him. You know him well enough to

say what you’d like and ask him if he sees a more serious relationship developing. If he’s happy with what he’s got and you’re not then it’s time to move on because it isn’t working for you.

Dombasle · 31/07/2023 10:58

If you focus on the hurt, you will continue to suffer. But if you focus on the lesson, you will continue to grow.

But if a trite saying but might help you.

WimpoleHat · 31/07/2023 11:07

I had the answer as soon as I read the title of your post. Detail not necessary; tale as old as time. It’s a cliche, I know, but it’s true. If a man is interested, you will know. You will not have to wonder if he’s into you, if he wants a relationship. It will be abundantly clear from his words and actions. A pp used the term “breadcrumbing” and that’s a good way to describe it. Kick him to the kerb and look for someone else who actually cares about you and treats you in the way you deserve.