Need a hand hold to get through the next couple of weeks

[RIPDotCotton]

I’ll try to keep a long story fairly short. Marriage has been on the rocks for years after his infidelity. I (wrongly now I know) made the decision to stay married to give our two kids stability. To put in perspective we are expats who live away from any family so I have no support here at all aside from a couple of friends, and no safety net from the government to allow me to claim benefits or state support. As the kids got older there was never a right time to initiate a divorce it seemed. Honestly- there has been emotional abuse for years and I’ve been worn down and become more worried as to how I’d support myself. I do work full time in a job I trained for in the UK but not enough to even rent in the local area and he is a very high earner. Moving two teens away from school and friends in the final couple of years before college just seems too hard. He tries to play Disney dad so as they got older he hides the nastiness to only do it when we’re alone and they can’t over hear him.
Fast forward and after a few years I finally have family visiting on their holidays. I’ve been looking forward to it for months. And once again he took offense at the way I looked at him (apparently I was mad even though I literally was just standing there) and then proceeded to yell at me the whole journey home whilst I quietly sobbed. Apparently if I don’t paint a smile on my face then he will ‘mirror’ my mood in front of them e.g. behave in a moody/arsey way. So effectively blackmailing me to behave a certain way or he will ruin their visit. I can’t involve family in this and ruin their holiday. I just have to get through the next two weeks somehow and then make plans to end this. I guess I’m just asking for a hand hold and some strength to somehow get out of this situation- it’s just so hard when you know it will mess your kids up and probably unleash a year or two of hell. I honestly don’t know how I will be able to afford rent and bills unless I move to a different part of the country which will mean no family or friends for any of us:(
I’m not necessarily looking for answers, just a bit of support. Thanks.

I don't know if I'll help as i might just give you more questions.

What if your family already know and they're wondering what's wrong? What is it wouldn't ruin their holiday but would put their minds at rest because they might sense your apprension.

Would you regret staying?

If you've no support network now then they'll be no difference when you move, other than you won't be being abused, you'll be healthier emotionally and mentally and you'll have more freedom and capacity to build a healthy support network

I would suggest maybe you ready up on how to leave an abusive relationship as their is a chance that he'll escalate the abuse when he finds out. Not to scare you, just to prepare you.

Its great that you're reaching out for support. X

Get out of this..

Do you know about the legalities of divorce and custody in thr cou try you live in?

If not, maybe try and talk to a solicitor without your DH knowing, then you can make a decision.

How long are you supposed to stay in that country before you move back to the UK?

Could you try and get a better paid Jon where you are now?

DH probably knows that you're in a tough situation.being so far away from.home- can you change your life there so it would be easier to leave?

He sounds awful and am very sorry!

Maybe use your families visit to confide in them and share your feelings, good to offload to people you trust

I’ve been there, and it was awful.

My advice would be to tell your family. Just say he has become increasingly mean to you and that you are going to be separating. Say it will be when the kids finish school. And to say nothing. Just let them know, they can offer moral support and hugs.

We got to the stage of not being able to have any visitors to the house because he would be vile around them- stomping/evil looks.

anyway, that fucker is out of my life, and you will be so happy too.

Thanks for the replies- means a lot.
part of me wants to try and stick it out for a couple of years so then the divorce won’t involve child custody. Not sure I can make it that far though right now.
Finding a better paid job would be extremely difficult- I’m already doing a ‘professional’ job with the bare minimum qualifications (I worked in lesser roles while the kids were younger to get this one)- and even with this one, the expectation is I still have to study to keep it up. The other alternative is to get a second job which I will do when my youngest isn’t reliant on me for rides etc.
I know what I have to do- I also know that if I can make it 2 more years then, for my kids, it will be easier for them not to be living it on a daily basis.
I suppose 2 weeks of faking a smile whilst my family is here is a small step in a long term plan- it’s just daunting thought right now after yet another session of being yelled at:(
Thanks for the handholds.

Famous last words. His manipulation is ramping up- whenever my family aren’t directly with us he’s using that as a way to have a go at me (for apparently not smiling and engaging him in conversation when they’re with us) and threaten that he’ll start ‘mirroring my behavior.’ He knows they’ve spent a lot of money and used holiday time to come and see me so this holiday is special to them- and the plan was always that they’d spend time with us every day. I’m on the verge of tears most of the time- I’ve no idea how I can fake another 10 days:(
Not looking for suggestions as such- I know I need to get out of this. Just need support getting through the next 10 days:(

Dear god, this sounds horrible. Poor you!
I really agree about telling your family. If they're even marginally sympathetic, it will help you feel less alone and remind you that there is another world out here.

