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Original poster

Is he an avoidant attachment or just a player

43 replies

alfpipand · 30/07/2023 09:03

Really trying to determine if the man I’m seeing is an avoidant or playing me

Been dating 3 months

In contact Every day (90% of time he sends first text)

See each other once a week due to circumstances

After sex I notice he always contacts within a few hours to say something nice but then feel he slightly pulls away for a day or so, contact is still there but reduced and just more quiet (avoidant ?)

I’ve asked him at least 5 times if he’s interested or just looking for sex and every time he tells me he is interested but Seems totally unable to show emotion other than that

I have cooled it off twice not saying I don’t think he’s interested and that we are looking for different things and each time he has been the one to contact again and ask to see me but it’s like the convo never happened and it’s not talked about

He doesn’t use the usual player chat

Please help me figure out?

I can answer any other question I’ve missed

OP posts:
Dombasle · 30/07/2023 09:06

Well you're either a weekly shag or a regular girlfriend!

What things do you do together other than meet up and have sex?

pictoosh · 30/07/2023 09:13

As above. What else do you do other than have sex?

SummerSun04 · 30/07/2023 09:16

Saying he texts within a few hours of sex suggests he doesn't spend any real time with you as wouldn't you still be together..

Happygerbil · 30/07/2023 09:17

Sounds a bit hard work

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 30/07/2023 09:21

If it's still a once a week meet up for sex after 3 months, I'd say it's probably not going anywhere. Has he shown any signs of taking it further? Are you exclusive? If you're feeling uncomfortable this early into a relationship then that's a good indication that it's not right. This should be the honeymoon period.

DatingDinosaur · 30/07/2023 09:26

He sounds like a normal bloke.

You say yourself, due to circumstances you can only see each other once a week but in contact every day (I’d find that stifling personally but..). He keeps in touch and even initiates contact. An avoidant person wouldn’t. A player would have dumped you by now after getting laid.

“I have cooled it off twice not saying I don’t think he’s interested and that we are looking for different things ”

If this is the case, do the kind thing and end it with him. Otherwise it’s you who’s playing the games.

Original poster
alfpipand · 30/07/2023 09:40

We meet in evening at his due to children, occasionally I stay and leave in morning other times I come home that night depending on my work schedule

He 100% knows I like him a lot and that I'm not looking for only casual sex, would he really bother making the effort to keep in contact and come back when I've questioned it if that's all he was interested in ?

Maybe he would he's a man 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
MissHarrietBede · 30/07/2023 09:47

So just a weekly shag at his then. No fun dates out ever.

Susieb2023 · 30/07/2023 09:49

IME it’s strange that all these men with attachment issues will suddenly be able to form a ‘healthy’ attachment with someone they are properly interested in.

OP this doesn’t read well at all. It sounds like you’re in a FWB situation. His words mean nothing, actions are everything if I’d be expecting dates/day out/ quality time together by three months. Not round to his once a week and then leave.

You deserve better than this.

Original poster
alfpipand · 30/07/2023 09:50

Had dates first few weeks, then nothing, he dies have slot going on in his life with work/family etc but yeah he can make time for other things 🙄

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 30/07/2023 09:50

Susieb2023 · 30/07/2023 09:49

IME it’s strange that all these men with attachment issues will suddenly be able to form a ‘healthy’ attachment with someone they are properly interested in.

OP this doesn’t read well at all. It sounds like you’re in a FWB situation. His words mean nothing, actions are everything if I’d be expecting dates/day out/ quality time together by three months. Not round to his once a week and then leave.

You deserve better than this.

Inclined to agree with this

GreyCarpet · 30/07/2023 09:51

Susieb2023 · 30/07/2023 09:49

IME it’s strange that all these men with attachment issues will suddenly be able to form a ‘healthy’ attachment with someone they are properly interested in.

OP this doesn’t read well at all. It sounds like you’re in a FWB situation. His words mean nothing, actions are everything if I’d be expecting dates/day out/ quality time together by three months. Not round to his once a week and then leave.

You deserve better than this.

