Can't handle DH's passive aggressive/indirect communication

[Goldmarsbar]

Just wondering whether this situation is normal.

I've been with my DH for 25 years. Two DC. DH has always been a low mood, glass half empty type of guy.

Over the years, I have also realised that our styles of communication are totally different. I am much more direct, I will express how I feel at the time, and don't tend to be in moods or hold resentment. (I have had to do a lot of work on myself over the years as I used to get in moods etc, but I don't any more) However DH does not tend to express how he feels so is often in a mood with me, or holding a grudge as I have not guessed what he wants me to do or how he feels. And then he sometimes speaks to me angrily in a loud voice, or storms around etc.

I have asked him so many times to please work on his style of communication - I find it so painful and upsetting. I have said to him that I don't mind at all how he feels about something but if he expresses it at the time, I can deal with it, rather than him being in a mood and it coming out in an angry outburst later.

He just says that we communicate differently and that he is not able to communicate directly, nor does he want to. He denies that it is passive aggressive and just says that it's different.

On the other hand, he can be kind and thoughtful and a caring dad. I have thought about leaving many times because of the passive aggression, but having mulled over it for a couple of years I'm ashamed to say I somehow don't feel strong enough to. I am on minimum wage and finances would be very difficult. I would feel guilty and heartbroken for the children if I broke up the family unit.

I have spoken to some friends about this and a few also say that their husbands are moody and can get angry, but they just tend to brush it off as "it's just what men can be like" or they try to keep busy and out of their DH's way. So maybe I am unusual/too sensitive - I have tried to not let it affect me, but I find it very hard.

I know life can't be perfect - we have lovely DC, we're OK financially, live in a nice home and DH can be nice for maybe 50-60% of the time. Maybe I am expecting too much from a relationship?

I started reading your posts and then realised the date so skipped to the most recent and what a fantastic message this is to read!

OP I'm so glad you are free, well done on getting out. I hope this update will give other posters the strength boost they need if they are debating leaving in a similar situation.

I know for myself some years ago it was a woman I followed on instagram posting about her story of getting away from her abusive husband that gave me the strength to leave, to know that I could do it too.

Sending you lots of love and happiness for the future x

@GretchenWienersHair Thank you.

I'm sorry to hear you're in a similar position to the one I was in. I think there are quite a few on Mumsnet who also relate, and I know some women in real life who are in similar relationships.

I feel so strongly now about women being able to assert themselves and have boundaries and standards in relationships. I was always a people pleaser, forgiving, always saw the best in people, and would rather blame myself rather than others. But I realised that that has led to very imbalanced relationships. And you can get taken advantage of by people who like control and power.

It's not easy at all to leave or think of leaving, I really understand. It took me a few years from the realisation that I couldn't go on in that situation to actually leaving!

@TSMWEL Thank you so much, and I'm so glad to hear you got out too x

@Cariadm in the same situation could have written your post.

Goldmarshbar thanks for posting an update. I often read these threads on mumsnet but get a bit frustrated because I want to know what the OP did in the end. If they overcame the issue. I have a passive aggressive partner, so I found most of the comments on this thread helpful. I also had a father, like you who is very abusive in terms of he was very domineering and always made the decisions in our home. My mum is always trying to please him and as kids we all tip-toed around trying to keep him happy. My dad has many good points but, I now realise by default I am a total people pleaser in relationships and now I try very hard not to do fall into that trap. But I can see how I was sucked into having a passive aggressive partner. I also now see my son trying to please my DP. :-(

@Cataholicartist75 It's so interesting (and heartbreaking) that these relationship patterns are usually passed on through the generations. Intergenerational trauma I think it might be called.

The therapist I'm going to at the moment specialises in attachment theory, and apparently my attachment style is anxious preoccupied, so I was always hypervigilant, trying to meet exDH's needs, supportive and giving, wanting reassurance and fearing rejection/abandonment (exactly how I was with my dad).

I think these patterns in us can be so strong and keep us stuck in very dysfunctional relationships/ situations. It seems like we can be prepared to put up with anything, as long as we get to keep the relationship! Like you mentioned with your Mum and Dad, so many people have these types of relationships, and I'm sure a lot are not happy at all, but they are both in these dysfunctional roles that they can't seem to get out of.

Goldmarshbar you are completely right it is very disturbing to learn how much our relationships are part of a pattern. When I met and chose my partner I thought I was making a free choice. I also thought he was very different from my dad but I still behaved as the people pleaser subconsciously. I now see (and having chatted with friends in similar situations) it seems I was making an unconscious connection to my partner that wasn’t really best for me. It’s a bit depressing really. Honestly I didn’t see the warning signs at all. I am trying to change my behaviour but it’s hard. I’m trying to be less of a pleaser. Meanwhile my mum is still very much in that attachment partnership with my dad. I don’t want that when I am in my 70’s. I am trying to forge a separate path and I haven’t ruled out leaving my partner in the future. I think I need to read a bit more about attachment theory. It’s helpful to know about it but actually very difficult to change our/my behaviour because it’s so intrinsically part of me. I also am aware of this generational behaviour pattern because both of my siblings have taken on relationships, where even although they are very different from me it seems, they too have been the people pleaser in the relationship.

Thanks for the wonderful update, OP. Well done getting out of that.

I’m half way through divorcing mine too. Feels great and I am so relieved, there’s a way to go yet but the feeling of a weight being lifted is amazing 🤩. The hardest part for me was sayOn and upwards lovelies 💕

saying I wanted divorce was the hardest bit 😆