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Relationships

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Original poster

Is he an avoidant attachment or just a player

43 replies

alfpipand · 30/07/2023 09:03

Really trying to determine if the man I’m seeing is an avoidant or playing me

Been dating 3 months

In contact Every day (90% of time he sends first text)

See each other once a week due to circumstances

After sex I notice he always contacts within a few hours to say something nice but then feel he slightly pulls away for a day or so, contact is still there but reduced and just more quiet (avoidant ?)

I’ve asked him at least 5 times if he’s interested or just looking for sex and every time he tells me he is interested but Seems totally unable to show emotion other than that

I have cooled it off twice not saying I don’t think he’s interested and that we are looking for different things and each time he has been the one to contact again and ask to see me but it’s like the convo never happened and it’s not talked about

He doesn’t use the usual player chat

Please help me figure out?

I can answer any other question I’ve missed

OP posts:

mamakoukla · 30/07/2023 10:20

Maybe the question you need to figure out is whether this is how you want a relationship to be. Are you happy? He’s likely not going to change

Original poster

alfpipand · 30/07/2023 10:21

Yep I know your all right, it was a friend whose put the idea out that he was a avoidant otherwise he wouldn't come back when he knows I want more if he was just using me

Hurts but I need to accept it

OP posts:

CeciNestPasUnPipi · 30/07/2023 10:22

Being avoidant and being a player aren't mutually exclusive. In fact, I'd say they go hand-in-hand.

SamW98 · 30/07/2023 10:31

Tbh there’s nothing wrong with only meeting once a week if that’s what your schedules allow but you should make the absolute most of that meeting. Dinner drinks theatre cinema dancing - whatever you both enjoy but sex should come after a great night out not be the only thing you do together.

Luckydip1 · 30/07/2023 10:36

I would suggest planning a night away, going to the theatre or night out, so there is more to the relationship than just sex and see how he responds.

samestyle · 30/07/2023 10:37

I'm not surprised you feel like this, 3 months stuck in the same pattern of going to his to stay over his once a week is rather dull, you could be missing out on finding a guy that has more time for you.

Susieb2023 · 30/07/2023 10:38

I spent ages in my dating days labelling men who just didn’t want to be with me. It’s laughable now. Wish I’d spent more time on actually thinking about my needs instead of wasting time on theirs!

Lamelie · 30/07/2023 10:42

If you want more than sex- dates and company- then you don’t need to accept it, you need to dump him.

Dombasle · 30/07/2023 10:44

He's not an avoidant or a player. Giving him names to excuse his behaviour is not facing up to the fact that you are a regular shag that conveniently arrives on his doorstep once a week.

That's fine if that's what you want but it isn't so why are you going along with this?

He's made it clear he likes this arrangement and is not offering you any more than that.

AgentJohnson · 30/07/2023 11:34

It doesn’t matter if it’s option one or two, move on already. This constant push/ pull dynamic is unhealthy aren’t you exhausted trying to figure him out? He can’t give you the relationship dynamic you want so why are you hanging around, this ‘Mr Right’ is also Mr not right now. Move on already.

MissHarrietBede · 30/07/2023 12:02

He's not an avoidant or a player. Giving him names to excuse his behaviour is not facing up to the fact that you are a regular shag that conveniently arrives on his doorstep once a week.

Sums the situation up.

pictoosh · 30/07/2023 12:14

He keeps coming back because you keep putting out.
Have sex, rewarded by nice text, left on standby until it's shag time. Rinse and repeat. When you question it he says what you want to hear. It's enough to keep you in circulation.

It's not your fault, we can only go by what someone new in our life says to us. You have simply got to the point where you have recognised a pattern and realised his actions don't correlate with his words. That's what the getting-to-know-you stage is all about.
At 3 months you've given him a fair trial and found him lacking. Time to dispatch with this one and look elsewhere.

littlebopeepp234 · 30/07/2023 13:18

alfpipand · 30/07/2023 09:50

Had dates first few weeks, then nothing, he dies have slot going on in his life with work/family etc but yeah he can make time for other things 🙄

You had dates for the first few weeks then nothing! You go to his house and leave the next morning! Yep you’re just a shag to him that’s all.

FiddleLeaf · 30/07/2023 13:20

Dombasle · 30/07/2023 10:44

He's not an avoidant or a player. Giving him names to excuse his behaviour is not facing up to the fact that you are a regular shag that conveniently arrives on his doorstep once a week.

That's fine if that's what you want but it isn't so why are you going along with this?

He's made it clear he likes this arrangement and is not offering you any more than that.

Bingo!

TwilightSkies · 30/07/2023 13:21

It sounds like he’s using you for sex. All he has to do is send a few texts and say some nice words.

Dery · 30/07/2023 15:11

“Firstly I’m not sure what difference the label makes
it’s not working for you, you’ve expressed that, nothing changed
it doesn’t matter what you label his attachent style as.
He isn’t something for you to fix and you don’t need to accept something that doesn’t work for you.”

This. There seems to be such a tendency nowadays to label every mood or behaviour as some kind of condition. The important point for you is that his behaviour is showing you (and you are intuiting) that he’s not particularly interested in you as a serious relationship - he’s up for a weekly shag but that’s all. He’s not going to admit that he can’t offer you more because this arrangement suits him. If you want more, you’ll need to look for it elsewhere.

Ruby0707 · 30/07/2023 15:51

He's just not that into you.

chocobaby · 30/07/2023 16:01

Sorry hun- this isn’t a relationship or even a dating situation. It’s a ‘I’ll shag you when I can’ situation. He might be avoidant but not necessarily, avoidant gO on dates and do nice things.

please cut things off with this person if you want a proper relationship. He wants a regular shag, and that’s all you are to him.

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