Inclined to agree with this

Susieb2023 · 30/07/2023 09:51

Meh… he thinks he’s got you right where he want you. He’s throwing you scraps. Get rid of him he sounds like a waste of your time and energy.

CapEBarra · 30/07/2023 09:55

It doesn’t really matter what he is. What is important is that he’s not making you happy and in the early days of a relationship you should be delighted with each other. I’d throw this one back. He’s not good for you and won’t give you what you want.

DatingDinosaur · 30/07/2023 09:56

alfpipand · 30/07/2023 09:40

We meet in evening at his due to children, occasionally I stay and leave in morning other times I come home that night depending on my work schedule

He 100% knows I like him a lot and that I'm not looking for only casual sex, would he really bother making the effort to keep in contact and come back when I've questioned it if that's all he was interested in ?

Maybe he would he's a man 🤷‍♀️

“I have cooled it off twice not saying I don’t think he’s interested and that we are looking for different things ”

So is this a trick question then?

Why are you trying to make him out to be the bad guy just because you want something different?

How much validation do you need?

SamW98 · 30/07/2023 09:57

So what do you do other than have? Surely you go out to eat, have a few drinks - anything that involves actual dating outside the bedroom

SamW98 · 30/07/2023 09:58

*other than have sex

Pamspeople · 30/07/2023 10:00

Doesn't matter I it's his attachment style, he's a player or just too busy - if it's not giving you what you want then why hang around trying to turn him it something else? Life's too short to waste time on this, if you're confused about what's going on just move on

pictoosh · 30/07/2023 10:00

If he was into you as a genuine prospect he'd be trying to impress you, arranging things, full of enthusiasm.

I'm sorry to be blunt but he doesn't seem interested beyond a weekly shag. We've all got a lot going on in our lives. He can't be bothered.

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 30/07/2023 10:01

Move on, not worth being in limbo. Especially if he has kids and you don’t.

Laurdo · 30/07/2023 10:01

alfpipand · 30/07/2023 09:50

Had dates first few weeks, then nothing, he dies have slot going on in his life with work/family etc but yeah he can make time for other things 🙄

If he can make time for you to go to his for sex and stay over, he can make time to go out for dinner and drinks. He's leading you on.

pictoosh · 30/07/2023 10:03

Yes and please don't try to pathologise his lack of effort. It won't change the outcome for you.
He's boring. Come on.

Pufflebow · 30/07/2023 10:12

Firstly I’m not sure what difference the label makes
it’s not working for you, you’ve expressed that, nothing changed
it doesn’t matter what you label his attachent style as.
He isn’t something for you to fix and you don’t need to accept something that doesn’t work for you.

Secondly you see each other for sex at night once a week. and you never go on any dates and he doesn’t emotionally connect with you.
This is only 3 months in, the honeymoon phase. You don’t need us to tell you what is happening here.
You just need to accept it and decide if you’re going to carry on or not

Holibobby · 30/07/2023 10:14

I was in a very similar situation last year. I was ‘with’ a guy for 3 months, I have a child so was only free to see him 2 nights a week. I tried to play it cool at the beginning and he was very OTT told me he loved me a couple of dates in etc I had a feeling at this point he was defintley a love bomber. Unfortunately I fell for him and as soon as I asked him ‘what we were’ he started to pull away.

He would pull away everytime we had spent the night together and go really quiet - which I think combined with the after effects of alcohol I use to feel like absolute shit every Saturday and not know where I stood. Then he would call me all week and want to talk then go quiet again it was not a great cycle to be in. In the end he cut contact which I look back and thank him for now.

Speaking from experience - the longer it goes on the more pain he will cause you in the long run. You deserve SO much better. I would cut all ties with him because it’s never going to go anywhere.

SavBlancTonight · 30/07/2023 10:15

3 months into a relationship, I'd be pretty annoyed if the relationship.consisted.of regular texts and then a night at his with a shag. Bloody he'll, that's not exactly fun?!

Who cares if he's a player or using you or just likes this set up.... its boring as fuck and not working for you.