Ok, so forgetting the future and just focusing on now and how to get you through this situation. Is there one person within your family you can tell? If not, I'm not sure where you are, but can you phone the samaritans on 116 123 ? Or can you go to the local church and speak to the Padre and just vent to them so you can get this spoken and off your chest.

He’s already admitted he’s going to be a complete arsehole anyway so why not tell your family while you have them nearby to offer moral support?

You say he only does it when your kids are out of earshot but I’d be willing to bet they know exactly what he’s like, and your family do too.

Have you ever recorded him when you're alone? You don't need to but I'm just thinking it could maybe help you in the future. Even if it's to remember how horrid he is.

I haven’t recorded him but I may well try and do that next time, if I can manage it secretly, just for my own sanity.
I honestly cannot share with my family- they’re having a great time and I’m not sure they would be able to be pleasant to him if they knew. That would just blow it all up now and I want to have time to get my ducks in a row if I can.
I do plan on starting online therapy just so I can have someone to talk to because I know it’s going to get way worse once I start any kind of separation. I have researched divorce in my area and whilst it’s similar to the UK, they don’t take into account the wishes of any kids under 18 at all so I know he’d go for 50/50 custody of my 16 year old and I know she’d hate that. That’s why I’ve been trying to live with it as best I can until she turns 18 (over a year to go)
Thank you so much for all the kind words- it helps to vent even if only on here.

Where are you located. I am also abroad and got divorced last year. Happy to help you.

Couple of things…

Have family take copies of documents and physical valuables back home with them.

Tell them what’s going on and use them as cover to go see a divorce lawyer and get legal advice now.

Put money into your own separate bank account. Try to do an account like hsbc premier so completely digital with easy transfer options globally. If you can share the region it will help.

You probably won't need to wait until your DD is 18. Look at how long court cases etc take and time it for that? Still leaves you with a long time to get through.

I suspect he wants to 'see' you distraught when you're alone. Don't try to bottle it up, let him see the distress, it might help satisfy him long enough for you to get through it.

for you. This waiting period is are as you are trying not to show what you are planning.

Is your right to stay in the country dependant on you being with him?

Have family take copies of documents and physical valuables back home with them.
Tell them what’s going on and use them as cover to go see a divorce lawyer and get legal advice now.

I agree. Your family's enjoyment of their holiday should not be your main concern. If they knew what you are hiding they'd be devastated.

And no need to wait until the children 18. They are old enough to choose who they want to live with.

I’d rather not say where I am but suffice to say the divorce laws are very similar to the UK (except as I said children aren’t asked what their preferences are when they are teens- judges make the decision)
I am a dual citizen so I can stay here or come back to the UK. However, my kids won’t want to move back to the UK so I will stay wherever they are. I do feel at home here but we live in a very expensive area and I’ve been looking and I wouldn’t be able to afford a mortgage or even rent on my wages. There is equity in the house but not enough for us to both buy separately. Another year would allow my youngest to be more independent and then I can work a part time job on top of my regular job (not unusual in my profession.

When you think about all possible consequences of getting out of the situation its overwhelming task. I know how you feel Op. The truth is the longer it continues as it is the more exhausted you will be. Dont think about his reactions, focus on little things- "i am now doing this ...I dont know where it takes me but thats later" and take a little step no matter how tiny, it will be huge as making progress, creating a change will empower you. It can be sthg for your mental health like having a relaxing bath before bed and make it your routine - anything that will make you stronger you can justify it easily - you need to look after you as your children need a healthy mum. The bully and whole shit he brings can fuck off.

He’s gaining pleasure from the position he has over you to blackmail you. Added to your misery is your inability to stand up to him, to redress the imbalance of power. He knows you are considering your children and your family, knows how to turn the screw.
Have you thought of killing him with kindness while your family visits? Do everything he wants to an exaggerated extent which will make him uneasy but deprive him of the opportunity to complain that he’s not getting his own way? Turn his screw. It might make you feel stronger and pull you through.
Can you not return with family now to the UK?

Please believe me when I say that your family probably have more of an idea of the situation you are in than you realise.

You don’t have to tolerate this one more day.

He’s ramping up the pressure now precisely because he wants to destroy the potential strength you gain by having your family nearby. That is a threat to him.

Please act now while you have their support.

Just think about this for a moment - you could potentially just grab all of your important documents, proof of his earnings and savings etc, and mortgage etc, and jump in your family’s car with your dc and never have to see him again, except in the presence of a solicitor, or from a distance when taking your teens to see him at an appointed time. Just try and think how that would feel and the immediate relief that would bring.

In your shoes, I would go to your family and say simply “I need help”. Please do t feel ashamed or embarrassed. He is the one at fault here. And we ALL need help from others at some point in our lives. He sounds utterly vile op. Please get away.

You cannot do this for another two years.

What if he turns from ranting to violence?

I hadn’t thought of this approach. The idea sounds great- I just don’t know if I’d be able to pull it off. I actually don’t want to move back to the UK without my kids and obviously I can’t take the youngest while she’s a minor and the oldest is going to university in September so I want to be here for them. I love my job, work with great people so aside from the financial hardships I would face, being out of this marriage finally would give me so much peace in my life- that’s all I long for - peace, quiet and just some kindness.

Hi @RIPDotCotton just read your posts x
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I had a load of suggestions but you've spoken about them all. Most of my suggestions are easier said then done. I totally understand your situation is difficult. Get through these 2 weeks, it's going to be tough but you are strong, you've put up with alot so in my book you're definitely very strong. After the 2 weeks then think about what path you will take. Take care of yourself and always remember you are a strong confident woman and you will get through this xx

If you do manage this it will wrong foot him.
Practise looking him straight in the eye and smiling at him. He won’t be expecting it, might be such an egotist he believes you are making an emotional connection, (that finally you value him 😉), while all the time you’re keenly anticipating when you’ll be free of him. He won’t have any idea of your true thoughts.
Deliberately focus on him in conversations with your family - he’ll bristle with pride and expose what a self-centred tosser he is. Go for it and have some fun.

I really appreciate all the suggestions. I cannot confide in my family while they’re here- it would all explode and I cannot do that to myself and them. I know I need to initiate a separation/divorce when things are calm because I’m not strong when I’m this anxious/upset.
I’m trying one day at a time but all I’m getting is reams and reams of texts telling me all the things I’m doing wrong and then continuing this when I try and speak to him. He’s all sweetness and light when the family are here. Apparently he can’t ‘get over’ how mad I’ve made him (crimes include promising to get an oil change for my car - I genuinely kept forgetting as I’ve been so busy and my menopausal brain is all over the place the past few months). I also ‘looked at him angrily’ after telling him multiple times I hadn’t received an email he swears he sent me - in front of family so this ‘humiliated’ him.
I know what he’s doing. As a pp stated, he’s using their visit and the fact that I won’t involve them (I won’t) to hold me to ransom.
I tried something this morning- while he was ranting again I just calmly agreed to everything he accused me of. Calmly apologized. It made him even more mad because now I’ve wasted 5 days according to him. I know it’s not me. Those were just words and right now I’m just trying to get through the next 10 days. Deep down he knows that, knows that once they’re gone I have nothing to lose, probably knows that I’m going to start a divorce. So that’s why he’s angry/panicking/nasty/stressed.
I hope I’m not frustrating people who are giving me advice. Just venting here is a lifeline right now and seeing each reply helps so much- thank you all.

Just tread very, very carefully OP and if you can, seek some advice from local domestic abuse support services about handling an escalation in his behaviour. I know you want to wait but he may force a situation where you must make a choice for your own safety, so be prepared to change course if you need to.

He sounds like a sociopath. Like something from that movie "The Stepfather."

Who are your visitors? Parents, siblings, ?? If I found out that you were in this turmoil and you didn't let me help you, I'd be upset. In their shoes the opportunity to have a chance for a go at the miserable fucker, and to help you get out of there, would be more important than holiday fun.

Though, I see what you mean about time to get your ducks in a row. But you and your kids can't live this way for years to come.

Won’t say who the visitors are but the group includes tween/teens who I don’t want in the middle of this for obvious reasons. My oldest has been away for a few days so no idea about this issue and the youngest has been out when he does this (he’s sneaky- wants the kids to think he’s wonderful, Disney dad who uses money/things to keep them on side although both do know what he’s truly like I think)
He’s one of those people who does things for others only if he’s interested in it or gets to look good iyswim? Will take the kids to places he wants to go to but has never stepped up and taken them to their sports events or hobbies that involve sitting around for hours either freezing or sweating.
Bottom line he’s a person who when stressed or feeling threatened goes straight to nastiness and verbal abuse. Not a calm or kind person.
Definitely a lesson in not staying in a relationship with someone from
a very young age (where I had no clue about unhealthy/abusive relationships)